- Proverbs 21:9
It is better to live in a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman. - Proverbs 21:19It is better to live in a desert land Than with a contentious and vexing woman.
- Proverbs 25:24 It is better to live in a corner of the roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
- Proverbs 27:15
A constant dripping on a day of steady rain And a contentious woman are alike;
Hmmmmmmm, I sense a theme here by the wonderful author Solomon. And although what he says is true, he may have had a BIT more experience with this than most men, given that he had 700 wives and 300 concubines. He was bound to marry a few "contentious women".
I will start this post with a humbling admission, (*gulp*).....I am a Contentious Woman. Well a contentious wife, to be exact. Startling how little that hurts. Truly, it is hard to admit, but when God reveals to you a weakness, and then works in your heart to set you free from it, it's really not so painful. God has given me much hope in this last month. I am changing, more and more everyday, the way I see things in my marriage. And things are getting good, and getting good fast! This is why it is a joy to share with you my journey on leaving the contentious side of me in the past.
If you would have asked me anytime in the last ten years if I was a contentious woman/wife, I would have meekly said "oh no. Not me. I definitely struggle with my own personal sins, and I am not a perfect wife, but I totally believe in biblical submission. I love my husband and submit to him often. I am not like THOSE women! (slyly nodding my head in the direction of the woman demeaning her husband in public, and then sort of pointing in the direction of another woman telling her husband to "keep up" as the walk by). "
No, you see, the problem was not that I didn't care that I really WAS considered contentious by my husband, the problem was, I had NO IDEA what a contentions woman really looked like! Honestly. I really never thought I was one. I never thought my husband thought I was one either. I had such extremes to compare it to.
For instance, my Mother, who I love dearly and truly is a wonderful role model in many ways, divorced 3 husbands. I wasn't running to divorce court every time we had conflict, no, indeed, I was running to the bible! So I was a good wife..... right?
I also had some good girlfriends, who loved Jesus, tremendously, but honestly treated their husbands like.....well....dogs. I wasn't like them either! I never screamed at my husband in public, or left him a mile long "To Do" list on his weekends off. On the contrary, I tried my best to "show" my husband respect, especially in public, and I rarely asked him to do much around the house. So far I am doing great, right??
So why is it that we had such a tough marriage? Why is it my husband stopped confiding in me? Why did he seem distant and harsh? Why did he never listen to me anymore, or bring me flowers, or show affection?
The reason is simple. Just because I didn't do, what I viewed as, "the extremes" doesn't mean I wasn't being Contentious to Jake.
You see, I am proud to say I reject a lot of the feminist ideas. I think hard core feminism is harsh to society, men, families,and children. It's unfair, and down right un-biblical. But I have realized lately that I still held some feminist idea's somewhere deep down. I was raised in a non-Christian home and went to public school in the 90's. Feminism was all around me. I thought that as I became a Christian and read the Word and walked closely with my savior, I would just naturally let go of all these worldly thoughts and ideas and assume the thoughts of my Savior.
Ummmmm No.
Not so much. I see now that I truly thought that my needs were more important, even more noble, than his. I mean, my need for love and honor is highly important. I work hard all day with the kids, and house, I deserve it. His need for an adoring wife and true respect that comes from the heart was well....selfish, and very male (foreign). Somehow my needs were valid and his were male pride. Yikes.
So when I "respected" him in public, yet despised him in my heart for not being the leader and man I wanted him to be, well then I was never really respecting him at all. And he knew it. I tried to be encouraging, I really did. I tried to encourage him to be a better man, a better Christian, a better father and husband. A man knows when he doesn't measure up, even when I would say with my lips "I love you honey". He always heard "I love you honey, but I don't respect who you are. Maybe one day you will meet my standards, but right now you're a miserable failure". Try being affectionate to that message.
Then there was the double standards. When I sin, it is minor, because I do the "right" things. See I handle my sin biblically. I repent, reflect, confess, and do my best to walk in God's grace and not do it again. But HE, well HE would just hide and run away from it. So his sin is now BIGGER. " No No No. Not OK. Come here little one, and let me show you how it's done. You see honey, you can't even sin correctly........ let me show you how to do it...".
Wowza. I just couldn't figure out why things weren't cheery anymore ;-)
And on and on this went.
"Jake, I love you, please lead the family"
(the next day)"Jake you're messing everything up by not leading, our children are going to be prostitutes and heathens!"
"Seriously, honey, you can do it, just read your bible everyday and teach the children just a few minutes a day and you'll be just like Doug Phillips and Voddie Baucham!" (now truly I did not SAY this, but I am sure this is what my husbands heart heard)
(the next day) "Seriously!!??? This sin again?? You're hopeless. You suck"
OK, now that you all hate me and think I am the wicked witch of the west, please know that God did get a hold of my heart. He showed me in the most loving way, the only thing that would wake me up. What my life would be like without Jake, and all his "failures". It was just a simple vision I saw in my head as I contemplated our marriage, after another failed "date night" (you know the kind, where you end up parked in the neighborhood screaming at each other in the car, instead of making out in the car. You have those right?).
I realized just that suddenly how terrible my life would be like without Jake in it. I also so how very hard he tried to be all we needed him to be. I saw all the good in that man, and I was so ashamed for being disappointed in him. I was determined to pray and think, and pray some more to figure out the specifics of what I was doing to drive Jake away. SO I prayed, and asked friends to pray, I even accepted a book from a friend on marriage, which is rare since I HATE marriage books and think they are formed in dark pits of evile devised to frustrate people.
What God then showed me really burst my bubble........... come back for the second post on "A Contentious Wife" and see what I am learning, how I am applying it and how my husband is responding.
P.S. I have full permission by my husband to write this :-) because after all, I am the submissive type, right? ;-)
