And then God changed everything....part 3

Part 1
Part 2

So as we waited for Tuesday to arrive, we continued to wait on news from the foster to adopt agency, or from the Lawyer in San Diego.  Neither came by Tuesday morning, so we brought our homestudy, our paperwork, and our check to the Adoption Agency to proceed with this new plan.  We went in, had our meeting, asked some questions, thought a bit more, and dove in.  Then the woman doing the meeting, whom we had not met before in our meetings there with precious adoption of Ethan's, asked who our worker was who matched us with Ethan.  We told her and she said "Oh, she's here, do you want to meet her?"  We said "Of Course!".  A few minutes later the precious woman, *Susan, came in the room.  I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her, and the memories of all our phone calls and prayers over the phone came flooding back to me.  She was such an encouragement to me with Ethan's crazy beautiful adoption.  So after hugging and gushing memories, and introducing her to the kids, she asked "So you're adopting again?".  We said yes, and beamed with new excitement.  Excitement we hadn't felt in a long while.  The other woman in the room, the Lawyer, said, "Oh they are totally ready.  The homestudy is done, they paid their first deposit, they finished the paperwork, they are ready."  Then Susan asked "So you're ready ready? I mean totally ready?"  I answered, "Yep, we are ready!  I mean we have to get things organized and stuff, but we are ready".  Thinking in my mind she is asking like, is our house ready, or are we emotionally ready.  But then she said it.  The eight words that rocked my world..... she said "Because I have a birth mother for you".  I stood stunned for a second.  Sinking in deep what she had really just said.  I literally stood silent for what seemed like an eternity.  It was probably only a few seconds, but I felt like time had slowed.  Did she really just say what I think she said?  I knew they said it would be a quick thing, but 20 minutes after signing the papers???   The same DAY we decided to do this??  I looked at her and asked "Are you serious?"  She said, "Yes, I am.  I am looking for a match for a sweet precious African American woman in Georgia.  She is due in 8 weeks!".  Then Susan said "I will be right back!" and ran and got the file that was sitting on her desk.  We learned more about the birth mother, but new already our answer was yes.  How could it not be?

We did ask some questions like "Are you sure she  is OK with placing her baby with a white family?" and things like that.  She said she would send our file to the Birth Mother and find out her answer soon.  So we waited (ahhhhh waiting......that is adoptions middle name).  We waited a few days and found out she said yes to us.

We praise God for bringing this situation.  For the life of this precious boy.  For the life of his momma and his three brothers.  We know that although we have already talked to this woman and fallen in love with her, and even though we text with her fairly consistently, that this might all not work out.  We could drive to Georgia, and she could change her mind.  She could be changing her mind right now, for all we know.  There are no guarantees in adoption.  We could hold, snuggle, love, feed and praise God for our sweet baby when he is born, and have him for days and someone could still call us up one day, and say, I am sorry, we have to come take the baby now, she wants him back.  And not only would we have to accept that, but we would know she is completely within her rights to do that.  We do not know the future, but we press on towards our plans to drive to Georgia and await the birth of our son.  Will he be healthy?  Will we get to hold him right away, or will we have to wait for a days?  Will she change her mind?  Will she be OK?  None of this is answered in advance for us.  We walk by faith, and not by sight.  We press on, knowing that God is good, and not matter what happens, He saw it before hand and will walk us through it.  I have little confidence in this world, but I have TRUST in my God.  He will be with me.  HE will walk this road with us, as scary and as exciting as it may be, we are not alone.

I'll keep you updated :-)   In the meantime.......would you prayerfully consider helping with the overwhelming financial costs of this adoption?  The program was discounted, praise God, but the interstate adoption agencies and paperwork is NOT.  The travel for us is working out to be quite expensive as well, seeing that we must remain in Georgia for close to a week or longer to wait for the ICPC to be released from Georgia to California, and be accepted by California.  ICPC is a paper that must be received and signed by both state agencies before we can leave Georgia.  This paper alone by the way costs $1000.  Just one piece of paper. 

Some ways to give:
 ~ One way is to buy our fundraising necklace from the Jubilees Jewels .  Our fundraising necklace is called "Every good gift..."  taken from the scripture verse James 1:17
~Another way to give with just one click at our fundraising site on adopttogether.org  which is..
https://www.adopttogether.org/esparzafamily/
~And lastly, if you are crafty, you can donate to our Craft sale!  Do you enjoy making Pinterest creations?  Do you sew, knit, crochet, paint, or make anything else cool that someone might buy?  If so you can message me at sgtswife03@yahoo.com for my address and send me something to sell at my Fundraising sale coming up on Saturday August 3rd.

Thank you so much for your emotional, physical, prayerful, and financial support!

And then God changed everything....part 2

Click here for Part 1

   So here we were, knowing that God had provided a family for this little guy. We were so very glad for him. We even found out later that he went to the wonderful home of a woman in our Christian homeschooling community.  Oh how God is so good.
   But what was God doing?  Was this just a fluke incident, or was God again moving us in a different direction, the way He did with Ethan's adoption?  We really felt He just wanted us to be open.  Open to anything, and to trust Him for the end result.  While these thoughts were fresh on the mind, I opened my email, not more than a few days after hearing that we were not chosen for the sweet Down's baby in LA, to see another email from the lawyer in LA.  He stated that a colleague of his had called him that morning about a baby in San Diego whose mother had been on Methamphetamines.  He asked if we would like our profile sent to them in San Diego to be considered for that baby, and that he would send the file to them as a courtesy to us with no charge.  I called my husband at work, and read the email to him.  He was having an awful day, and was in a lot of pain (pain that lingers still from his back surgery last year).  He didn't like the wording of the email, and wasn't sure at all what that kind of a drug might do to a baby.  He was frustrated that it sounded like they were acting as if it was a "courtesy" to find a family for a baby.  So he quickly said,"No. Just tell him no. We're doing an older child adoption through the county.  This wasn't in our plans.".  I did as he said.  It broke my heart to write it, but I wasn't going to argue, If he wasn't on board, then I wasn't on board.   I could tell my poor husband was having a really tough day.
   The very next evening, my husband and I were reading at the computer, a horrific story of an abortion, and the lives that it affected.  We sort of thought out loud to one another "what if that woman in San Diego was told 'I can't find anyone to adopt your baby' and she went through with an abortion because she thought she didn't have another option?".  We let the weight of that sink in.  He looked at me and said "write the lawyer back and ask him to please send our profile to the colleague in San Diego.  Maybe he will, maybe he wont, let's just leave it for God to decide.".  I wrote him again and asked him to please send our profile and that we had reconsidered.
   A week went by and we heard nothing.  Nothing back from the Lawyer in LA and nothing from the lawyer in San Diego.  We weren't sure if he even ever sent the profile.  I had to admit, we did sound a little wishy-washy by saying so no so quickly, and then changing our minds soon after.  I finally got up the nerve to write him and ask if he would just let us know if he sent it or not.  He wrote back that same day and said that yes, he had in fact sent it, but that we wouldn't hear anything at all unless we were picked.  So we would now just wait.  If we didn't hear anything soon, we would know that she didn't select us, or possibly even changed her mind about the adoption all together.
   As the days ticked by we kept thinking out loud to one another "What is God doing here?  Why are all these babies being put in front of us to consider?  Babies we weren't really thinking about.  Was he wanting us to do a domestic adoption again?  We just kept thinking of these precious babies, so many of which were in danger any given day to the abortion that ever looms in front of their momma's path.  We know all too well how many people desire the deaths of the ones who aren't "wanted" or those who come at very unfortunate times.  We know how hard Ethan's birth momma struggled against the doctors, and nurses who literally screamed at her to abort Ethan. She was six months along when she found out she was pregnant with him. She saw him on an ultrasound the day she found out.....it was her courage, and more than likely that ultrasound that saved his life. Of course we know that God was ultimately in control, and watching over our precious son.  How she held her ground at that hospital, with all the pressure and verbal abuse she endured with no one at her side to defend her and our little Ethan hidden in her womb, is an absolute miracle.  ahhhh I digress..... where was I?  Oh yes, what was God doing? Or was this just us doing something.  Maybe we were just suckers for hearing about children in need.
   We decided to call our foster to adopt agency and ask more questions about what we could do to speed things along.  We asked  for them to search diligently for some children for us to at least consider, and look at the files.  We sort of wanted them to move things along before we did something crazy ;-)  In the meantime we had been calling social workers about children we were finding on the computer on sites like AdoptUsKids.org or  HeartGalleryof America.org, but either the workers never called us back or when they did the children were already adopted, or had severe issues on our "no-go" list.  But we were looking.
   The next day my husband and I were talking and he said "I wonder if ANLC is doing the African American Fee Reduction Program again?".  ANLC is the same agency we went through with Ethan.  They were amazing to work with, and with our wait with Ethan being only 48 hours after finishing their profile paperwork (2 months total from signing on to getting matched.  But only 48 hours after completing the profile), we were pretty darn satisfied.  Well when Ethan was 5 months old they contacted us about a special program in which you adopt at a greatly reduced price, because they are specifically looking for families for babies who are "hard to match".  These babies at the time were Black/African American babies. They had a large number of African American women who were willing to place their babies, but not enough families on their files willing to adopt non-white babies.  Some were willing to adopt Hispanic, and Asian, but not Black. When we received that email when Ethan was five months old, we honestly considered it, as we had always been open to any race, but finally realized we could not do it with all of Ethan's needs at the time.  He was a VERY needy baby when he was little, and still is in many ways.  Fast forward to this day and my husband wonders if they are having this program available.  I sort of shrugged my shoulders and said "Well they might.  I'm not sure.  Should we call and ask?"  He says yes, and so I call that day.  I was so nervous dialing that number!!!  I just kept thinking "What am I doing?!?!?!?!  We aren't going to do another infant adoption!!", but I kept dialing anyway.  Driven for some odd reason just to find out.  I guess the babies in LA and San Diego had done something to me.  Or maybe I was ovulating at the time, ha! Whatever it was, something was softening both of our hearts to being open to doing another domestic adoption.  I talked to the supervisor and asked about the African American Fee Reduction Program.  They said that they did indeed have the program currently running and were in great need of families willing to adopt these precious babies.  I told her my situation, and that we were currently doing Foster to Adopt, I even told her that I had NO CLUE what I was doing on the phone with her, because we weren't doing another domestic infant adoption :-)   We decided to schedule an informational meeting for a week later exactly.  That would land us on a Tuesday.  We decided together, Jake and I, that if we didn't hear back from the woman in San Diego, or from the Foster to Adopt agency, or from the social workers who we had contacted about children on the websites, then we would consider signing on with ANLC on Tuesday.  And so we waited for Tuesday to come and God to show us what to do.......
Part 3 (the very end I promise!!!) tomorrow!

And then God changed everything.... Part 1

I am marveling over the fact that I am about to write the miraculous story of our second adoption, when I still have yet to write all the miracles surrounding Ethan's adoption!  That is sort of frustrating, and I am sorry it is all going to be a bit out of order, but I will write tonight about the story of how we were matched with this precious little one, and then another day soon, I will write more about how it all happened with Ethan (especially his birth story which is AMAZING!).  Until then though, this is the story of Malachi James.

As many know, for the past 11 months we have been pursuing an adoption through Foster to Adopt.  Jake and I adored our experience with Ethan, and it was mightily blessed by God. We couldn't believe he shifted us from our international adoption with South Korea, to an infant adoption in California, something that we swore we would never do.  God has his own plan however, and we are so glad he does!!  Ethan is a delight, and a bright shiny light on any and all dark days. However, even though we had an amazing experience with him, and the agency the Lord led us to to adopt him from, we decided not to pursue another domestic infant adoption for several reasons.  One, was that we just couldn't afford another domestic infant adoption.  Two, was that we do have a passion for siblings, and for older children.  Of course we love babies, but doesn't everyone?  We thought for sure that doing older kids, possibly siblings, was the way to go for our next adoption.  Not to mention, it is a free adoption when you adopt through the state. We briefly considered international adoption, but knew straight away that this would not suite our family and where we were at, and again, financially, it just wasn't possible.
   So we started our homestudy officially last September with an agency that works hand in hand with the counties.  This homestudy was our longest one ever.  The agency we went through was a delightful little office, with warm and friendly women.  But they were sincerely understaffed, so everything took twice as long as it should have.  We completed our homestudy officially in March, after a long 6 months of interviews, paperwork, fingerprinting, and well....more interviews and paperwork! When we completed the Homestudy, we honestly thought children would quite literally be thrown at our door.  We prepared the house, the beds, our hearts, and our kids.  And we waited.  And waited.  And waited.  Nothing.  Not even a call.  We stayed in contact with our matching coordinator and she let us know that she was trying but there just weren't that many kids who met our criteria.  Say what?? We were open to special needs, older kids, siblings, and children with learning disabilities for crying out loud. Wasn't this the description of all the kids in desperate need of homes?  But what she was having trouble with was not the things we were open to, but the things we were not.  Things like children who act out sexually towards other children (due to prior sexual abuse). We just couldn't have that with having three other young children in the home.  Another thing that we decided was a "no go", were children who acted out very violently to other children and animals.  Our concern wasn't as much for our 11 and 9 year old, but more for little Ethan, who at a year and a half, is pretty defenseless. One other thing that we had said was that we were open to a level 1, 2, and 3, risk, but not 4 or 5.  In Foster lingo those numbers represent the "risk" of that child being returned to the custody of the parents. Level 1 are children whose parents have lost their rights, and are awaiting families and free to adopt (these are very rare for many reasons). Level 2 means that the children in this category have a high likelihood of NOT being returned to the parents, and are very close to being free to adopt. Level 3 are children they think will more than likely not be returned to the parents, but they have not determined for sure yet.   While we try to have respect for the system and how it works (although we do have some qualms, we know we are not experts either), we didn't feel comfortable with Fostering alone, so levels 4 and 5 were out.  We felt very passionate about adopting a child waiting for a forever family. And lastly, we were not open to children older than Jacob's age of 9, as he was passionate about keeping his birth order and not wanting children older than him.  We really wanted to honor that for him.
   What we were hearing from the agency, was that there were plenty of children who didn't act out sexually, but they were violent.  And there were plenty of non-violent children, but thy acted out sexually.  And there were some who had neither of those issues, but they were older than 9.  And some that fit all of those, but they were a level 4 or 5, meaning that they were likely to return to their original homes shortly.    We were discouraged, but not disheartened.  We figured all it would take was some time and some prayer, and the Lord would bring whom he wanted into our family when He felt the time was right.
   In the meantime, one day while I was doing homeschool with the children, I get a message from a dear friend asking if I saw the baby on Facebook available for adoption. She had heard about the child on the Facebook page of a woman in our homeschool group.  I was not "Facebook Friends" with that woman, although I knew her from the homeschool get togethers.  So I "friend requested" her so that I could learn more.  Just out of curiosity.  A few days later she accepted my friend request and I scanned through her posts to find the one about the baby.  I found it.  All it said was that there was a baby born in LA with Down Syndrome and that the parents wanted to place the baby for adoption. The adoptive parents would have to homestudy ready and live in California.  I read it a second time, and thought...."hmmmm".   My husband passed by me at the computer a few hours later and I said "We wouldn't really consider adopting a baby with Downs Syndrome right now would we?".  He looked at me and said "Why wouldn't we?".  I said " ummm, well, it's a life long commitment, and we are pursuing siblings through the foster care system, so that's why I thought maybe we wouldn't".  I then told him about the baby I had read about, and he asked me to write the woman in the contact area of the post to get more information.  I did.  And we waited.  She got back to us about 5 days later and said all she had was an email for a lawyer, and that if we wanted to be considered for the baby, then we were to send our homestudy/profiles, to the Lawyer.  I asked my husband that night if we should do it, and he said "Let's talk about it in the morning".  That's what I get for asking late at night ;-)   The next morning came and as I awoke and wiped the sleep out of my eyes, I saw my husband getting his Army boots on while readying for work.  I said "So what are we thinking?"  He had his back to me at the time and said "Well, it's a life time commitment.  I know full well all that a Down's diagnosis entails" (his little brother has Down Syndrome).  He continued... "I know it would be hard and he would need care for life, but I don't think God is going to let me retire to the easy life anytime soon, so I might as well be doing that.  And truly, if we were ever going to do anything that flew in the face of what this world says is good and valuable, and what this world says is not,  it would be this.   Send our profile, let's leave it in Gods hands.  If we get picked, he was meant for us, if not, then he wasn't".  And so I did.  That morning.  A few days later I got an email in reply from the Lawyer letting us know that they Birth Family had narrowed down the options to three families and that we were not one of the three.  We had complete peace about it knowing that we had trusted the Lord for the decision from the get go, so we praised the Lord that he would have a home soon.
Come back tomorrow for Part 2

Sweetness update.

Our new little sweet one is doing great.  We are all, children included, still in awe that God gave us this precious little gift.  Adoption is so inspiring because God takes what would be disastrous, what would be impossible, and makes it not only possible, but beautiful and redeemed.  Ethan is a gift, of that we are all aware.

As some of you know, Ethan had a little rough start.  Nothing major, but he did have sleep problems (possibly due to the very strong muscles relaxers the birth mom was on), chronic ear infections, stomach problems, and a pretty intense milk protein allergy.  

He still doesn't sleep great, but he is doing soooo much better.  He is not as restless and no longer wakes  3 minutes (on the dot!) after laying him down.  He even sleeps in his crib now!  He doesn't need to be rocked all the time anymore and is happy just laying down for bed and being patted on his back until he falls asleep. We don't let him "cry it out" but that's just our personal family decision.

As far as eating goes, he was doing "ok" on his very expensive hypoallergenic baby formula, but as of yesterday is now on a homemade raw goats milk formula.  He seems to be doing amazing on that!  I pray these results continue.  He is also teething and drooling buckets while eating his fist and fingers every chance he gets.  It's adorable.

We just love him soooooo much!  There are times however that I do look at all the diapers and formula and sleepless nights and strollers and schedules and think "I had it soooo easy before him", but just as quickly as that thought comes, God speaks to me the love that has been brought into our house because of him.  He has even brought "peace".  I know that only Christ can bring peace, but in this case he used a tiny little adopted infant to bring it to us.  Who wants to fight around a baby?  It's really true.  God has spoken volumes through this little one.  My husband for instance always knew it was his job to lead the family.  He loved teaching our older two.  But as our children become more independent, he/we sometimes got too busy with other things.   It became easy to think "they are doing fine".   The baby is a loud reminder that this "children in training" thing isn't ending anytime soon.  He has sparked a fire in both my husband and I to remain diligent in training our children in the way they should go.  And lovingly sharing our hearts with them while they are still young because they grow OH SO FAST!

It saddens me sometimes when I hear people talk of how much work children are (which they are!!!) and why they aren't having anymore because they like their independence (which I can sooo relate!), but what they are failing to realize is how much these hard little ones force us to rely upon God for our strength, for our sleep, for our daily bread!  They remind us this life is not about us.  They teach us to number our days because as you watch a little one grow you realize how fast it flies!  These little ones ground us to our homes, the exact thing feminists say is wrong and evil, is what God works together for our good!   Being home gives me time to love my husband and children, to provide healthy meals from home instead of fast food being eaten in the car on our way to another "thing".  Being home gives me time to be in the word, even if I am holding a tired infant in the other arm.

OK enough for now :-)   Blessing to all of you and I will update again soon.  Hopefully next time I will report what a GREAT SLEEPER Ethan is ;-)

Urban Chickens!

Yes, we live in Orange County California, and Yes, we just got three chickens :-)

It's very exciting and slightly nerve wracking.  Exciting because these are adorable pets, and the funnest things to watch.  Also because we LOVE fresh ranged organic eggs, and my kids can't stop playing "farmer" in the backyard.....priceless.  B U T......nerve wracking because I keep thinking "I'm a city girl, what do I know about raising chickens??".  I keep thinking I am going to mess up somehow and kill them through my ignorance.  Is my dog going to kill them?  Will they fly over my fence and my neighbors dog kill them?  What about all those chicken diseases???

It's still fun though, even with all the worries.  I am reading up more and more everyday on how to best take care of them and I am confident that my knowledge will be sufficient.  Plus, I mean, my kids are learning awesome lessons on taking care of things.   They are almost completely in charge!  They change the water, fill the food, scrape the poo with the shovel, let the chickens out to free range, and they even somehow manage to get them back in the coop later when we decide they need to go back in.  I love it!

So here are my 7 month old chickens.  Two Buff Orpingtons, and one Ameraucana. Their names are Hannah, Julia, and Ruby :-)  The kids picked the names.  Too cute.

A Contentious Wife part 2

A  definition of Contentious:  1) Tending towards argument or strife; quarrelsome. 2) Causing, involving, or characterized by argument or controversy.

Hmmmmm well I am certain the question of the day is.....how am I working out the details of NOT being a contentious wife?   Well, I am trying.  That is for sure.  Some days are better than others.  Some days I remember that the Lord wishes me to count my blessings, to remember to be respectful to my husband, to show him honor rather than constant annoyance with his "failures".  Other days, he's insensitive and rude, and really, I just go off.  Then we both repent, hug one another, pray and start over again.  Really, that's about as deep as it gets.   But that's life.   It is not romantic in the sense that Hollywood often portrays romance, or even the way our Christian romance novels portray it.  It's ugly.  It's messy.  But when God steps in and redeems it, it's the most beautiful thing in the world.  Anything that God redeems, is made beautiful.  That's how I view my marriage.  It can get sticky.  It has been ugly, mean, and downright sinful.  Yet as I sit back and marvel at the Lords handiwork over these last few years, and most importantly in these last 6 months or so, I see my marriage as a beautiful thing being woven together by a master artist.  He does this for a living....really.  :-)

So, down to the details.  Some things I have been trying to do, based on the sweet motivation from the Holy Spirit, have been:

~Trying to remember it's not all about me.  That means, that when I am wishing after a long night with the baby that my husband would remember to make me a cup of coffee when he gets up to make his, I instead try and think of something I can do for him.  Is he hungry?  Does he want a good morning hug, rather than a glare for not making me said coffee?

~Remembering to look at his attributes, not his failures.  Has he done something lately that was good, thoughtful, or self sacrificing?  Tell HIM!

~When he shares a wild dream of living in Alaska, or buying a third car because he "feels" we need a truck, remembering to nod and smile.  For the love of everything good DO NOT share the thoughts in your mind (ie. "Are you nuts!" , "have you seen our budget sweet heart? Does it have a large gaping hole that is screaming 'fill me with a new car payment'?"  "Sure honey, you go live up in the wilderness where it's freezing and play inside with the kids all day while packing heat to defend against bears on your way to the store".) 

~Thinking about the fact that while he may come off as cold or indifferent, really he is just thinking through things in his mind and will share them when he has thought it all through.

~HE'S REALLY NOT A BAD GUY

~Thinking about things like : does he like this shirt on me?  Does he enjoy the smell of this perfume?  Does he like this meal, or is it just me and the kids?

These are just a few of many examples.  But really, breaking the cycle of being a contentious wife, is really just the process of being open to what God sees when it comes to how you really think and act towards your husband.    Then remembering to put into practice a life of repentance when you loose your way, forgiveness when he looses his, and filling in everything in between with love.
1 Peter 4:8  " Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins"

A Contentious Wife.

1. Proverbs 21:9
   It is better to live in a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
2. Proverbs 21:19It is better to live in a desert land Than with a contentious and vexing woman.
3. Proverbs 25:24 It is better to live in a corner of the roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
4. Proverbs 27:15
   A constant dripping on a day of steady rain And a contentious woman are alike;

Hmmmmmmm, I sense a theme here by the wonderful author Solomon.  And although what he says is true, he may have had a BIT more experience with this than most men, given that he had 700 wives and 300 concubines.  He was bound to marry a few "contentious women".  

I will start this post with a humbling admission, (*gulp*).....I am a Contentious Woman.  Well a contentious wife, to be exact.  Startling how little that hurts.  Truly, it is hard to admit, but when God reveals to you a weakness, and then works in your heart to set you free from it, it's really not so painful. God has given me much hope in this last month.  I am changing, more and more everyday, the way I see things in my marriage.  And things are getting good, and getting good fast!  This is why it is a joy to share with you my journey on leaving  the contentious side of me in the past.

If you would have asked me anytime in the last ten years if I was a contentious woman/wife, I would have meekly said "oh no.  Not me.  I definitely struggle with my own personal sins, and I am not a perfect wife, but I totally believe in biblical submission.  I love my husband and submit to him often.  I am not like THOSE women! (slyly nodding my head in the direction of the woman demeaning her husband in public, and then sort of pointing in the direction of another woman telling her husband to "keep up" as the walk by). "

No, you see, the problem was not that I didn't care that I really WAS considered contentious by my husband, the problem was, I had NO IDEA what a contentions woman really looked like!  Honestly.  I really never thought I was one.  I never thought my husband thought I was one either.  I had such extremes to compare it to.   

For instance, my Mother, who I love dearly and truly is a wonderful role model in many ways, divorced 3 husbands.  I wasn't running to divorce court every time we had conflict, no, indeed, I was running to the bible!   So I was a good wife..... right?

I also had some good girlfriends, who loved Jesus, tremendously, but honestly treated their husbands like.....well....dogs.  I wasn't like them either! I never screamed at my husband in public, or left him a mile long "To Do" list on his weekends off.  On the contrary, I tried my best to "show" my husband respect, especially in public, and I rarely asked him to do much around the house.  So far I am doing great, right??  

So why is it that we had such a tough marriage?  Why is it my husband stopped confiding in me?  Why did he seem distant and harsh?  Why did he never listen to me anymore, or bring me flowers, or show affection?

The reason is simple.  Just because I didn't do, what I viewed as, "the extremes" doesn't mean I wasn't being Contentious to Jake.  

You see, I am proud to say I reject a lot of the feminist ideas.  I think hard core feminism is harsh to society, men, families,and children.  It's unfair, and down right un-biblical.  But I have realized lately that I still held some feminist idea's somewhere deep down.  I was raised in a non-Christian home and went to public school in the 90's.  Feminism was all around me.  I thought that as I became a Christian and read the Word and walked closely with my savior, I would just naturally let go of all these worldly thoughts and ideas and assume the thoughts of my Savior.

Ummmmm No. 

Not so much.  I see now that I truly thought that my needs were more important, even more noble, than his.  I mean, my need for love and honor is highly important. I work hard all day with the kids, and house, I deserve it.  His need for an adoring wife and true respect that comes from the heart was well....selfish, and very male (foreign).  Somehow my needs were valid and his were male pride.  Yikes.  

So when I "respected" him in public, yet despised him in my heart for not being the leader and man I wanted him to be, well then I was never really respecting  him at all.  And he knew it.  I tried to be encouraging, I really did.  I tried to encourage him to be a better man, a better Christian, a better father and husband.  A man knows when he doesn't measure up, even when I would say with my lips "I love you honey".  He always heard "I love you honey, but I don't respect who you are.  Maybe one day you will meet my standards, but right now you're a miserable failure".  Try being affectionate to that message. 

Then there was the double standards. When I sin, it is minor, because I do the "right" things.  See I handle my sin biblically.  I repent, reflect, confess, and do my best to walk in God's grace and not do it again.  But HE, well HE would just hide and run away from it. So his sin is now BIGGER.  " No No No. Not OK.  Come here little one, and let me show you how it's done.  You see honey, you can't even sin correctly........ let me show you how to do it...".  

Wowza.  I just couldn't figure out why things weren't cheery anymore ;-)

And on and on this went.  

"Jake, I love you, please lead the family"

(the next day)"Jake you're messing everything up by not leading, our children are going to be prostitutes and heathens!"

"Seriously, honey, you can do it, just read your bible everyday and teach the children just a few minutes a day and you'll be just like Doug Phillips and Voddie Baucham!" (now truly I did not SAY this, but I am sure this is what my husbands heart heard)

(the next day) "Seriously!!???  This sin again??  You're hopeless. You suck"

OK, now that you all hate me and think I am the wicked witch of the west, please know that God did get a hold of my heart.   He showed me in the most loving way, the only thing that would wake me up.  What my life would be like without Jake, and all his "failures".  It was just a simple vision I saw in my head as I contemplated our marriage, after another failed "date  night" (you know the kind, where you end up parked in the neighborhood screaming at each other in the car, instead of making out in the car.  You have those right?).  

I realized just that suddenly how terrible my life would be like without Jake in it.  I also so how very hard he tried to be all we needed him to be.  I saw all the good in that man, and I was so ashamed for being disappointed in him.  I was determined to pray and think, and pray some more to figure out the specifics of what I was doing to drive Jake away.  SO I prayed, and asked friends to pray, I even accepted a book from a friend on marriage, which is rare since I HATE marriage books and think they are formed in dark pits of evile devised to frustrate people.  

What God then showed me really burst my bubble...........  come back for the second post on "A Contentious Wife" and see what I am learning, how I am applying it and how my husband is responding.  

P.S. I have full permission by my husband to write this :-)  because after all, I am the submissive type, right? ;-)

Ethan. Sweetness.

We are still struggling with Sweet Ethan's sleep (sometimes he wakes every hour throughout the night), but we are NOT struggling with one thing........ OUR LOVE FOR THIS LITTLE SWEETHEART!  Seriously, we are so in love.  Even in my sleep deprived, non-showered, crazy hair, messy house......life.......we can both say for sure we are totally open for however many adoptions the Lord wants to bring us.  He will choose.  Honestly I would be heartbroken if he was our last, but God knows what he wants for each family.  However at this time we have decided to move forward with some sort of adoption (whether it be domestic infant like Ethan, or Foster to adopt, or international adoption) Next February.  Right after Ethan's one year birthday.  We are very excited.  The Lord has done marvelous works in our house lately, especially in our marriage and parenting, and I am thrilled at what I see.  God is so good.  Until I have a few more minutes to talk (blog) about some cool stuff going on and swirling in my mind, I leave you with a picture Ethan's favorite place to be.

I'm back!

WOW, that was a crazy roller coaster of a time.  These last 9 weeks have been trying!  But I am back now, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  I have learned so much lately, all the sleeplessness, worry about the baby, and breakdowns have all been worth it.

I should say first off, thank you to any of you who prayed for me or Ethan, or both of us.  Ethan is doing soooooo much better, and the off flow of that is I AM DOING better too :-)

It turned out that not only was he having digestive issues, but also continual ear infections.    We first found out about his ear infections by chance at the doctors office several weeks ago.  We had no clue!  We had not even suspected ear infections for his pain, since he showed so many signs that it was his tummy.  And although his tummy did (and sometimes still does) hurt, I am certain his double ear infection hurt far worse.   We did ten days of antibiotics.  I assumed it went away but when we took him back he still had fluid behind both ears and one ear was still very infected.  So now we are on a much stronger antibiotic which really really seems to be helping.  Bless his little heart!

He is letting his precious beautiful little personality come out now, and finally feels well enough to flash us a smile from time to time.  He is just wonderful.  He is also letting me sleep a bit more at night, which is helping me face our days with much more gusto!

I really slipped into a depression there for a little while.  I guess it was a mix between my hormones being off ( I had to go off my bio-identical hormone therapy while breastfeeding), not coping with stress well, lack of sleep, and sadly......lack of prayer and being in the Word.

The baby stopped breastfeeding several weeks ago (he just wouldn't do it anymore, he would scream when I put him to the breast, he just far preferred the bottle since my milk was decreasing), so I went back on my bio-identical hormone therapy.  Also, I am making it a point to comfort myself with prayer, and the bible, rather than TV or sugar.  Speaking of sugar, I am taking the 30 day no sugar challenge!  We are super excited (it's always funny when your super excited the first couple of days! ha!)
So  that is pretty much the things going on in this house.  We are learning to adjust, and just dwell in the moment of loving one another.  I leave you with this precious picture to show how much better sweet little one is getting......

Newborn Daze.

I've been in a fog.  A wonderful, exciting, sweet, sleepless, slightly stressful, newborn fog.  I tell you, that as much as I had tried to prepare for the changes that were coming, I don't think I could have prepared for the reality of what a newborn brings to a home.  "But you have two children already?"  You ask.  Yes, but my youngest is almost 8 and I think 7 years is just about the cut off for remembering what it was like when he was a newborn :-)
Soooooo we have adjusted.  We are barely coming out of the "holding baby 24/7, up all night, messy house, hot dogs for dinner, cereal for breakfast" fog.  Every phase of the life of a child is special, and when they are brand spanking new is no exception.  It's magical,  It's wonderful, it's a blessing!   But it's work, and it takes adjusting to.  Hence, the reason I have only posted 3 times in the almost 5 weeks since he's been born.

So, to update, I can say that Ethan is amazing.  He's hard work, but he's just about the cutest thing to happen to us since my last was born.  We just love snuggling him.  We have sort of hibernated since he has come.  We haven't been out much (except to go to church), and I really miss my friends.  But I am keenly aware that there are seasons in life, and this is my season to be home, missing out on a few fun things, to savor the briefness of this newborn time.  Plus I look like a mix between Medusa and the Wicked Witch of the West.  So I partially believe I am doing society a favor by staying indoors.  lol

Ethan is now finally growing out of newborn diapers, and into his cloth diapers (my first time cloth diapering! yay for me).  He is also starting to sleep better at night.  He still has a bad night here and there (such as last night), but for the most part it only wakes at 10pm, 1am, 4am and 7am.  If your thinking that doesn't seem so great, you should compare that to the nights that he was up every hour, for an hour.  That was tough stuff.

As far as Breastfeeding goes, well....it goes.  I am trying to breastfeed as often as possible.  It's a very long story but as of right now I am trying to increase my milk supply back to what it once was (I was producing a lot at the very beginning) which seems to be working.  The only problem is, and it's a big problem is now Ethan HATES to breastfeed.  He just loves the bottle.  Darn that evil bottle!  When I put him to the breast he just squirms and cries, then drinks a few seconds, then squirms and cries, then drinks a few second, and so on.  I know I have at least an ounce to offer because I get engorged and when I pump (which is not very often), I can sometimes get an ounce, or more.  More or less.  Soooo we are trying.  I am drinking a fabulous tea for feeding mothers, I am trying to stay hydrated, and I am taking several Fenugreek tablets a day.  So that's what's going on with that.

What else needs updating???

Oh yes, the Birth Mother.  Sandy is doing well.  She was discharged a few weeks after the birth of Ethan, and then ended up back in the hospital for a few days two weeks ago.  I talked to her yesterday, and she seems to be doing good, emotionally and physically.

Prayer requests (if you feel led )  
~For Ethan's Cold, breathing, and breastfeeding issues
~For My husband and I to continue to listen to God on whether or not to do Domestic adoption like we did with Ethan, or Foster/Adopt, or international.  We are pretty certain we will adopt again as soon as we are allowed (when Ethan turns 1 they let you start paperwork again).  We just don't know which adoption to do.  We need guidance from God on that..
~For my hormones to stabilize and continued health and nutrition in order to stay on top of my thyroid dysfunction and hormone imbalance

whoops baby is crying, gotta  run.  no time for spell or grammar checks.  forgive me  :-)

Ethan.

So sorry to keep you all in suspense.  I have had such a glorious last 10 days!  But I am awfully tired, and very very busy with my little bundle of joy.  I seem to have very little time to get on the internet at all these days.  But I wouldn't miss these precious newborn days for anything!  They grow way too fast!  Anyhow, I can't wait to write a nice big blog post very very soon, but as it is, I am sneaking one here secretly as my husband watches the baby so I can nap *shhhhhhhh*

He's so sweet  :-)

But he'd be none too happy if he found out he watched the baby so that I could hope on the blog.... hahahaha

The short version is Ethan is precious, sweet, and perfect.  He is doing AMAZINGLY!  And so is Sandy.  I love him to pieces, and could not love him more, were he born of my own body.  I just can't get over him!  He's amazing.  *sigh*

I have been able to bond with him so much and I can honestly say, I have not left him for one moment since he was born!  Amazing the miracles that God has worked to make that happen.  Our Father is soooo good and hears all our prayers!

May he bless all of you in your day.  Now I'm off to go nap ;-)

Welcome home Ethan.

I cannot wait to post all sorts of wonderful, beautiful, miraculous, details.  But as of right now, I am running on about 4 hours total since Sunday......sooooo......it will have to wait.  Until then, here are some pictures of our precious new son!   Ethan was born Sunday at 7:33pm and weighed 6lbs 6oz.  19 1/4 in. long.

update.

I am wondering if all my blog posts for the next few months will be entitled "updates"?  It seems I am lacking the time and heart energy to devote myself to blogging temporarily due to the great needs that are surrounding me.  This is good.  Oh so good.  I tend to be a self focused person, so focusing on the needs of others (i.e. training my children, homeschooilng, trying to find a way to take care of the basic human needs of "Sandy") is what God knew I needed.  Sometimes I lack showing any good fruit that the Lord has to trans-plant a bud right there on my branch so all I have to do is watch it grow.

So the update is the birth mom is still being denied so much of what she needs to live even a decent quality of life.  I have been praying for help for her, as I am aware there is only so much I can physically do.  I prayed and God has brought some amazing people in answer to that prayer.  My Mom has been deeply moved and very disturbed and Sandy's way of life.  My mom has now generously decided to pay for a caregiver for Sandy.  That took an ad in Craigslist and days and days of emails, sorting, phone calls, and decisions on who to pick.  We picked a lovely woman who is going to love Sandy and take care of her basic needs.  We are so excited she has someone there looking after her and making meals for her.  Also several precious sister in Christ have bought her other child still living in her home some items for Christmas that I just know she will love.  On top of that my home group has decided to have a huge garage sale in which all proceeds will go to helping Sandy.  I am feeling blessed, so blessed to be able to take part in helping, and YET......there is still so much to be done.  So much hopelessness I feel.  But then I set my mind on Christ and know that he loves her and will provide.  He always does.    There are several other situations that I truly would love to share now, but just cannot until I talk about them with her.  Just be in prayer for our family.  We have a lot of BIG decisions that need to be made.  A lot that depend on God deciding, NOT US.  Until then we are greatly looking forward to the arrival of our precious new son Ethan.  We cannot wait to hold him!  So far he is still alive and we are so very grateful for that.  He is a miracle!

Prayers:
Transportation for Sandy to get to doctors appointments (I cannot lift her and I don't have a wheelchair accessible van)
Decisions for Jake and I involving our family.
Health and safety for my children, myself, my husband, Sandy and Ethan.

until then.

Adopted for Life....and an update :-)

Update first:    "Sandy" (the Birth Mother) is doing better, she had several blood transfusions, and many more other medical complications that happened, and are still happening, but she is alive.  For that I am so very grateful.  I went to visit her a few days ago, and I knew God was calling me to just sit with her and be her friend for a bit.  We talked, but mostly I listened.  God has overwhelmed my soul with compassion for this woman.  I cannot even begin to fathom what it is like to be in her shoes.  To be homebound and in her thirties, is something that is devastating for her.  But the hardest part is her children.  She loves them so.  Several are in different homes because she cannot care for them, all of whom she misses and loves terribly.  Now this precious little Ethan, whom she cannot keep or care for, is breaking her heart.  She tries to hide it and puts on the biggest bravest front.  She says she wont let herself get attached.  She says if she does it will crush her so she convinces herself that she is not attached.   I was with her during her ultrasound and I can tell you......She is already attached.  I know she cannot admit what that would mean for her.  Could I, if it were me?   My heart cries to make her life better.  How?  I ask God this often as of late.  Sometimes He says to go visit her, sometimes he says "buy her a sweater", but mostly He says to "love".   Love.  Love is God and Love transcends all this mess of a world we live in.  Pray for me as I continue to focus on God's love for me and the Grace that has been given to me through Christ, so that out of that, love can flow through me to the precious fertile ground that is this woman's heart.  Pray also, as I have asked from the beginning, for her health and the health of the precious little baby Ethan, my son.  She is truly a "high risk" pregnancy, and it is a miracle of God little Ethan has hung in this long.

Adopted for Life:   I cannot say enough about this book.  It is awesome and truly captures adoption in the light of what God has done for us.  I would love to make this book my first book giveaway!  I have never done one of these before but a precious dear friend of mine is so passionate about adoption that her and her husband have purchased this book in bulk and have given me several copies to give away!  So, leave a comment and I will randomly select a winner and send you out a brand new copy of Adopted for Life!  

Take care of......her?

As I wrote in the previous post, I was being allowed by the birth mother *Sandy*, to join her at her doctors appointment.  The plan was, that Jake and I would meet them ( the birth father would be joining us as well) somewhere for lunch, then we would head out to the doctor appointment, while the birth father went home.   The birth father called us the day before we were supposed to go up there and said that Sandy was not "doing well" and was wondering if we could pick up lunch and bring it to the house instead of going out to eat.  I said absolutely and agreed to meet them out their house (they are roommate's, and not in a relationship with one another).

I can tell you that nothing prepared me for what I would face that day.  So many things, just due to the privacy of the birth mom, I cannot share with you.   The other things I will share with you and how they are affecting me.......for the better.  God always has a lesson in mind when bringing you to challenging things!

First, as I said,  I cannot give all of the details that cause me the most concern, but I can tell you that when I saw her my first thought was "death".  She looked like death.  It was lingering over her and around her, waiting to sink in it's teeth.  Only God is holding it back.  She is in much worse condition than I knew, and I think, more than she knows.  She has MS and is in a wheel chair due to both the MS and her two broken legs, both of which have no function and are healing in non natural positions.  There are other factors contributing to her failing health as well.

 I conversed with her for over and hour, which was a bit hard for her, as she struggles to maintain a good flow of breath while talking.  I cut her food up for her, as she cannot do it herself.  There was so many things that went through my mind during that hour wait to leave for the doctors visit.  One thing was a question that would not go away........"who is taking care of you Sandy?".   I did not say this out loud.  As I know who she "thinks" is taking care of her.  My heart broke for her situation.  Soon came time to leave.  We rolled her outside to our van and my husband lifted her and put her in.  It took much effort, but my husband is strong (she is very thin, but is 6 feet tall and 27 weeks pregnant) and we got her in without too much trouble.

We talked all the way to the hospital about mostly small and unimportant things.  I want to reach across and hug her, yet, I know this is not something she is comfortable with...yet.   So we chit chat as all women who barely know each other do.

 We get in the hospital/medical building and wait at her doctors appointment.  We get called back, and although she welcomes Jake along, he politely declines and says he will wait in the waiting room.  I happily go in with her. The doc comes in, says hi, listen's to the heart beat, says the beat sounds great, says she is due for an ultrasound and can get one today (my heart beats happily at the sound of that) and then he says " Sandy, I would like you to see a Perinatologist.  Just with you having.....other...ummm.... health issues, I think it's best you been seen by a Perinatologist.  We have a great one here at the hospital and they can set you up with an appointment with him.  OK?"  She says "sure OK" and we roll out to the front desk to make the appointment.  The appointment itself lasted a whole 3 minutes.
I am thinking to myself  "Wow, I am really glad they are scheduling her with a specialist for high risk pregnancies, but how is it that this woman can be coming to this doctor monthly, be 27 and a half weeks along, be in this bad of shape and JUST NOW, be being referred to a specialist??   I am no expert, but that seems grossly neglectful.    Oh and it get's worse.

We go to the front and they schedule her with her same OB for the next appointment 1 month from then, and say's to go have a seat while they try and find the Perinatologist's schedule.  We roll back into the waiting room and talk some more.  That's when she opens up a little about why she didn't have an abortion (I don't know exactly how we got on the topic of abortion, but it just came up I think after I said that I thought she was brave).  She said  "Well what was I going do?  I cannot even hold a baby in my arms.  I can't take care of a baby physically.  And I know *Sam* can't either with his MS.  What was I going to do?  Have an abortion?  I wouldn't do that.  I am not a Christian but I know the Bible says not to murder, so I am not going to murder, and that is what abortion is."    All I am thinking during this is "God's word does not return void!!!!!"    His WORD is affecting an unbelieving woman in order to spare the precious life of this sweet son of mine.  God is so good.

They call us back for the ultrasound.  We roll in and are barely able to make the turns in the office with the wheelchair.  What kind of hospital is barely wheelchair accessible?  Moving along.  We get into the room and the nurses look at us, look at her in the wheelchair, and tell us to lift her on to the very high table.  They offer no help whatsoever and I know why......She smells.  She hasn't been bathed in a long time, and no one is washing her clothes.   So my husband lifts her and with my help, we get her up.  I keep asking myself "what would these "nurses" do if we weren't there?  What is it like for her when she goes alone or with Sam, who can barely lift her at all?"

The ultrasound goes along well and we all smile as we see the cutest little black and white image of a face. We see his perfect lips, eyes, nose, head, chin, and beautiful beating heart. We then once again, unassisted by nurses, lift her down into her chair, choking down the vomit that wants to rise due to the smell that is coming off of her clothes.   We then roll her to the front of the office and try again to arrange the appointment with the specialist.  As we come up, the doctor calls us back into his office, which is weird because he said goodbye and everything before and said "see you in 4 weeks".  We go into his office with her and he says "I just got off the phone with my Chairman and we believe it is in your best interest to go elsewhere for your care"  At this point I am slightly agreeing with this man, as I believe they are not really all that concerned about this precious, very sick woman.  He then says he thinks she should go to a hospital 57 miles away.  Which in Southern California is like and hour and a half without traffic and 2 or more with traffic.   She says "well I have no way of getting there.", at which he shakes his head and gives a "well I don't know what to do about this" look.   I look at him and say "well she takes the bus to get here and this is only 2 miles down the road.  I don't think the bus will take her there.  I would drive her but I live and hour and a half away in the other direction, and I can't lift her by myself.  Maybe we can if my husband can get off work, but that would be hit and miss"  I look at her and say "Are you OK with this, I mean, that is really far?".  The doctor then gets up before she can answer and says "well see me in four weeks and we will talk about it some more."   He walks out, we roll out and go again to the front desk to make an appointment with the Perinatologist.  The nurse says, "Oh I thought you were going to another hospital?", we say no, not yet, she hasn't decided.  To which she says "oh....well.....I'll call you if the doctor says you really need to see the perinatologist after all".

I told you it got worse.   I truly am not attacking the character of any of these doctors or nurses, but it was really hard to see her be "swept under the rug" so to speak.  We left and while wheeling her through the parking lot she says that she knows why the chairman want's her gone.  "Do you know who the chairman is?"  I ask.   She answers "Yeah, she is the one who was trying to force me to have an abortion with my last child,(which was years and years ago) and I don't think she likes me because I told her that I would never do it".

Goodness.   *sigh*

So we leave and I ask her to tell me if there is anything she needs before we take her home.  Does she need to mail a letter, run and errand, does she need groceries, is she hungry?  She says, she would love to go to Starbucks and get a Caramel Frappuccino.  We can do that.  So we run to Starbucks and pick it up and drive her home.

We pull into the drive, and she says to hold on because she wants to give me something.  She gives me coupons for food and formula (she is so sweetly and preciously wanting to help take care of her son) and then hands me an old worn infant pajama outfit from her closet.  She says "all my children wore this, and he will need it to keep him warm, you know he is being born in such a cold season".

That's it.  My heart is broken.  I am ruined.  If I ever wondered before at what cost adoption takes place, I know a bit of it now.  We wave goodbye and I cry and process and pray all the way home.  Jake and I come to the conclusion that something needs to change for her.  Someone needs to help her.  Those people are us.  The doctors are letting her slip through the cracks, her caregiver is not giving care, and she is slowly slipping away.   Every person who should have been protecting her has let her down.  I vow then and there that I won't.  But God, why?  Why is it so complicated?  Why do I have to care?  Why does this have to be so heartbreaking, and hard, and........smelly......and .......dirty?

Because Valerie, I didn't just call you to adopt a baby, I called you to care for the least of these.  That command stands......... always.

He whispers truth, and I know what he means.  I must do whatever I can to bring her love, and care and comfort.  With God, I will.

I was wrecked for her that whole night, and all the next day.   I was on the phone all day with transits trying to see if we can find her transportation to the better hospitals.  NONE.  No one will take her that far.  Not one.

The good news:

~God moved so deeply in my moms heart at the plight of *Sandy*, that she has arranged for Sandy to have a personal assistant come in once weekly for 8 hours and clean the house, grocery shop, prepare meals, bathe her, wash her laundry, check on her bed sores, and change the bed linens.   PRAISE JESUS!

~I have decided that I will do what ever is in my power to help her not feel alone.  I called her and asked her permission to go to all her doctor appointments, regardless of how many, and be an advocate for her, fighting for her rights, and making sure no one ignores her or pushes her around.  She happily agreed and that is the plan.  She will be protected by me like a sister.  Not just a "woman having my adopted son"

~My sweet and precious friends here at my church are all praying for her and have decided to have a huge garage sale and give all proceeds directly to Sandy.

~I was so worried about her dying because the doctors were not checking on her adequately, nor understanding the depth of her poor health.  My fear was that she would either die at home soon, or go into labor and not know it (she feels nothing from the ribs down), possibly causing herself and the baby to die. But I received word yesterday  from Sandy that she was in the hospital recovering from a blood transfusion and that she had been there a few days.  I was so scared for her, but rejoicing that they were now being forced to look at her, run tests, and possibly refer her finally to the specialist.  She is still there.

  There are so many things  that this is teaching me.  First, handing over situations that I have no control over and not giving into worry.  My sweet son, is in a situation I do not wish for him.  He is being exposed to several prescription medications and his sweet momma is just so sick and stressed, I am not sure what nutrition if any he is receiving.  But God loves her.  And God lives Ethan.  And God loves me.  His will is perfect.

Be in prayer my sweet friends.  Lift us all up and let God receive Glory!

No baby....yet.

We are still waiting. Don't worry, I will let everyone know as soon as we get "the call". We are very very excited for that day. And yet, as excited as I am, I am glad it has not happened yet. I have so much to do! I am totally nesting. I never believed that you could "nest" when you weren't pregnant, but I am nesting for sure! I am trying to get everything ready. The call can come any day.
The List.....

~swing by my brother and sister-in-law's storage to pick their baby stuff left over from the twins------check
~pick up the crib from my sweet friend Anh-------check
~clean and wash the bassinet that I got off Craigslist-------check
~organize Ireland's room to make room for baby-------check

Still to do....

~figure out which kind of cloth diapers to use (there's so many choices!!)
~get cloth diapers and formula
~find some uni-sex baby outfits (poor child has NO CLOTHES yet in this house)
~pray for God to prepare my heart with patience and love, gentleness and self control
~get the house in order
~make freezer meals
~be sure to get homeschooling in order so things will run smoothly when baby comes.
~jump up and down and shout praises to the Lord for all the kindness He has shown to us :-)

Update....again.

I think you will be getting a lot of these in the next few weeks and months. As most of you know we just shifted from a very slow international adoption process to a very quick domestic adoption process. We JUST today found out that our current international agency that we have been working with, has agreed to convert our home study from international to domestic. This is huge. We were hopeful in the beginning that they would convert it, but the more we talked to the agency, the more it looked like they would not do it for us. This was told to us by four separate individuals who worked in the agency. My husband looked at me and said "babe, if they won't do it, then we cannot afford to do another homestudy and we will just have to take it as a sign from God that we are to wait longer to adopt and stick with international." Which would mean dropping from South Korea (as we know regardless of which adoption we do, is not a good idea at the moment due to the countries threats of closing the program) and waiting until we qualify for China special needs. My heart sunk. After waiting years just to get to a point to be so close, it hurt to think of having to wait longer. I prayed. Then I finally go a hold of the director of our agency (who happens to sincerely dis-like us :-), and she told me today that she would convert our homestudy........... FOR FREE........ THIS WEEK. It was a MIRACLE. I could say a lot more, but I don't want to put down the agency. Let's just say it was clearly the work of God. Sooooooo the plan is, get the 5% loan we have agreed to get, turn in our money and paperwork to the domestic agency Friday, put together our profile in two weeks, and probably adopt shortly thereafter. I can't believe how fast this is all going. I wouldn't be so excited for the quickness of it all had the lady not told me to prepare to get a child very quickly due to our openness on race and other issues. I was prepared to wait long, and was fine with that. But it is true. So we wait and see. I am picking up my nephews infant carseat that he has outgrown tomorrow, along with some miscellaneous baby things. I have to say, having a 10 and 7 year old sure makes you look around and realize that you have almost nothing for a baby. This should be fun collecting little pieces here and there from friends and family. P.S. if anyone has any good ideas on fund raising to pay off adoption loans, pleas let me know! :-)

updates, updates, updates.

I find it odd and sort of funny that I am in a stage in life that things are changing so much that I am constantly having to update friends and family on the craziness that we call "our life". But I love it anyhow. Apparently God must think I don't like things to be predictable (or he knows I do and likes to throw me for a loop....one of the two ;-) Tonight I will focus the update on the adoption. Later, when I get back from Northern California, I will update the rest of our crazy life and then would love to go back to some topical blogging, The adoption is moving forward, but in a new direction. We received our finalized copy of our Home Study in the mail today ~yay~ and have thus far completed everything needed to move forward in this process. However there is one thing standing in our way. That one thing happens to be very very large. Yup, it's the country of Korea itself. We believe completely that they are shutting down the international adoption program. And rightfully so. They are not a third world county, and have reached the point where they can sustain their own adoptions domestically. They have been talking about this for a few years I guess, but we only knew about it a month after we signed on to adopt from there. Our agency did not tell us anything about it. At all. Not a word. You get my drift. We would soon find out however how truly serious this was. Phone calls to the agency brought no news, they said only "Korea has been threatening this for years, it's not really anything to be concerned about." I believed them.....at first. Now we are getting email updates weekly, about what other families (who are much farther along in the process) are going through. Huge delays (some delays are always to be expected in the adoption process but these were massive), and threats to shut down the whole program. There is much much more to it than that, some of which we are not privileged to discuss, but after much consideration we have decided it is not in anyone's best interest to invest 2 more years, thousands of dollars, and our hearts, to a program that will more than likely shut down right before we are able to actually finalize an adoption from there. We then looked into other countries that our agency offers, and for one reason or another we are not able to do the few they have to offer (several countries are going Hague at the moment and others are having in country turmoil and therefore are temporarily suspended). So we started calling around to other agencies who offered different countries to see if we could switch over to them. I called 6 agencies and every one of them told me that although our home study was just completed, is fully accredited, and legal for use, they would not take our home study as it is their policy to do "their own home studies". As I was calling around and hearing this heartbreaking news, knowing we could not afford to pay for another homestudy only 2 months after paying for the recent one, my heart sank. Then I remembered seeing this adoption agency as I drove down the freeway to see my doctor. I thought for a moment and remembered the name listed on the building. I googled them, gave them a call and asked, without expecting a "yes", if they would take my home study. They asked if it was accredited, I said yes, and they said YES! I told them how wonderful that was and how happy I was to hear that. I then asked "What country programs do you offer for adoptions?". She said "Oh, we don't do international, only domestic." My heart sunk. We had never even considered domestic adoption, and I wasn't sure I was ready to consider it now. I got to talking to the kind lady though and we ended up talking for an hour. I let her know the situation with Korea, our situation with not qualifying for several countries due to age, or travel time or several other reasons. She asked me to come by a week later to come talk about the domestic adoption process and see if I really understood it. I agreed, talked it over with my husband, and went to the meeting a few days ago. We had TONS of questions and they answered them all honestly and openly. We discovered a lot of things we thought wrongly about domestic adoption. For one, we believed that domestic adoption in America was for the rich. Why we thought this, I have no idea. It will end up costing around 10-15 thousand dollars LESS than our Korean adoption would have cost. Secondly, knowing adoption is about so much more than money, we wanted to ask if there was really even a need for us. We had always heard that there was like a 7 year wait list for a baby in America. We assumed that there were all these people who could not have children and only wanted a baby, and wanted one .....well.....primarily white. And since my husband and I were open to children up to 5 and were completely comfortable with children of all the beautiful skin shades of this world, we thought the obvious, and only choice was to do international adoption. The lady informed me that although there are a lot of people wanting to adopt in America, most of them want a healthy, Caucasian newborn, born to a mother with a good medical history. She informed us that there were very few couples who crossed their desks open to children of all races, and of backgrounds with some unknowns. We filled out a questionnaire that asked questions about the baby you would like to adopt. Questions like "what race are you open to?", "would you be willing to adopt a child that is the result of rape?", "do you want a boy or a girl?" . When we answered that we were open to a child of any race, either a boy or girl, and that we were not all that concerned about a child's mothers background, the lady almost teared up. I could not believe her reaction. My thoughts were "How many people are seriously not open to these things??". She answered my unspoken thought the next moment. She said that these were the kind of questionnaires they frame in their office. Jake and I looked at each other thinking "your kidding, right?" We are no hero. We are not even good most of the time. We are selfish, lazy sinners being transformed daily by the power of God and relying on HIS grace to get through each day without falling back into old patterns of sin. BUT, we know the value of a child. That value is not changed by circumstance, color, gender, or abilities. Sooo we told her we were interested and talked about how to start. Here's the crazy part. After we talked about which things to do to get this thing rolling she then said "Normally I ask my clients to get in this paperwork as soon as possible. The sooner your paper work gets on file and your profile gets put out there, the sooner you get matched. BUT since you guys are open to so many variables I would say to hold onto your paperwork until you are absolutely ready to bring home a baby." She said we could be matched within days of posting a profile. W O W. So here we are. Doing a domestic adoption. I never would have thought. Now having said all that, our hopes for helping the least of these are not ending with this adoption. There are so many children in countries sitting in orphanages waiting, that we could not leave it at this. Even though all plans made by man are subject to change, our goal is to adopt a precious baby domestically in America now. Then by the time that child is around 1, my husband and I will BOTH be 30 and will have been married 10 years (two setbacks that work against us with several countries). We hope to then continue our heart for adoption internationally. We should then qualify for several more countries. There's your update. Who would have thought I was going to write a book tonight? sheesh! Other updates to follow soon. Until then, we are off to Northern California for our second vacation in almost 10 years of marriage! We are excited and ready for this break :-)