Take care of......her?

As I wrote in the previous post, I was being allowed by the birth mother *Sandy*, to join her at her doctors appointment.  The plan was, that Jake and I would meet them ( the birth father would be joining us as well) somewhere for lunch, then we would head out to the doctor appointment, while the birth father went home.   The birth father called us the day before we were supposed to go up there and said that Sandy was not "doing well" and was wondering if we could pick up lunch and bring it to the house instead of going out to eat.  I said absolutely and agreed to meet them out their house (they are roommate's, and not in a relationship with one another).

I can tell you that nothing prepared me for what I would face that day.  So many things, just due to the privacy of the birth mom, I cannot share with you.   The other things I will share with you and how they are affecting me.......for the better.  God always has a lesson in mind when bringing you to challenging things!

First, as I said,  I cannot give all of the details that cause me the most concern, but I can tell you that when I saw her my first thought was "death".  She looked like death.  It was lingering over her and around her, waiting to sink in it's teeth.  Only God is holding it back.  She is in much worse condition than I knew, and I think, more than she knows.  She has MS and is in a wheel chair due to both the MS and her two broken legs, both of which have no function and are healing in non natural positions.  There are other factors contributing to her failing health as well.

 I conversed with her for over and hour, which was a bit hard for her, as she struggles to maintain a good flow of breath while talking.  I cut her food up for her, as she cannot do it herself.  There was so many things that went through my mind during that hour wait to leave for the doctors visit.  One thing was a question that would not go away........"who is taking care of you Sandy?".   I did not say this out loud.  As I know who she "thinks" is taking care of her.  My heart broke for her situation.  Soon came time to leave.  We rolled her outside to our van and my husband lifted her and put her in.  It took much effort, but my husband is strong (she is very thin, but is 6 feet tall and 27 weeks pregnant) and we got her in without too much trouble.

We talked all the way to the hospital about mostly small and unimportant things.  I want to reach across and hug her, yet, I know this is not something she is comfortable with...yet.   So we chit chat as all women who barely know each other do.

 We get in the hospital/medical building and wait at her doctors appointment.  We get called back, and although she welcomes Jake along, he politely declines and says he will wait in the waiting room.  I happily go in with her. The doc comes in, says hi, listen's to the heart beat, says the beat sounds great, says she is due for an ultrasound and can get one today (my heart beats happily at the sound of that) and then he says " Sandy, I would like you to see a Perinatologist.  Just with you having.....other...ummm.... health issues, I think it's best you been seen by a Perinatologist.  We have a great one here at the hospital and they can set you up with an appointment with him.  OK?"  She says "sure OK" and we roll out to the front desk to make the appointment.  The appointment itself lasted a whole 3 minutes.
I am thinking to myself  "Wow, I am really glad they are scheduling her with a specialist for high risk pregnancies, but how is it that this woman can be coming to this doctor monthly, be 27 and a half weeks along, be in this bad of shape and JUST NOW, be being referred to a specialist??   I am no expert, but that seems grossly neglectful.    Oh and it get's worse.

We go to the front and they schedule her with her same OB for the next appointment 1 month from then, and say's to go have a seat while they try and find the Perinatologist's schedule.  We roll back into the waiting room and talk some more.  That's when she opens up a little about why she didn't have an abortion (I don't know exactly how we got on the topic of abortion, but it just came up I think after I said that I thought she was brave).  She said  "Well what was I going do?  I cannot even hold a baby in my arms.  I can't take care of a baby physically.  And I know *Sam* can't either with his MS.  What was I going to do?  Have an abortion?  I wouldn't do that.  I am not a Christian but I know the Bible says not to murder, so I am not going to murder, and that is what abortion is."    All I am thinking during this is "God's word does not return void!!!!!"    His WORD is affecting an unbelieving woman in order to spare the precious life of this sweet son of mine.  God is so good.

They call us back for the ultrasound.  We roll in and are barely able to make the turns in the office with the wheelchair.  What kind of hospital is barely wheelchair accessible?  Moving along.  We get into the room and the nurses look at us, look at her in the wheelchair, and tell us to lift her on to the very high table.  They offer no help whatsoever and I know why......She smells.  She hasn't been bathed in a long time, and no one is washing her clothes.   So my husband lifts her and with my help, we get her up.  I keep asking myself "what would these "nurses" do if we weren't there?  What is it like for her when she goes alone or with Sam, who can barely lift her at all?"

The ultrasound goes along well and we all smile as we see the cutest little black and white image of a face. We see his perfect lips, eyes, nose, head, chin, and beautiful beating heart. We then once again, unassisted by nurses, lift her down into her chair, choking down the vomit that wants to rise due to the smell that is coming off of her clothes.   We then roll her to the front of the office and try again to arrange the appointment with the specialist.  As we come up, the doctor calls us back into his office, which is weird because he said goodbye and everything before and said "see you in 4 weeks".  We go into his office with her and he says "I just got off the phone with my Chairman and we believe it is in your best interest to go elsewhere for your care"  At this point I am slightly agreeing with this man, as I believe they are not really all that concerned about this precious, very sick woman.  He then says he thinks she should go to a hospital 57 miles away.  Which in Southern California is like and hour and a half without traffic and 2 or more with traffic.   She says "well I have no way of getting there.", at which he shakes his head and gives a "well I don't know what to do about this" look.   I look at him and say "well she takes the bus to get here and this is only 2 miles down the road.  I don't think the bus will take her there.  I would drive her but I live and hour and a half away in the other direction, and I can't lift her by myself.  Maybe we can if my husband can get off work, but that would be hit and miss"  I look at her and say "Are you OK with this, I mean, that is really far?".  The doctor then gets up before she can answer and says "well see me in four weeks and we will talk about it some more."   He walks out, we roll out and go again to the front desk to make an appointment with the Perinatologist.  The nurse says, "Oh I thought you were going to another hospital?", we say no, not yet, she hasn't decided.  To which she says "oh....well.....I'll call you if the doctor says you really need to see the perinatologist after all".

I told you it got worse.   I truly am not attacking the character of any of these doctors or nurses, but it was really hard to see her be "swept under the rug" so to speak.  We left and while wheeling her through the parking lot she says that she knows why the chairman want's her gone.  "Do you know who the chairman is?"  I ask.   She answers "Yeah, she is the one who was trying to force me to have an abortion with my last child,(which was years and years ago) and I don't think she likes me because I told her that I would never do it".

Goodness.   *sigh*

So we leave and I ask her to tell me if there is anything she needs before we take her home.  Does she need to mail a letter, run and errand, does she need groceries, is she hungry?  She says, she would love to go to Starbucks and get a Caramel Frappuccino.  We can do that.  So we run to Starbucks and pick it up and drive her home.

We pull into the drive, and she says to hold on because she wants to give me something.  She gives me coupons for food and formula (she is so sweetly and preciously wanting to help take care of her son) and then hands me an old worn infant pajama outfit from her closet.  She says "all my children wore this, and he will need it to keep him warm, you know he is being born in such a cold season".

That's it.  My heart is broken.  I am ruined.  If I ever wondered before at what cost adoption takes place, I know a bit of it now.  We wave goodbye and I cry and process and pray all the way home.  Jake and I come to the conclusion that something needs to change for her.  Someone needs to help her.  Those people are us.  The doctors are letting her slip through the cracks, her caregiver is not giving care, and she is slowly slipping away.   Every person who should have been protecting her has let her down.  I vow then and there that I won't.  But God, why?  Why is it so complicated?  Why do I have to care?  Why does this have to be so heartbreaking, and hard, and........smelly......and .......dirty?

Because Valerie, I didn't just call you to adopt a baby, I called you to care for the least of these.  That command stands......... always.

He whispers truth, and I know what he means.  I must do whatever I can to bring her love, and care and comfort.  With God, I will.

I was wrecked for her that whole night, and all the next day.   I was on the phone all day with transits trying to see if we can find her transportation to the better hospitals.  NONE.  No one will take her that far.  Not one.

The good news:

~God moved so deeply in my moms heart at the plight of *Sandy*, that she has arranged for Sandy to have a personal assistant come in once weekly for 8 hours and clean the house, grocery shop, prepare meals, bathe her, wash her laundry, check on her bed sores, and change the bed linens.   PRAISE JESUS!

~I have decided that I will do what ever is in my power to help her not feel alone.  I called her and asked her permission to go to all her doctor appointments, regardless of how many, and be an advocate for her, fighting for her rights, and making sure no one ignores her or pushes her around.  She happily agreed and that is the plan.  She will be protected by me like a sister.  Not just a "woman having my adopted son"

~My sweet and precious friends here at my church are all praying for her and have decided to have a huge garage sale and give all proceeds directly to Sandy.

~I was so worried about her dying because the doctors were not checking on her adequately, nor understanding the depth of her poor health.  My fear was that she would either die at home soon, or go into labor and not know it (she feels nothing from the ribs down), possibly causing herself and the baby to die. But I received word yesterday  from Sandy that she was in the hospital recovering from a blood transfusion and that she had been there a few days.  I was so scared for her, but rejoicing that they were now being forced to look at her, run tests, and possibly refer her finally to the specialist.  She is still there.

  There are so many things  that this is teaching me.  First, handing over situations that I have no control over and not giving into worry.  My sweet son, is in a situation I do not wish for him.  He is being exposed to several prescription medications and his sweet momma is just so sick and stressed, I am not sure what nutrition if any he is receiving.  But God loves her.  And God lives Ethan.  And God loves me.  His will is perfect.

Be in prayer my sweet friends.  Lift us all up and let God receive Glory!