Quickest and strangest update ever.

I sincerely believe you will never read a more insane sounding update from me....at least I hope not.

I don't have time today for details, but they will come soon.  Oh how beautiful are all the details.  But you will understand in a moment why I don't have time.
Currently we are....
~Selling our house in California where we live near all our family and friends
~buying a house in Missouri that we have NEVER seen before
~moving to Missouri
~updating our homestudy
~unpacking
~annnnnd adopting our new baby whom we have recently been matched with

Allll of this will happen in less than two months!!!!!!  The Lord is with us, The Lord is with us (do you hear me chanting?)
Pray for us ;-)

The post I didn't want to write.

Hello sweet friends.  I hopped on the computer tonight for one reason, and one reason only.   That reason was to write the story I never wanted to write.  The story of our "failed adoption".  Although I hate that term.  I prefer to just simply say the truth, and that is that nothing failed.  The birth family decided to keep their sweet baby, and God's painful, but good and perfect will was laid before us.  The reason I need to write this down tonight, even if I really don't want to, is because I need for everyone to hear/read it at the same time.  I have so many (praise God!) loving friends and family members who will all want to know how it all happened, and how we dealt with it, and how we are doing now, 8 days later.  I want them to know.  I just don't want to describe that heart wrenching day over and over and over again.  Kind of like a band-aid, ya know?  I just want to rip it off and be done with it.  But I fear, with the pain being so fresh, that every time someone asks "what happened", I will re-live "what happened" all over again.  So for me, to write this down publicly, and show everyone at the same time, is healing and helpful for me.  I sort of get to talk about it when, and how I want to once everyone knows.  Do you understand?  I hope that you do.  Here goes.

The weeks leading up to the trip:

As I texted and messaged the precious birth momma, over the weeks that I had before the birth, I couldn't help but fall head over heels in love with her.  She was an African American woman living in a state in my country, but in a world all her own.  She was another skin color, another culture, she lived in the deep south, and she was dirt poor, living in a crime infested government owned project.  We were nothing alike.......except....... we both knew Jesus, her more recently than I, and we both loved this baby.  She was already raising her sweet beautiful boys on her own, and for reasons I leave private to her, she was going to choose adoption for this sweet one.  Every time I spoke to her, I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness for her.  Sadness that she was going to have to walk this hard road.  I knew and could read in her texts that she was trying to prepare herself, but that the knowledge of letting go of this baby was breaking her heart.  But she had resolve, and she was determined to follow through with the plan.  The birth father however was less determined and was "willing" to let the adoption take place, but from what I could gather, he was heartbroken as well, and not at all happy about the idea of it.  I could easily understand that.  But the plan was she would deliver by herself at the hospital and that neither, he, or any of her family members would come and see the baby, as they didn't want to see him, then let him go.  Again, I could understand that.  And the birth mother as well, wanted it that way.  She didn't want other peoples attachments to the baby to get in the way of her decision.  She lovingly respected their decision to leave her alone during and after delivery, and encouraged that as the plan.  But my heart BROKE, and I mean broke, that she would do it all alone. About a week before my family and I left for our cross country road trip to go to Georgia to await the arrival of the baby, I had coffee with several of my girlfriends and voiced the fear that was nagging on my heart.  I told them I was a little numb.  Not feeling elated, or worried.  I just......was.  I felt nothing.  Nothing good or bad.  It just felt like waiting.  Like how you feel in an elevator waiting to reach the bottom floor.  I also shared the reason I might have been feeling like that.......I was very concerned she might change her mind.  My thought was that if the birth father showed up to the hospital and hugged that baby, and looked at her and asked her to keep him, I knew that she would.  And I knew she would be fully within her rights, morally, legally, and in all ways.  I wouldn't fault her if she did.  I also felt slightly detached because well, he was thousands of miles away in another woman's womb.  I couldn't feel him kick, or see him on an ultrasound, or even be near him geographically.  I knew my attachment would grow the closer we got to him.  I knew that if I held him in my arms, my heart would swell with love for him.  I knew that if I laid eyes on him, and planted a sweet motherly kiss on his little brow that I would be hooked.  And so I asked my friends to pray that night, that if it was the Lords will that we not keep him, that the Lord would PLEASE prevent us from driving there, and for the love of everything PLEASE don't let me hold him if I couldn't keep him.  That prayer was heard by the Lord, I have no doubt, but He chose to make me walk that path anyhow.  For reason's yet to be seen.

The trip to Georgia:
We left on a Sunday morning just shy of two weeks before her due date.  We had a twelve passenger van loaded down with two parents, three kids, all our luggage and the baby supplies, car seats, and blankets you could need for the first weeks of a babies life.  We were jammed to the brim.  We set off and started to get pretty excited.  My precious daughter was taking videos and pictures to document the trip to later give to baby Malachi (Malachi is what we named him). When we were just two days into what we planned for a 8 day trip, the birth mother let me know that she was in the hospital for pre-term labor and that they were sending her home as she wasn't quite in the "real" labor that they like to see.  We quickly canceled visits with friends and family, and got to Georgia as fast as we could with two children and our little impatient, active, unbelievably adorable, tornado toddler whom we like to call Ethan.  We got to Georgia on a Friday afternoon.  And Malachi was born just a few hours later Saturday morning.

The day of the birth:
Ethan had not been sleeping well the whole trip and had thrown an all out revolt against the pack-n-play (port-a-crib).  So we had been taking turns laying down with him at night in the bed to get him to sleep.  It was the only way he would sleep, even though at home he NEVER slept with us, and never seemed to mind his crib.  The night of the 16th I happened to be the one in the room with Ethan.  I had accidentally brought my phone in the room with me instead of leaving it in the kitchen area (we had an extended stay suite) on the charger.  It was too late now, with Ethan snuggled up next to me, only half asleep.  I just quickly put the phone on silent, so that no text messages woke up Ethan, and dozed off.  I awoke the next morning around 7a.m and took Ethan out to the dining room for breakfast.  I immediately had a thought that said "you better go check your phone".  I ignored it, and moved about my morning.  Then again that thought came, this time much stronger "something is up, GO CHECK YOUR PHONE!".   I literally jumped off the couch and went to the room.  I couldn't believe when it showed three missed calls from the birth mother at 4am.  I KNEW she had given birth.  There was no other reason for her to call at that hour.  I quickly called her back and she let me know he was born sometime after 2am that morning.  I woke Jake up and we got dressed as fast as we could and left for the hospital (my sister had flown in and was there to watch my kids, which was awesome).  We walked into her room and I walked straight over to the bed where she laid. Funny thing, looking back, I didn't look for the baby first.  Just for her.  I laid my hands on her and asked if I could hug her.  She said yes and I did.  Then asked her how she was feeling.  That is when I saw a movement in the corner of my eye.  I turned around and sitting in the room was the birth father holding a little bundle.  She looked at me and said "He just got here a few minutes before you did.  I didn't know he was coming".   The birth father had changed his mind and come after all.  I walked over and said hi to him.  He was breaking and I could tell.  Sure he was holding it together, but he had a death grip on that baby, and fear in his eyes.  But then his demeanor changed and he softened, he had a look of resignation to what he knew was coming, and handed the bundle out to me and said "do you want to hold him?".  I said sure and took Malachi into my arms.  Jake was standing behind me and we both beheld his sweetness.  He was adorable for sure.

I adored him.  But emotionally, and mentally it was hard.  We had an audience of two people.......his parents.  And that made it very hard to cry for joy or bond or open up his swaddle and just take in every part of his precious little newborn self.  So we just held him, took some pictures and made small talk.  After a while, I handed him back to the birth father and we said we would walk out and give them a little time together.  They said that it was OK, and that it wasn't necessary, but we felt like doing it anyhow.  We left for a little while then came back up.  When we came up a hospital social worker was sitting in there with them, asking them questions.  We turned to walk out but the lady said she had some questions for us.  I wont write all this part down, but let me be totally honest and say that this woman, an African American woman, was NOT happy this baby was being adopted out, and was CERTAINLY not happy he was going to a white family.  It was very evident.  She was really hard on us.  The adoption social worker, a totally different one than this hospital worker, that the Birth mother and us were working with even called while I was in there and asked to speak to the hospital social worker (typical protocol) but the hospital social worker refused to speak with her.  Not a good sign. But soon, she kicked us out and wanted to be alone with the Birth mother and father.  When she left 5 minutes later, and we came back in, the BM and BF were beside themselves in tears.  They were sobbing.  It was terrible. We knew the lady had told them things that upset them (later we would find out, just a bit of how awful that lady was to them about the adoption)  Again, when I came in they were kind to me, and they asked me to take the baby in my arms.  I did.  At this point Jake left to go to the hotel to help with Ethan.  I stayed in the room and and BF asked me a few questions, like what was I going to name him, and things like that.  I told him I would send lots and lots of pictures and come visit Georgia when we could.  He cried a lot when I said that, so I just sat quietly.  Before long we were all crying.  All except little Malachi who slept through it all, never once waking the whole time I was there (except for when the nurse came and changed his diaper), staying oblivious the the emotions and decisions surrounding him.  I just wanted to hug them and make it better, but how do you do that when you are the one leaving with their baby?  Hardest. Thing. Ever.  Here was my view for thirty minutes.....BF holding BM as they both wept.(I feel comfortable sharing this as you can see neither of their faces and it is all part of his story).

Finally they both slept while I held Malachi in my arms and rocked him in a rocking chair in the corner of the room.  A while later, maybe an hour, the hospital phone rang.  It was the front desk letting them know that her brother and her oldest son (who was five) were coming up to see them.  I could tell the BM was seeing where this was heading.  She never intended for anyone to get attached, but people who weren't going to come, just kept coming.  Later her mother would come too.  When I knew that all her family was coming up, I put the baby down and let the BM know I would be just downstairs in the cafeteria and to call or text me when they leave and that I would come back up.   She smiled and said OK.  I was in the cafeteria an hour later when I got the text.  As soon as I read the first line I knew.  And I felt the punch in my gut and the wave of nausea.  She had changed her mind.  Well actually her family, namely the BF had changed theirs, and she felt she just had to keep the baby for them,  for their rights to the baby.  I understood.  But I broke.  Right there in that cafeteria, with no one at my side, I wept loudly, uncontrollably and brokenly.  It was awful.  No way around it, it was so dang painful.  I just cried and cried for minutes before I could even call my husband.  I called him and all I could choke out in between sobs was "she's keeping the baby, come get me now".  I stayed and cried for another twenty minutes until my precious husband arrived to pick me up out front.  He held me in the car, and we shared horribly sad, but wonderfully beautiful moments together before we drove off.  He was amazing.  I won't repeat all we said, but one thing he said was "Valerie, we aren't in the business of taking  away children who have families, we are in the business of giving children who need a home a home.  Plain and simple.  He has home.  It's just not us.".  And it was true.  Painfully true. It wasn't us.  I knew God's hand was in it.  I wasn't angry, or confused.  I was just in pain.  I was sad, and I was hurting bad.  The hurt would be worse 20 minutes later when I would sit my precious little girl on my lap and tell her on her twelfth birthday, that her little brother wasn't going to be her little brother.  To watch her heart wrench, and then my precious 9 year old sons' as well, was one of the hardest things ever.  It was just awful.  We all cried as a family, then spoke truth, then prayed.

The aftermath:
My husband decided that since we were only 5 hours from Disneyworld that we would drive to Florida the next day and make a happy memory for the road trip.  Easier said than done.  While we did have a fun time there, we all felt the loss.  But it was a wonderful distraction.  However the distraction ended when we left Florida to drive home.........without a baby.  That was when the grieving began.  It was so hard to drive home. We were all homesick, tired of traveling, and grieving the loss.  When we got home today, we were elated to be home.  But the second we unloaded the baby stuff and saw the nursery, we all started grieving again.  And that is where we are now.  I have talked to the Birth mother once since, and it was a beautiful texting conversation.  She is a beautiful woman, and I love her.  She never meant to hurt us, and it grieves me to hear anyone mad at her for this.  God was in control the whole time, and if he drove us across the country, just to show love to them, then so be it.  We serve Christ, he does not serve us.  Sometimes that means hard things.  And you just got to do them, and walk through them.  He walks with us, for that we are certain.  Although I have never been so sure of my faith in the Lord and of his Sovereign will as I am now, I can still hear and feel the words of the accuser........"God is not good.  Why you?   Why this?  Just go ahead and be angry.....your more used that emotion".  But by the grace of God, and him granting me extra measures of faith, I have been able to withstand those fiery arrows.  I pray it stays that way the entire time I grieve and wait for another match.  Waiting is so hard.  Well, I need to go to bed now.  I pray you will all read this and pray for us, and for the birth family as they raise their four boys.  We will always love Malachi and will pray for him often.....and who knows, maybe one day we will meet him again. We are taking time to be together as a family so if I don't return your calls, or messages back right away, it just means I am healing. 

And then God changed everything....part 2

Click here for Part 1

   So here we were, knowing that God had provided a family for this little guy. We were so very glad for him. We even found out later that he went to the wonderful home of a woman in our Christian homeschooling community.  Oh how God is so good.
   But what was God doing?  Was this just a fluke incident, or was God again moving us in a different direction, the way He did with Ethan's adoption?  We really felt He just wanted us to be open.  Open to anything, and to trust Him for the end result.  While these thoughts were fresh on the mind, I opened my email, not more than a few days after hearing that we were not chosen for the sweet Down's baby in LA, to see another email from the lawyer in LA.  He stated that a colleague of his had called him that morning about a baby in San Diego whose mother had been on Methamphetamines.  He asked if we would like our profile sent to them in San Diego to be considered for that baby, and that he would send the file to them as a courtesy to us with no charge.  I called my husband at work, and read the email to him.  He was having an awful day, and was in a lot of pain (pain that lingers still from his back surgery last year).  He didn't like the wording of the email, and wasn't sure at all what that kind of a drug might do to a baby.  He was frustrated that it sounded like they were acting as if it was a "courtesy" to find a family for a baby.  So he quickly said,"No. Just tell him no. We're doing an older child adoption through the county.  This wasn't in our plans.".  I did as he said.  It broke my heart to write it, but I wasn't going to argue, If he wasn't on board, then I wasn't on board.   I could tell my poor husband was having a really tough day.
   The very next evening, my husband and I were reading at the computer, a horrific story of an abortion, and the lives that it affected.  We sort of thought out loud to one another "what if that woman in San Diego was told 'I can't find anyone to adopt your baby' and she went through with an abortion because she thought she didn't have another option?".  We let the weight of that sink in.  He looked at me and said "write the lawyer back and ask him to please send our profile to the colleague in San Diego.  Maybe he will, maybe he wont, let's just leave it for God to decide.".  I wrote him again and asked him to please send our profile and that we had reconsidered.
   A week went by and we heard nothing.  Nothing back from the Lawyer in LA and nothing from the lawyer in San Diego.  We weren't sure if he even ever sent the profile.  I had to admit, we did sound a little wishy-washy by saying so no so quickly, and then changing our minds soon after.  I finally got up the nerve to write him and ask if he would just let us know if he sent it or not.  He wrote back that same day and said that yes, he had in fact sent it, but that we wouldn't hear anything at all unless we were picked.  So we would now just wait.  If we didn't hear anything soon, we would know that she didn't select us, or possibly even changed her mind about the adoption all together.
   As the days ticked by we kept thinking out loud to one another "What is God doing here?  Why are all these babies being put in front of us to consider?  Babies we weren't really thinking about.  Was he wanting us to do a domestic adoption again?  We just kept thinking of these precious babies, so many of which were in danger any given day to the abortion that ever looms in front of their momma's path.  We know all too well how many people desire the deaths of the ones who aren't "wanted" or those who come at very unfortunate times.  We know how hard Ethan's birth momma struggled against the doctors, and nurses who literally screamed at her to abort Ethan. She was six months along when she found out she was pregnant with him. She saw him on an ultrasound the day she found out.....it was her courage, and more than likely that ultrasound that saved his life. Of course we know that God was ultimately in control, and watching over our precious son.  How she held her ground at that hospital, with all the pressure and verbal abuse she endured with no one at her side to defend her and our little Ethan hidden in her womb, is an absolute miracle.  ahhhh I digress..... where was I?  Oh yes, what was God doing? Or was this just us doing something.  Maybe we were just suckers for hearing about children in need.
   We decided to call our foster to adopt agency and ask more questions about what we could do to speed things along.  We asked  for them to search diligently for some children for us to at least consider, and look at the files.  We sort of wanted them to move things along before we did something crazy ;-)  In the meantime we had been calling social workers about children we were finding on the computer on sites like AdoptUsKids.org or  HeartGalleryof America.org, but either the workers never called us back or when they did the children were already adopted, or had severe issues on our "no-go" list.  But we were looking.
   The next day my husband and I were talking and he said "I wonder if ANLC is doing the African American Fee Reduction Program again?".  ANLC is the same agency we went through with Ethan.  They were amazing to work with, and with our wait with Ethan being only 48 hours after finishing their profile paperwork (2 months total from signing on to getting matched.  But only 48 hours after completing the profile), we were pretty darn satisfied.  Well when Ethan was 5 months old they contacted us about a special program in which you adopt at a greatly reduced price, because they are specifically looking for families for babies who are "hard to match".  These babies at the time were Black/African American babies. They had a large number of African American women who were willing to place their babies, but not enough families on their files willing to adopt non-white babies.  Some were willing to adopt Hispanic, and Asian, but not Black. When we received that email when Ethan was five months old, we honestly considered it, as we had always been open to any race, but finally realized we could not do it with all of Ethan's needs at the time.  He was a VERY needy baby when he was little, and still is in many ways.  Fast forward to this day and my husband wonders if they are having this program available.  I sort of shrugged my shoulders and said "Well they might.  I'm not sure.  Should we call and ask?"  He says yes, and so I call that day.  I was so nervous dialing that number!!!  I just kept thinking "What am I doing?!?!?!?!  We aren't going to do another infant adoption!!", but I kept dialing anyway.  Driven for some odd reason just to find out.  I guess the babies in LA and San Diego had done something to me.  Or maybe I was ovulating at the time, ha! Whatever it was, something was softening both of our hearts to being open to doing another domestic adoption.  I talked to the supervisor and asked about the African American Fee Reduction Program.  They said that they did indeed have the program currently running and were in great need of families willing to adopt these precious babies.  I told her my situation, and that we were currently doing Foster to Adopt, I even told her that I had NO CLUE what I was doing on the phone with her, because we weren't doing another domestic infant adoption :-)   We decided to schedule an informational meeting for a week later exactly.  That would land us on a Tuesday.  We decided together, Jake and I, that if we didn't hear back from the woman in San Diego, or from the Foster to Adopt agency, or from the social workers who we had contacted about children on the websites, then we would consider signing on with ANLC on Tuesday.  And so we waited for Tuesday to come and God to show us what to do.......
Part 3 (the very end I promise!!!) tomorrow!

Homestudies and patience.

Homestudy  :A three-part process required before a child can be placed with a family for foster care or adoption:

 I still cannot believe that the last time I was on here we were starting yet another homestudy journey.  It has been 7 months since then and we ARE STILL WAITING to finish.  This is by far the LONGEST homestudy we have ever done.  Partially it is because we are doing Foster to Adopt, and partially it is due to the fact that we went through a small organization that is a sort of middle man, or go-between if you will, for the County.  We really wanted to avoid dealing too much with the county directly, so this organization has been worth the wait.  They are small and understaffed, hence the extreme length of time it has taken to finish the homestudy.  We are however, nearing the end.  It looks like we will be receiving phone calls and looking at the files of precious children in just a few short weeks.  This will be the hardest part.  Looking and reading files of children after children after children, all who need a home, all who need mommies and daddies, all who need to know the love of Christ.  How do you pick just one?  Or just two?  I guess the answer is you don't.  We are praying so hard (would you join me in this prayer?) that God would make it very obvious whom he has for us.  I know the children that are meant to be with us will be with us, but I also know I might fret just a tad if I loose that focus.  So I pray that before I can fret about which children we are to bring home, that God would say "these are the ones I have for you". 
   After they come into our home, there will be a huge time of adjustment for everyone.  I am sure I don't have to tell you the absolute fear and confusion a child goes through every time they have to transition to a new home and family, both of which they are unfamiliar with.  And we ourselves will have to adjust to the logistics of more children as well as the emotional strain of trying to care for their fragile little hearts.  But this we are assured of; that God will prepare us when we are in need.  I believe with all my heart I am not prepared right at this moment for all that will be required of us as we continue adopting, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God WILL grant us all we need when we need it.  I was not prepared to be a mom at 19 when I was alone and unmarried, but God in his mercy granted me wisdom, and love and devotion every day that I needed it to be her mother.  I was also not prepared for all the challenges of marriage either, but in the mercy that is new every morning I learn how to be a wife to Jake.  I say this to show you that the power to commit ourselves to love and good works does not come from us.  It comes from the Holy Spirit in us.  He calls us to things, and we think "no way!  I am totally not able to do that".  No we are not, but He is!  And He lives in us, and greater is He that is in us, than he that is in the world!
    Everyday that Jake and I feel the joy of knowing, this is what we are meant to do (even with a bit of fear and trepidation in the back of our minds), we also feel a grieving that "the harvest is plentiful but the workers are few".  Where are the workers?  There is so much to do.  And I am not referring only to cause of the Orphan. *Sigh* but this is a topic for another day.
    The Lord is awakening our hearts and minds to the great need around us.  Almost like we are seeing it for the first time.  It is wonderful, exhilarating, terrifying, and almost sad.  Wonderful because we are ready to serve, we are ready to love, we are ready to say YES to our King.  Exhilarating and terrifying because it is a scary thing sometimes to say YES to God and not be in control of what he will ask (can I get an Amen?).   And finally it is sad.  Sad to realize how many years of following Christ we followed him selfishly.  We didn't want to care about the things He cared about.  We didn't want to love the unlovable, or even have more children.  We are also sad to see just how many Christians live exactly the same way, unwilling to stop being pampered and entertained (as we have come to the conclusion that that is how we were/and often still are), and not wanting to step out and do the things that God has prepared for all Christians to do.   Let's remember that our life is a breath, a vapor, and that there is much much much to be done.

While we wait,
Valerie

update.

I am wondering if all my blog posts for the next few months will be entitled "updates"?  It seems I am lacking the time and heart energy to devote myself to blogging temporarily due to the great needs that are surrounding me.  This is good.  Oh so good.  I tend to be a self focused person, so focusing on the needs of others (i.e. training my children, homeschooilng, trying to find a way to take care of the basic human needs of "Sandy") is what God knew I needed.  Sometimes I lack showing any good fruit that the Lord has to trans-plant a bud right there on my branch so all I have to do is watch it grow.

So the update is the birth mom is still being denied so much of what she needs to live even a decent quality of life.  I have been praying for help for her, as I am aware there is only so much I can physically do.  I prayed and God has brought some amazing people in answer to that prayer.  My Mom has been deeply moved and very disturbed and Sandy's way of life.  My mom has now generously decided to pay for a caregiver for Sandy.  That took an ad in Craigslist and days and days of emails, sorting, phone calls, and decisions on who to pick.  We picked a lovely woman who is going to love Sandy and take care of her basic needs.  We are so excited she has someone there looking after her and making meals for her.  Also several precious sister in Christ have bought her other child still living in her home some items for Christmas that I just know she will love.  On top of that my home group has decided to have a huge garage sale in which all proceeds will go to helping Sandy.  I am feeling blessed, so blessed to be able to take part in helping, and YET......there is still so much to be done.  So much hopelessness I feel.  But then I set my mind on Christ and know that he loves her and will provide.  He always does.    There are several other situations that I truly would love to share now, but just cannot until I talk about them with her.  Just be in prayer for our family.  We have a lot of BIG decisions that need to be made.  A lot that depend on God deciding, NOT US.  Until then we are greatly looking forward to the arrival of our precious new son Ethan.  We cannot wait to hold him!  So far he is still alive and we are so very grateful for that.  He is a miracle!

Prayers:
Transportation for Sandy to get to doctors appointments (I cannot lift her and I don't have a wheelchair accessible van)
Decisions for Jake and I involving our family.
Health and safety for my children, myself, my husband, Sandy and Ethan.

until then.

Adopted for Life....and an update :-)

Update first:    "Sandy" (the Birth Mother) is doing better, she had several blood transfusions, and many more other medical complications that happened, and are still happening, but she is alive.  For that I am so very grateful.  I went to visit her a few days ago, and I knew God was calling me to just sit with her and be her friend for a bit.  We talked, but mostly I listened.  God has overwhelmed my soul with compassion for this woman.  I cannot even begin to fathom what it is like to be in her shoes.  To be homebound and in her thirties, is something that is devastating for her.  But the hardest part is her children.  She loves them so.  Several are in different homes because she cannot care for them, all of whom she misses and loves terribly.  Now this precious little Ethan, whom she cannot keep or care for, is breaking her heart.  She tries to hide it and puts on the biggest bravest front.  She says she wont let herself get attached.  She says if she does it will crush her so she convinces herself that she is not attached.   I was with her during her ultrasound and I can tell you......She is already attached.  I know she cannot admit what that would mean for her.  Could I, if it were me?   My heart cries to make her life better.  How?  I ask God this often as of late.  Sometimes He says to go visit her, sometimes he says "buy her a sweater", but mostly He says to "love".   Love.  Love is God and Love transcends all this mess of a world we live in.  Pray for me as I continue to focus on God's love for me and the Grace that has been given to me through Christ, so that out of that, love can flow through me to the precious fertile ground that is this woman's heart.  Pray also, as I have asked from the beginning, for her health and the health of the precious little baby Ethan, my son.  She is truly a "high risk" pregnancy, and it is a miracle of God little Ethan has hung in this long.

Adopted for Life:   I cannot say enough about this book.  It is awesome and truly captures adoption in the light of what God has done for us.  I would love to make this book my first book giveaway!  I have never done one of these before but a precious dear friend of mine is so passionate about adoption that her and her husband have purchased this book in bulk and have given me several copies to give away!  So, leave a comment and I will randomly select a winner and send you out a brand new copy of Adopted for Life!  

Take care of......her?

As I wrote in the previous post, I was being allowed by the birth mother *Sandy*, to join her at her doctors appointment.  The plan was, that Jake and I would meet them ( the birth father would be joining us as well) somewhere for lunch, then we would head out to the doctor appointment, while the birth father went home.   The birth father called us the day before we were supposed to go up there and said that Sandy was not "doing well" and was wondering if we could pick up lunch and bring it to the house instead of going out to eat.  I said absolutely and agreed to meet them out their house (they are roommate's, and not in a relationship with one another).

I can tell you that nothing prepared me for what I would face that day.  So many things, just due to the privacy of the birth mom, I cannot share with you.   The other things I will share with you and how they are affecting me.......for the better.  God always has a lesson in mind when bringing you to challenging things!

First, as I said,  I cannot give all of the details that cause me the most concern, but I can tell you that when I saw her my first thought was "death".  She looked like death.  It was lingering over her and around her, waiting to sink in it's teeth.  Only God is holding it back.  She is in much worse condition than I knew, and I think, more than she knows.  She has MS and is in a wheel chair due to both the MS and her two broken legs, both of which have no function and are healing in non natural positions.  There are other factors contributing to her failing health as well.

 I conversed with her for over and hour, which was a bit hard for her, as she struggles to maintain a good flow of breath while talking.  I cut her food up for her, as she cannot do it herself.  There was so many things that went through my mind during that hour wait to leave for the doctors visit.  One thing was a question that would not go away........"who is taking care of you Sandy?".   I did not say this out loud.  As I know who she "thinks" is taking care of her.  My heart broke for her situation.  Soon came time to leave.  We rolled her outside to our van and my husband lifted her and put her in.  It took much effort, but my husband is strong (she is very thin, but is 6 feet tall and 27 weeks pregnant) and we got her in without too much trouble.

We talked all the way to the hospital about mostly small and unimportant things.  I want to reach across and hug her, yet, I know this is not something she is comfortable with...yet.   So we chit chat as all women who barely know each other do.

 We get in the hospital/medical building and wait at her doctors appointment.  We get called back, and although she welcomes Jake along, he politely declines and says he will wait in the waiting room.  I happily go in with her. The doc comes in, says hi, listen's to the heart beat, says the beat sounds great, says she is due for an ultrasound and can get one today (my heart beats happily at the sound of that) and then he says " Sandy, I would like you to see a Perinatologist.  Just with you having.....other...ummm.... health issues, I think it's best you been seen by a Perinatologist.  We have a great one here at the hospital and they can set you up with an appointment with him.  OK?"  She says "sure OK" and we roll out to the front desk to make the appointment.  The appointment itself lasted a whole 3 minutes.
I am thinking to myself  "Wow, I am really glad they are scheduling her with a specialist for high risk pregnancies, but how is it that this woman can be coming to this doctor monthly, be 27 and a half weeks along, be in this bad of shape and JUST NOW, be being referred to a specialist??   I am no expert, but that seems grossly neglectful.    Oh and it get's worse.

We go to the front and they schedule her with her same OB for the next appointment 1 month from then, and say's to go have a seat while they try and find the Perinatologist's schedule.  We roll back into the waiting room and talk some more.  That's when she opens up a little about why she didn't have an abortion (I don't know exactly how we got on the topic of abortion, but it just came up I think after I said that I thought she was brave).  She said  "Well what was I going do?  I cannot even hold a baby in my arms.  I can't take care of a baby physically.  And I know *Sam* can't either with his MS.  What was I going to do?  Have an abortion?  I wouldn't do that.  I am not a Christian but I know the Bible says not to murder, so I am not going to murder, and that is what abortion is."    All I am thinking during this is "God's word does not return void!!!!!"    His WORD is affecting an unbelieving woman in order to spare the precious life of this sweet son of mine.  God is so good.

They call us back for the ultrasound.  We roll in and are barely able to make the turns in the office with the wheelchair.  What kind of hospital is barely wheelchair accessible?  Moving along.  We get into the room and the nurses look at us, look at her in the wheelchair, and tell us to lift her on to the very high table.  They offer no help whatsoever and I know why......She smells.  She hasn't been bathed in a long time, and no one is washing her clothes.   So my husband lifts her and with my help, we get her up.  I keep asking myself "what would these "nurses" do if we weren't there?  What is it like for her when she goes alone or with Sam, who can barely lift her at all?"

The ultrasound goes along well and we all smile as we see the cutest little black and white image of a face. We see his perfect lips, eyes, nose, head, chin, and beautiful beating heart. We then once again, unassisted by nurses, lift her down into her chair, choking down the vomit that wants to rise due to the smell that is coming off of her clothes.   We then roll her to the front of the office and try again to arrange the appointment with the specialist.  As we come up, the doctor calls us back into his office, which is weird because he said goodbye and everything before and said "see you in 4 weeks".  We go into his office with her and he says "I just got off the phone with my Chairman and we believe it is in your best interest to go elsewhere for your care"  At this point I am slightly agreeing with this man, as I believe they are not really all that concerned about this precious, very sick woman.  He then says he thinks she should go to a hospital 57 miles away.  Which in Southern California is like and hour and a half without traffic and 2 or more with traffic.   She says "well I have no way of getting there.", at which he shakes his head and gives a "well I don't know what to do about this" look.   I look at him and say "well she takes the bus to get here and this is only 2 miles down the road.  I don't think the bus will take her there.  I would drive her but I live and hour and a half away in the other direction, and I can't lift her by myself.  Maybe we can if my husband can get off work, but that would be hit and miss"  I look at her and say "Are you OK with this, I mean, that is really far?".  The doctor then gets up before she can answer and says "well see me in four weeks and we will talk about it some more."   He walks out, we roll out and go again to the front desk to make an appointment with the Perinatologist.  The nurse says, "Oh I thought you were going to another hospital?", we say no, not yet, she hasn't decided.  To which she says "oh....well.....I'll call you if the doctor says you really need to see the perinatologist after all".

I told you it got worse.   I truly am not attacking the character of any of these doctors or nurses, but it was really hard to see her be "swept under the rug" so to speak.  We left and while wheeling her through the parking lot she says that she knows why the chairman want's her gone.  "Do you know who the chairman is?"  I ask.   She answers "Yeah, she is the one who was trying to force me to have an abortion with my last child,(which was years and years ago) and I don't think she likes me because I told her that I would never do it".

Goodness.   *sigh*

So we leave and I ask her to tell me if there is anything she needs before we take her home.  Does she need to mail a letter, run and errand, does she need groceries, is she hungry?  She says, she would love to go to Starbucks and get a Caramel Frappuccino.  We can do that.  So we run to Starbucks and pick it up and drive her home.

We pull into the drive, and she says to hold on because she wants to give me something.  She gives me coupons for food and formula (she is so sweetly and preciously wanting to help take care of her son) and then hands me an old worn infant pajama outfit from her closet.  She says "all my children wore this, and he will need it to keep him warm, you know he is being born in such a cold season".

That's it.  My heart is broken.  I am ruined.  If I ever wondered before at what cost adoption takes place, I know a bit of it now.  We wave goodbye and I cry and process and pray all the way home.  Jake and I come to the conclusion that something needs to change for her.  Someone needs to help her.  Those people are us.  The doctors are letting her slip through the cracks, her caregiver is not giving care, and she is slowly slipping away.   Every person who should have been protecting her has let her down.  I vow then and there that I won't.  But God, why?  Why is it so complicated?  Why do I have to care?  Why does this have to be so heartbreaking, and hard, and........smelly......and .......dirty?

Because Valerie, I didn't just call you to adopt a baby, I called you to care for the least of these.  That command stands......... always.

He whispers truth, and I know what he means.  I must do whatever I can to bring her love, and care and comfort.  With God, I will.

I was wrecked for her that whole night, and all the next day.   I was on the phone all day with transits trying to see if we can find her transportation to the better hospitals.  NONE.  No one will take her that far.  Not one.

The good news:

~God moved so deeply in my moms heart at the plight of *Sandy*, that she has arranged for Sandy to have a personal assistant come in once weekly for 8 hours and clean the house, grocery shop, prepare meals, bathe her, wash her laundry, check on her bed sores, and change the bed linens.   PRAISE JESUS!

~I have decided that I will do what ever is in my power to help her not feel alone.  I called her and asked her permission to go to all her doctor appointments, regardless of how many, and be an advocate for her, fighting for her rights, and making sure no one ignores her or pushes her around.  She happily agreed and that is the plan.  She will be protected by me like a sister.  Not just a "woman having my adopted son"

~My sweet and precious friends here at my church are all praying for her and have decided to have a huge garage sale and give all proceeds directly to Sandy.

~I was so worried about her dying because the doctors were not checking on her adequately, nor understanding the depth of her poor health.  My fear was that she would either die at home soon, or go into labor and not know it (she feels nothing from the ribs down), possibly causing herself and the baby to die. But I received word yesterday  from Sandy that she was in the hospital recovering from a blood transfusion and that she had been there a few days.  I was so scared for her, but rejoicing that they were now being forced to look at her, run tests, and possibly refer her finally to the specialist.  She is still there.

  There are so many things  that this is teaching me.  First, handing over situations that I have no control over and not giving into worry.  My sweet son, is in a situation I do not wish for him.  He is being exposed to several prescription medications and his sweet momma is just so sick and stressed, I am not sure what nutrition if any he is receiving.  But God loves her.  And God lives Ethan.  And God loves me.  His will is perfect.

Be in prayer my sweet friends.  Lift us all up and let God receive Glory!

The Call.

So here's the good stuff.........


Thursday:


On Thursday afternoon I was watering my back yard and picking up dog poo (my life is super glamorous right?) when I heard my cell ring.  I decided not to try and leap through the poo I was picking up in order to run and get it, so I ignored it.  Luckily my daughter answered it.  Next thing I knew, my sister (who was over visiting with me that day) was coming outside with my phone and said "Valerie, someone from Adoption Network is on the phone".  My heart dropped.


"Don't get excited Valerie.  Don't get excited!  It's probably just a "check in" phone call"   That's what I was telling myself as my sister walked towards me with the phone.  Those 6 long steps it took her to get to me seemed like 6 miles.


"Hello, Valerie, this is Martha (name changed for privacy) from Adoption Network, and I think I have a possible match for you"


I was waiting for the surge of adrenalin.  That heart racing type of excitement.  At least a smile to cross my face.  But still I held back.  Held back my heart from this moment.  Not wanting it to be crushed.  


I said "OH, really, well tell me the situation"


She went on to describe a situation that broke my heart.  I cannot reveal too many details about the birth mom's life, but I can tell you several things that stood out to me.  One of them, was that she had five children already.  That's when my mind when on "processing mode".  I KNEW when I heard that, that she would change her mind.  I just knew it.  How can someone with 5 children place their sixth for adoption?  I am not saying that in a judgmental tone, but a tone of compassion.  I knew she was in a tough spot and I completely understood as to why she felt she needed to place this child for adoption.  But in my heart at the time I thought "she is going to make this decision now, but she will take one look at that child and change her mind."


Then the worker for ANLC (adoption network law center) said the second thing that sent my mind reeling, she said both the mother and father have MS.  "crap Valerie, think!!!  what's MS???  what's MS????  It has to do with the nervous system I think.  Is it genetic??  If it is, when will it effect the baby??"


After that the woman says "Oh and she lives in California about an hour and a half from you"


"WOW GOD, your amazing."  That is specifically what I had been praying for.  I knew the odds of getting a child in California were small.  There is 50 states in this country and ANLC works in all of them.  So we knew the odds were that we would probably have to go out of state.   Which of course, I wouldn't mind, given the circumstances!  A baby is a wonderful reason to travel :-)   BUT, we also had heard stories of couples being stuck in states for almost a month after the baby was born due to the varying laws from state to state that regulate the taking of infants across state lines before all paperwork is completed.  4 weeks in a hotel is A LOT of money.  Money we weren't sure we had.  That's a lot of time also for my kids to be away.  Anyhow, one night I just remembered that God says "You have not because you ask not", so I asked Him "Lord, I will be grateful for any child, but if it's possible, can the child be born in California?"  And so He did, as I requested.  He is so good.


So Martha for ANLC finally asked, after giving all the details she could at that time, if we would be willing to accept a child that has the possibility of one day having MS, and also a birth Father who wants visits and letters and pictures.  I told her that my husband and I had already discussed whether or not we would accept a match to a child with disabilities or possible disabilities, and we had firmly come to the conclusion that we would.  I told her that I was pretty certain that we would not turn this opportunity away, but that I had to quickly call my husband who had just landed in North Carolina for a business trip and let him know.  


Still my heart held back a little.


I called my husband.  Poor guy was surrounded by soldiers and could barely hear.  He finally got to a quiet area of the room and I told him all that I knew.  I told him my fears of the mother changing her mind, and my fears of the MS, but that I was 100% on board if he was.  He said "I am absolutely on board.  Remember Valerie, if she changes her mind then that is OK, we did not get into this to take a child, but adopt one who needs to be adopted."   I love that man.


I called Martha back and told her.  She said that she would now present our profile to the couple.  The couple had not even picked us!  Martha did.  I cannot begin to tell you how much I love this woman. We had a wonderful talk after that.  Words I will treasure in my heart.   


She then told me that after she showed our profile to this couple, that they would then approve us or not.  


I had to wait until 9am the next day to find out.


Still my heart held back a little.


Friday:


She called at 9 in the morning saying that they really liked us and would be glad to be matched with us. 


We then scheduled a conference call with my husband in North Carolina for that afternoon so she could give us all the info that she had on the Birth Mother and Birth Father.  We went through that conference call and felt so much more excited after that call.


My heart opened up a bit more each day of that weekend.  


Monday:


We had a phone conference with me and my husband in our room, Martha at her office at ANLC and the Birth Father and Birth Mother at their place.  It was awkward at first, but then turned into one of the most amazing phone calls of my life.  I cannot tell you how many miraculous things that God worked in that phone call.  Needless to say, it went well.  We were really really really worried that when they found out what crazy homeschooling Christians we were, that they would run in the opposite direction.  So even though one is an Atheist and one practices Wicca, AND I gave my testimony over the phone, they still thought they would love to place their precious son in our lives.   Amazing.  
After this phone call I realized that I could let my heart  hope and love this child.  Regardless of what may come.  After talking with her I believe it is unlikely she will keep the child.


The next step will be meeting the couple.  We are driving up to their city on November 8th.  I am super nervous but I know God's hand is in this all.   


Prayer requests:


~That God will use me to show them the love of Christ, without hesitation.
~That the baby survives this very difficult pregnancy, as the mother is very disabled with her MS and wheel chair bound.  She is six and a half months pregnant and still not showing.  But she is receiving medical care.
~That my heart will love fully and accept whatever is to come.
~That Jake and I would be able to qualify and be selected for grants to help us pay off our adoption debts.




More to come soon!!!

It's a.......

Hello beautiful people.  I just wanted to quickly update and say that after only 48 hours after our profile being put online, we were matched!   However, I have to say, that our profile had nothing to do with it.  The agency actually picked us for this couple. But more on that to come in another post.  We are so very happy and excited about this news.  We found out yesterday.  I will write a longer post soon with more details but for now, I can say that God's hand is in this for sure!
Oh and by the way..................it's a ..............BOY!   The babies due date is February 5th :-)

Be in prayer for us as a family, and for our witness to this precious couple.  Pray that we would show them God's love.  Pray for the safety of this precious boy.

What drives us?

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately on the "decision" of adoption. For the past few weeks I have been battling (again) the fears of what may or may not come of all of this. I think to myself..

What if it all falls apart? What if we get matched and the mom changes her mind? What if they call us with a child with severe special needs? Will we walk in faith enough to choose to say YES to that situation? What if...............

But as with all things in my life over the past few months I have been choosing to not set my fears in front of me. What I mean by that is that they may float around in my head, but Christ will not let them settle in my heart. Still there are times where the mind goes a mile and minute, the heart starts to race, then..........

"Let it go Beloved, it was never your decision to begin with. It was mine. Give your burden to me"

Such sweet comforts our God whispers, does He not? And so again I let it go. Yet with all this thinking, heartache, money, worry, time, and waiting, I can't help but ask "What is driving us to do this?"

I know we have been asked on more than one occasion "Oh your adopting? Well that will be nice to have a baby in the house again. Three is really a nice number of children"

I can tell you right now definitively that "having a baby in the house" or having "three" children as opposed to our two, is NOT, I repeat NOT motivation enough for Jake and I to adopt. Don't get me wrong, adoption is precious, but Jake and I would have given up a long time ago if our motivation was as simple as that. No, lately as I wait, I know more than ever what drives us.

HIM.

He is the creator of all things, lover of all things, and protector of the helpless. What is more helpless than humans? What human is more helpless than a child?

It is His love that works itself in our hearts through His spirit to move us ever closer in this direction. I recently had the amazing privilege of hearing Katie Davis founder of Amazima ministries speak at a local church. She said something in a video they played before she came out to speak that has really stuck with me.  She said that sometimes people tell her how lucky she is to know Gods plan for her life at such a young age. She said something along the lines of "Well I'm not "lucky". God's plan for everyone is in the Bible. It says in the Bible to love your neighbor as yourself. Well myself doesn't like to starve, so therefore I shouldn't want others to starve".   Katie does more than help the starving people of Uganda. At 21 years of age she has also adopted 14 precious little girls that she is raising by herself.

I feel like that about adoption. My flesh wants to turn away from this whole process sometimes. I want to run back to our easy life of two independent older children. But my Spirit cries louder than my flesh. It cries out to nurture and care for those who have no family. Katie makes such an excellent point. If I am to love my neighbor as myself, well anyone who knows me knows that I hate to be lonely. Do I ever want any child to be without a family when I could be their family?

This is what drives us. When we are in the Word and in prayer, we know His will for our lives is to always live sacrificially. Something I know I have not lived. But I pray Christ will forgive me and help mold me into a person who lives for His glory and lives for my neighbor. Every time I want to give in to fear and quit on this whole process, the Spirit urges on softly...
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." I want to care for the Orphan because He does.
  I was once an Orphan as well.   Yes, I had a Mother and Father, but I was as lost as an orphan could be. Then He came. Adopted me as his child, and my life has never been the same. I love how it is put in John 14:18 as Jesus is speaking to His Disciples "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."

Praise God he has come for us!  Let us then press forward and come for those who are also in need.

Living with health issues.

(photo credit)


I have so many blog posts that I have been wanting to write lately. It's kinda driving me crazy that I can't get on the computer more to get them out of my head and on to bloggy world. But every day I say "when I am done with this task I will hop on that computer and get that post written!" And yet, that task leads to another which leads to another which leads.....you guessed it...... to another! :-) But I am NOT complaining. I am joyous, and I will explain way. You see, I am blown away that I am even able to get "tasks" done. There was time, not very long ago, where I was lucky to get my self going each day, and was barely achieving my small goals of keeping the basics running. This was my life for a few years, but increasingly more so over the last 18 months. I will tell you in a moment how God is bringing healing into my life, in more ways than one. But first, I want to go into what it's like to deal with health issues, and to doubt God's goodness in the midst of it.

For the longest time I didn't know what was going on with me. I was noticing differences in my health, but was seeing it as several UN-related symptoms. As many of you know, over 3 years ago, my husband and I felt convicted, compelled, and convinced that we should leave the conceiving of children in His capable hands. We had the Vasectomy reversed and awaited the inevitable pregnancy. It never came. As we went through the first two years we assumed the vasectomy had failed. I became consumed with sadness. I so wanted to have new life in my womb, but none came. We finally went to the doctors to have the semen analysis done. The results......The reversal had worked.

"hmmmmmmm........ This is odd", I thought to myself. I was pretty sure I had two children without any sort of medical help already. How could it be me?? So the tests began. Nothing invasive really. An ultrasound, some blood tests, a dye test. That's when I was diagnosed with PCOS. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I couldn't have more misunderstood this diagnosis. I was assured by the doctor that this was a minor thing. That likely one day with some medical intervention we would be able to conceive.

Wait, what was that word? "Medical Intervention"? Oh no. We had sort of handed that area of control over to God. Does it go both ways???? Do we let Him decide How many more and also IF we have more?

I talked to my husband that night. He assured me that for him, it did go both ways. We accept it if he gives us "too many" (as we sometimes feared in the beginning) and we accept it if he gives us no more at all.

I can't say that I fully agreed at the time, but I submitted.

I now had a "diagnosis", but still, nothing made sense. My diagnosis was just.....well....a diagnosis. What was that going to do for me? It didn't tell me WHAT was wrong with me. It didn't tell me what I could do about it either. Getting a PCOS diagnosis was like getting told "we're not quite sure what's wrong with you, what caused it, or how bad it will get. We only now it's not good, and it will get progressively worse with age." yay :-/

Over the next year and a half I would gain 50 pounds, have my face wrinkle, grow facial hair, be tired every single day, crave sugar like a heroin addict, have mood swings, experience blood sugar spikes and severe drops, have heart palpitations every morning when I rise, hot flashes, night sweats, have my face cover itself in brown spots, headaches, joint pain, night time swelling of my arms and hands, and truly the list could go on. I think though I have communicated that overall, I did not feel well. I was stripped of my youthful energy, and my beauty. I am not even sure if I ever thought of myself as beautiful, but regardless of what I thought of myself before, I sure knew that I wasn't beautiful any longer. Dealing with the complete lack of energy was one of the harder symptoms. It was a torturous feeling to watch everything that needed to be done just sit there and not get done, knowing it would be waiting for me tomorrow. Only tomorrow, I wouldn't feel any different that today.
I watched my kids worry about me, and even become lazy for lack of direction and encouragment because I was just too tired or in too much pain to care. I received lectures and judgmental stares from family members and even my husband. I don't blame them really, for none of us really knew what was wrong with me. It's not like they could say "Oh poor Val, she has____(fill in blank with dreaded disease)__ " They would just look at me and say "Val you have to get this stuff done, your house is falling apart the kids are falling behind in school". You just need to pick yourself up by the boot straps and march on. It broke my heart.

For the first time in years my infertility, which had been at the forefront of my thoughts, now took the back seat.

What was wrong with me, I am only in my twenties???I would scream this at first at myself. In my head. Then after of months of praying for healing, I began to yell that at God. I was careful not to let anyone see that pain. I would try and smile around others and wait until I was alone in the shower or driving by myself to the store and then I would unleash it. My own painful dialog would go something like this....

"God, you can heal me, why don't you!!!????"

"Dang it. I'm sorry Lord, that was uncalled for. Maybe I am having another hormonal mood swing. I think I have been getting a lot of those lately."

"Wait a second, you caused me to be this way! If you didn't want me to feel sad and angry and out of control, why did you do this to me?"

"Dang it. I'm sorry again"

"I am just so angry God! Why were you not content to take away my ability to have children? Why did you take my health, my vitality, and by beauty as well??"


All I can tell you is that during those dark months I received a lot of interesting stares from fellow drivers on the road. I can't tell you how many times I have cried and yelled in my car only to look over at a red light and wish really really really badly that I had tinted windows.


Eventually I handed over the infertility. I gave it to God, and asked forgiveness for ever giving it such a high place in my life. I still asked that he would return my fertility one day to what it used to be, but I was content to leave God in control. I even, slow as it was, was brought to the point where I had to become content with my poor health (not to mention saggy boobs and growing mid-section).
I knew if I let this anger consume me I would loose my faith. I would loose everything. I knew my faith was weak, and small, but I still had faith. I knew God was in control, I knew God sent His Son for me. I knew he had forgiven me so much. I knew I was truly blessed. I knew I had no right to be angry at God.

But still I doubted his character and goodness.

I stayed in the word daily but nothing touched my heart as it had before. I kept praying but instead of my prayers drifting to Heaven like incense, they stopped at the ceiling. It had to change.

Slowly but determinedly, I turned my heart back towards God (or maybe HE turned my heart back towards Him). I acknowledged my sin before him, repented, and once again accepted His FULL and gracious forgiveness.
That was the best thing to happen to me in a long long time.

I am now on the road to healing. In more ways than one. First I began to focus my heart on Christ and heavenly things, not on earthly temporal things. Then I began to learn my habits of "blame when pained"(as I like to call it), I prayed often for God's help in the process and still do. Following my change in my relationship with God, I began to seek out better medical help and better answers.

I now understand so much more about my body than I ever thought that I would. After 6 doctors I now see a very knowledgeable doctor who is an MD but also has her degree and licensing in Naturopathy. She has reviewed all my blood tests, and all my samples, and all my symptoms and is helping me find out what exactly is going wrong and what I can do to treat it. It was great to have a doctor spend more than 7 minutes with me and also know what the tests mean.
For one, I have severe hormonal imbalances. When I say severe I mean very very bad. I am also insulin resistant (caused by the hormonal imbalance), have adrenal fatigue, and my thyroid is not working properly.

So here are some things I am doing to help my health,
I am taking natural (not synthetic) Hormone replacements
I am taking a natural Thyroid
I am taking Vitamin D (which I am also severely deficient in)
I drink water first thing in the morning every morning with lemon in it (helps the liver, which in turn helps the Adrenal gland)
I am taking 4 capsules of good quality Fish oil (helps the hormones and thyroid)
I am walking daily
I am not eating refined sugar and have severely limited any other sugars like honey.


Since being on the natural hormone replacements, and vitamins, I have stopped gaining weight for the first time in a year and a half. In addition to not gaining weight I have also lost 5 pounds. The biggest difference I have noticed is my energy. It is amazing to have energy again! I still have a few days here and there where my energy wipes out but it usually only lasts an hour whereas before it would last for 4 hours or more. I just feel overall so much better. The swelling at night has also gone down, my hot flashes are few and far between and I am becoming so much more productive. It has been so great. I can't tell you what a treat it is to get up and have a 1000 things to do and know I just might be able to get them done, or at least try!
Most importantly, by the Grace of God, I am learning to lean on and Trust Him in all things. I am breaking bad habits daily and tearing down walls of doubt.

What I have learned through all this will carry with me for a long time. Top three...
1)Never take for granted your health or fertility. It is NOT guaranteed to always be there, so be grateful while you do have it.
2)God is good. All the time. When we view Him as anything else every trial is a double trial. It is too hard to go through a trial and doubt His goodness at the same time. Nor is it right.
3)There are seasons in life. There is a time for everything under the sun. Yes some things last a lifetime. But a lot of the time if you hold fast with perseverance and patience the reward is great when the trial is over. I wish to God I had persevered with patience and faith. I did not. I still have wounds from those dark times and very bad habits that the Lord is still weeding out of me due to my lack of patience and lack of trust in Him.

I realize that I have once again been very honest in my blog post. And that lends me open to some criticism I am sure. I realize I was vain to complain about beauty, I realize I should have been glad that it was me and not my children suffering (as that would have been much much worse) , I realize a lot of things. But I also know that some people are going through things similar and they need to know that God is faithful. And they also need to know that they are not alone, and that they are not the only ones who think those thoughts and who doubt. I want to offer encouragement through my honesty and also stand as a monument that screams "Do not waste you time blaming God! Turn to him for love and comfort and you will be comforted! Do not give in to anger, it will poison your life."

If anyone would like to talk to me personally about any of this, or just need a listening ear for anything you are going through. I am here. Just email me at sgtswife03@yahoo.com.

updates, updates, updates.

I find it odd and sort of funny that I am in a stage in life that things are changing so much that I am constantly having to update friends and family on the craziness that we call "our life". But I love it anyhow. Apparently God must think I don't like things to be predictable (or he knows I do and likes to throw me for a loop....one of the two ;-) Tonight I will focus the update on the adoption. Later, when I get back from Northern California, I will update the rest of our crazy life and then would love to go back to some topical blogging, The adoption is moving forward, but in a new direction. We received our finalized copy of our Home Study in the mail today ~yay~ and have thus far completed everything needed to move forward in this process. However there is one thing standing in our way. That one thing happens to be very very large. Yup, it's the country of Korea itself. We believe completely that they are shutting down the international adoption program. And rightfully so. They are not a third world county, and have reached the point where they can sustain their own adoptions domestically. They have been talking about this for a few years I guess, but we only knew about it a month after we signed on to adopt from there. Our agency did not tell us anything about it. At all. Not a word. You get my drift. We would soon find out however how truly serious this was. Phone calls to the agency brought no news, they said only "Korea has been threatening this for years, it's not really anything to be concerned about." I believed them.....at first. Now we are getting email updates weekly, about what other families (who are much farther along in the process) are going through. Huge delays (some delays are always to be expected in the adoption process but these were massive), and threats to shut down the whole program. There is much much more to it than that, some of which we are not privileged to discuss, but after much consideration we have decided it is not in anyone's best interest to invest 2 more years, thousands of dollars, and our hearts, to a program that will more than likely shut down right before we are able to actually finalize an adoption from there. We then looked into other countries that our agency offers, and for one reason or another we are not able to do the few they have to offer (several countries are going Hague at the moment and others are having in country turmoil and therefore are temporarily suspended). So we started calling around to other agencies who offered different countries to see if we could switch over to them. I called 6 agencies and every one of them told me that although our home study was just completed, is fully accredited, and legal for use, they would not take our home study as it is their policy to do "their own home studies". As I was calling around and hearing this heartbreaking news, knowing we could not afford to pay for another homestudy only 2 months after paying for the recent one, my heart sank. Then I remembered seeing this adoption agency as I drove down the freeway to see my doctor. I thought for a moment and remembered the name listed on the building. I googled them, gave them a call and asked, without expecting a "yes", if they would take my home study. They asked if it was accredited, I said yes, and they said YES! I told them how wonderful that was and how happy I was to hear that. I then asked "What country programs do you offer for adoptions?". She said "Oh, we don't do international, only domestic." My heart sunk. We had never even considered domestic adoption, and I wasn't sure I was ready to consider it now. I got to talking to the kind lady though and we ended up talking for an hour. I let her know the situation with Korea, our situation with not qualifying for several countries due to age, or travel time or several other reasons. She asked me to come by a week later to come talk about the domestic adoption process and see if I really understood it. I agreed, talked it over with my husband, and went to the meeting a few days ago. We had TONS of questions and they answered them all honestly and openly. We discovered a lot of things we thought wrongly about domestic adoption. For one, we believed that domestic adoption in America was for the rich. Why we thought this, I have no idea. It will end up costing around 10-15 thousand dollars LESS than our Korean adoption would have cost. Secondly, knowing adoption is about so much more than money, we wanted to ask if there was really even a need for us. We had always heard that there was like a 7 year wait list for a baby in America. We assumed that there were all these people who could not have children and only wanted a baby, and wanted one .....well.....primarily white. And since my husband and I were open to children up to 5 and were completely comfortable with children of all the beautiful skin shades of this world, we thought the obvious, and only choice was to do international adoption. The lady informed me that although there are a lot of people wanting to adopt in America, most of them want a healthy, Caucasian newborn, born to a mother with a good medical history. She informed us that there were very few couples who crossed their desks open to children of all races, and of backgrounds with some unknowns. We filled out a questionnaire that asked questions about the baby you would like to adopt. Questions like "what race are you open to?", "would you be willing to adopt a child that is the result of rape?", "do you want a boy or a girl?" . When we answered that we were open to a child of any race, either a boy or girl, and that we were not all that concerned about a child's mothers background, the lady almost teared up. I could not believe her reaction. My thoughts were "How many people are seriously not open to these things??". She answered my unspoken thought the next moment. She said that these were the kind of questionnaires they frame in their office. Jake and I looked at each other thinking "your kidding, right?" We are no hero. We are not even good most of the time. We are selfish, lazy sinners being transformed daily by the power of God and relying on HIS grace to get through each day without falling back into old patterns of sin. BUT, we know the value of a child. That value is not changed by circumstance, color, gender, or abilities. Sooo we told her we were interested and talked about how to start. Here's the crazy part. After we talked about which things to do to get this thing rolling she then said "Normally I ask my clients to get in this paperwork as soon as possible. The sooner your paper work gets on file and your profile gets put out there, the sooner you get matched. BUT since you guys are open to so many variables I would say to hold onto your paperwork until you are absolutely ready to bring home a baby." She said we could be matched within days of posting a profile. W O W. So here we are. Doing a domestic adoption. I never would have thought. Now having said all that, our hopes for helping the least of these are not ending with this adoption. There are so many children in countries sitting in orphanages waiting, that we could not leave it at this. Even though all plans made by man are subject to change, our goal is to adopt a precious baby domestically in America now. Then by the time that child is around 1, my husband and I will BOTH be 30 and will have been married 10 years (two setbacks that work against us with several countries). We hope to then continue our heart for adoption internationally. We should then qualify for several more countries. There's your update. Who would have thought I was going to write a book tonight? sheesh! Other updates to follow soon. Until then, we are off to Northern California for our second vacation in almost 10 years of marriage! We are excited and ready for this break :-)

Sigh.

I am sighing right now. I think I have been doing that a lot lately. When I just don't know what to say or think or do, I just let out one big heave of a sigh. In case you don't know what a good sigh is, it's where you exhale emotion. That's my way of thinking about it at least. What does "sighing" have to do with our adoption? Well, it's the only way I can really express how I feel about being rejected as a family for the little guy we were hoping to adopt. The sigh that has been escaping my lips these past few days (along with quite a few tears) says in it's own way "OK Lord. I know you know what your doing. But it hurts anyhow."

I have been thinking a lot lately about how "challenging" things have been lately. I am fully aware that the things I am going through pale in comparison to true suffering. But we all live different lives, and to me, in my own little world, these past 2 years have been difficult.

It seems as though everything that we have done or tried to do has come with great difficulty or trial. I just want to cry out as my old spoiled self used to, "Just make something go right already!"

The ways of God are not man's ways. They certainly are not my ways. I wish often that God would make things different. That He would heal me, that He would heal our marriage, that He would grant me my fertility back. So many things are troublesome, and yet, I know He remains there. He not only remains, but He remains with a plan.

I have no clue what his plan is. I haven't the foggiest idea of why he is allowing the things he is allowing, and in the order he is allowing them. BUT, even with faith as weak as mine is (and it is weak my friends, If I can be honest with you), I CLING to his promises. It is clinging to those promises even as I cry "help my unbelief", that keeps me.

Jesus keeps. That is a phrase that has been stuck in my mind and heart lately. He keeps me from running away from him when I am tempted to rebel. He keeps me from loosing my faith altogether, when thing after thing tests and challenges my faith. He keeps me from relapsing into a life of sin, when I know that apart from his Holy Spirit holding me in check I would run back to the pig pen I once called a life.

Jesus also keeps my marriage. He keeps us together, He keeps us from giving up, and He keeps us from hate. We have wanted to do all those things. We have rebelled, hurt, and fought against this marriage. But by the GRACE of our God and the working power of his Holy Spirit, we have also forgiven, surrendered, loved, and triumphed over evil.

It is my prayer now, as it has been over these difficult past few years, that God will keep me. Keep me safe in his love and in his power.


Now onto the adoption update.....

As I mentioned before, we were told Thursday that we were not selected for the child we had applied to adopt. It was only us and one other family that they had to choose between. And although I knew that Gods will would be done in it, and prayed that I would accept the result, it was still very hard. It felt like a rejection. Not just from my adoption agency and the people in the committee, but also from God. Knowing that was not true, it only took a few hours to get my heart and emotions into alignment with the truth. Perspective is everything. Once my heart got into the right realization that this was not personal, but God's will, it became so much easier to bear. We are now just going to wait. Wait and see if this will all work out, or not. If it does, we should be matched with another child in less than 6 months. Until then I will keep you updated on everything we hear and know.


Prayer.


As you read in the beginning of this post, and frankly in the beginning of a lot of posts over the last 2 years, I am weak. For the longest time I saw this as terribly wrong. I thought, and still sometimes do, that God wants us to walk in victory, strength and great Faith all the days of our Christian life. I figured I would have bumps and bruises and hard times along the way, but I knew I could get through anything with my Faith in my precious Father. Yet somewhere along the way my faith became weak, and harder to see and feel. What do you do when your faith isn't all that strong? When you feel defeated from the moment you wake up? When you foresee more things going wrong, rather than rejoicing in the knowledge that God will work all things together?
My answer is the only thing I have lately, and that is to CLING with all your might to His promises. He will never leave, He will never forsake. He sees your heart, your sin, your thoughts, and your weak faith, and He accepts you anyway. This is where I am at. Some people wake up (and I have been there too) saying "Lord what do you want me to do today? I want to serve you Lord and be mighty in your kingdom!". I think that is a wonderful place to be. I miss being there.
But I wake up saying "Lord hold me together and keep me". And I think that being here is OK too. If God has a purpose in all this, and I know he does, then let His will be done, in and through this.

Staying focused.

In the midst of personal stress, be it emotional, spiritual, marital, or health (and in some cases many of these at the same time), how do you stay focused?

Lately I have felt the Lord prompt my heart to stay focused on Him, Him alone, and The blessings He has given me.

I started to realize that in times like these, I needed to have on blinders to the distractions or even just distracting thoughts in my life. I needed to see Him and focus on that. So I did.

When thoughts came asking "Am I good enough wife?"

I focused on the fact that God knows all things about me and loves me as His beloved daughter anyway.

When thoughts came asking "Am I good enough mother?"

I focused on the fact the God knows all things about me and loves me as His beloved daughter anyway.

When thoughts came asking "Will I be everything the child we adopt needs?"

I focused on the fact the God knows all things about me and loves me as His beloved daughter anyway.

When thoughts came asking "Will my health continue to deteriorate and rob me of vitality and youth?"

I focused on the fact that God is good and has his plans all worked out.

When thoughts came asking "Do Jake and I have a strong enough marriage to make it through?"

I focused on the fact that God is good and has his plans all worked out.

You see where I am going with this right?

It sounds silly at first. Like I'm repeating phrases to "change" something. But it wasn't like that at all. It was taking my eyes off the world and placing them on things above! (Col 3:10)

It worked too. :-)

So my advice when your heart and head seem to be at war with you.....
Look at what God has blessed you with and Thank HIM.



Work on something that keeps your hands busy.



And most importantly BREATH HIM IN, and rest in His promises.