Serious need of fundraising! Adoption update!

UPDATE!!!   WE WERE ABLE TO RAISE, BY GOD'S GRACE, ALL $3300!!!!!   THANK YOU TO EVERYONE!


I know this is totally not fair at all to leave out so many months of updates and news but to my defense it has been CRAZY!  Crazy beautiful, but crazy none the less.  As I said in my last blog post, since August, we have driven from California to Florida on a trip to adopt a baby, (the precious mother changed her mind and we lost that adoption), drove thousands of miles home with three children empty handed with hearts full, was matched again, this time with a baby due to be born to a mother with HIV, moved to Missouri, sold our house in Anaheim and had it fall through TWO times!(we are still in escrow now for a third time.)  This move, and these serious delays have caused quite a financial hardship.  We are adopting the baby here in Missouri where we live, which is the reason why we rushed the move.  We had already decided on moving to Missouri, and then were matched with a baby in Missouri.  Which is quite rare, since we could have been matched with a child in ANY state and it just so happened to be Missouri.  We had planned on moving in early spring, but decided since we could save thousands by moving before the baby was born (because we wouldn't have to pay the ICPC paperwork and special visits, and travel money), that we should push our move date to a quicker time.  So that is when we decided to move in November/December.  Well after we moved  here to Missouri (the wonderful owners of the home we want to buy and are in escrow in, allowed us to rent during escrow, so that we could pass home inspection for the adoption), our house in Anaheim fell out of escrow.  This was a MAJOR blow for us, emotionally, and financially.  Now we faced paying double rent and mortgage at the same time as many of our adoption bills were due.  The baby was not due for another 3 weeks but we just found out today through the birth mother that her HIV viral load, which had been very low her whole pregnancy has now just shot up quite significantly.  They want to take the baby via emergency C-section in less than 48 hours!  I am packing my stuff and headed to St. Louis to be there.  I am praying I can be of some comfort to this precious young girl, as she is just heart sick about the possibility that she might give HIV to the baby. I have assured her she has VERY little chance of transmitting it to him, but she is worried sick just the same.  Will you join with me and pray for her??  Oh my gosh I can't focus!!! ;-)
ANYWHOW......... we had $3300 due before the baby was born.  We have some grant money coming in (about $1000) at the END of the month on the 31st and we have money from the sale of our house coming January 15th, but we HAVE to legally have the $3300 paid by the 30TH AT THE LATEST!!!!!  This is a huge thing for us as we currently have VERY little money to cover everything, especially a four day stay in St. Louis. We just don't have it.  Plain and simple. We are asking relatives for a loan, but it's a hard time of year for everyone. So I am asking my community of friends and believers and adoption advocates for help!  If you can donate anything we would really appreciate it.  Please click the PayPal "Donate" button and donate to this fund (the Paypal donate, and not the AdoptTogether donate button, as it takes longer than a week to access out Adopt Together funds, which we don't have).  We have to have enough by the 29th so we can have the check ready the 30th.
Prayer requests:
~Pray for precious birth momma as she processes the adoption, loosing her chance at a vaginal delivery, which she had really hoped for, and for her health
~Pray for baby Malachi to be healthy and not contract HIV
~Pray for hospital staff to honor and respect the Birth mommas wishes and birth plan
~For us to raise the $3300
~For us to find childcare for our 3 children so my husband and I can be together at he hospital at some point.  My precious mother in law had planned on flying out here to Missouri and staying with the kids during this time, but I am devastated to say that she was surprisingly diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer two weeks before Christmas.  This has been so hard on everyone, especially her (pray for her too please??), and I know she wishes she could come and do this.  But as of right now we don't have childcare which means we would be separated.  And that's ok if thats the Lords Will.
(The Donate button is at the TOP right hand side of the blog)  :-)
(QUICK UPDATE:  I HAVE ALREADY RAISED $410 BY ONLY THREE GENEROUS PEOPLE! GOD WILL DO THIS!  I will continue to update every few hours to keep you all up to date on the fundraising)

Quickest and strangest update ever.

I sincerely believe you will never read a more insane sounding update from me....at least I hope not.

I don't have time today for details, but they will come soon.  Oh how beautiful are all the details.  But you will understand in a moment why I don't have time.
Currently we are....
~Selling our house in California where we live near all our family and friends
~buying a house in Missouri that we have NEVER seen before
~moving to Missouri
~updating our homestudy
~unpacking
~annnnnd adopting our new baby whom we have recently been matched with

Allll of this will happen in less than two months!!!!!!  The Lord is with us, The Lord is with us (do you hear me chanting?)
Pray for us ;-)

The post I didn't want to write.

Hello sweet friends.  I hopped on the computer tonight for one reason, and one reason only.   That reason was to write the story I never wanted to write.  The story of our "failed adoption".  Although I hate that term.  I prefer to just simply say the truth, and that is that nothing failed.  The birth family decided to keep their sweet baby, and God's painful, but good and perfect will was laid before us.  The reason I need to write this down tonight, even if I really don't want to, is because I need for everyone to hear/read it at the same time.  I have so many (praise God!) loving friends and family members who will all want to know how it all happened, and how we dealt with it, and how we are doing now, 8 days later.  I want them to know.  I just don't want to describe that heart wrenching day over and over and over again.  Kind of like a band-aid, ya know?  I just want to rip it off and be done with it.  But I fear, with the pain being so fresh, that every time someone asks "what happened", I will re-live "what happened" all over again.  So for me, to write this down publicly, and show everyone at the same time, is healing and helpful for me.  I sort of get to talk about it when, and how I want to once everyone knows.  Do you understand?  I hope that you do.  Here goes.

The weeks leading up to the trip:

As I texted and messaged the precious birth momma, over the weeks that I had before the birth, I couldn't help but fall head over heels in love with her.  She was an African American woman living in a state in my country, but in a world all her own.  She was another skin color, another culture, she lived in the deep south, and she was dirt poor, living in a crime infested government owned project.  We were nothing alike.......except....... we both knew Jesus, her more recently than I, and we both loved this baby.  She was already raising her sweet beautiful boys on her own, and for reasons I leave private to her, she was going to choose adoption for this sweet one.  Every time I spoke to her, I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness for her.  Sadness that she was going to have to walk this hard road.  I knew and could read in her texts that she was trying to prepare herself, but that the knowledge of letting go of this baby was breaking her heart.  But she had resolve, and she was determined to follow through with the plan.  The birth father however was less determined and was "willing" to let the adoption take place, but from what I could gather, he was heartbroken as well, and not at all happy about the idea of it.  I could easily understand that.  But the plan was she would deliver by herself at the hospital and that neither, he, or any of her family members would come and see the baby, as they didn't want to see him, then let him go.  Again, I could understand that.  And the birth mother as well, wanted it that way.  She didn't want other peoples attachments to the baby to get in the way of her decision.  She lovingly respected their decision to leave her alone during and after delivery, and encouraged that as the plan.  But my heart BROKE, and I mean broke, that she would do it all alone. About a week before my family and I left for our cross country road trip to go to Georgia to await the arrival of the baby, I had coffee with several of my girlfriends and voiced the fear that was nagging on my heart.  I told them I was a little numb.  Not feeling elated, or worried.  I just......was.  I felt nothing.  Nothing good or bad.  It just felt like waiting.  Like how you feel in an elevator waiting to reach the bottom floor.  I also shared the reason I might have been feeling like that.......I was very concerned she might change her mind.  My thought was that if the birth father showed up to the hospital and hugged that baby, and looked at her and asked her to keep him, I knew that she would.  And I knew she would be fully within her rights, morally, legally, and in all ways.  I wouldn't fault her if she did.  I also felt slightly detached because well, he was thousands of miles away in another woman's womb.  I couldn't feel him kick, or see him on an ultrasound, or even be near him geographically.  I knew my attachment would grow the closer we got to him.  I knew that if I held him in my arms, my heart would swell with love for him.  I knew that if I laid eyes on him, and planted a sweet motherly kiss on his little brow that I would be hooked.  And so I asked my friends to pray that night, that if it was the Lords will that we not keep him, that the Lord would PLEASE prevent us from driving there, and for the love of everything PLEASE don't let me hold him if I couldn't keep him.  That prayer was heard by the Lord, I have no doubt, but He chose to make me walk that path anyhow.  For reason's yet to be seen.

The trip to Georgia:
We left on a Sunday morning just shy of two weeks before her due date.  We had a twelve passenger van loaded down with two parents, three kids, all our luggage and the baby supplies, car seats, and blankets you could need for the first weeks of a babies life.  We were jammed to the brim.  We set off and started to get pretty excited.  My precious daughter was taking videos and pictures to document the trip to later give to baby Malachi (Malachi is what we named him). When we were just two days into what we planned for a 8 day trip, the birth mother let me know that she was in the hospital for pre-term labor and that they were sending her home as she wasn't quite in the "real" labor that they like to see.  We quickly canceled visits with friends and family, and got to Georgia as fast as we could with two children and our little impatient, active, unbelievably adorable, tornado toddler whom we like to call Ethan.  We got to Georgia on a Friday afternoon.  And Malachi was born just a few hours later Saturday morning.

The day of the birth:
Ethan had not been sleeping well the whole trip and had thrown an all out revolt against the pack-n-play (port-a-crib).  So we had been taking turns laying down with him at night in the bed to get him to sleep.  It was the only way he would sleep, even though at home he NEVER slept with us, and never seemed to mind his crib.  The night of the 16th I happened to be the one in the room with Ethan.  I had accidentally brought my phone in the room with me instead of leaving it in the kitchen area (we had an extended stay suite) on the charger.  It was too late now, with Ethan snuggled up next to me, only half asleep.  I just quickly put the phone on silent, so that no text messages woke up Ethan, and dozed off.  I awoke the next morning around 7a.m and took Ethan out to the dining room for breakfast.  I immediately had a thought that said "you better go check your phone".  I ignored it, and moved about my morning.  Then again that thought came, this time much stronger "something is up, GO CHECK YOUR PHONE!".   I literally jumped off the couch and went to the room.  I couldn't believe when it showed three missed calls from the birth mother at 4am.  I KNEW she had given birth.  There was no other reason for her to call at that hour.  I quickly called her back and she let me know he was born sometime after 2am that morning.  I woke Jake up and we got dressed as fast as we could and left for the hospital (my sister had flown in and was there to watch my kids, which was awesome).  We walked into her room and I walked straight over to the bed where she laid. Funny thing, looking back, I didn't look for the baby first.  Just for her.  I laid my hands on her and asked if I could hug her.  She said yes and I did.  Then asked her how she was feeling.  That is when I saw a movement in the corner of my eye.  I turned around and sitting in the room was the birth father holding a little bundle.  She looked at me and said "He just got here a few minutes before you did.  I didn't know he was coming".   The birth father had changed his mind and come after all.  I walked over and said hi to him.  He was breaking and I could tell.  Sure he was holding it together, but he had a death grip on that baby, and fear in his eyes.  But then his demeanor changed and he softened, he had a look of resignation to what he knew was coming, and handed the bundle out to me and said "do you want to hold him?".  I said sure and took Malachi into my arms.  Jake was standing behind me and we both beheld his sweetness.  He was adorable for sure.

I adored him.  But emotionally, and mentally it was hard.  We had an audience of two people.......his parents.  And that made it very hard to cry for joy or bond or open up his swaddle and just take in every part of his precious little newborn self.  So we just held him, took some pictures and made small talk.  After a while, I handed him back to the birth father and we said we would walk out and give them a little time together.  They said that it was OK, and that it wasn't necessary, but we felt like doing it anyhow.  We left for a little while then came back up.  When we came up a hospital social worker was sitting in there with them, asking them questions.  We turned to walk out but the lady said she had some questions for us.  I wont write all this part down, but let me be totally honest and say that this woman, an African American woman, was NOT happy this baby was being adopted out, and was CERTAINLY not happy he was going to a white family.  It was very evident.  She was really hard on us.  The adoption social worker, a totally different one than this hospital worker, that the Birth mother and us were working with even called while I was in there and asked to speak to the hospital social worker (typical protocol) but the hospital social worker refused to speak with her.  Not a good sign. But soon, she kicked us out and wanted to be alone with the Birth mother and father.  When she left 5 minutes later, and we came back in, the BM and BF were beside themselves in tears.  They were sobbing.  It was terrible. We knew the lady had told them things that upset them (later we would find out, just a bit of how awful that lady was to them about the adoption)  Again, when I came in they were kind to me, and they asked me to take the baby in my arms.  I did.  At this point Jake left to go to the hotel to help with Ethan.  I stayed in the room and and BF asked me a few questions, like what was I going to name him, and things like that.  I told him I would send lots and lots of pictures and come visit Georgia when we could.  He cried a lot when I said that, so I just sat quietly.  Before long we were all crying.  All except little Malachi who slept through it all, never once waking the whole time I was there (except for when the nurse came and changed his diaper), staying oblivious the the emotions and decisions surrounding him.  I just wanted to hug them and make it better, but how do you do that when you are the one leaving with their baby?  Hardest. Thing. Ever.  Here was my view for thirty minutes.....BF holding BM as they both wept.(I feel comfortable sharing this as you can see neither of their faces and it is all part of his story).

Finally they both slept while I held Malachi in my arms and rocked him in a rocking chair in the corner of the room.  A while later, maybe an hour, the hospital phone rang.  It was the front desk letting them know that her brother and her oldest son (who was five) were coming up to see them.  I could tell the BM was seeing where this was heading.  She never intended for anyone to get attached, but people who weren't going to come, just kept coming.  Later her mother would come too.  When I knew that all her family was coming up, I put the baby down and let the BM know I would be just downstairs in the cafeteria and to call or text me when they leave and that I would come back up.   She smiled and said OK.  I was in the cafeteria an hour later when I got the text.  As soon as I read the first line I knew.  And I felt the punch in my gut and the wave of nausea.  She had changed her mind.  Well actually her family, namely the BF had changed theirs, and she felt she just had to keep the baby for them,  for their rights to the baby.  I understood.  But I broke.  Right there in that cafeteria, with no one at my side, I wept loudly, uncontrollably and brokenly.  It was awful.  No way around it, it was so dang painful.  I just cried and cried for minutes before I could even call my husband.  I called him and all I could choke out in between sobs was "she's keeping the baby, come get me now".  I stayed and cried for another twenty minutes until my precious husband arrived to pick me up out front.  He held me in the car, and we shared horribly sad, but wonderfully beautiful moments together before we drove off.  He was amazing.  I won't repeat all we said, but one thing he said was "Valerie, we aren't in the business of taking  away children who have families, we are in the business of giving children who need a home a home.  Plain and simple.  He has home.  It's just not us.".  And it was true.  Painfully true. It wasn't us.  I knew God's hand was in it.  I wasn't angry, or confused.  I was just in pain.  I was sad, and I was hurting bad.  The hurt would be worse 20 minutes later when I would sit my precious little girl on my lap and tell her on her twelfth birthday, that her little brother wasn't going to be her little brother.  To watch her heart wrench, and then my precious 9 year old sons' as well, was one of the hardest things ever.  It was just awful.  We all cried as a family, then spoke truth, then prayed.

The aftermath:
My husband decided that since we were only 5 hours from Disneyworld that we would drive to Florida the next day and make a happy memory for the road trip.  Easier said than done.  While we did have a fun time there, we all felt the loss.  But it was a wonderful distraction.  However the distraction ended when we left Florida to drive home.........without a baby.  That was when the grieving began.  It was so hard to drive home. We were all homesick, tired of traveling, and grieving the loss.  When we got home today, we were elated to be home.  But the second we unloaded the baby stuff and saw the nursery, we all started grieving again.  And that is where we are now.  I have talked to the Birth mother once since, and it was a beautiful texting conversation.  She is a beautiful woman, and I love her.  She never meant to hurt us, and it grieves me to hear anyone mad at her for this.  God was in control the whole time, and if he drove us across the country, just to show love to them, then so be it.  We serve Christ, he does not serve us.  Sometimes that means hard things.  And you just got to do them, and walk through them.  He walks with us, for that we are certain.  Although I have never been so sure of my faith in the Lord and of his Sovereign will as I am now, I can still hear and feel the words of the accuser........"God is not good.  Why you?   Why this?  Just go ahead and be angry.....your more used that emotion".  But by the grace of God, and him granting me extra measures of faith, I have been able to withstand those fiery arrows.  I pray it stays that way the entire time I grieve and wait for another match.  Waiting is so hard.  Well, I need to go to bed now.  I pray you will all read this and pray for us, and for the birth family as they raise their four boys.  We will always love Malachi and will pray for him often.....and who knows, maybe one day we will meet him again. We are taking time to be together as a family so if I don't return your calls, or messages back right away, it just means I am healing. 

And then God changed everything....part 3

Part 1
Part 2

So as we waited for Tuesday to arrive, we continued to wait on news from the foster to adopt agency, or from the Lawyer in San Diego.  Neither came by Tuesday morning, so we brought our homestudy, our paperwork, and our check to the Adoption Agency to proceed with this new plan.  We went in, had our meeting, asked some questions, thought a bit more, and dove in.  Then the woman doing the meeting, whom we had not met before in our meetings there with precious adoption of Ethan's, asked who our worker was who matched us with Ethan.  We told her and she said "Oh, she's here, do you want to meet her?"  We said "Of Course!".  A few minutes later the precious woman, *Susan, came in the room.  I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her, and the memories of all our phone calls and prayers over the phone came flooding back to me.  She was such an encouragement to me with Ethan's crazy beautiful adoption.  So after hugging and gushing memories, and introducing her to the kids, she asked "So you're adopting again?".  We said yes, and beamed with new excitement.  Excitement we hadn't felt in a long while.  The other woman in the room, the Lawyer, said, "Oh they are totally ready.  The homestudy is done, they paid their first deposit, they finished the paperwork, they are ready."  Then Susan asked "So you're ready ready? I mean totally ready?"  I answered, "Yep, we are ready!  I mean we have to get things organized and stuff, but we are ready".  Thinking in my mind she is asking like, is our house ready, or are we emotionally ready.  But then she said it.  The eight words that rocked my world..... she said "Because I have a birth mother for you".  I stood stunned for a second.  Sinking in deep what she had really just said.  I literally stood silent for what seemed like an eternity.  It was probably only a few seconds, but I felt like time had slowed.  Did she really just say what I think she said?  I knew they said it would be a quick thing, but 20 minutes after signing the papers???   The same DAY we decided to do this??  I looked at her and asked "Are you serious?"  She said, "Yes, I am.  I am looking for a match for a sweet precious African American woman in Georgia.  She is due in 8 weeks!".  Then Susan said "I will be right back!" and ran and got the file that was sitting on her desk.  We learned more about the birth mother, but new already our answer was yes.  How could it not be?

We did ask some questions like "Are you sure she  is OK with placing her baby with a white family?" and things like that.  She said she would send our file to the Birth Mother and find out her answer soon.  So we waited (ahhhhh waiting......that is adoptions middle name).  We waited a few days and found out she said yes to us.

We praise God for bringing this situation.  For the life of this precious boy.  For the life of his momma and his three brothers.  We know that although we have already talked to this woman and fallen in love with her, and even though we text with her fairly consistently, that this might all not work out.  We could drive to Georgia, and she could change her mind.  She could be changing her mind right now, for all we know.  There are no guarantees in adoption.  We could hold, snuggle, love, feed and praise God for our sweet baby when he is born, and have him for days and someone could still call us up one day, and say, I am sorry, we have to come take the baby now, she wants him back.  And not only would we have to accept that, but we would know she is completely within her rights to do that.  We do not know the future, but we press on towards our plans to drive to Georgia and await the birth of our son.  Will he be healthy?  Will we get to hold him right away, or will we have to wait for a days?  Will she change her mind?  Will she be OK?  None of this is answered in advance for us.  We walk by faith, and not by sight.  We press on, knowing that God is good, and not matter what happens, He saw it before hand and will walk us through it.  I have little confidence in this world, but I have TRUST in my God.  He will be with me.  HE will walk this road with us, as scary and as exciting as it may be, we are not alone.

I'll keep you updated :-)   In the meantime.......would you prayerfully consider helping with the overwhelming financial costs of this adoption?  The program was discounted, praise God, but the interstate adoption agencies and paperwork is NOT.  The travel for us is working out to be quite expensive as well, seeing that we must remain in Georgia for close to a week or longer to wait for the ICPC to be released from Georgia to California, and be accepted by California.  ICPC is a paper that must be received and signed by both state agencies before we can leave Georgia.  This paper alone by the way costs $1000.  Just one piece of paper. 

Some ways to give:
 ~ One way is to buy our fundraising necklace from the Jubilees Jewels .  Our fundraising necklace is called "Every good gift..."  taken from the scripture verse James 1:17
~Another way to give with just one click at our fundraising site on adopttogether.org  which is..
https://www.adopttogether.org/esparzafamily/
~And lastly, if you are crafty, you can donate to our Craft sale!  Do you enjoy making Pinterest creations?  Do you sew, knit, crochet, paint, or make anything else cool that someone might buy?  If so you can message me at sgtswife03@yahoo.com for my address and send me something to sell at my Fundraising sale coming up on Saturday August 3rd.

Thank you so much for your emotional, physical, prayerful, and financial support!

And then God changed everything....part 2

Click here for Part 1

   So here we were, knowing that God had provided a family for this little guy. We were so very glad for him. We even found out later that he went to the wonderful home of a woman in our Christian homeschooling community.  Oh how God is so good.
   But what was God doing?  Was this just a fluke incident, or was God again moving us in a different direction, the way He did with Ethan's adoption?  We really felt He just wanted us to be open.  Open to anything, and to trust Him for the end result.  While these thoughts were fresh on the mind, I opened my email, not more than a few days after hearing that we were not chosen for the sweet Down's baby in LA, to see another email from the lawyer in LA.  He stated that a colleague of his had called him that morning about a baby in San Diego whose mother had been on Methamphetamines.  He asked if we would like our profile sent to them in San Diego to be considered for that baby, and that he would send the file to them as a courtesy to us with no charge.  I called my husband at work, and read the email to him.  He was having an awful day, and was in a lot of pain (pain that lingers still from his back surgery last year).  He didn't like the wording of the email, and wasn't sure at all what that kind of a drug might do to a baby.  He was frustrated that it sounded like they were acting as if it was a "courtesy" to find a family for a baby.  So he quickly said,"No. Just tell him no. We're doing an older child adoption through the county.  This wasn't in our plans.".  I did as he said.  It broke my heart to write it, but I wasn't going to argue, If he wasn't on board, then I wasn't on board.   I could tell my poor husband was having a really tough day.
   The very next evening, my husband and I were reading at the computer, a horrific story of an abortion, and the lives that it affected.  We sort of thought out loud to one another "what if that woman in San Diego was told 'I can't find anyone to adopt your baby' and she went through with an abortion because she thought she didn't have another option?".  We let the weight of that sink in.  He looked at me and said "write the lawyer back and ask him to please send our profile to the colleague in San Diego.  Maybe he will, maybe he wont, let's just leave it for God to decide.".  I wrote him again and asked him to please send our profile and that we had reconsidered.
   A week went by and we heard nothing.  Nothing back from the Lawyer in LA and nothing from the lawyer in San Diego.  We weren't sure if he even ever sent the profile.  I had to admit, we did sound a little wishy-washy by saying so no so quickly, and then changing our minds soon after.  I finally got up the nerve to write him and ask if he would just let us know if he sent it or not.  He wrote back that same day and said that yes, he had in fact sent it, but that we wouldn't hear anything at all unless we were picked.  So we would now just wait.  If we didn't hear anything soon, we would know that she didn't select us, or possibly even changed her mind about the adoption all together.
   As the days ticked by we kept thinking out loud to one another "What is God doing here?  Why are all these babies being put in front of us to consider?  Babies we weren't really thinking about.  Was he wanting us to do a domestic adoption again?  We just kept thinking of these precious babies, so many of which were in danger any given day to the abortion that ever looms in front of their momma's path.  We know all too well how many people desire the deaths of the ones who aren't "wanted" or those who come at very unfortunate times.  We know how hard Ethan's birth momma struggled against the doctors, and nurses who literally screamed at her to abort Ethan. She was six months along when she found out she was pregnant with him. She saw him on an ultrasound the day she found out.....it was her courage, and more than likely that ultrasound that saved his life. Of course we know that God was ultimately in control, and watching over our precious son.  How she held her ground at that hospital, with all the pressure and verbal abuse she endured with no one at her side to defend her and our little Ethan hidden in her womb, is an absolute miracle.  ahhhh I digress..... where was I?  Oh yes, what was God doing? Or was this just us doing something.  Maybe we were just suckers for hearing about children in need.
   We decided to call our foster to adopt agency and ask more questions about what we could do to speed things along.  We asked  for them to search diligently for some children for us to at least consider, and look at the files.  We sort of wanted them to move things along before we did something crazy ;-)  In the meantime we had been calling social workers about children we were finding on the computer on sites like AdoptUsKids.org or  HeartGalleryof America.org, but either the workers never called us back or when they did the children were already adopted, or had severe issues on our "no-go" list.  But we were looking.
   The next day my husband and I were talking and he said "I wonder if ANLC is doing the African American Fee Reduction Program again?".  ANLC is the same agency we went through with Ethan.  They were amazing to work with, and with our wait with Ethan being only 48 hours after finishing their profile paperwork (2 months total from signing on to getting matched.  But only 48 hours after completing the profile), we were pretty darn satisfied.  Well when Ethan was 5 months old they contacted us about a special program in which you adopt at a greatly reduced price, because they are specifically looking for families for babies who are "hard to match".  These babies at the time were Black/African American babies. They had a large number of African American women who were willing to place their babies, but not enough families on their files willing to adopt non-white babies.  Some were willing to adopt Hispanic, and Asian, but not Black. When we received that email when Ethan was five months old, we honestly considered it, as we had always been open to any race, but finally realized we could not do it with all of Ethan's needs at the time.  He was a VERY needy baby when he was little, and still is in many ways.  Fast forward to this day and my husband wonders if they are having this program available.  I sort of shrugged my shoulders and said "Well they might.  I'm not sure.  Should we call and ask?"  He says yes, and so I call that day.  I was so nervous dialing that number!!!  I just kept thinking "What am I doing?!?!?!?!  We aren't going to do another infant adoption!!", but I kept dialing anyway.  Driven for some odd reason just to find out.  I guess the babies in LA and San Diego had done something to me.  Or maybe I was ovulating at the time, ha! Whatever it was, something was softening both of our hearts to being open to doing another domestic adoption.  I talked to the supervisor and asked about the African American Fee Reduction Program.  They said that they did indeed have the program currently running and were in great need of families willing to adopt these precious babies.  I told her my situation, and that we were currently doing Foster to Adopt, I even told her that I had NO CLUE what I was doing on the phone with her, because we weren't doing another domestic infant adoption :-)   We decided to schedule an informational meeting for a week later exactly.  That would land us on a Tuesday.  We decided together, Jake and I, that if we didn't hear back from the woman in San Diego, or from the Foster to Adopt agency, or from the social workers who we had contacted about children on the websites, then we would consider signing on with ANLC on Tuesday.  And so we waited for Tuesday to come and God to show us what to do.......
Part 3 (the very end I promise!!!) tomorrow!

And then God changed everything.... Part 1

I am marveling over the fact that I am about to write the miraculous story of our second adoption, when I still have yet to write all the miracles surrounding Ethan's adoption!  That is sort of frustrating, and I am sorry it is all going to be a bit out of order, but I will write tonight about the story of how we were matched with this precious little one, and then another day soon, I will write more about how it all happened with Ethan (especially his birth story which is AMAZING!).  Until then though, this is the story of Malachi James.

As many know, for the past 11 months we have been pursuing an adoption through Foster to Adopt.  Jake and I adored our experience with Ethan, and it was mightily blessed by God. We couldn't believe he shifted us from our international adoption with South Korea, to an infant adoption in California, something that we swore we would never do.  God has his own plan however, and we are so glad he does!!  Ethan is a delight, and a bright shiny light on any and all dark days. However, even though we had an amazing experience with him, and the agency the Lord led us to to adopt him from, we decided not to pursue another domestic infant adoption for several reasons.  One, was that we just couldn't afford another domestic infant adoption.  Two, was that we do have a passion for siblings, and for older children.  Of course we love babies, but doesn't everyone?  We thought for sure that doing older kids, possibly siblings, was the way to go for our next adoption.  Not to mention, it is a free adoption when you adopt through the state. We briefly considered international adoption, but knew straight away that this would not suite our family and where we were at, and again, financially, it just wasn't possible.
   So we started our homestudy officially last September with an agency that works hand in hand with the counties.  This homestudy was our longest one ever.  The agency we went through was a delightful little office, with warm and friendly women.  But they were sincerely understaffed, so everything took twice as long as it should have.  We completed our homestudy officially in March, after a long 6 months of interviews, paperwork, fingerprinting, and well....more interviews and paperwork! When we completed the Homestudy, we honestly thought children would quite literally be thrown at our door.  We prepared the house, the beds, our hearts, and our kids.  And we waited.  And waited.  And waited.  Nothing.  Not even a call.  We stayed in contact with our matching coordinator and she let us know that she was trying but there just weren't that many kids who met our criteria.  Say what?? We were open to special needs, older kids, siblings, and children with learning disabilities for crying out loud. Wasn't this the description of all the kids in desperate need of homes?  But what she was having trouble with was not the things we were open to, but the things we were not.  Things like children who act out sexually towards other children (due to prior sexual abuse). We just couldn't have that with having three other young children in the home.  Another thing that we decided was a "no go", were children who acted out very violently to other children and animals.  Our concern wasn't as much for our 11 and 9 year old, but more for little Ethan, who at a year and a half, is pretty defenseless. One other thing that we had said was that we were open to a level 1, 2, and 3, risk, but not 4 or 5.  In Foster lingo those numbers represent the "risk" of that child being returned to the custody of the parents. Level 1 are children whose parents have lost their rights, and are awaiting families and free to adopt (these are very rare for many reasons). Level 2 means that the children in this category have a high likelihood of NOT being returned to the parents, and are very close to being free to adopt. Level 3 are children they think will more than likely not be returned to the parents, but they have not determined for sure yet.   While we try to have respect for the system and how it works (although we do have some qualms, we know we are not experts either), we didn't feel comfortable with Fostering alone, so levels 4 and 5 were out.  We felt very passionate about adopting a child waiting for a forever family. And lastly, we were not open to children older than Jacob's age of 9, as he was passionate about keeping his birth order and not wanting children older than him.  We really wanted to honor that for him.
   What we were hearing from the agency, was that there were plenty of children who didn't act out sexually, but they were violent.  And there were plenty of non-violent children, but thy acted out sexually.  And there were some who had neither of those issues, but they were older than 9.  And some that fit all of those, but they were a level 4 or 5, meaning that they were likely to return to their original homes shortly.    We were discouraged, but not disheartened.  We figured all it would take was some time and some prayer, and the Lord would bring whom he wanted into our family when He felt the time was right.
   In the meantime, one day while I was doing homeschool with the children, I get a message from a dear friend asking if I saw the baby on Facebook available for adoption. She had heard about the child on the Facebook page of a woman in our homeschool group.  I was not "Facebook Friends" with that woman, although I knew her from the homeschool get togethers.  So I "friend requested" her so that I could learn more.  Just out of curiosity.  A few days later she accepted my friend request and I scanned through her posts to find the one about the baby.  I found it.  All it said was that there was a baby born in LA with Down Syndrome and that the parents wanted to place the baby for adoption. The adoptive parents would have to homestudy ready and live in California.  I read it a second time, and thought...."hmmmm".   My husband passed by me at the computer a few hours later and I said "We wouldn't really consider adopting a baby with Downs Syndrome right now would we?".  He looked at me and said "Why wouldn't we?".  I said " ummm, well, it's a life long commitment, and we are pursuing siblings through the foster care system, so that's why I thought maybe we wouldn't".  I then told him about the baby I had read about, and he asked me to write the woman in the contact area of the post to get more information.  I did.  And we waited.  She got back to us about 5 days later and said all she had was an email for a lawyer, and that if we wanted to be considered for the baby, then we were to send our homestudy/profiles, to the Lawyer.  I asked my husband that night if we should do it, and he said "Let's talk about it in the morning".  That's what I get for asking late at night ;-)   The next morning came and as I awoke and wiped the sleep out of my eyes, I saw my husband getting his Army boots on while readying for work.  I said "So what are we thinking?"  He had his back to me at the time and said "Well, it's a life time commitment.  I know full well all that a Down's diagnosis entails" (his little brother has Down Syndrome).  He continued... "I know it would be hard and he would need care for life, but I don't think God is going to let me retire to the easy life anytime soon, so I might as well be doing that.  And truly, if we were ever going to do anything that flew in the face of what this world says is good and valuable, and what this world says is not,  it would be this.   Send our profile, let's leave it in Gods hands.  If we get picked, he was meant for us, if not, then he wasn't".  And so I did.  That morning.  A few days later I got an email in reply from the Lawyer letting us know that they Birth Family had narrowed down the options to three families and that we were not one of the three.  We had complete peace about it knowing that we had trusted the Lord for the decision from the get go, so we praised the Lord that he would have a home soon.
Come back tomorrow for Part 2

Homestudies and patience.

Homestudy  :A three-part process required before a child can be placed with a family for foster care or adoption:

 I still cannot believe that the last time I was on here we were starting yet another homestudy journey.  It has been 7 months since then and we ARE STILL WAITING to finish.  This is by far the LONGEST homestudy we have ever done.  Partially it is because we are doing Foster to Adopt, and partially it is due to the fact that we went through a small organization that is a sort of middle man, or go-between if you will, for the County.  We really wanted to avoid dealing too much with the county directly, so this organization has been worth the wait.  They are small and understaffed, hence the extreme length of time it has taken to finish the homestudy.  We are however, nearing the end.  It looks like we will be receiving phone calls and looking at the files of precious children in just a few short weeks.  This will be the hardest part.  Looking and reading files of children after children after children, all who need a home, all who need mommies and daddies, all who need to know the love of Christ.  How do you pick just one?  Or just two?  I guess the answer is you don't.  We are praying so hard (would you join me in this prayer?) that God would make it very obvious whom he has for us.  I know the children that are meant to be with us will be with us, but I also know I might fret just a tad if I loose that focus.  So I pray that before I can fret about which children we are to bring home, that God would say "these are the ones I have for you". 
   After they come into our home, there will be a huge time of adjustment for everyone.  I am sure I don't have to tell you the absolute fear and confusion a child goes through every time they have to transition to a new home and family, both of which they are unfamiliar with.  And we ourselves will have to adjust to the logistics of more children as well as the emotional strain of trying to care for their fragile little hearts.  But this we are assured of; that God will prepare us when we are in need.  I believe with all my heart I am not prepared right at this moment for all that will be required of us as we continue adopting, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God WILL grant us all we need when we need it.  I was not prepared to be a mom at 19 when I was alone and unmarried, but God in his mercy granted me wisdom, and love and devotion every day that I needed it to be her mother.  I was also not prepared for all the challenges of marriage either, but in the mercy that is new every morning I learn how to be a wife to Jake.  I say this to show you that the power to commit ourselves to love and good works does not come from us.  It comes from the Holy Spirit in us.  He calls us to things, and we think "no way!  I am totally not able to do that".  No we are not, but He is!  And He lives in us, and greater is He that is in us, than he that is in the world!
    Everyday that Jake and I feel the joy of knowing, this is what we are meant to do (even with a bit of fear and trepidation in the back of our minds), we also feel a grieving that "the harvest is plentiful but the workers are few".  Where are the workers?  There is so much to do.  And I am not referring only to cause of the Orphan. *Sigh* but this is a topic for another day.
    The Lord is awakening our hearts and minds to the great need around us.  Almost like we are seeing it for the first time.  It is wonderful, exhilarating, terrifying, and almost sad.  Wonderful because we are ready to serve, we are ready to love, we are ready to say YES to our King.  Exhilarating and terrifying because it is a scary thing sometimes to say YES to God and not be in control of what he will ask (can I get an Amen?).   And finally it is sad.  Sad to realize how many years of following Christ we followed him selfishly.  We didn't want to care about the things He cared about.  We didn't want to love the unlovable, or even have more children.  We are also sad to see just how many Christians live exactly the same way, unwilling to stop being pampered and entertained (as we have come to the conclusion that that is how we were/and often still are), and not wanting to step out and do the things that God has prepared for all Christians to do.   Let's remember that our life is a breath, a vapor, and that there is much much much to be done.

While we wait,
Valerie