Quickest and strangest update ever.

I sincerely believe you will never read a more insane sounding update from me....at least I hope not.

I don't have time today for details, but they will come soon.  Oh how beautiful are all the details.  But you will understand in a moment why I don't have time.
Currently we are....
~Selling our house in California where we live near all our family and friends
~buying a house in Missouri that we have NEVER seen before
~moving to Missouri
~updating our homestudy
~unpacking
~annnnnd adopting our new baby whom we have recently been matched with

Allll of this will happen in less than two months!!!!!!  The Lord is with us, The Lord is with us (do you hear me chanting?)
Pray for us ;-)

The post I didn't want to write.

Hello sweet friends.  I hopped on the computer tonight for one reason, and one reason only.   That reason was to write the story I never wanted to write.  The story of our "failed adoption".  Although I hate that term.  I prefer to just simply say the truth, and that is that nothing failed.  The birth family decided to keep their sweet baby, and God's painful, but good and perfect will was laid before us.  The reason I need to write this down tonight, even if I really don't want to, is because I need for everyone to hear/read it at the same time.  I have so many (praise God!) loving friends and family members who will all want to know how it all happened, and how we dealt with it, and how we are doing now, 8 days later.  I want them to know.  I just don't want to describe that heart wrenching day over and over and over again.  Kind of like a band-aid, ya know?  I just want to rip it off and be done with it.  But I fear, with the pain being so fresh, that every time someone asks "what happened", I will re-live "what happened" all over again.  So for me, to write this down publicly, and show everyone at the same time, is healing and helpful for me.  I sort of get to talk about it when, and how I want to once everyone knows.  Do you understand?  I hope that you do.  Here goes.

The weeks leading up to the trip:

As I texted and messaged the precious birth momma, over the weeks that I had before the birth, I couldn't help but fall head over heels in love with her.  She was an African American woman living in a state in my country, but in a world all her own.  She was another skin color, another culture, she lived in the deep south, and she was dirt poor, living in a crime infested government owned project.  We were nothing alike.......except....... we both knew Jesus, her more recently than I, and we both loved this baby.  She was already raising her sweet beautiful boys on her own, and for reasons I leave private to her, she was going to choose adoption for this sweet one.  Every time I spoke to her, I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness for her.  Sadness that she was going to have to walk this hard road.  I knew and could read in her texts that she was trying to prepare herself, but that the knowledge of letting go of this baby was breaking her heart.  But she had resolve, and she was determined to follow through with the plan.  The birth father however was less determined and was "willing" to let the adoption take place, but from what I could gather, he was heartbroken as well, and not at all happy about the idea of it.  I could easily understand that.  But the plan was she would deliver by herself at the hospital and that neither, he, or any of her family members would come and see the baby, as they didn't want to see him, then let him go.  Again, I could understand that.  And the birth mother as well, wanted it that way.  She didn't want other peoples attachments to the baby to get in the way of her decision.  She lovingly respected their decision to leave her alone during and after delivery, and encouraged that as the plan.  But my heart BROKE, and I mean broke, that she would do it all alone. About a week before my family and I left for our cross country road trip to go to Georgia to await the arrival of the baby, I had coffee with several of my girlfriends and voiced the fear that was nagging on my heart.  I told them I was a little numb.  Not feeling elated, or worried.  I just......was.  I felt nothing.  Nothing good or bad.  It just felt like waiting.  Like how you feel in an elevator waiting to reach the bottom floor.  I also shared the reason I might have been feeling like that.......I was very concerned she might change her mind.  My thought was that if the birth father showed up to the hospital and hugged that baby, and looked at her and asked her to keep him, I knew that she would.  And I knew she would be fully within her rights, morally, legally, and in all ways.  I wouldn't fault her if she did.  I also felt slightly detached because well, he was thousands of miles away in another woman's womb.  I couldn't feel him kick, or see him on an ultrasound, or even be near him geographically.  I knew my attachment would grow the closer we got to him.  I knew that if I held him in my arms, my heart would swell with love for him.  I knew that if I laid eyes on him, and planted a sweet motherly kiss on his little brow that I would be hooked.  And so I asked my friends to pray that night, that if it was the Lords will that we not keep him, that the Lord would PLEASE prevent us from driving there, and for the love of everything PLEASE don't let me hold him if I couldn't keep him.  That prayer was heard by the Lord, I have no doubt, but He chose to make me walk that path anyhow.  For reason's yet to be seen.

The trip to Georgia:
We left on a Sunday morning just shy of two weeks before her due date.  We had a twelve passenger van loaded down with two parents, three kids, all our luggage and the baby supplies, car seats, and blankets you could need for the first weeks of a babies life.  We were jammed to the brim.  We set off and started to get pretty excited.  My precious daughter was taking videos and pictures to document the trip to later give to baby Malachi (Malachi is what we named him). When we were just two days into what we planned for a 8 day trip, the birth mother let me know that she was in the hospital for pre-term labor and that they were sending her home as she wasn't quite in the "real" labor that they like to see.  We quickly canceled visits with friends and family, and got to Georgia as fast as we could with two children and our little impatient, active, unbelievably adorable, tornado toddler whom we like to call Ethan.  We got to Georgia on a Friday afternoon.  And Malachi was born just a few hours later Saturday morning.

The day of the birth:
Ethan had not been sleeping well the whole trip and had thrown an all out revolt against the pack-n-play (port-a-crib).  So we had been taking turns laying down with him at night in the bed to get him to sleep.  It was the only way he would sleep, even though at home he NEVER slept with us, and never seemed to mind his crib.  The night of the 16th I happened to be the one in the room with Ethan.  I had accidentally brought my phone in the room with me instead of leaving it in the kitchen area (we had an extended stay suite) on the charger.  It was too late now, with Ethan snuggled up next to me, only half asleep.  I just quickly put the phone on silent, so that no text messages woke up Ethan, and dozed off.  I awoke the next morning around 7a.m and took Ethan out to the dining room for breakfast.  I immediately had a thought that said "you better go check your phone".  I ignored it, and moved about my morning.  Then again that thought came, this time much stronger "something is up, GO CHECK YOUR PHONE!".   I literally jumped off the couch and went to the room.  I couldn't believe when it showed three missed calls from the birth mother at 4am.  I KNEW she had given birth.  There was no other reason for her to call at that hour.  I quickly called her back and she let me know he was born sometime after 2am that morning.  I woke Jake up and we got dressed as fast as we could and left for the hospital (my sister had flown in and was there to watch my kids, which was awesome).  We walked into her room and I walked straight over to the bed where she laid. Funny thing, looking back, I didn't look for the baby first.  Just for her.  I laid my hands on her and asked if I could hug her.  She said yes and I did.  Then asked her how she was feeling.  That is when I saw a movement in the corner of my eye.  I turned around and sitting in the room was the birth father holding a little bundle.  She looked at me and said "He just got here a few minutes before you did.  I didn't know he was coming".   The birth father had changed his mind and come after all.  I walked over and said hi to him.  He was breaking and I could tell.  Sure he was holding it together, but he had a death grip on that baby, and fear in his eyes.  But then his demeanor changed and he softened, he had a look of resignation to what he knew was coming, and handed the bundle out to me and said "do you want to hold him?".  I said sure and took Malachi into my arms.  Jake was standing behind me and we both beheld his sweetness.  He was adorable for sure.

I adored him.  But emotionally, and mentally it was hard.  We had an audience of two people.......his parents.  And that made it very hard to cry for joy or bond or open up his swaddle and just take in every part of his precious little newborn self.  So we just held him, took some pictures and made small talk.  After a while, I handed him back to the birth father and we said we would walk out and give them a little time together.  They said that it was OK, and that it wasn't necessary, but we felt like doing it anyhow.  We left for a little while then came back up.  When we came up a hospital social worker was sitting in there with them, asking them questions.  We turned to walk out but the lady said she had some questions for us.  I wont write all this part down, but let me be totally honest and say that this woman, an African American woman, was NOT happy this baby was being adopted out, and was CERTAINLY not happy he was going to a white family.  It was very evident.  She was really hard on us.  The adoption social worker, a totally different one than this hospital worker, that the Birth mother and us were working with even called while I was in there and asked to speak to the hospital social worker (typical protocol) but the hospital social worker refused to speak with her.  Not a good sign. But soon, she kicked us out and wanted to be alone with the Birth mother and father.  When she left 5 minutes later, and we came back in, the BM and BF were beside themselves in tears.  They were sobbing.  It was terrible. We knew the lady had told them things that upset them (later we would find out, just a bit of how awful that lady was to them about the adoption)  Again, when I came in they were kind to me, and they asked me to take the baby in my arms.  I did.  At this point Jake left to go to the hotel to help with Ethan.  I stayed in the room and and BF asked me a few questions, like what was I going to name him, and things like that.  I told him I would send lots and lots of pictures and come visit Georgia when we could.  He cried a lot when I said that, so I just sat quietly.  Before long we were all crying.  All except little Malachi who slept through it all, never once waking the whole time I was there (except for when the nurse came and changed his diaper), staying oblivious the the emotions and decisions surrounding him.  I just wanted to hug them and make it better, but how do you do that when you are the one leaving with their baby?  Hardest. Thing. Ever.  Here was my view for thirty minutes.....BF holding BM as they both wept.(I feel comfortable sharing this as you can see neither of their faces and it is all part of his story).

Finally they both slept while I held Malachi in my arms and rocked him in a rocking chair in the corner of the room.  A while later, maybe an hour, the hospital phone rang.  It was the front desk letting them know that her brother and her oldest son (who was five) were coming up to see them.  I could tell the BM was seeing where this was heading.  She never intended for anyone to get attached, but people who weren't going to come, just kept coming.  Later her mother would come too.  When I knew that all her family was coming up, I put the baby down and let the BM know I would be just downstairs in the cafeteria and to call or text me when they leave and that I would come back up.   She smiled and said OK.  I was in the cafeteria an hour later when I got the text.  As soon as I read the first line I knew.  And I felt the punch in my gut and the wave of nausea.  She had changed her mind.  Well actually her family, namely the BF had changed theirs, and she felt she just had to keep the baby for them,  for their rights to the baby.  I understood.  But I broke.  Right there in that cafeteria, with no one at my side, I wept loudly, uncontrollably and brokenly.  It was awful.  No way around it, it was so dang painful.  I just cried and cried for minutes before I could even call my husband.  I called him and all I could choke out in between sobs was "she's keeping the baby, come get me now".  I stayed and cried for another twenty minutes until my precious husband arrived to pick me up out front.  He held me in the car, and we shared horribly sad, but wonderfully beautiful moments together before we drove off.  He was amazing.  I won't repeat all we said, but one thing he said was "Valerie, we aren't in the business of taking  away children who have families, we are in the business of giving children who need a home a home.  Plain and simple.  He has home.  It's just not us.".  And it was true.  Painfully true. It wasn't us.  I knew God's hand was in it.  I wasn't angry, or confused.  I was just in pain.  I was sad, and I was hurting bad.  The hurt would be worse 20 minutes later when I would sit my precious little girl on my lap and tell her on her twelfth birthday, that her little brother wasn't going to be her little brother.  To watch her heart wrench, and then my precious 9 year old sons' as well, was one of the hardest things ever.  It was just awful.  We all cried as a family, then spoke truth, then prayed.

The aftermath:
My husband decided that since we were only 5 hours from Disneyworld that we would drive to Florida the next day and make a happy memory for the road trip.  Easier said than done.  While we did have a fun time there, we all felt the loss.  But it was a wonderful distraction.  However the distraction ended when we left Florida to drive home.........without a baby.  That was when the grieving began.  It was so hard to drive home. We were all homesick, tired of traveling, and grieving the loss.  When we got home today, we were elated to be home.  But the second we unloaded the baby stuff and saw the nursery, we all started grieving again.  And that is where we are now.  I have talked to the Birth mother once since, and it was a beautiful texting conversation.  She is a beautiful woman, and I love her.  She never meant to hurt us, and it grieves me to hear anyone mad at her for this.  God was in control the whole time, and if he drove us across the country, just to show love to them, then so be it.  We serve Christ, he does not serve us.  Sometimes that means hard things.  And you just got to do them, and walk through them.  He walks with us, for that we are certain.  Although I have never been so sure of my faith in the Lord and of his Sovereign will as I am now, I can still hear and feel the words of the accuser........"God is not good.  Why you?   Why this?  Just go ahead and be angry.....your more used that emotion".  But by the grace of God, and him granting me extra measures of faith, I have been able to withstand those fiery arrows.  I pray it stays that way the entire time I grieve and wait for another match.  Waiting is so hard.  Well, I need to go to bed now.  I pray you will all read this and pray for us, and for the birth family as they raise their four boys.  We will always love Malachi and will pray for him often.....and who knows, maybe one day we will meet him again. We are taking time to be together as a family so if I don't return your calls, or messages back right away, it just means I am healing. 

And then God changed everything....part 3

Part 1
Part 2

So as we waited for Tuesday to arrive, we continued to wait on news from the foster to adopt agency, or from the Lawyer in San Diego.  Neither came by Tuesday morning, so we brought our homestudy, our paperwork, and our check to the Adoption Agency to proceed with this new plan.  We went in, had our meeting, asked some questions, thought a bit more, and dove in.  Then the woman doing the meeting, whom we had not met before in our meetings there with precious adoption of Ethan's, asked who our worker was who matched us with Ethan.  We told her and she said "Oh, she's here, do you want to meet her?"  We said "Of Course!".  A few minutes later the precious woman, *Susan, came in the room.  I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her, and the memories of all our phone calls and prayers over the phone came flooding back to me.  She was such an encouragement to me with Ethan's crazy beautiful adoption.  So after hugging and gushing memories, and introducing her to the kids, she asked "So you're adopting again?".  We said yes, and beamed with new excitement.  Excitement we hadn't felt in a long while.  The other woman in the room, the Lawyer, said, "Oh they are totally ready.  The homestudy is done, they paid their first deposit, they finished the paperwork, they are ready."  Then Susan asked "So you're ready ready? I mean totally ready?"  I answered, "Yep, we are ready!  I mean we have to get things organized and stuff, but we are ready".  Thinking in my mind she is asking like, is our house ready, or are we emotionally ready.  But then she said it.  The eight words that rocked my world..... she said "Because I have a birth mother for you".  I stood stunned for a second.  Sinking in deep what she had really just said.  I literally stood silent for what seemed like an eternity.  It was probably only a few seconds, but I felt like time had slowed.  Did she really just say what I think she said?  I knew they said it would be a quick thing, but 20 minutes after signing the papers???   The same DAY we decided to do this??  I looked at her and asked "Are you serious?"  She said, "Yes, I am.  I am looking for a match for a sweet precious African American woman in Georgia.  She is due in 8 weeks!".  Then Susan said "I will be right back!" and ran and got the file that was sitting on her desk.  We learned more about the birth mother, but new already our answer was yes.  How could it not be?

We did ask some questions like "Are you sure she  is OK with placing her baby with a white family?" and things like that.  She said she would send our file to the Birth Mother and find out her answer soon.  So we waited (ahhhhh waiting......that is adoptions middle name).  We waited a few days and found out she said yes to us.

We praise God for bringing this situation.  For the life of this precious boy.  For the life of his momma and his three brothers.  We know that although we have already talked to this woman and fallen in love with her, and even though we text with her fairly consistently, that this might all not work out.  We could drive to Georgia, and she could change her mind.  She could be changing her mind right now, for all we know.  There are no guarantees in adoption.  We could hold, snuggle, love, feed and praise God for our sweet baby when he is born, and have him for days and someone could still call us up one day, and say, I am sorry, we have to come take the baby now, she wants him back.  And not only would we have to accept that, but we would know she is completely within her rights to do that.  We do not know the future, but we press on towards our plans to drive to Georgia and await the birth of our son.  Will he be healthy?  Will we get to hold him right away, or will we have to wait for a days?  Will she change her mind?  Will she be OK?  None of this is answered in advance for us.  We walk by faith, and not by sight.  We press on, knowing that God is good, and not matter what happens, He saw it before hand and will walk us through it.  I have little confidence in this world, but I have TRUST in my God.  He will be with me.  HE will walk this road with us, as scary and as exciting as it may be, we are not alone.

I'll keep you updated :-)   In the meantime.......would you prayerfully consider helping with the overwhelming financial costs of this adoption?  The program was discounted, praise God, but the interstate adoption agencies and paperwork is NOT.  The travel for us is working out to be quite expensive as well, seeing that we must remain in Georgia for close to a week or longer to wait for the ICPC to be released from Georgia to California, and be accepted by California.  ICPC is a paper that must be received and signed by both state agencies before we can leave Georgia.  This paper alone by the way costs $1000.  Just one piece of paper. 

Some ways to give:
 ~ One way is to buy our fundraising necklace from the Jubilees Jewels .  Our fundraising necklace is called "Every good gift..."  taken from the scripture verse James 1:17
~Another way to give with just one click at our fundraising site on adopttogether.org  which is..
https://www.adopttogether.org/esparzafamily/
~And lastly, if you are crafty, you can donate to our Craft sale!  Do you enjoy making Pinterest creations?  Do you sew, knit, crochet, paint, or make anything else cool that someone might buy?  If so you can message me at sgtswife03@yahoo.com for my address and send me something to sell at my Fundraising sale coming up on Saturday August 3rd.

Thank you so much for your emotional, physical, prayerful, and financial support!

And then God changed everything....part 2

Click here for Part 1

   So here we were, knowing that God had provided a family for this little guy. We were so very glad for him. We even found out later that he went to the wonderful home of a woman in our Christian homeschooling community.  Oh how God is so good.
   But what was God doing?  Was this just a fluke incident, or was God again moving us in a different direction, the way He did with Ethan's adoption?  We really felt He just wanted us to be open.  Open to anything, and to trust Him for the end result.  While these thoughts were fresh on the mind, I opened my email, not more than a few days after hearing that we were not chosen for the sweet Down's baby in LA, to see another email from the lawyer in LA.  He stated that a colleague of his had called him that morning about a baby in San Diego whose mother had been on Methamphetamines.  He asked if we would like our profile sent to them in San Diego to be considered for that baby, and that he would send the file to them as a courtesy to us with no charge.  I called my husband at work, and read the email to him.  He was having an awful day, and was in a lot of pain (pain that lingers still from his back surgery last year).  He didn't like the wording of the email, and wasn't sure at all what that kind of a drug might do to a baby.  He was frustrated that it sounded like they were acting as if it was a "courtesy" to find a family for a baby.  So he quickly said,"No. Just tell him no. We're doing an older child adoption through the county.  This wasn't in our plans.".  I did as he said.  It broke my heart to write it, but I wasn't going to argue, If he wasn't on board, then I wasn't on board.   I could tell my poor husband was having a really tough day.
   The very next evening, my husband and I were reading at the computer, a horrific story of an abortion, and the lives that it affected.  We sort of thought out loud to one another "what if that woman in San Diego was told 'I can't find anyone to adopt your baby' and she went through with an abortion because she thought she didn't have another option?".  We let the weight of that sink in.  He looked at me and said "write the lawyer back and ask him to please send our profile to the colleague in San Diego.  Maybe he will, maybe he wont, let's just leave it for God to decide.".  I wrote him again and asked him to please send our profile and that we had reconsidered.
   A week went by and we heard nothing.  Nothing back from the Lawyer in LA and nothing from the lawyer in San Diego.  We weren't sure if he even ever sent the profile.  I had to admit, we did sound a little wishy-washy by saying so no so quickly, and then changing our minds soon after.  I finally got up the nerve to write him and ask if he would just let us know if he sent it or not.  He wrote back that same day and said that yes, he had in fact sent it, but that we wouldn't hear anything at all unless we were picked.  So we would now just wait.  If we didn't hear anything soon, we would know that she didn't select us, or possibly even changed her mind about the adoption all together.
   As the days ticked by we kept thinking out loud to one another "What is God doing here?  Why are all these babies being put in front of us to consider?  Babies we weren't really thinking about.  Was he wanting us to do a domestic adoption again?  We just kept thinking of these precious babies, so many of which were in danger any given day to the abortion that ever looms in front of their momma's path.  We know all too well how many people desire the deaths of the ones who aren't "wanted" or those who come at very unfortunate times.  We know how hard Ethan's birth momma struggled against the doctors, and nurses who literally screamed at her to abort Ethan. She was six months along when she found out she was pregnant with him. She saw him on an ultrasound the day she found out.....it was her courage, and more than likely that ultrasound that saved his life. Of course we know that God was ultimately in control, and watching over our precious son.  How she held her ground at that hospital, with all the pressure and verbal abuse she endured with no one at her side to defend her and our little Ethan hidden in her womb, is an absolute miracle.  ahhhh I digress..... where was I?  Oh yes, what was God doing? Or was this just us doing something.  Maybe we were just suckers for hearing about children in need.
   We decided to call our foster to adopt agency and ask more questions about what we could do to speed things along.  We asked  for them to search diligently for some children for us to at least consider, and look at the files.  We sort of wanted them to move things along before we did something crazy ;-)  In the meantime we had been calling social workers about children we were finding on the computer on sites like AdoptUsKids.org or  HeartGalleryof America.org, but either the workers never called us back or when they did the children were already adopted, or had severe issues on our "no-go" list.  But we were looking.
   The next day my husband and I were talking and he said "I wonder if ANLC is doing the African American Fee Reduction Program again?".  ANLC is the same agency we went through with Ethan.  They were amazing to work with, and with our wait with Ethan being only 48 hours after finishing their profile paperwork (2 months total from signing on to getting matched.  But only 48 hours after completing the profile), we were pretty darn satisfied.  Well when Ethan was 5 months old they contacted us about a special program in which you adopt at a greatly reduced price, because they are specifically looking for families for babies who are "hard to match".  These babies at the time were Black/African American babies. They had a large number of African American women who were willing to place their babies, but not enough families on their files willing to adopt non-white babies.  Some were willing to adopt Hispanic, and Asian, but not Black. When we received that email when Ethan was five months old, we honestly considered it, as we had always been open to any race, but finally realized we could not do it with all of Ethan's needs at the time.  He was a VERY needy baby when he was little, and still is in many ways.  Fast forward to this day and my husband wonders if they are having this program available.  I sort of shrugged my shoulders and said "Well they might.  I'm not sure.  Should we call and ask?"  He says yes, and so I call that day.  I was so nervous dialing that number!!!  I just kept thinking "What am I doing?!?!?!?!  We aren't going to do another infant adoption!!", but I kept dialing anyway.  Driven for some odd reason just to find out.  I guess the babies in LA and San Diego had done something to me.  Or maybe I was ovulating at the time, ha! Whatever it was, something was softening both of our hearts to being open to doing another domestic adoption.  I talked to the supervisor and asked about the African American Fee Reduction Program.  They said that they did indeed have the program currently running and were in great need of families willing to adopt these precious babies.  I told her my situation, and that we were currently doing Foster to Adopt, I even told her that I had NO CLUE what I was doing on the phone with her, because we weren't doing another domestic infant adoption :-)   We decided to schedule an informational meeting for a week later exactly.  That would land us on a Tuesday.  We decided together, Jake and I, that if we didn't hear back from the woman in San Diego, or from the Foster to Adopt agency, or from the social workers who we had contacted about children on the websites, then we would consider signing on with ANLC on Tuesday.  And so we waited for Tuesday to come and God to show us what to do.......
Part 3 (the very end I promise!!!) tomorrow!

And then God changed everything.... Part 1

I am marveling over the fact that I am about to write the miraculous story of our second adoption, when I still have yet to write all the miracles surrounding Ethan's adoption!  That is sort of frustrating, and I am sorry it is all going to be a bit out of order, but I will write tonight about the story of how we were matched with this precious little one, and then another day soon, I will write more about how it all happened with Ethan (especially his birth story which is AMAZING!).  Until then though, this is the story of Malachi James.

As many know, for the past 11 months we have been pursuing an adoption through Foster to Adopt.  Jake and I adored our experience with Ethan, and it was mightily blessed by God. We couldn't believe he shifted us from our international adoption with South Korea, to an infant adoption in California, something that we swore we would never do.  God has his own plan however, and we are so glad he does!!  Ethan is a delight, and a bright shiny light on any and all dark days. However, even though we had an amazing experience with him, and the agency the Lord led us to to adopt him from, we decided not to pursue another domestic infant adoption for several reasons.  One, was that we just couldn't afford another domestic infant adoption.  Two, was that we do have a passion for siblings, and for older children.  Of course we love babies, but doesn't everyone?  We thought for sure that doing older kids, possibly siblings, was the way to go for our next adoption.  Not to mention, it is a free adoption when you adopt through the state. We briefly considered international adoption, but knew straight away that this would not suite our family and where we were at, and again, financially, it just wasn't possible.
   So we started our homestudy officially last September with an agency that works hand in hand with the counties.  This homestudy was our longest one ever.  The agency we went through was a delightful little office, with warm and friendly women.  But they were sincerely understaffed, so everything took twice as long as it should have.  We completed our homestudy officially in March, after a long 6 months of interviews, paperwork, fingerprinting, and well....more interviews and paperwork! When we completed the Homestudy, we honestly thought children would quite literally be thrown at our door.  We prepared the house, the beds, our hearts, and our kids.  And we waited.  And waited.  And waited.  Nothing.  Not even a call.  We stayed in contact with our matching coordinator and she let us know that she was trying but there just weren't that many kids who met our criteria.  Say what?? We were open to special needs, older kids, siblings, and children with learning disabilities for crying out loud. Wasn't this the description of all the kids in desperate need of homes?  But what she was having trouble with was not the things we were open to, but the things we were not.  Things like children who act out sexually towards other children (due to prior sexual abuse). We just couldn't have that with having three other young children in the home.  Another thing that we decided was a "no go", were children who acted out very violently to other children and animals.  Our concern wasn't as much for our 11 and 9 year old, but more for little Ethan, who at a year and a half, is pretty defenseless. One other thing that we had said was that we were open to a level 1, 2, and 3, risk, but not 4 or 5.  In Foster lingo those numbers represent the "risk" of that child being returned to the custody of the parents. Level 1 are children whose parents have lost their rights, and are awaiting families and free to adopt (these are very rare for many reasons). Level 2 means that the children in this category have a high likelihood of NOT being returned to the parents, and are very close to being free to adopt. Level 3 are children they think will more than likely not be returned to the parents, but they have not determined for sure yet.   While we try to have respect for the system and how it works (although we do have some qualms, we know we are not experts either), we didn't feel comfortable with Fostering alone, so levels 4 and 5 were out.  We felt very passionate about adopting a child waiting for a forever family. And lastly, we were not open to children older than Jacob's age of 9, as he was passionate about keeping his birth order and not wanting children older than him.  We really wanted to honor that for him.
   What we were hearing from the agency, was that there were plenty of children who didn't act out sexually, but they were violent.  And there were plenty of non-violent children, but thy acted out sexually.  And there were some who had neither of those issues, but they were older than 9.  And some that fit all of those, but they were a level 4 or 5, meaning that they were likely to return to their original homes shortly.    We were discouraged, but not disheartened.  We figured all it would take was some time and some prayer, and the Lord would bring whom he wanted into our family when He felt the time was right.
   In the meantime, one day while I was doing homeschool with the children, I get a message from a dear friend asking if I saw the baby on Facebook available for adoption. She had heard about the child on the Facebook page of a woman in our homeschool group.  I was not "Facebook Friends" with that woman, although I knew her from the homeschool get togethers.  So I "friend requested" her so that I could learn more.  Just out of curiosity.  A few days later she accepted my friend request and I scanned through her posts to find the one about the baby.  I found it.  All it said was that there was a baby born in LA with Down Syndrome and that the parents wanted to place the baby for adoption. The adoptive parents would have to homestudy ready and live in California.  I read it a second time, and thought...."hmmmm".   My husband passed by me at the computer a few hours later and I said "We wouldn't really consider adopting a baby with Downs Syndrome right now would we?".  He looked at me and said "Why wouldn't we?".  I said " ummm, well, it's a life long commitment, and we are pursuing siblings through the foster care system, so that's why I thought maybe we wouldn't".  I then told him about the baby I had read about, and he asked me to write the woman in the contact area of the post to get more information.  I did.  And we waited.  She got back to us about 5 days later and said all she had was an email for a lawyer, and that if we wanted to be considered for the baby, then we were to send our homestudy/profiles, to the Lawyer.  I asked my husband that night if we should do it, and he said "Let's talk about it in the morning".  That's what I get for asking late at night ;-)   The next morning came and as I awoke and wiped the sleep out of my eyes, I saw my husband getting his Army boots on while readying for work.  I said "So what are we thinking?"  He had his back to me at the time and said "Well, it's a life time commitment.  I know full well all that a Down's diagnosis entails" (his little brother has Down Syndrome).  He continued... "I know it would be hard and he would need care for life, but I don't think God is going to let me retire to the easy life anytime soon, so I might as well be doing that.  And truly, if we were ever going to do anything that flew in the face of what this world says is good and valuable, and what this world says is not,  it would be this.   Send our profile, let's leave it in Gods hands.  If we get picked, he was meant for us, if not, then he wasn't".  And so I did.  That morning.  A few days later I got an email in reply from the Lawyer letting us know that they Birth Family had narrowed down the options to three families and that we were not one of the three.  We had complete peace about it knowing that we had trusted the Lord for the decision from the get go, so we praised the Lord that he would have a home soon.
Come back tomorrow for Part 2

Homestudies and patience.

Homestudy  :A three-part process required before a child can be placed with a family for foster care or adoption:

 I still cannot believe that the last time I was on here we were starting yet another homestudy journey.  It has been 7 months since then and we ARE STILL WAITING to finish.  This is by far the LONGEST homestudy we have ever done.  Partially it is because we are doing Foster to Adopt, and partially it is due to the fact that we went through a small organization that is a sort of middle man, or go-between if you will, for the County.  We really wanted to avoid dealing too much with the county directly, so this organization has been worth the wait.  They are small and understaffed, hence the extreme length of time it has taken to finish the homestudy.  We are however, nearing the end.  It looks like we will be receiving phone calls and looking at the files of precious children in just a few short weeks.  This will be the hardest part.  Looking and reading files of children after children after children, all who need a home, all who need mommies and daddies, all who need to know the love of Christ.  How do you pick just one?  Or just two?  I guess the answer is you don't.  We are praying so hard (would you join me in this prayer?) that God would make it very obvious whom he has for us.  I know the children that are meant to be with us will be with us, but I also know I might fret just a tad if I loose that focus.  So I pray that before I can fret about which children we are to bring home, that God would say "these are the ones I have for you". 
   After they come into our home, there will be a huge time of adjustment for everyone.  I am sure I don't have to tell you the absolute fear and confusion a child goes through every time they have to transition to a new home and family, both of which they are unfamiliar with.  And we ourselves will have to adjust to the logistics of more children as well as the emotional strain of trying to care for their fragile little hearts.  But this we are assured of; that God will prepare us when we are in need.  I believe with all my heart I am not prepared right at this moment for all that will be required of us as we continue adopting, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God WILL grant us all we need when we need it.  I was not prepared to be a mom at 19 when I was alone and unmarried, but God in his mercy granted me wisdom, and love and devotion every day that I needed it to be her mother.  I was also not prepared for all the challenges of marriage either, but in the mercy that is new every morning I learn how to be a wife to Jake.  I say this to show you that the power to commit ourselves to love and good works does not come from us.  It comes from the Holy Spirit in us.  He calls us to things, and we think "no way!  I am totally not able to do that".  No we are not, but He is!  And He lives in us, and greater is He that is in us, than he that is in the world!
    Everyday that Jake and I feel the joy of knowing, this is what we are meant to do (even with a bit of fear and trepidation in the back of our minds), we also feel a grieving that "the harvest is plentiful but the workers are few".  Where are the workers?  There is so much to do.  And I am not referring only to cause of the Orphan. *Sigh* but this is a topic for another day.
    The Lord is awakening our hearts and minds to the great need around us.  Almost like we are seeing it for the first time.  It is wonderful, exhilarating, terrifying, and almost sad.  Wonderful because we are ready to serve, we are ready to love, we are ready to say YES to our King.  Exhilarating and terrifying because it is a scary thing sometimes to say YES to God and not be in control of what he will ask (can I get an Amen?).   And finally it is sad.  Sad to realize how many years of following Christ we followed him selfishly.  We didn't want to care about the things He cared about.  We didn't want to love the unlovable, or even have more children.  We are also sad to see just how many Christians live exactly the same way, unwilling to stop being pampered and entertained (as we have come to the conclusion that that is how we were/and often still are), and not wanting to step out and do the things that God has prepared for all Christians to do.   Let's remember that our life is a breath, a vapor, and that there is much much much to be done.

While we wait,
Valerie

Ethan, Adoption, and Updates.

Hello sweet bloggy world,

Sometimes I still cannot believe how long I go without blogging these days.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I care less and less about the "issues" I used to be so passionate about and more and more find that I just love simply being a mom.  My three sweeties bless me tremendously.  They also grow me, stretch me, frustrate me, and mirror me.  Which in general wears me out.   But I absolutely don't want to be or do anything else except serve God, and raise these little ones.

Speaking of little ones, Ethan has his final court date for his adoption coming up soon.  His adoption was complete the moment we knew he would be ours, but the state likes to have it's say so Ethan is "officially" ours on October 3rd.  What a fun day that will be.  Do you think I will cry???  Maybe just a bit ;-)

And speaking of adoption, I am happy to announce that my sweet man and I, with much prayer and trepidation, have decided to adopt again come February.   We are very nervous and very excited.  But mostly nervous.  We are truly wanting to be in Gods will and I have to say, this is a scary decision for us.  We have decided to adopt older children, through the foster system.  And more than likely we will be adopting siblings.  Is this scary?  Heck yes!  Are we aware of the great needs these children will have, and the great turmoil that will enter our home?  Possibly.   But are we also aware that God makes all things new, and will use even the hardest of times to grow and benefit our family. Yes, God works all things together.  We think this is a good time to do it.  We have a house, a stable job, older children who are now a bit more mature and capable to handle some of the harder issues that come with adopting older children, and we have a baby who will never remember a bit of it :-)

Anyhow, Jake and I have been so blessed and so stressed as of late.  Blessed in more ways than I can mention and stressed because we have been letting things and feeling get in the way of our walk with the Lord.  We have been working through marriage issues, parenting issues,  forgiveness, communication, and our love languages.  And I am so happy to finally be seeing the fruits of the labor.  God is at work in us and in our marriage, and I am so grateful for that.  May we never stop growing.  I know what it's like to just stay stagnant, and not "feel" my need for the Lord.  It's not a good place.  But through our stresses we  have been brought to our knees in our great need for HIM to help pick up all the pieces.  IT is precious to watch the Lord do it.   I think the thing I love the most about Christ our Lord is that He isn't afraid of, nor does he shy away from, our messy messy lives.  He dives right in, and speaks truth.  Love his GRACE!

We would love to keep all of you up to date on our new adoption journey.  We even have a sibling group in mind as of now, and will contacting their social worker next week  to see if we can start visiting them and getting to know them over the next few months until we are ready to get everything started again for the adoption.  We are praying (and I hope you will join us in praying!) that the Lord will select the children he has for our family and that we would follow HIS lead and not our hearts.

May he bless you this day!

Love this baby.

Ok seriously, this baby is far too cute, and far too sweet.  We are all so blessed to have him.  Each of my children were such miracles, such blessings, and such a joy (despite the fact that I somehow landed three of the worst sleepers ever, but who's keeping track of that?).  But there is something to be said for the feeling you have when you have received something that was so long awaited for. My verse that describes this is  Proverbs 13:6 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.   My heart was sick each month that I realized that God was not going to cure my barren womb.  My hope was lost in a way.  And although only true hope, true joy, and true happiness comes from the Lord, He is using this sweet baby to bring a tree of life (hope and joy) again to this Momma.  Ethan was born to us January 29th, but was grown in our hearts for years prior to his birth.  He is everything we could have hoped for.  And everything we don't deserve.  Jake and I are not "deserving" parents.  Our walk is not always very strong, we bicker and argue, we are sometimes very immature and ungrateful.  YET the Lord saw fit to bless us again.  This, THIS my friends is what blows us away.   We have had our challenges, of that be sure.  Ethan came with some minor but chronic health issues, he is terrible teether and sleeper, the debt we owe for the adoption is not a fun thing to think about, or pay off either.  Our fairly "easy" life prior to Ethan has been blown to bits.  We can't go anywhere without frantically yelling for one another to grab a bottle, or diaper, bib, or pacifier while trying to get out the door without forgetting one of Ethan's "essentials"  :-)    We don't sit quietly in church anymore with our two older children by our side, we now bounce a baby, feed a baby, or walk to the back to sway him in our arms.   Date nights are harder now as far few people sign up to watch the two kids PLUS the cranky teething drooling non-sleeping baby  ;-)   
But I would not trade a THING, and we know exactly what the Lord was up to.  Ease, comfort, security, normalcy, these are words that I am convinced are not in our Lords vocabulary.  He loves to shake things up!  And I for one am glad that he does.  We love our family and Ethan has grown us all so much closer.

Every child is a gift, no matter when they are born or to whom they are born to.  Embrace what God calls a blessing and jump on board to see why!

Sweetness update.

Our new little sweet one is doing great.  We are all, children included, still in awe that God gave us this precious little gift.  Adoption is so inspiring because God takes what would be disastrous, what would be impossible, and makes it not only possible, but beautiful and redeemed.  Ethan is a gift, of that we are all aware.

As some of you know, Ethan had a little rough start.  Nothing major, but he did have sleep problems (possibly due to the very strong muscles relaxers the birth mom was on), chronic ear infections, stomach problems, and a pretty intense milk protein allergy.  

He still doesn't sleep great, but he is doing soooo much better.  He is not as restless and no longer wakes  3 minutes (on the dot!) after laying him down.  He even sleeps in his crib now!  He doesn't need to be rocked all the time anymore and is happy just laying down for bed and being patted on his back until he falls asleep. We don't let him "cry it out" but that's just our personal family decision.

As far as eating goes, he was doing "ok" on his very expensive hypoallergenic baby formula, but as of yesterday is now on a homemade raw goats milk formula.  He seems to be doing amazing on that!  I pray these results continue.  He is also teething and drooling buckets while eating his fist and fingers every chance he gets.  It's adorable.

We just love him soooooo much!  There are times however that I do look at all the diapers and formula and sleepless nights and strollers and schedules and think "I had it soooo easy before him", but just as quickly as that thought comes, God speaks to me the love that has been brought into our house because of him.  He has even brought "peace".  I know that only Christ can bring peace, but in this case he used a tiny little adopted infant to bring it to us.  Who wants to fight around a baby?  It's really true.  God has spoken volumes through this little one.  My husband for instance always knew it was his job to lead the family.  He loved teaching our older two.  But as our children become more independent, he/we sometimes got too busy with other things.   It became easy to think "they are doing fine".   The baby is a loud reminder that this "children in training" thing isn't ending anytime soon.  He has sparked a fire in both my husband and I to remain diligent in training our children in the way they should go.  And lovingly sharing our hearts with them while they are still young because they grow OH SO FAST!

It saddens me sometimes when I hear people talk of how much work children are (which they are!!!) and why they aren't having anymore because they like their independence (which I can sooo relate!), but what they are failing to realize is how much these hard little ones force us to rely upon God for our strength, for our sleep, for our daily bread!  They remind us this life is not about us.  They teach us to number our days because as you watch a little one grow you realize how fast it flies!  These little ones ground us to our homes, the exact thing feminists say is wrong and evil, is what God works together for our good!   Being home gives me time to love my husband and children, to provide healthy meals from home instead of fast food being eaten in the car on our way to another "thing".  Being home gives me time to be in the word, even if I am holding a tired infant in the other arm.

OK enough for now :-)   Blessing to all of you and I will update again soon.  Hopefully next time I will report what a GREAT SLEEPER Ethan is ;-)

I'm back!

WOW, that was a crazy roller coaster of a time.  These last 9 weeks have been trying!  But I am back now, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  I have learned so much lately, all the sleeplessness, worry about the baby, and breakdowns have all been worth it.

I should say first off, thank you to any of you who prayed for me or Ethan, or both of us.  Ethan is doing soooooo much better, and the off flow of that is I AM DOING better too :-)

It turned out that not only was he having digestive issues, but also continual ear infections.    We first found out about his ear infections by chance at the doctors office several weeks ago.  We had no clue!  We had not even suspected ear infections for his pain, since he showed so many signs that it was his tummy.  And although his tummy did (and sometimes still does) hurt, I am certain his double ear infection hurt far worse.   We did ten days of antibiotics.  I assumed it went away but when we took him back he still had fluid behind both ears and one ear was still very infected.  So now we are on a much stronger antibiotic which really really seems to be helping.  Bless his little heart!

He is letting his precious beautiful little personality come out now, and finally feels well enough to flash us a smile from time to time.  He is just wonderful.  He is also letting me sleep a bit more at night, which is helping me face our days with much more gusto!

I really slipped into a depression there for a little while.  I guess it was a mix between my hormones being off ( I had to go off my bio-identical hormone therapy while breastfeeding), not coping with stress well, lack of sleep, and sadly......lack of prayer and being in the Word.

The baby stopped breastfeeding several weeks ago (he just wouldn't do it anymore, he would scream when I put him to the breast, he just far preferred the bottle since my milk was decreasing), so I went back on my bio-identical hormone therapy.  Also, I am making it a point to comfort myself with prayer, and the bible, rather than TV or sugar.  Speaking of sugar, I am taking the 30 day no sugar challenge!  We are super excited (it's always funny when your super excited the first couple of days! ha!)
So  that is pretty much the things going on in this house.  We are learning to adjust, and just dwell in the moment of loving one another.  I leave you with this precious picture to show how much better sweet little one is getting......

Newborn Daze.

I've been in a fog.  A wonderful, exciting, sweet, sleepless, slightly stressful, newborn fog.  I tell you, that as much as I had tried to prepare for the changes that were coming, I don't think I could have prepared for the reality of what a newborn brings to a home.  "But you have two children already?"  You ask.  Yes, but my youngest is almost 8 and I think 7 years is just about the cut off for remembering what it was like when he was a newborn :-)
Soooooo we have adjusted.  We are barely coming out of the "holding baby 24/7, up all night, messy house, hot dogs for dinner, cereal for breakfast" fog.  Every phase of the life of a child is special, and when they are brand spanking new is no exception.  It's magical,  It's wonderful, it's a blessing!   But it's work, and it takes adjusting to.  Hence, the reason I have only posted 3 times in the almost 5 weeks since he's been born.

So, to update, I can say that Ethan is amazing.  He's hard work, but he's just about the cutest thing to happen to us since my last was born.  We just love snuggling him.  We have sort of hibernated since he has come.  We haven't been out much (except to go to church), and I really miss my friends.  But I am keenly aware that there are seasons in life, and this is my season to be home, missing out on a few fun things, to savor the briefness of this newborn time.  Plus I look like a mix between Medusa and the Wicked Witch of the West.  So I partially believe I am doing society a favor by staying indoors.  lol

Ethan is now finally growing out of newborn diapers, and into his cloth diapers (my first time cloth diapering! yay for me).  He is also starting to sleep better at night.  He still has a bad night here and there (such as last night), but for the most part it only wakes at 10pm, 1am, 4am and 7am.  If your thinking that doesn't seem so great, you should compare that to the nights that he was up every hour, for an hour.  That was tough stuff.

As far as Breastfeeding goes, well....it goes.  I am trying to breastfeed as often as possible.  It's a very long story but as of right now I am trying to increase my milk supply back to what it once was (I was producing a lot at the very beginning) which seems to be working.  The only problem is, and it's a big problem is now Ethan HATES to breastfeed.  He just loves the bottle.  Darn that evil bottle!  When I put him to the breast he just squirms and cries, then drinks a few seconds, then squirms and cries, then drinks a few second, and so on.  I know I have at least an ounce to offer because I get engorged and when I pump (which is not very often), I can sometimes get an ounce, or more.  More or less.  Soooo we are trying.  I am drinking a fabulous tea for feeding mothers, I am trying to stay hydrated, and I am taking several Fenugreek tablets a day.  So that's what's going on with that.

What else needs updating???

Oh yes, the Birth Mother.  Sandy is doing well.  She was discharged a few weeks after the birth of Ethan, and then ended up back in the hospital for a few days two weeks ago.  I talked to her yesterday, and she seems to be doing good, emotionally and physically.

Prayer requests (if you feel led )  
~For Ethan's Cold, breathing, and breastfeeding issues
~For My husband and I to continue to listen to God on whether or not to do Domestic adoption like we did with Ethan, or Foster/Adopt, or international.  We are pretty certain we will adopt again as soon as we are allowed (when Ethan turns 1 they let you start paperwork again).  We just don't know which adoption to do.  We need guidance from God on that..
~For my hormones to stabilize and continued health and nutrition in order to stay on top of my thyroid dysfunction and hormone imbalance

whoops baby is crying, gotta  run.  no time for spell or grammar checks.  forgive me  :-)

Ethan.

So sorry to keep you all in suspense.  I have had such a glorious last 10 days!  But I am awfully tired, and very very busy with my little bundle of joy.  I seem to have very little time to get on the internet at all these days.  But I wouldn't miss these precious newborn days for anything!  They grow way too fast!  Anyhow, I can't wait to write a nice big blog post very very soon, but as it is, I am sneaking one here secretly as my husband watches the baby so I can nap *shhhhhhhh*

He's so sweet  :-)

But he'd be none too happy if he found out he watched the baby so that I could hope on the blog.... hahahaha

The short version is Ethan is precious, sweet, and perfect.  He is doing AMAZINGLY!  And so is Sandy.  I love him to pieces, and could not love him more, were he born of my own body.  I just can't get over him!  He's amazing.  *sigh*

I have been able to bond with him so much and I can honestly say, I have not left him for one moment since he was born!  Amazing the miracles that God has worked to make that happen.  Our Father is soooo good and hears all our prayers!

May he bless all of you in your day.  Now I'm off to go nap ;-)

Welcome home Ethan.

I cannot wait to post all sorts of wonderful, beautiful, miraculous, details.  But as of right now, I am running on about 4 hours total since Sunday......sooooo......it will have to wait.  Until then, here are some pictures of our precious new son!   Ethan was born Sunday at 7:33pm and weighed 6lbs 6oz.  19 1/4 in. long.

Definitely Sunday.

I am so excited to say that it will be definitely be Sunday.  They will be inducing her in the morning (rumor has it) so hopefully we will see our new son by evening.  I am praising God for the miracle of two things specifically (although there is plenty more to praise him about).

1~ That God heard our prayers and answered them by putting Sandy in the hospital to be taken care of.  This definitely saved her life and the life of our son.  God always hears and takes care of his people.

2~ That I am having success with induced lactation!  It's amazing to watch as my body produces milk (albeit very very small amounts so far) with no baby yet to even drink it!  My friend lovingly quipped "Praise God from who all blessings flow ".  So funny.  Now every time I hear that I laugh.

I am still praying for Sandy and for the birth father.  She will need, as I said before, several surgeries before she can be released from the hospital.  But more than that, much more than that, I am praying for her heart, and mental stability.  I know she will have a hard time with this.  Both in her heart and in her mind.  I know the Birth Father will not make it easy either.  He is on board with the adoption, but very vocal about his heartbreak.  I know he will remind her all too often.  There are so many things about her situation that break my heart.  They go far beyond this adoption.  Please, don't stop praying for her.  I won't.   I know I won't.  Also pray for her other children.

Anyhow, hopefully by Sunday or Monday I will have pictures to post.   :-)  God is good.

The 29th.

Sweet Birth mom is still in the hospital.  Probably will be for some time after she gives birth.  The OB Doctors have decided definitively NOT to induce, irregardless of her medical state or medications, until her 39th week.  We know that she will likely not go into labor on her own due to muscle relaxers.  SOOOOO Sunday the 29th should be the BIG day.   :-)  Please pray for little Ethan to be healthy and strong, and be able to be released from the hospital as soon as possible.

This is a quick update, but it's all the info I can spare to write.  Thank you all for following this journey with us.  We are loving what God is doing in us through adoption.  He is so good to us.

ICU

I don't have a whole lot of time to post, but here is the short short version.  Sandy was admitted to the hospital, not for labor, but for flu like symptoms.  She was then discovered to have several other medical serious health issues.  I was with her all through the night and into this morning.  I finally came home to rest and pick up my kids.  She is showing some labor like symptoms, but not enough to keep her in Labor and Delivery.  She has been transferred to the ICU.  The baby, when he comes, will be transferred directly to the NICU due to the mothers health and drugs (medicines).  We may or may not be allowed access to the baby until he is discharged from the hospital due to the hospitals unique stringent adoption regulations..  If he goes in Sandy's room, then I will be able to see him and bond with him, as Sandy has said that would be fine.  Pray for safety of Sandy and Ethan, and that Ethan will stay only a quick time in NICU and then be released to us.
Thank you sweet precious Sisters!

Dilated...

This is oh so hard to fathom, but it is true.  They finally checked her yesterday, and the baby is head down, facing correctly, low in the canal, she is spotting and three centimeters dilated.  AND THEY SENT HER HOME.   :-(     <-----  that sad face times 1000.

I cannot go into too many details because of the privacy of this precious birth mother, but I can tell you that we were both just sick to our stomachs when they insisted we leave and come back in another week.  She is scared.  So am I.  They even had the nerve to pat her on the back as we were leaving and say "well you should go into labor any day now, make sure you call 911".

The story gets from bad to worse, when I finally met with the labor and delivery social worker.  It was a horrible meeting.  She called me a "non-parent" and said I shouldn't expect to hold the baby or touch the baby, for DAYS, unless the baby is in the room with the birth mother and the birth mother says I can.

seriously?

I know *Sandy will let me , but Sandy didn't want to spend a lot of time with the baby, for fear of attachments.  So they told her, that the baby would have to be with her, or in a nursery (without me).  Sandy's instincts kicked in and in a way of protecting the baby from being in the nursery for two days with neither mother, she said the baby needs to be in her room the whole time.  She has told me to be in the room with her too.  But oh man, so hard!  To bond with the baby, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER while I watch her try not to, is just going to break our hearts.  Why are people so difficult???  This social worker could have easily said, "you know what, we have your legal paperwork, I have spoken to both of you and know both of your desires, and once we have the AD22, we will have no problem accommodating your requests".  But no.  She had to call the shots.  I am all for leaving it to the birth mom and the legal paperwork.  I will in no way to go around that.  But the birth mom says that I am the mom and says she wants to see the baby, hold the baby, and then give the baby to me and be done.  They are now forcing her to bond for two days.  I am hoping my agency will get there and straighten this all out.

Anyhow.  At this point, I am not sure if I have to worry about this hospital at all.  Sandy is 3 cm dilated, dropped, and feels yucky.  She will NOT make it to her next Thursday appointment.  So it looks like she will be delivering at home (if they can get her legs open.  They are almost stuck in a closed position.  she would need assistance), or in an ambulance (if she can call in time) or at her local hospital in the Desert.

Would it sound redundant to as for prayer again?

She is in God's hands.  Ethan is in God's hands.  I MUST remember this always.  God will win.  No one else.  Whatever his will is, pray that I would accept it.   Also, I am trying to induce lactation so that I can feed and bond with the baby, can you pray that I will be able to produce milk for my little guy?  Thank you sweet ones!

The appointment.

Hello sweet people!   I (again)  am sorry it has been so long between posts, but I just have so little to update.  Nothing has "happened" yet.  We have a big doctors appointment tomorrow.  I say big because they might ACTUALLY do something tomorrow that results in some sort of appropriate health care for this precious woman.  We have had a REALLY frustrating struggle getting this hospital's Maternal Fetal unit to treat this woman as her needs demand.  It has been a super big mystery to me, my family, and several doctors I have talked to outside of this hospital, as to why they are not treating her as most pregnant high risk wheel chair-bound women are treated.  They have not done an ultrasound, they have not checked her wounds (she has two severe wounds/ulcers/bedsores), they have not checked her cervix, they have not given her a plan for delivery (either c-section OR induction).  The last time we were there for an appointment we waited 3 HOURS  just to be taken back to the appointment.  It was beyond NOT OK.  Then they again did nothing, medically speaking.  They asked her the same questions they had asked before....."do you have other children? when were they born?  Was it vaginal or C-section?".  I finally just said for them to look on her chart,  because they asked us these same exact questions last time.  I got a little perturbed  when again they were ready to finish the appointment without discussing the delivery, or checking her, or giving an ultrasound.  We were told twice she would be given one and each appointment they changed their minds.  Why?  I have no idea.  But after pushing and reiterating how dangerous going into labor at home will be for this woman, which of course they already know, they finally agreed to check her cervix and do an ultrasound at the NEXT appointment.  That next appointment is tomorrow.  Yes, they made her next appointment, in her third trimester, three weeks apart.  GRRRRRRRRRRRR.

 *breath*

Anyhow, we are really looking forward to having some answers tomorrow for her.  This poor woman just wants to be done with this whole thing.  She has been such a trooper.  I am so proud of her.  I have never met a person who had a harder, more emotionally painful life, than this woman.  She has been amazing through all of this.   Now, the scary part is that she told me today that she is feeling "weird" and sort of "sickly" and out of breath.  She is also feeling a sort of "pressure".  She is mostly numb and cannot really feel "pain" or tightening, but can sense the pressure internally.  When she has trouble breathing, that often means she is having Braxton Hicks contractions.  I am sooooooo hoping she does not go into labor tonight.  It would be a terrible situation.  One that they would survive, only by the Grace and Miraculous power of God.  I will update all of you on how the appointment goes tomorrow.  We are hoping she is dilated so that they will have to keep her there and not send her home.  That way she will be well taken care of.  

On a good note, my home group from church raised $805.00 for her!  YAY!  We are hoping to buy her several medical supplies soon, and maybe some treats as well. :-)

Until then!

Getting simpler.

Things have been getting simpler as of late.  Although there are still many things that are "complicated", several hard decisions have been made for us recently.  One of the things I asked in the previous post for, was for prayer covering around some hard decisions we were having to make.  One of those decisions came to us when we found out that the birth mother's other son was placed for adoption through the state Foster Care system.  We were distraught over the thought of this little one (five years old) who has been in foster care since he was one year old, being put up for adoption finally and having his current foster family place him back into the system because they did not want to adopt him.  This is a five year old, that I knew to have at least 4 homes (that I know about) in his short little life.  Jake and I started praying and discussing adopting him, if the county would let us.  But then, a week later, we found out that the county had already found him a forever family that was willing to adopt him, and he had gone to live with them.  Although all of this was greatly distressing to the birth mother (she was really hoping to convince the courts to give him back to her), we were relieved that he would finally have a permanent home life.  So the decision was made for us.
 Another distressing complicated decision we have had lately has been "how much" to take care of Sandy.  So far, I have offered her my listening ear, my friendship, my love, a little bit of money towards groceries, transportation to her doctors appointments, and my Mom has generously decided to hire a care giver 3-4 times a week to come in and cook for Sandy, bathe her, change her clothes, clean, and prep meals for her that are available for her on the days that she (the caregiver) is not there.  I have wanted to do more though.  Sandy's roommate/baby's daddy/ "caregiver" is truly taking advantage of her.  I want her to stand for herself, to stand up to this man who takes her money and gives her almost no care at all.  But as of now, it is up to Sandy, and I have decided to just pray for that situation.  She needs to be the one to make that decision, I cannot do it for her.  The mother in me wants to protect her, but I can't.  Until the point comes that more needs to be done, all I can do is love.  I pray that I can do that well.

She is now in 33 weeks pregnant and the baby should be coming in the end of January.   Please please please continue to pray that she DOES NOT go into labor at home.  AS I have stated before, this can and very likely would be, a life and death situation for her and for the baby.   I cannot wait to post pictures of our precious new SON!  What a beautiful, blessed day that will be.  But another wonderful day I hope to see is the day this woman who has seen very little love in her life, accepts THE ONE who IS love.  The day she accepts the love and forgiveness of her awesome Heavenly father will be a great and glorious day indeed!

   Until then, I am busy tending to the needs of my precious two at home, my husband who sometimes needs just as much care ;-), and trying to help assist Sandy in her life as well.  I am so thankful to each and every one of you who read this blog and who commit to praying for us, our new son, and the precious lost birth mother.

update.

I am wondering if all my blog posts for the next few months will be entitled "updates"?  It seems I am lacking the time and heart energy to devote myself to blogging temporarily due to the great needs that are surrounding me.  This is good.  Oh so good.  I tend to be a self focused person, so focusing on the needs of others (i.e. training my children, homeschooilng, trying to find a way to take care of the basic human needs of "Sandy") is what God knew I needed.  Sometimes I lack showing any good fruit that the Lord has to trans-plant a bud right there on my branch so all I have to do is watch it grow.

So the update is the birth mom is still being denied so much of what she needs to live even a decent quality of life.  I have been praying for help for her, as I am aware there is only so much I can physically do.  I prayed and God has brought some amazing people in answer to that prayer.  My Mom has been deeply moved and very disturbed and Sandy's way of life.  My mom has now generously decided to pay for a caregiver for Sandy.  That took an ad in Craigslist and days and days of emails, sorting, phone calls, and decisions on who to pick.  We picked a lovely woman who is going to love Sandy and take care of her basic needs.  We are so excited she has someone there looking after her and making meals for her.  Also several precious sister in Christ have bought her other child still living in her home some items for Christmas that I just know she will love.  On top of that my home group has decided to have a huge garage sale in which all proceeds will go to helping Sandy.  I am feeling blessed, so blessed to be able to take part in helping, and YET......there is still so much to be done.  So much hopelessness I feel.  But then I set my mind on Christ and know that he loves her and will provide.  He always does.    There are several other situations that I truly would love to share now, but just cannot until I talk about them with her.  Just be in prayer for our family.  We have a lot of BIG decisions that need to be made.  A lot that depend on God deciding, NOT US.  Until then we are greatly looking forward to the arrival of our precious new son Ethan.  We cannot wait to hold him!  So far he is still alive and we are so very grateful for that.  He is a miracle!

Prayers:
Transportation for Sandy to get to doctors appointments (I cannot lift her and I don't have a wheelchair accessible van)
Decisions for Jake and I involving our family.
Health and safety for my children, myself, my husband, Sandy and Ethan.

until then.