Finally a day I can update.

I finally feel that I have a day with a second to update. We have been busy doing things, busy visiting people, busy driving, and BUSY RELAXING :P
Anyhow, I thought I would grab the trusty, albeit neglected, laptop and update with some photos from our trip to Tucson. Hope you all are have a great week :)

Here are the kiddo's with their PAPA hiking in Tucson...


and here they are also hiking in Tuscon with thier Uncle Jeremiah...


Here they are decorating cookies :)


And last but not least here is Jakey with his favorite person in the world...Grandma

The Blessings of Christmas.

Now as I shared a little in my last post, my husband and I seem determined to re-think Christmas every year. Part of that is because we do not like what Christmas has become. On the flipside, we also aren't particularly excited about the origins of the Christmas holiday either. So where does that leave us? Well that leaves us...... praying. And praying is always a good thing. We rediscover our passions to hold fast to the word of God every year and try not become people that would contradict our Christian walk during this very tempting time of year. Soooooo my husband and I discuss EVERY single detail of EVERY single American holiday tradition we have been raised in. We abandon some, tweak others, and discuss all. I love what that process has done for us. It has driven us to want to know the Lords heart more on everything we do.
Now, as far as Christmas is concerned, we have believed in the past so much of it was almost irredeemable, with all the materialism, self love, magic talk, and pagan backgrounds. HOWEVER, we have seen this year the amazingness (<--I am certain that is not a word, but I love it anyhow) of handing it all over to Christ. We decided to celebrate Christmas this year again and see how it goes with our limitations in place. I think God has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, He can be a light and prove himself mighty in ANYTHING! I am really enjoy this Christmas season. I am enjoying my conversation with others. I am enjoying the teaching of Advent to my children. I am enjoying the beautiful Hymns of songs of believers that sing out praises for bringing the Son to this Earth. What a miracle it was that He came to save us. That is my focus this year. We have decided to give gifts this year in much moderation, and thoughtfulness. We are excited to give to those we love. We are excited to travel to Arizona this year to visit my in-laws who we miss desperately. We are in love with Christ and celebrating His birth this year. So that's where we are at :) How about you?

Pondering Christmas

I want to start a Blog session on our thoughts on Christmas. I want to know what other Sisters in Christ are doing and thinking about his holiday too. I found a link to this post on another blog I read Called Pursuing the Old paths. I love the link and I love that Jamie at Pursuing is pondering Christmas too. More to come on what Me and my DH are thinking about Christmas lately. I strongly urge you to read the short post, I think it will get you thinking as it did me.
More to come....

My own family UNIT.

I was thinking tonight about how excited I should be about being in my hometown for Thanksgiving. We have traveled back this way once or twice for thanksgiving in the last 6 years, but for the most part, we have lived too far away to come. My mother LOVES Thanksgiving and always does it up big, so there was never a chance at my family coming to visit me during this special holiday.
However, as I was driving home tonight from cooking with my mom at her big beautiful house, I realized something. As much as I love my family, and I do love them tons, I couldn't wait to get home to MY OWN little family in our cozy little apartment. I pulled into my apartment (just down the street from my moms) and thought how grateful I am to be with my husband and kids. We have lived a pretty hectic life since my husband and I have gotten married. We have dealt with YEARS of separation due to military service, and have moved more times than I care to count. I realize how true it is when God says "And he shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife". My husband and I have had our issues for sure, but the one thing we have been able to do well is leave our fathers and mothers and cleave to one another. My husband, my daughter, my son, and I are so very very close. Wherever we go, we make it because of God, and because of the blessing of being a family unit. We are small, but we are strong in the Lord. So tonight, as I reflect on Thankfulness to the Lord, I realize that being here in Cali near my mom and brother and sister, is not what I am most thankful for. It is being where God has placed me, WITH my precious family. "Thank you God that my husband is not in a foreign country this year. Thank you Father for granting us health, that we are not confined to hospitals or beds, and thank you God for healing a broken marriage and making all things new. Lord please be with my Dad in Oklahoma, bless him this day and open His eyes to see and know you. Please show all my family their great need for your Son. Amen.

Using what you got.

I have found that with the ongoing issues concerning the food we eat, I am finding it more and more necessary to fork out much more money to buy healthy, fresh, organic, and preferably local foods. This is not a cheap task. It does bite my bank account quite a bit more than my old shopping days at Walmart did. But with information that has been brought out about what exactly is in our foods today, I find I have little, to no choice, in the matter. Health is far more important than almost any other thing we can buy. We are just so used to spending so little on cheap packaged foods, with our coupons, that when we see the price of "organic" or natural/fresh foods, we panic and say "sheesh!! that is double what my -fill--in--the--blank--- cost!

But I digress......

The topic of this post is about saving money by using what you have. OK ladies, just so I don't feel totally alone and guilty, raise your hands if you ever let any good food just sit and go bad and are forced then to throw it away. Or how about, raise your hands if you throw away leftovers because you just don't want o go through the trouble of saving it and trying to re-eat at another time. Well since I cannot see your "hands" I will assume that I am not alone in this. I cannot even count how many times I bought those good veggies only to put off using them because....well....everything always looks more appetizing to cook and eat than healthy stuff. Can I also admit....*gulp*....that I also throw things out on a pretty consistent basis because I refuse to plan my meals? OK now, stop shaking your head in disgust, I am just not that kind of person. Organization is a fun "hobby" for me, but it is not something I like to do on a regular basis. For instance, I love to sit down and organize a messy room. I just don't want to do the work it takes to keep it from getting messy again. Are you getting what I am saying? I love to organize a project, but I just cant seem to organize my life.
Soooo..... it's baby steps for me. Instead of telling myself that I have to organize everything, I have simply challenged myself to do one thing. USE WHAT I GOT!
See this is all going to tie together soon, just watch ;)

So I figure that with the organic and natural foods prices being what they are in Southern California, I have to do something to keep the costs at bay. One way I am doing that is by making sure NOTHING goes to waste. If we make lunch and have something left over, it gets used in an "in-between" snack, put into the freezer for a later date, or put into the next meal. Simple as that. Have I mentioned that I like simple? ha!

I have to say I really really really like how this is turning out. I even get to use my creative side in my cooking! Almost daily I look at my food and say (for example)"what can I make with this ground chicken, my leftover vegetables, that box of crackers that needs to get eaten before they go stale, and all those organic potatoes I bought in bulk from Azure?"
That leads to making a "Shepherds pie/casserole with crackers cooked on top". Was it the best thing ever? Not really. Was it culinary excellence? Ummm not much. Was it a pretty darn good tasting meal that used what I had, filled my family up, and made enough to use for two meals? you betcha!!

Truly though, I challenge you to look in those cupboards, freezers, and pantries, and get busy cooking some yummy and interesting meals.

For more info on the state of our foods, you can watch some of the following documentaries...( I do not agree with all things in any of these movies, but they definitely make an excellent point about nutrition, and what is lacking in our foods at the super market)
1~Food Inc.
2~Corn King
3~Food Matters
4~Fresh
5~The Future of Food


P.S. most of these are available on Netflix.

Are we really Pro-life?

I know I haven't posted in a while, but that is due to a fantastic thing happening to me.......no longer addicted to the Internet, yay! No but seriously, my drive for Internet has decreased so dramatically in the past month that really all I want to do is hop on and check my email, and then hop right off again. It's been great, and my kids are really appreciating the all the fantastic cooking that has come from less time on the computer :) Since the first few weeks of our move transition were so stressful, I am taking time to do more things that bring me joy, i.e., taking my kids to the park, doing a bible study (Kay Arthur: Lord I Want to Know You has been great so far. It's right where I am at in my walk), cooking good healthy meals, and reading lots and lots of great Christian fiction :)

Sooooo, now that you know why I have been blogging ridiculously little lately, let's dive straight in to a controversial subject.

On to the topic at hand.

Are we pro-life? In asking that question I am going to present to you a scenario.

Imagine an Abortion clinic. It has a 6ft chain link fence around it, so that Christian protesters have to stand far enough away from the clients coming in to get their abortion.

A young woman pulls up in a beat up old car that spits and sputters and squeals until it comes it a jerky stop at the clinic. She slowly, sadly, but determinedly gets out, and begins to walk to the door when she hears a woman yell from the fence,
Protester: "Don't kill your baby! Please, God loves children, and He will provide for you, just trust Him!"

Young unwed teen: "Are you a Christian, lady?"

Protester:"Yes ma'am I am. Please choose life, God will work out all the details. He loves children and He loves you"

Young unwed teen: "Do you have a husband? A house? A car that works? Does your husband have a job?"

Protester: "Yes I do, actually."

Young unwed teen: "How many children do you have?"

Protester: "One boy and one girl......why do you ask?"

Young unwed mother: "Is that all you plan to have"

Protester: " OH yes, we decided our family was complete and my husband got a vasectomy 4 years ago. Again, why do you ask??"

Young unwed teen: "So your telling ME, a non believer, with no husband, no money, and no house, I should trust in "God" to provide for me when it comes to children, and to welcome that unwanted child into my life with open arms because God loves children. And YOU a Christian who trusts in the God I do not know, who has a husband, and money and a home, and a car that works, wont even DARE let the chance of conception happen because your so scared of having more."

Protester: "............choose life.............please....."

Young unwed teen: (as she turns to walk back to the abortion clinic she says over her shoulder) "yeah right......Hypocrite. IF you can't even trust him to take care of you and more children, why should I?"


She rings the bell and an Abortion nurse opens it for her. As the nurse is letting her in, she gets a glimpse of a different young lady among the protesters, and mumbles to herself "didn't I see that young woman in here a few weeks ago to pick up her birth control pills?"




So I ask you again, are you REALLY pro-life?

Let's be clear and make no confusion about my heart on this. I am not saying at all that if you use birth control of any kind, you are pro-abortion. I know many different families with many different views on children, and I know how much each one of them loves the Lord. I try and support all my friends in their personal decision that are between them, their husbands, and God.

But I cannot get away from the hypocrisy of it all when it comes to the pro-life movement in general.

Some of the women I knew, who I KNOW are pro-life, were so horrified when they found out my husband and I were getting a reversal and decided to let God bless us with more children. As many as He wanted actually. They were absolutely disgusted. How can I translate that with their STAUNCH pro-life stance? I just can't.

I volunteered as a counselor/client advocate at a crisis pregnancy resource center and all the while, my hope was that I could encourage, love on, and bring hope in the name of Christ to some of these hurting women. Not all women who came in wanted abortions, some just wanted a free pregnancy test. But some, whom I will never forget, where hurting, and scared, and desperately wanted to keep the baby, but didn't know how to make it work. They reminded me so much of myself at nineteen, pregnant, unmarried and scared to death , when I too had to walk in to a crisis pregnancy center because I couldn't even afford the ten dollar test. I remember the feelings of fear, hurt, and joy that you experience all at the same time when you find out your are expecting a VERY unplanned ill-timed pregnancy.

So I would comfort these women, and tell them about resources in the area who can help them with food, housing, and medical care. Then I would take them to the back room and give them maternity clothes so they could finally get out of their size 5 jeans that are being held together by a rubber band. I wanted so badly for them to know the love and peace of God. The peace that I had found. That is, in every area BUT children. My husband had a vasectomy when our second was only 2 weeks old. We loved the freedom that came with unprotected sex with no complications of having to deal with another pregnancy.

As I look back now I am filled with shame over my hypocrisy. Had any one of those women looked at me and asked "Do you trust God to take care of you if you get pregnant?". I would not have been able to answer.

Thank God that he has shown me the folly of my thinking in that area.

Some people reading this may think my judgments are harsh upon women unwilling to bear any more children for God. But the opposite is true. I RELATE! I remember the decision to get that vasectomy. I remember being sick my whole pregnancy, I remember my husband and I fighting so much, we walked the edge of divorce on more occasions than I could count. I remember feeling like, "I cannot do this again!"

But it was earthly, temporary and drenched in fear, not faith. It would not stay that way for long. Soon God would grow me and teach me to trust in Him. Soon my barren womb would cry out for life, only to be told every month, NO. My husband would also come under the same conviction and reverse what we had done.
I sit here now, 2 years after that reversal with no child to hold, no baby for my womb to nourish and grow, as it begs me each month to do. I grieve as all the women before me have grieved over infertility. Only mine was self inflicted. Fertility was a gift that I took for granted. Something I once had, but we broke.

BUT AT LEAST now I can say honestly to any woman who asks, I am pro-life. I will welcome any child God chooses to give me. And if you choose not to raise your child, I will gladly welcome that child into my home also.


In closing I say with love, don't just be pro-life in your politics.....be pro-life in your homes.

Kids Room.

OK, so a while back (about a year and a half ago) I typed out a post about how great it was for kids to share a room. I still think its great, and I think it teaches a lot about life when they do. However, a few months after that post was written we moved into a MUCH larger house that had 4 bedrooms (and only four people in our family). So we decided this would be a good time to let the kids have their own bedrooms. They did, they enjoyed it.......it didn't last long. Before we knew it (9 months later) we were moving again and this time from a 2000 square foot house with a garage, to a 1000 square foot apartment with two bedrooms. Needless to say the transition from sharing to not sharing, is way easier then not sharing to sharing. Did that make any sense what so ever? Probably not. What I am saying is that "stuff" accumulates when you have a whole room to fill. But when you try and take two filled rooms and attempt to condense that into one small room, things have to go. We were able to get rid of a lot of stuff and in the end the kids room ended up looking halfway decent instead of cluttered with things exploding out of every crevice. Although I do have to say the room does hold a remarkable amount of "stuff".
So how do you do it? Very carefully :)





And since the two who are sharing are opposites in gender, one got to put flowers on the wall.......



And the other got to put dinosaur stickers on the door. See, Mom's can solve all the worlds big problems.

I'm Back! on the Blog that is

OK OK OK it's been a ridiculous amount of time away from Blogging, I know. Really though this move has kicked my tushie (is that a word?). You would think that after the 12 moves in the (not quite) 9 years I have been married, I would have this thing down pat. Funny thing is, moves are kind of like babies, each one is different. Sometimes, I jump right in, meet new people, unpack and decorate all in the first two weeks. Other times, like now, I seem to live out of boxes for weeks on end, and not make one new friend for months. This seems to be one of those moves. Well, we have been in our new place for several weeks now, and its going slowly, but I am becoming adjusted to it more and more everyday. I really need to plug into a homeschool group soon though because I could use some friends out here for sure. However, what I need more than anything is Fellowship with other believers. We have yet to find a church that we truly want to stay in and connect with. We have visited two and are fairly certain, we will not return to either one. We really do not like "church shopping" and I do not consider that what we are doing, but you have to be careful to attend a church that will lift you up, and challenge you to stand firm in Christ, not water him down to nothing more than a few feel good sayings.
ohhhh I am sorry, that was a soap box moment wasn't it?

Anywhosy, here are some pictures of this kids (because what blogging mom doesn't love to fill in lost time with pictures of the kids:P). We went with my brother, his wife, and their adorable twin baby boys to a pumpkin patch. And while it was beautiful, I could have done without all the grotesque Halloween decorations. All in all though it was an excellent day, which we all needed very badly.

ENJOY! and have a beautiful night!


Here is my trusty duo behind those nifty wooden prop cut-outs


And here they are again behind yet another wooden prop cut-out (oh wait..there's more)
*insert evil laugh here*


Here is my handsome boy next to a very exciting tractor. We take very dramatic pictures, can't you tell?


Here is my adorable brother walking hand in hand with my girl. One of the few boys she will let come within ten feet of her :)


Oh here we are, just one more wooden prop cut-out picture because we love you all so much. (that and we sincerely lack creativity)


Lastly, here is my hubby holding my precious nephew Brighton.

Welcome to the Hotel California.

Hahahaha I laugh just looking at that title. Well we are officially in California now. We are staying at my mom's while we wait on our stuff to get here. We saw our condo today for the first time, and while it is half the size of our previous place, I feel so very blessed to have it. I have already formed an attachment to the little place, and I can't wait to move my stuff in.
About the title....I was on my way to California and was blessed to be able to stop and stay the night with Celee (who write the blog Miscellaneous Musings of a 5xmom) and her family. It was a great stay and we had a great time staying up late and talking it up. One thing we were talking about was how Jake and I NEVER thought we would return to California. When we left 5 and a half years ago we assumed we would plant roots somewhere and not leave. Things turned out a little differently and now we find ourselves back. Celee's husband suggested we play the song "Welcome to the Hotel California" as we drive into Cali. We laughed because the lyrics say it all. Here are the last lines of the song Hotel California,
"Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
'Relax,' said the night man,
'We are programmed to receive.
You can check-out any time you like,
But you can never leave!'

hahahaha. It's funny because when we left years ago, we thought to ourselves, "if we don't get out now, we never will". We honestly said that.

Now though, things are different. We have God. We have other Christians we will seek out and lean on (a step we really didn't know to do before when we were young Christians here). Even our family is different now, and we are all getting better about avoiding the drama that used to prevail at family gatherings.
I have to say, the beautiful 78 degree weather is helping me in all my sadness of missing my dear precious sisters in Christ back in Lawton. Praising God for the good things in the midst of this change.
pictures of the road trip soon to come :)

Parenting advice worth passing along…

Parenting advice worth passing along…

You can follow the link above to read a short but very profound point on Parenting. My favorite quote from the post was "As I near this final chapter of having kids in the home, I realize more and more that the overall goal in parenting is to emphasize heart inhabitation (a Spirit-led life) more than behavior modification. It’s not about raising “good kids,” but rather “godly kids.”

So true! I am glad I am learning this now while my kids are still fairly young. It is so hard to practice because it does take a lot of effort, and consistency, and love and patience, and on and on and on it goes. Which is hard on the "weak" flesh that we walk in, isn't it? But the fruits of the labor is great indeed! I am still learning so much, and changing so much. I have far to go, but I am on my way :)
p.s. Beyond this article, there are a lot of great resources that help encourage parents to teach to the heart of their children, not just modify behavior. Some of those resources are books like "Shepherding your child's heart", "Don't make me count to three!" and the complete audio series by Steve and Teri Maxwell "Encouragement for the homeschooling family" (which by the way is being offered as a "giveaway" at Miscellaneous Musings of a 5x mom so hop on over there and enter!!)

The view from here.

Let's be honest, moving is messy work. The more you pull out to box up, the more you realize you have. And the more you have the more it spills out into every place you want to walk. I am sincerely contemplating becoming a minimalist :) You know, one of those people who have like one spatula and two pots in their kitchen so it always looks neat and clean? The bedroom neatly and easily fits both husband and wife and the shared closet is not over flowing? Yup, I want to become one of those people.

Yeah, I am thinking less REALLY is more.

Soooooo we are down to five more days till load up time, and my house is getting less and less inviting to me....I wonder why?? check out the very "real" pictures of how we are living these days. I hope all of your houses are doing better :) Next post may very possibly be written in California!

Above is the view of my living room

Above is the view of my kids playing in their room on one of the mattresses.

View from my room into the hallway.

View of my room....*sigh* Ohhhhh the chaos of it all.

Baby girl is 9.

How truly sad and wonderful it is to watch your little ones grow. I cannot believe my little firstborn is 9 now. I guess every mother thinks that with each passing year, but still it's a struggle. I love her so much and couldn't be more proud of the little lady she is becoming. So sweet, and careful of others, and yet her best attribute is her unyielding faith and devotion to the God who made her. Here are some pictures of her on her birthday receiving her very own sewing machine. Her NaNa got it for her. She has been using mine when she does her sewing lessons and it was wayyyy too heavy for her. Now she has this precious machine that is green (her favorite color) and has Hello Kitty on it (which is her Auntie Jamie's favorite figure).




And here are some pictures of her Birthday party we had a few days later at the bowling alley. We don't do birthdays up too big in this family, but the bowling alley party was actually a lot of fun. The kids were great.






And below is Ireland's cake that she got to decorate herself! She is so smart :)

Wow....that's all I can say.

Tricked Ya! haha so "Wow" is really not ALL I am going to say. I am going to say a whole lot more than that.

To continue on from my last post "The Answer" I want to add that God is doing amazing things in me right now. I couldn't really see that over the last few months. So much was going on in my life, in my heart, and in my walk with God that I thought for sure this was all just one of those "Valleys" and I would have to just walk through it. Meanwhile I started to have the attitude of "OK God, could you kind of cut us a break here?". It was a very sinful attitude of thinking God could allow things only so far, and then I was very impatient while waiting for Him to return my life back to a way in which suited me. I don't think I knew I was thinking that way at the time, but in hindsight, I know that I was. What I realize now, is that God knew what He was doing the whole time (shocking I know!).

When I was living my life apart from God, I walked a very sinful life. It was filled with fornication, drugs, smoking, anger, depression, gossip, envy, and complete disrespect for others and for God. YET He loved me and called me out of my life of despair. A life that surely one day would have completely destroyed me. He came and gave me the strength and the WILL to quit doing the things I was doing. It took a long time but most of my outward sinful pleasures ceased to exist in my life. Sanctification complete right?? Not even close. True, I knew there was still several "small"(in comparison to the "big" things I used to do) things I was doing that displeased the Lord, like being disrespectful to my husband, or getting angry at family, or being lazy. Even so, I don't think I could have imagined what God was still wanting to do in me.

One way I can describe it is with this verse in Matthew 5:27-28 "27"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' 28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (emphasis mine)

The heart is the most important step according to the words of Jesus. Adultery was the outward "sign" of the inward lustful thoughts. Adultery was just the opportunity taken from a lust filled heart. The lust is what God wants to eradicate. From the very beginning He wanted to walk with us as a man walks with His friend or Father.

No I don't have a problem with looking lustfully on a woman (whew!), but I DO have a heart problem.

You see I always thought that the hard part would be giving up the outward stuff, the physical stuff. Like quitting smoking and drinking, or staying pure and living modestly. But God is and always will be interested in the HEART. God started with the outward stuff because that's the small stuff compared to the things of the heart. It is NOW that I am in the painful but glorious process of God holding up a mirror to my soul and showing me all the sin that lays "in there" that He wants to clean up too.
I have seen lately that in my heart but not always in action, I am....
*an adulterer
*an idolater
*greedy
*selfish
*rude
*lazy
*bitter
*judgmental
*self righteous

OUCH! those physically hurt almost to type. But such is the human condition, is it not? When the Bible says that we are fallen, it was not joking. When Paul said He was chief among sinners, I really can relate.

I truly am seeing this whole cleansing of the heart process so much more clearer now. Look at these scriptures about how he searches the heart.

1 Chronicles 28:9
"And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever.

And here Jesus say's it plain as day in Matthew 9:4
"Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said, 'Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts?"

He can certainly ask us ALL that question couldn't He?

Now let me be clear, I do not believe what God has been showing me lately is condemnation. I believe as the scriptures say, that there is now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. I believe what He was doing was growing me through revelation and conviction. Which is the Holy Spirits job, right?? Well He is doing his job well lately in my heart. At the start of the process I felt like much like David when he wrote the 13th Psalm...
Psalm 13:2
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?

As David was, I was feeling the weight of the thoughts, the weight of refusing God's peace because I was refusing His sanctification. But now I am feeling like I am entering into a new growing time of actually, dare I say, wanting Him to search my heart and tell me. I think David too felt that way when he wrote Psalm 139...
Listen to this amazing Psalm written thousands of years ago by a man being affected by the very same God
Psalm 139:1-18
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

So here I sit, a wicked woman indeed. Yet I own the knowledge that my God never intended to leave me that way. The same God that called me away from a life of destruction is the same God that wants to save my precious heart from destruction. What a great and wonderful peace I have knowing that my God see's the thoughts of my heart, and loves me anyway. He knows me deeply yet works on me daily to mold me as clay in the potters hand. I cannot tonight even try to write about some of the miraculous things that have taken place in the last 24 hours, but it has been amazing. The greatest part has been the fact that God is not using this "showing of my sin" to shame me into change, He is using this to show me his love. That although humanity is wicked beyond imagination, He still sacrificed everything for us. He humbled himself for us, died for, rose victoriously for us, and all for what?? To gloat it over us? NO! To call us as precious children to His side. He loves me, for that I am sure.
He wishes my heart to be at peace, and that is part of his purpose in all this. I am finally feeling His peace completely take over my whole being. Praise God. He came just in time :)

The Answer.

I know the answer!! Yay for me. So what was the question?? Well, essentially it was "Why am I feeling so much emotional turmoil lately?"
Well I cannot write the post tonight, but I am excited to say that God has done a good bit of revealing to me in the last few days (as He is so good to do) and I can't wait to talk about it. I can leave you tonight with this, it has to do with these verses.......
2 Samuel
"But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

and this... Genesis 6:5
"The LORD saw how great man's wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time."

and this....Deuteronomy 6:5
Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

and this....Deuteronomy 8:2
Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands.


Till then....Good night!
(Italics and emphasis mine)

The Root of Bitterness....revisited.

Do any of you remember when I wrote the post on Bitterness? (If you didn't you may click on the highlighted portion to read it if you like.) Well unfortunately...I am right back where I was 8 MONTHS AGO! Well not nearly as entrenched or blind to it, but "in it" all the same. I cannot believe that I found myself back in it. However, unlike last time, as far as I know this root is not as large. I feel like I am recognizing it as quickly as it is laying claim to my heart. I feel the old urges, the old thoughts, the old feelings. "Why are they here?" I ask myself. I have no clear answer. My first initial answer to that is....well....to be honest...its my husbands fault! There I said it. Now is that really true? Probably not. Is he not helping? No he is not. But the question that I poured out to my Lord, through tears, this morning at church was "Why am I not handling this well!?!?!". I honestly don't know. Could be hormones, could be stress, could be all that we have been through lately building up. Could be lots of things. What I DO KNOW is that God has given me strength before to handle these things that Jake and I are going through. He has quieted my spirit, He has silenced my angry tongue, He has shown me peace in the midst of the chaos, He has spoken sweet words to my heart when people were hurting me to the core. Why is it now I could not hear Him? Feel Him? Or sense what in the world He wanted me to do? I think I have realized it. Bitterness took root again. I mentioned before in my post all those months ago, that I would always have to be careful about it because it had become habit to me to become bitter when certain things happened. Well a lot of those "things" involve me and my husband. Recently we have had some of these struggles creep up again and instead of turning to God and accepting His peace, I became bitter. I thought to myself "NOT AGAIN! I will NOT do this again. OH God, what if it stays this way?! What can I do to stop this?" That led to plan A, B, C, D, and E which all failed miserably (I know, surprise surprise). Those things failing and making things worse, left me feeling hopeless and frustrated. So I clung to the old, and oddly comfortable place of bitterness. It was like retreating to an old friend, and I did it literally over the span of only a few days. Now that I know where I am at, and what I have done, it's time to fix it. But even that is easier said than done. Sometimes I am not sure if I am strong enough to let go and "let God", ya know? I know what needs to be done. Repent of my wrong attitude and taking things into my own hands (did that), and completely surrender the future of everything to God (not quite). I feel to weak. I feel I can say that, but my trust is low. Anyhow, if you were looking for some profound revelation that solved it all, I am sorry, I have not found it. All I know is that I am in that place that many a Christian has walked. Where you know what you have to do, and what is best, but your not sure how to get from point A to point B. Anyone else ever been there?

One thing I do know, God does not forsake. So for now, as I work on surrender and strength I know that God will not leave. He will be there waiting for me to grow. Praise His mighty name for that! :)
So ladies, be honest....any struggles going on in your bloggy worlds?

Netflix, yay!

(at the end of the post I have compiled a list of good movies)
So I was on Facebook earlier, which only happens like once a week (*insert laughter and knee slapping*) and saw a discussion going on that I thought I would bring here.
One of my favorite blogs is Raising Olives and she had put out a question on Facebook about movie suggestions because she just subscribed to Netflix. I LOVE this topic. I am passionate about what should be put in front of our eyes as Christians, or even a society as a whole. While there is no law, there is biblical common sense in this. I think each family will be different from other families and that is OK. What I think is a great starting place for what we choose is this...
Am I learning something?
Am I learning something at the expense of my morals?
Does it put down my God and His Holy name?
Is it glorifying violence?
Am I watching other peoples nakedness?
Is this a good way to spend my time?
Would I take someone totally new to the faith, try and show them the truth of sin, the goodness, mercy, and holiness of God, and then sit down with them and watch this movie?

I think these questions are good to ask ourselves based on several scriptures I think can be applicable (but not made LAW)

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Psalm 101:3
I will set before my eyes no vile thing. The deeds of faithless men I hate; they will not cling to me.

Romans 12:9
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

So when I think about shows and movies that not only show loose sexual relationships but glorify them, I cannot help but think that I TOO am glorifying it and desensitizing myself to sin, by honoring the movie and clinging to it's entertainment value. For instance, say there is a movie that is the most recent blockbuster hit. Everyone is raving about its characters, its amazing edge of your seat scenes and its captivating storyline. Let's also say that this movie uses Jesus' name as a swear word 26 times, abuses God's name 7 times, has over 20 scenes with barely clothed women and has two very steamy sex scenes. Let's say you then see the movie, are completely blown away by the plot and storyline and the next day post on Facebook "how amazing!!" this movie was. Are people seeing that we call sin "sin" or are they seeing us confuse sin with entertainment? Is that clinging to what is "good"? Are those things helping us to "think on whatever is noble"? Can we honestly say after seeing that, that "I have set no vile thing before my eyes", as the writer of the psalm said? I realize things things are not always cut and dry, nor am I trying to claim that I know what things are good and "should" be watched and what things are evil and "should" be avoided. But what I am saying is that we are to examine ourselves and our motives very closely in this culture because I think desensitization sooooo easily happens, oftentimes without even knowing it. SOOOOOOOOO here is a list of Netflix movies for all the Netflix subscribers. They range from mildly boring yet informative, to VERY entertaining, and/or spiritually uplifting. Once again, I am not claiming my standard is better than anyone's, for all I know my standard may be too liberal for some. However I can honestly say that these movies are clean, good, wholesome fun (although some may not be suitable for little ones just due to the gravity of the storyline)
My list:

Robber of the Cruel Streets: George Muller
The Peasall Sisters
In His Steps
The Eden String Quartet.
End of the Spear
Startling Proofs
The love comes softly series (although I have not seen the newest ones, so I cannot speak for their content)
Pride and Prejudice (the newer one with Keira Knightley is surprisingly CLEAN and very well made however, there are some shots of art statues that are partially nude, as well as a painting in the far background that has female nudity. Very common to that era, but nakedness none the less. this only happens in two scenes in the movie.)
The Creation Seminar (I do NOT agree with everything in this one, but it has TONS of great evidences for creation)
The search for the real Mount Sinai
Search for the Ark of the Covenant
The Christmas Miracle of Jonathan Toomey
Drive Thru History
Creatures That Defy Evolution
A Journey Home (GREAT MOVIE!)
America's Godly Heritage: Wallbuilders
Secrets of the Vine
Inherit the Land: Agrarian Journey
A Life God Rewards
The Search for the Real Mount Sinai
Apostles of Comedy
Privileged Planet
Sarah's choice
Unlocking the Mysteries of Life
Icons of evolution
A full house of blessing: Niklas family
The Stonewall Jackson Story
Time Changer
Felicity: An American Girl
Faith like potatoes
The ultimate gift
Though none go with me
End of the spear
The Family Meal Table
The living legend of Jimmy Gentry
Homestead Blessings : The art of Bread Making
: The art of Candle Making
: The art of Soap Making
(they may have added more by now)

primarily kids stuff:
Adventures in Odyssey (some are a bit dramatic for younger ones)
Bug rangers
T.R.U.T.H about the Dinosaurs
Inspiring Animated Heroes (such as Helen Keller)
3-2-1 Penguins

Well what can I say but THANK YOU!! My sweet and "nice" friend Celee over at "Miscellaneous Musings of a 5x Mom" awarded me this very cute and quirky blog award. I have to totally agree with her answer that when it comes to whether I am Naughty or Nice, I would have to say that although I don't consider myself naughty (anymore at least), I do see my sin nature far too often to say I am nice. But I appreciate her words that she thinks I am none the less :)

Anyway, these are the questions I'm supposed to answer.

1. What is the silliest prank you ever played on someone?

Hummm well I've never been good at "silly" pranks. Mostly I just went along with the pranks being played around me, whether they be silly, tame, or really dangerous. I do however remember a time (under the tutelage of my sister) switching the sugar in the sugar shaker with salt and watching my much older half brother pour it in his coffee, take a drink, and then swear like a sailor. Good times good times.

2. If you could take a trip anywhere out of the country where would you go? Why?

Well i would have to start this out by being totally honest about my DEEP fear of flying. However if I could somehow telaport myself somewhere outside of the country and avoid the nightmarish event we simply label "flying", then I would definitely love to travel the middle east and visit Turkey and Israel. However Ireland is a very close second. I would love the rich history of the middle east and I would love to see our families genealogy played out in the land of Ireland.(OK were really not all that much Irish, but enough to see the heritage there)

3. Who plays the most influential role in your life?

Sometimes my husband, sometimes my friends, and sadly sometimes the world.

4. Are you ok with your significant other being friends with an ex?

No, not really....ummm yeah I almost certain that would be awwwwwwwwkward. Neither my husband nor I really keep in touch with many friends of the opposite sex. So thankfully we have not had to face that in recent years.


5. Favorite candle scent?

Anything that is usually put out in Fall and Winter. Pumpkin Spice, Caramel, Apple, Pie.

6. Next movie you're excited about seeing?

I have lost my excitement for most movies. A lot of movies are trash and filled with trash so I try not to get my hopes up. Maybe one day they will come out with an awesome family movie, that is clean (without naked bodies,swearing, blasphemy, or intense gore)and actually has good acting. THEN I will get excited.


7. You must ban one word from the dictionary and all usage, to be no longer uttered or written. What word do you ban?

I would like for people not to take the Lord's name in vain. And I don't like it when people use vulgar words. However, I wouldn't ban any words from the dictionary. The problem is not with the words, but with the people who mis-use them. (I stole this answer from Celee, because it is exactly as I would have answered)


8. Do you have any relatives in jail?

I'm sure I do. I have such a large extended family that you really can never tell ;)


9. What crazy fads were popular when you were a teenager?

All sorts of randomness happened in the late nineties, however in my private catholic school, we wore uniforms, so our fads came in form of socks and shoes. which for me and my friends was converse all stars with tall gym socks that went to the knee and two colored stripes at the top. That's pretty much what we wore everyday with our pleated skirts and button up shirts. (I know we were too cool.....not)

10. Have you ever been mentioned in a newspaper or on TV?

Yes. I was interviewed by several news reporters when my neighbor killed his wife and shot himself. Apparently a young teen just home from school, standing next to the yellow crime tape is perfect for getting to answer questions on camera. It was crazy the next day at school all kinds of kids walked by me and said "I saw you on the news!". I just remember thinking to myself "Well that's embarrassing, I didn't think teens watched the news!"

I'm supposed to pass this award on to 10 of my blogging friends unless I'm feeling naughty- in that case I can just pass it on to 5.

These ladies are definitely NICE.
It's your turn...
Julie at "All things Sunshiney"
Becky at "Adventures with the Ames"
Sandy at "Celebrating Life"
Mandy at "the life and times of Mandy mom"
Grace at "The Crouch family"

...to answer the above questions and pass along the award. Thanks for being a nice influence in my life!

Bathing suits.

The answer is NO, I am not in the mood to tackle the great debate of bathing suits and modesty just yet. However I would like to quickly and briefly show you all, before my day gets too hectic, that modest bathing suits DOES NOT have to equal "water proof potato sacks".
Check out these totally cute modest bathing suits that may not be completely conventional, but definitely do the job of covering up the ta-ta's while helping you still look feminine and fashionable.

Praising Him.

Man sometimes I forget the simple truth that Praising Him brings joy. Circumstances change, our hearts and feelings are fickle at best. Things come and go. But HE remains.

I was in the car the other day and listening to this song. I had heard it before, several times actually. This time though something inside me whispered..."listen". So I did. I could not believe the amazing gravity of these words. The words, unlike a lot of christian songs these days, were filled with such depth and praise. I broke out in instantaneous tears. What a GREAT GOD we serve. Doesn't that thought ever just blow you away? Please watch this video and read the lyrics. They are truly a statement of faith. The whole song is great, but what gets me is the line "I am giving my life to the only one who could make the moon reflect the sun, every starry night was His design". OH how I forget how BIG my God is sometimes. To think, that the one who designed our sky, is the one who wishes all things to come together for good, and loves me enough to make me part of that awesome plan. He hears me. He knows me. And He loves me deeply. Love this song :)

Playing Survivorman.

I have to admit something.......I LOVE the show Survivorman. I have watched on Netflix every episode of all three seasons that he made. My husband and I are glued to the TV when this rugged Canadian drops himself in the middle of nowhere and video tapes himself surviving for 7 days. He builds fires and shelters,using all sorts of methods, catches anything from frogs, to snakes, and birds to eat. It's fascinating. Honestly. To top it off, the show is clean ;)
I am thinking my kids liked the show too because lately that's all they seem to be playing. They get out their "camping/survival kits" that their NaNa got them, and just imagine away. These pictures were taken this morning, during one of the many hours they have spent lately playing "Survivorman". They are too cute. In one of these pictures they have made an animal trap by tying yarn to a hammer and a toy car and pretending the small animal tries the grab the car and in so doing, pulls the hammer down on itself. Gross, I know. Also in the background is their "shelter" they have set up with a blanket and some books stretched between the couch and ottoman.

Oh and the cool survivor kits my mom got them included a REAL, compass, multi-tool, metal water bottle, and collapsible fork, spoon, and knife. Now THOSE are toys!

How I feel.

Well, here goes the promised next part of my "What happened" post. (if you have not yet read the first part, please read that first, thanks)

Funny, but "How I feel" is very complicated. There is not one feeling to describe how I feel about what happened and how I feel about it now that it is "over". I can probably describe it best in stages.

When I had the kids...
I felt sure of my self at first. I didn't necessarily "feel" it was God's will for me to do fostering, but I thought surely He would be behind any such sacrificial act. But then as things started to go awry, and we all started to sort of feel as if nothing was going to go right I started to doubt everything. Some of my doubts included thoughts like "Why in the world can't I make this work?!", "This is just a small boy and a baby, why are we all falling apart?", "If God were truly behind good deeds, then why isn't He in this with me? Why can I not feel Him?", "This boy is hard, but my own son was pretty hard, why is this different?".

When they were placed back...
When the decision was made, between me, my husband, my two other foster mom friends, and the case worker, to place them back into the previous homes, my feelings and thoughts went to these, "I do not deserve to be a mom. What kind of mother gives up on helping kids, even those who are not her own?", "Once people find out what I have done, they will know I must not be a strong enough Christian, for if I were, I would have been able to make this work." , "I don't understand what God want's from me. Why does he place a desire in my heart for children, yet make me barren??? Why does He place it in my heart to adopt, yet it seems to be obvious we cannot handle anything of the sort?!". Also during these dark hours of thoughts of total and complete failure on my part, I was refusing to talk to people. For probably the first time in my adult life, I could not turn to people. Most anyone who knows me, knows I need to talk about my feelings. I talk about my anger, my sadness, my joy, my hopes, my fears, my parenting, my marriage, and my walk with God.
But for the first time I didn't want to talk about it at all. I ignored phone calls from some of my most favorite and beloved family members and friends. I even ignored calls from my mother and mother in law, both of whom I usually turn to in distress. I didn't want anyone to know how hard I had failed. The thing was, so many people had such hope in me. I had the greatest supporters. And I had let them down. OR so it seemed.

Days later...
Days later, I started realizing some things. Thanks to my Mother, my Mother in law, and some very strong Christians I know, I was able to stop crying for a minute and think it through. I was given love, non judgmental advice, and even some sound rebuking by a man in our community group. This friend of ours looked at me and told me plainly that I was taking on false emotions of guilt. I was taking on the emotions of the children and that would help me none. The social workers had made some mistakes, the parents had failed, and the lack of information given, and my foolish exuberance to jump into things without clearly thinking, all played a part in having this be a bad match for our family. But it was NOT all because I had failed. It is a sick and dying world filled with sin, hate, and pain, but I, Valerie, cannot save it. That is the job of another. He then repeated what several other friends had said.....I had to take care of and DO the things God has already required of me. Raise my children well, work on my marriage and make it a good example for others to follow , homeschool my children, and pray consistently for what God may have else for me to do. In the meantime, love others, and love God, for this sums up all the laws and the prophets.

I know that in my head now, but translating that to my heart is still slow going. I no longer feel that heaviness weighing me down. But I still have a sense of shame and failure. I still feel scared and doubtful about sticking to our original plan of adopting. I am unsure of many things still. However, here are SOME things I AM sure of right now...
* "Good things" don't always equal "God things"
* Although I have a deep desire to have a big family, God wants me to be content with the little one I have now.
* The verse in Phillipians 4:13 that says "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" does not mean God backs me on every plan I take on.
*Healing comes with time and Truth.
*God had given me the beautiful body of Believers to turn to NO MATTER where I go.
*My husband rocks and is already seeking God's truth in it all, has repented of his anger, and is ready to try again, even with adopting (albeit a little farther down the road). He amazes me.


Right now, everything is on hold, even if we wanted to try foster care or adopting. We are currently in Oklahoma, but because of several issues with his military job here (we are on one year orders), we may be ending orders early on September 1st, or October 26th. Either way, I see now, even if things had worked out, we would have had to of moved at some point in the near future and the children would not have been able to come with us. Unless you are stable, unlike us right now, it is hard all around to make plans, much less involve other people into the equation.

And last, but not least, to answer a few questions I am sure some must have
"YES I do realize that if they were my own children, I could not have placed them back. I would have had to make it work. I wish I could answer why it was different in this case, but I can't. But unless you have fostered and seen its challenges, and some of the hopeless feelings that come with issues AND knowing they don't get to stay even if you work those issues out then please refrain from giving me advice. NOT because you are wrong, or because it is unwarranted, but because I fear it will confuse and distress me even further."

"YES I realize adoption could be just as hard or even harder. Again, I don't know what to think but we are still discussing on it"

"NO I am not always a total basket case, but it has been an unstable time. We have had lots of victories, lots of growing, lots of fun and love in the last few years. BUT we have also faced infertility, joblessness, debt (which we are so against and thankfully now COMPLETELY out of), my husband going back to school, my husbands 1 year deployment to Iraq, selling our house, moving to Oklahoma, a major car wreck that totaled our van and injured me, working six months to complete training and background for adoptions, and failed foster attempt, and my husband is having almost weekly doctor appointments for his DAILY migraines. On top of that we are looking at either joblessness and moving back towards family in the next 2 to 5 months, OR getting a job and moving to yet another unfamiliar place. Is this all stressful? Absolutely! But in the moments where I am not sad about our failed foster attempt, I am joyfully optimistic. God provided AMAZING friends and a GREAT church here. He can do that anywhere. He provided this job, even though we knew it was only temporary, he can provide another. He saved my husband from another deployment, and holds my family together. He is daily speaking Truth into my heart, where the liar has placed falsehood. WE WILL BE OK! I know this now. OK well, I am done for now. It's time to get dinner on the table. I hope you all have an awesome day.
Val

Breath......OK here we go.

I was putting this post off until I felt a little bit more like writing it. Well it turns out, I will never be ready to write and share things that are deeply personal and painful for me. They are just plain not fun to write. I also knew however that the daily questions of "what happened?" could not easily be ignored, so I thought it best to just go ahead and get it out there.

I am going to write it in three sections, so that I can keep my thoughts organized. Please read all three section before commenting, or passing any judgment. I am not saying you are not entitled to judge, just try and wait until I have written everything. The three sections will be, "What happened", "How I feel", and "What I am learning".

What happened.

For at least 6 years now my husband and I have been considering adoption. We have not always talked seriously about it and sometimes it was just one of those things where you say "Maybe one day...". However, when we got the one year orders for a job in Oklahoma through the military, we finally decided that maybe this was a good time to really pursue it. So in January, we started our homestudy (basically a thorough background check and in depth interview into who you are and why you are adopting). We then started the foster and adoption classes through DHS (department of human services). At this time we were not really considering foster at all, but the classes for foster or adopt were the same, so you took them regardless of which one you were doing. My husband and I briefly discussed fostering and after a few nights discussion, realized it was a not a good fit for our family, or our time line. So we stuck with the plan of doing what we needed to do for adoption, and if God opened a door, we would take it.
Jump forward several months and we have both finally completed all of our classes and our homestudy. Our worker calls me on a Wednesday and we set up an appointment for a Thursday to discuss where to go from here. My thinking was that I was going to get more information and be told a little bit more about the whole process. Since I knew very little about how it all worked, I went into Thursdays meeting very ignorant. However I did know that they were more than likely going to ask me to try fostering while I waited to adopt. They are in such need of good foster families, that of course it's a given they will ask. So the night before the meeting I started to reconsider my stance on fostering. Mostly I thought whimsical ideas of shy children whom I would love and hug until they were whole and healed, and then be told "Valerie, would you like to adopt these precious children?" to that of course I would answer "YES!". I knew it wasn't realistic, but I let thoughts roam anyhow.

So the next day I walk in my social worker's office with my two curious and excited homeschooled children. We exchange pleasantries, and I start asking some basic questions. She answer's my basic questions and then asks if I am ready to foster. I tell her that my husband and I had decided not to foster when we were doing classes, but that we are not saying "NO, NEVER!", just "we are not sure its a good fit for us." One reason, although there was many, was the school age factor. Being that we homeschool and it is illegal to homeschool foster children, we thought that might be a hard adjustment for a school age foster child to be the only one sent off to school everyday, when the rest of the family stays home. Then it happened. She held up the paper and my heart melted. She told me she was in dire need of a foster home for a 3 year old boy (to which my son shouts in my ear, "yeah mom a boy!") and his 3 month old baby sister (to which my daughter shouts in my ear, "yeah mom a BABY!"). She offers me no other information besides gender and age, I being new, didn't know what else to ask. My hearts starts to melt and race all at the same time. I become absolutely engrossed in these two precious children, and all other reservations against fostering go out the window. I tell her I must call my husband and ask him and that I would call her within thirty minutes of leaving her office to let her know. I no sooner walk out the building and I am on the phone with my husband. The two children and their precious little ages touches his heart the same as mine and he says "yes". I call the worker and I am told I will be placed with them the very next day. My heart was racing with excitement. I went to Goodwill and purchased some small inexpensive baby things and some little toddler toys for the 3 year old. I make phone calls and for the next 24 hours friends drop off pack and plays, clothes, toddler bed, bottles, pacifiers, and blankets.
The children arrive the next afternoon by a social worker who also knows very little about the children. You see every foster or adoptive family has their own social worker kind of "assigned" to them and every child in the system has their own social worker "assigned" to them. These children had a social worker who knew all about them. Their history, their temperament, the reason they were put into care in the first place, how many times they had been put into homes, and if there was any behavioral issues. However, their social worker was out of town on vacation during all of this, so I was placed with the two children by a worker who did not know the children nor anything about them, and placed into a home that knew even less. I cannot go into too much detail but I will do my best to sum up what happened after that. I came to find out that very day through a friend who does emergency foster care here (and has done foster and also has adopted through the system for 12 years), that there was several people who knew the kids and were very shocked they were being placed together and that they were being placed with a "new" foster family. I just took that warning as "they doubt my abilities". How prideful I was. It turns out the baby, was incredibly needy. She needed to be held constantly and would cry often if you laid her down. She also suffered from colic and reflux both of which (along with the added stress of me not being familiar and her brother screaming all day) kept her up a good majority of the night, and not very happy at all from about 5pm to 2am. The boy on the other hand had no problem sleeping. It was the daytime that was his trouble. He adjusted OK the first day and a half, but then the tantrums went from screaming to pure rage. Anytime he felt frustrated at anything, food, toys, sharing, going to the bathroom, or getting in the car, he raged. He screamed, hit walls, threw toys, and eventually hit my son and myself. I stayed calm and consistent with him. I calmly talked him through, and did consistent time outs. If I had to put the baby down to go speak to him, hold him, or place him on a time out, my eight year old daughter shouldered the burden of taking care of the baby so that I could. Usually at the little boy's loudest points, my six year old son would find a place to go sit and put his hands over his ears. My daughter and I felt such sadness and compassion for this boy that it brought us to tears many times during the day. The tears of sadness for these precious children were shed during the day, and my tears of hopelessness and exhaustion were shed at night. We kept on. I kept holding and rocking the baby in between putting the our foster boy on time out and keeping everyone safe from his rage. Also within this time we realized I could no longer go to the grocery store with my children like I used to. The little boy would get frustrated with wanting things and scream as loud as he could in the store. I tried going to the store once and that was all it took to realize that I could not do it. The grocery store was not the only thing to go. I could not even get one dinner meal on the table. Also all cleaning, homeschooling and spending time with my two children went out the door. I was so tied up with the two very needy and almost "special needs" children that my two had to wait until bedtime. We put the other two to sleep and then let our two stay up later to spend time with them. Which posed another problem of my husband and I having any time together. This is when things started to break down. I saw because I wanted to do a "good" thing (fostering) I was neglecting all my other responsibilities. My home, my kids, my teaching, my cooking and providing, and my nurturing of my husband. Other Foster parents that I knew were coming by to visit and saw how things were going. They kept saying "Valerie, this was a bad placement, you can't keep doing this, it's not your fault. These children should not have been placed together". that's when I learned that another section of DHS had been suggesting that the boy not be placed with other children. Yet I had only one question for myself, one that plagued me constantly all day....."WHY can't I do this??!! I should be able to do this!" I just kept thinking that it should all be working out. Maybe it needed more time, maybe I needed less sleep (although I was only going on a few hours a night). I could not understand why it wasn't working. I was a strong woman. My kids were great kids. I knew how to handle children. I kept my cool. I stayed consistent. But inside, my husband and I had no peace. We were in constant turmoil over this decision. Finally, the last night we had them, my husband came home, and he was edgy. He was stressed, and it was showing. He told me he just wanted to "forget the world". I knew my husbands history with alcoholism, and he knew it well too. We did not like what this was doing to our family and our marriage. I called a friend who was a fellow foster mom and broke down and cried. I told her everything that had been going on, what I was feeling, and what my husband was going through. She said simply "Valerie, the kids must go today. They need individual homes and you need to protect what God has given you to protect and take care of." The first four days, the idea of placing them back with other foster homes, was not an option for us. But that day, it became the only option left. I cried the entire day. I called DHS, and we set up a time to place the children back into the homes they were previously in. It was a blessing that they were both able to go back to the homes they had already been in for 6 weeks, rather than go to all new houses. However, I felt like I wanted to die that day. I felt undeserving to be called a "mom", or even a human for that matter. I felt like the lowest person on the planet. I was depressed, and felt I had hurt these children by giving up on them. I could not stop crying the whole day. My husband felt frustrated and overwhelmed too, but he turned it to anger instead of depression like me. He was angry at the biological families, at DHS, at me, and even God. We felt like failures, but we also felt like we were somehow given a "hard time" by God for doing something good. We were confused.

Next post will be "How I feel" and "What I learned", which will talk more about why we were wrong to feel some of the things we felt, how we worked through that, who helped us, and what Truth brought us out it.