A Contentious Wife part 2

A  definition of Contentious:  1) Tending towards argument or strife; quarrelsome. 2) Causing, involving, or characterized by argument or controversy.

Hmmmmm well I am certain the question of the day is.....how am I working out the details of NOT being a contentious wife?   Well, I am trying.  That is for sure.  Some days are better than others.  Some days I remember that the Lord wishes me to count my blessings, to remember to be respectful to my husband, to show him honor rather than constant annoyance with his "failures".  Other days, he's insensitive and rude, and really, I just go off.  Then we both repent, hug one another, pray and start over again.  Really, that's about as deep as it gets.   But that's life.   It is not romantic in the sense that Hollywood often portrays romance, or even the way our Christian romance novels portray it.  It's ugly.  It's messy.  But when God steps in and redeems it, it's the most beautiful thing in the world.  Anything that God redeems, is made beautiful.  That's how I view my marriage.  It can get sticky.  It has been ugly, mean, and downright sinful.  Yet as I sit back and marvel at the Lords handiwork over these last few years, and most importantly in these last 6 months or so, I see my marriage as a beautiful thing being woven together by a master artist.  He does this for a living....really.  :-)

So, down to the details.  Some things I have been trying to do, based on the sweet motivation from the Holy Spirit, have been:

~Trying to remember it's not all about me.  That means, that when I am wishing after a long night with the baby that my husband would remember to make me a cup of coffee when he gets up to make his, I instead try and think of something I can do for him.  Is he hungry?  Does he want a good morning hug, rather than a glare for not making me said coffee?

~Remembering to look at his attributes, not his failures.  Has he done something lately that was good, thoughtful, or self sacrificing?  Tell HIM!

~When he shares a wild dream of living in Alaska, or buying a third car because he "feels" we need a truck, remembering to nod and smile.  For the love of everything good DO NOT share the thoughts in your mind (ie. "Are you nuts!" , "have you seen our budget sweet heart? Does it have a large gaping hole that is screaming 'fill me with a new car payment'?"  "Sure honey, you go live up in the wilderness where it's freezing and play inside with the kids all day while packing heat to defend against bears on your way to the store".) 

~Thinking about the fact that while he may come off as cold or indifferent, really he is just thinking through things in his mind and will share them when he has thought it all through.

~HE'S REALLY NOT A BAD GUY

~Thinking about things like : does he like this shirt on me?  Does he enjoy the smell of this perfume?  Does he like this meal, or is it just me and the kids?

These are just a few of many examples.  But really, breaking the cycle of being a contentious wife, is really just the process of being open to what God sees when it comes to how you really think and act towards your husband.    Then remembering to put into practice a life of repentance when you loose your way, forgiveness when he looses his, and filling in everything in between with love.
1 Peter 4:8  " Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins"

A Contentious Wife.

1. Proverbs 21:9
   It is better to live in a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
2. Proverbs 21:19It is better to live in a desert land Than with a contentious and vexing woman.
3. Proverbs 25:24 It is better to live in a corner of the roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
4. Proverbs 27:15
   A constant dripping on a day of steady rain And a contentious woman are alike;

Hmmmmmmm, I sense a theme here by the wonderful author Solomon.  And although what he says is true, he may have had a BIT more experience with this than most men, given that he had 700 wives and 300 concubines.  He was bound to marry a few "contentious women".  

I will start this post with a humbling admission, (*gulp*).....I am a Contentious Woman.  Well a contentious wife, to be exact.  Startling how little that hurts.  Truly, it is hard to admit, but when God reveals to you a weakness, and then works in your heart to set you free from it, it's really not so painful. God has given me much hope in this last month.  I am changing, more and more everyday, the way I see things in my marriage.  And things are getting good, and getting good fast!  This is why it is a joy to share with you my journey on leaving  the contentious side of me in the past.

If you would have asked me anytime in the last ten years if I was a contentious woman/wife, I would have meekly said "oh no.  Not me.  I definitely struggle with my own personal sins, and I am not a perfect wife, but I totally believe in biblical submission.  I love my husband and submit to him often.  I am not like THOSE women! (slyly nodding my head in the direction of the woman demeaning her husband in public, and then sort of pointing in the direction of another woman telling her husband to "keep up" as the walk by). "

No, you see, the problem was not that I didn't care that I really WAS considered contentious by my husband, the problem was, I had NO IDEA what a contentions woman really looked like!  Honestly.  I really never thought I was one.  I never thought my husband thought I was one either.  I had such extremes to compare it to.   

For instance, my Mother, who I love dearly and truly is a wonderful role model in many ways, divorced 3 husbands.  I wasn't running to divorce court every time we had conflict, no, indeed, I was running to the bible!   So I was a good wife..... right?

I also had some good girlfriends, who loved Jesus, tremendously, but honestly treated their husbands like.....well....dogs.  I wasn't like them either! I never screamed at my husband in public, or left him a mile long "To Do" list on his weekends off.  On the contrary, I tried my best to "show" my husband respect, especially in public, and I rarely asked him to do much around the house.  So far I am doing great, right??  

So why is it that we had such a tough marriage?  Why is it my husband stopped confiding in me?  Why did he seem distant and harsh?  Why did he never listen to me anymore, or bring me flowers, or show affection?

The reason is simple.  Just because I didn't do, what I viewed as, "the extremes" doesn't mean I wasn't being Contentious to Jake.  

You see, I am proud to say I reject a lot of the feminist ideas.  I think hard core feminism is harsh to society, men, families,and children.  It's unfair, and down right un-biblical.  But I have realized lately that I still held some feminist idea's somewhere deep down.  I was raised in a non-Christian home and went to public school in the 90's.  Feminism was all around me.  I thought that as I became a Christian and read the Word and walked closely with my savior, I would just naturally let go of all these worldly thoughts and ideas and assume the thoughts of my Savior.

Ummmmm No. 

Not so much.  I see now that I truly thought that my needs were more important, even more noble, than his.  I mean, my need for love and honor is highly important. I work hard all day with the kids, and house, I deserve it.  His need for an adoring wife and true respect that comes from the heart was well....selfish, and very male (foreign).  Somehow my needs were valid and his were male pride.  Yikes.  

So when I "respected" him in public, yet despised him in my heart for not being the leader and man I wanted him to be, well then I was never really respecting  him at all.  And he knew it.  I tried to be encouraging, I really did.  I tried to encourage him to be a better man, a better Christian, a better father and husband.  A man knows when he doesn't measure up, even when I would say with my lips "I love you honey".  He always heard "I love you honey, but I don't respect who you are.  Maybe one day you will meet my standards, but right now you're a miserable failure".  Try being affectionate to that message. 

Then there was the double standards. When I sin, it is minor, because I do the "right" things.  See I handle my sin biblically.  I repent, reflect, confess, and do my best to walk in God's grace and not do it again.  But HE, well HE would just hide and run away from it. So his sin is now BIGGER.  " No No No. Not OK.  Come here little one, and let me show you how it's done.  You see honey, you can't even sin correctly........ let me show you how to do it...".  

Wowza.  I just couldn't figure out why things weren't cheery anymore ;-)

And on and on this went.  

"Jake, I love you, please lead the family"

(the next day)"Jake you're messing everything up by not leading, our children are going to be prostitutes and heathens!"

"Seriously, honey, you can do it, just read your bible everyday and teach the children just a few minutes a day and you'll be just like Doug Phillips and Voddie Baucham!" (now truly I did not SAY this, but I am sure this is what my husbands heart heard)

(the next day) "Seriously!!???  This sin again??  You're hopeless. You suck"

OK, now that you all hate me and think I am the wicked witch of the west, please know that God did get a hold of my heart.   He showed me in the most loving way, the only thing that would wake me up.  What my life would be like without Jake, and all his "failures".  It was just a simple vision I saw in my head as I contemplated our marriage, after another failed "date  night" (you know the kind, where you end up parked in the neighborhood screaming at each other in the car, instead of making out in the car.  You have those right?).  

I realized just that suddenly how terrible my life would be like without Jake in it.  I also so how very hard he tried to be all we needed him to be.  I saw all the good in that man, and I was so ashamed for being disappointed in him.  I was determined to pray and think, and pray some more to figure out the specifics of what I was doing to drive Jake away.  SO I prayed, and asked friends to pray, I even accepted a book from a friend on marriage, which is rare since I HATE marriage books and think they are formed in dark pits of evile devised to frustrate people.  

What God then showed me really burst my bubble...........  come back for the second post on "A Contentious Wife" and see what I am learning, how I am applying it and how my husband is responding.  

P.S. I have full permission by my husband to write this :-)  because after all, I am the submissive type, right? ;-)

Dying to SELF.

Dying to self. I hate that term, and yet I LOVE that term. There is so much wisdom and heartache and blessings all tied together in that habitual process that Christ asks of us.

I was having some problems with the hubby the other day. Nothing huge, but big enough to cause some pretty good heartache and worry. I was venting to the one and only friend who has been through our issues long enough to know how to listen and give advice. The thing I love about this friend is that she has known my husband and I since before we were married. She became a Christian right around the same time I did, and ALWAYS gives Godly advice. She brings me back to the Bible. Back to the Word. Every time.
I was venting to her the woes of being married to a man with so much "baggage". (conveniently forgetting he married a woman with baggage as well ;)
First she soothed my broken heart with sweet words of encouragement and hope. Then she softly rebuked me for not forgiving and for the borderline hate that was developing in my heart. Then she said this...." Valerie being married is learning how to Die to yourself."

*silence*

*crickets*

*more silence*

"No! I don't want to die to self any more!!! I want HIM TO DIE TO HIS SELF!"

*silence*

*more crickets*

*more silence*

"Fine. Your right. But HOW?? How do I do that when everything in me screams, 'this is not fair'?"


God had to answer that question for me. You know, when we look at this topic when all things are going well, it's a little easier to think about. When, however, you feel you have given almost all you can give, it's very hard to think about dying more to yourself. (although truly I had not given as much as I could have)

So that evening I prayed. I confessed my unforgiveness, as I have time and time again. I asked God to teach me how to love when it's so hard. To teach me to be more like HIM. I also confessed to God that I cannot force my heart to feel love and trust so I asked for HIM to change my heart for me as He has done on more than one occasion. I prayed something else too when I realized that at the moment there were several people that I was talking to about Christ. Who were drawn to Him (in their words not mine) by the changes in Jake and I, and our family. Our Christ like behavior and that we were different from others they knew(again her words not mine). At the moment I knew that if they could see inside our home they would not see Christ like behavior. They would not be drawn to Him by the anger in our hearts. I knew then I had to pray and ask the Lord to help me fast because there was so much more at stake. My children were noticing our friction, my mom had caught on to some of it, and I did NOT want to badly represent My precious Savior. My King. How could I be so selfish to just think of myself? I continued to pray that God would help my husband and I and that we would represent Him well and walk worthy of the calling in which we have been called.

God answered that prayer. And FAST! Not 45 minutes later, my husband called (he was out of town on business). We hadn't talked, more than necessary in over three days. He sweetly confessed many things. I did as well. we reconciled, talked about things we could do to work through some of our "weeds in our Garden" (the best way I could put it :)

But then my husband asked to pray and prayed the sweetest prayer I think we could pray at the moment. I think its a profound prayer for any hurting marriage, so feel free to pray it for yourselves anytime :)
He said "Lord, forgive me for the things I do and for what I have been, and Father, hold us together when we cannot do it on our own. Amen."

What's so profound? Well, I think big and lofty prayers are great. But I think humble prayers calling out to our heavenly Father are even better! :)

So I was able to meet up later the next day, with the precious woman who is seeking the Lord. She is not a Christian, but desperately desires to know more of Him. I felt like I was able to talk to her to openly and with my whole heart because God had honored prayers and lifted the burden from my heart. She has attended church with us for two weeks. She has asked for a bible and has tons of questions. And her ex-fiance is asking questions as well and has called my husband to set a up a hiking day to talk more about the Lord. Praise be to the Lord GOD! He is so good to use even his beloved hard-hearted children.
My prayer now is that I would be taught more everyday how to Die to myself, and learn to live as Christ, love fully, harbor not anger, but grace and mercy. Let's learn how to Die to ourselves so that the focus can be on His Kingdom not ours.

Do you all feel like your at the very START of the Sanctification process sometimes?

I do. But you know what? I am right where the Lord wants me and THAT my friend feels awesome!

"Thank you Lord for the peace and joy you have given me lately through your Word and your answers to my prayers"