The post I didn't want to write.

Hello sweet friends.  I hopped on the computer tonight for one reason, and one reason only.   That reason was to write the story I never wanted to write.  The story of our "failed adoption".  Although I hate that term.  I prefer to just simply say the truth, and that is that nothing failed.  The birth family decided to keep their sweet baby, and God's painful, but good and perfect will was laid before us.  The reason I need to write this down tonight, even if I really don't want to, is because I need for everyone to hear/read it at the same time.  I have so many (praise God!) loving friends and family members who will all want to know how it all happened, and how we dealt with it, and how we are doing now, 8 days later.  I want them to know.  I just don't want to describe that heart wrenching day over and over and over again.  Kind of like a band-aid, ya know?  I just want to rip it off and be done with it.  But I fear, with the pain being so fresh, that every time someone asks "what happened", I will re-live "what happened" all over again.  So for me, to write this down publicly, and show everyone at the same time, is healing and helpful for me.  I sort of get to talk about it when, and how I want to once everyone knows.  Do you understand?  I hope that you do.  Here goes.

The weeks leading up to the trip:

As I texted and messaged the precious birth momma, over the weeks that I had before the birth, I couldn't help but fall head over heels in love with her.  She was an African American woman living in a state in my country, but in a world all her own.  She was another skin color, another culture, she lived in the deep south, and she was dirt poor, living in a crime infested government owned project.  We were nothing alike.......except....... we both knew Jesus, her more recently than I, and we both loved this baby.  She was already raising her sweet beautiful boys on her own, and for reasons I leave private to her, she was going to choose adoption for this sweet one.  Every time I spoke to her, I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness for her.  Sadness that she was going to have to walk this hard road.  I knew and could read in her texts that she was trying to prepare herself, but that the knowledge of letting go of this baby was breaking her heart.  But she had resolve, and she was determined to follow through with the plan.  The birth father however was less determined and was "willing" to let the adoption take place, but from what I could gather, he was heartbroken as well, and not at all happy about the idea of it.  I could easily understand that.  But the plan was she would deliver by herself at the hospital and that neither, he, or any of her family members would come and see the baby, as they didn't want to see him, then let him go.  Again, I could understand that.  And the birth mother as well, wanted it that way.  She didn't want other peoples attachments to the baby to get in the way of her decision.  She lovingly respected their decision to leave her alone during and after delivery, and encouraged that as the plan.  But my heart BROKE, and I mean broke, that she would do it all alone. About a week before my family and I left for our cross country road trip to go to Georgia to await the arrival of the baby, I had coffee with several of my girlfriends and voiced the fear that was nagging on my heart.  I told them I was a little numb.  Not feeling elated, or worried.  I just......was.  I felt nothing.  Nothing good or bad.  It just felt like waiting.  Like how you feel in an elevator waiting to reach the bottom floor.  I also shared the reason I might have been feeling like that.......I was very concerned she might change her mind.  My thought was that if the birth father showed up to the hospital and hugged that baby, and looked at her and asked her to keep him, I knew that she would.  And I knew she would be fully within her rights, morally, legally, and in all ways.  I wouldn't fault her if she did.  I also felt slightly detached because well, he was thousands of miles away in another woman's womb.  I couldn't feel him kick, or see him on an ultrasound, or even be near him geographically.  I knew my attachment would grow the closer we got to him.  I knew that if I held him in my arms, my heart would swell with love for him.  I knew that if I laid eyes on him, and planted a sweet motherly kiss on his little brow that I would be hooked.  And so I asked my friends to pray that night, that if it was the Lords will that we not keep him, that the Lord would PLEASE prevent us from driving there, and for the love of everything PLEASE don't let me hold him if I couldn't keep him.  That prayer was heard by the Lord, I have no doubt, but He chose to make me walk that path anyhow.  For reason's yet to be seen.

The trip to Georgia:
We left on a Sunday morning just shy of two weeks before her due date.  We had a twelve passenger van loaded down with two parents, three kids, all our luggage and the baby supplies, car seats, and blankets you could need for the first weeks of a babies life.  We were jammed to the brim.  We set off and started to get pretty excited.  My precious daughter was taking videos and pictures to document the trip to later give to baby Malachi (Malachi is what we named him). When we were just two days into what we planned for a 8 day trip, the birth mother let me know that she was in the hospital for pre-term labor and that they were sending her home as she wasn't quite in the "real" labor that they like to see.  We quickly canceled visits with friends and family, and got to Georgia as fast as we could with two children and our little impatient, active, unbelievably adorable, tornado toddler whom we like to call Ethan.  We got to Georgia on a Friday afternoon.  And Malachi was born just a few hours later Saturday morning.

The day of the birth:
Ethan had not been sleeping well the whole trip and had thrown an all out revolt against the pack-n-play (port-a-crib).  So we had been taking turns laying down with him at night in the bed to get him to sleep.  It was the only way he would sleep, even though at home he NEVER slept with us, and never seemed to mind his crib.  The night of the 16th I happened to be the one in the room with Ethan.  I had accidentally brought my phone in the room with me instead of leaving it in the kitchen area (we had an extended stay suite) on the charger.  It was too late now, with Ethan snuggled up next to me, only half asleep.  I just quickly put the phone on silent, so that no text messages woke up Ethan, and dozed off.  I awoke the next morning around 7a.m and took Ethan out to the dining room for breakfast.  I immediately had a thought that said "you better go check your phone".  I ignored it, and moved about my morning.  Then again that thought came, this time much stronger "something is up, GO CHECK YOUR PHONE!".   I literally jumped off the couch and went to the room.  I couldn't believe when it showed three missed calls from the birth mother at 4am.  I KNEW she had given birth.  There was no other reason for her to call at that hour.  I quickly called her back and she let me know he was born sometime after 2am that morning.  I woke Jake up and we got dressed as fast as we could and left for the hospital (my sister had flown in and was there to watch my kids, which was awesome).  We walked into her room and I walked straight over to the bed where she laid. Funny thing, looking back, I didn't look for the baby first.  Just for her.  I laid my hands on her and asked if I could hug her.  She said yes and I did.  Then asked her how she was feeling.  That is when I saw a movement in the corner of my eye.  I turned around and sitting in the room was the birth father holding a little bundle.  She looked at me and said "He just got here a few minutes before you did.  I didn't know he was coming".   The birth father had changed his mind and come after all.  I walked over and said hi to him.  He was breaking and I could tell.  Sure he was holding it together, but he had a death grip on that baby, and fear in his eyes.  But then his demeanor changed and he softened, he had a look of resignation to what he knew was coming, and handed the bundle out to me and said "do you want to hold him?".  I said sure and took Malachi into my arms.  Jake was standing behind me and we both beheld his sweetness.  He was adorable for sure.

I adored him.  But emotionally, and mentally it was hard.  We had an audience of two people.......his parents.  And that made it very hard to cry for joy or bond or open up his swaddle and just take in every part of his precious little newborn self.  So we just held him, took some pictures and made small talk.  After a while, I handed him back to the birth father and we said we would walk out and give them a little time together.  They said that it was OK, and that it wasn't necessary, but we felt like doing it anyhow.  We left for a little while then came back up.  When we came up a hospital social worker was sitting in there with them, asking them questions.  We turned to walk out but the lady said she had some questions for us.  I wont write all this part down, but let me be totally honest and say that this woman, an African American woman, was NOT happy this baby was being adopted out, and was CERTAINLY not happy he was going to a white family.  It was very evident.  She was really hard on us.  The adoption social worker, a totally different one than this hospital worker, that the Birth mother and us were working with even called while I was in there and asked to speak to the hospital social worker (typical protocol) but the hospital social worker refused to speak with her.  Not a good sign. But soon, she kicked us out and wanted to be alone with the Birth mother and father.  When she left 5 minutes later, and we came back in, the BM and BF were beside themselves in tears.  They were sobbing.  It was terrible. We knew the lady had told them things that upset them (later we would find out, just a bit of how awful that lady was to them about the adoption)  Again, when I came in they were kind to me, and they asked me to take the baby in my arms.  I did.  At this point Jake left to go to the hotel to help with Ethan.  I stayed in the room and and BF asked me a few questions, like what was I going to name him, and things like that.  I told him I would send lots and lots of pictures and come visit Georgia when we could.  He cried a lot when I said that, so I just sat quietly.  Before long we were all crying.  All except little Malachi who slept through it all, never once waking the whole time I was there (except for when the nurse came and changed his diaper), staying oblivious the the emotions and decisions surrounding him.  I just wanted to hug them and make it better, but how do you do that when you are the one leaving with their baby?  Hardest. Thing. Ever.  Here was my view for thirty minutes.....BF holding BM as they both wept.(I feel comfortable sharing this as you can see neither of their faces and it is all part of his story).

Finally they both slept while I held Malachi in my arms and rocked him in a rocking chair in the corner of the room.  A while later, maybe an hour, the hospital phone rang.  It was the front desk letting them know that her brother and her oldest son (who was five) were coming up to see them.  I could tell the BM was seeing where this was heading.  She never intended for anyone to get attached, but people who weren't going to come, just kept coming.  Later her mother would come too.  When I knew that all her family was coming up, I put the baby down and let the BM know I would be just downstairs in the cafeteria and to call or text me when they leave and that I would come back up.   She smiled and said OK.  I was in the cafeteria an hour later when I got the text.  As soon as I read the first line I knew.  And I felt the punch in my gut and the wave of nausea.  She had changed her mind.  Well actually her family, namely the BF had changed theirs, and she felt she just had to keep the baby for them,  for their rights to the baby.  I understood.  But I broke.  Right there in that cafeteria, with no one at my side, I wept loudly, uncontrollably and brokenly.  It was awful.  No way around it, it was so dang painful.  I just cried and cried for minutes before I could even call my husband.  I called him and all I could choke out in between sobs was "she's keeping the baby, come get me now".  I stayed and cried for another twenty minutes until my precious husband arrived to pick me up out front.  He held me in the car, and we shared horribly sad, but wonderfully beautiful moments together before we drove off.  He was amazing.  I won't repeat all we said, but one thing he said was "Valerie, we aren't in the business of taking  away children who have families, we are in the business of giving children who need a home a home.  Plain and simple.  He has home.  It's just not us.".  And it was true.  Painfully true. It wasn't us.  I knew God's hand was in it.  I wasn't angry, or confused.  I was just in pain.  I was sad, and I was hurting bad.  The hurt would be worse 20 minutes later when I would sit my precious little girl on my lap and tell her on her twelfth birthday, that her little brother wasn't going to be her little brother.  To watch her heart wrench, and then my precious 9 year old sons' as well, was one of the hardest things ever.  It was just awful.  We all cried as a family, then spoke truth, then prayed.

The aftermath:
My husband decided that since we were only 5 hours from Disneyworld that we would drive to Florida the next day and make a happy memory for the road trip.  Easier said than done.  While we did have a fun time there, we all felt the loss.  But it was a wonderful distraction.  However the distraction ended when we left Florida to drive home.........without a baby.  That was when the grieving began.  It was so hard to drive home. We were all homesick, tired of traveling, and grieving the loss.  When we got home today, we were elated to be home.  But the second we unloaded the baby stuff and saw the nursery, we all started grieving again.  And that is where we are now.  I have talked to the Birth mother once since, and it was a beautiful texting conversation.  She is a beautiful woman, and I love her.  She never meant to hurt us, and it grieves me to hear anyone mad at her for this.  God was in control the whole time, and if he drove us across the country, just to show love to them, then so be it.  We serve Christ, he does not serve us.  Sometimes that means hard things.  And you just got to do them, and walk through them.  He walks with us, for that we are certain.  Although I have never been so sure of my faith in the Lord and of his Sovereign will as I am now, I can still hear and feel the words of the accuser........"God is not good.  Why you?   Why this?  Just go ahead and be angry.....your more used that emotion".  But by the grace of God, and him granting me extra measures of faith, I have been able to withstand those fiery arrows.  I pray it stays that way the entire time I grieve and wait for another match.  Waiting is so hard.  Well, I need to go to bed now.  I pray you will all read this and pray for us, and for the birth family as they raise their four boys.  We will always love Malachi and will pray for him often.....and who knows, maybe one day we will meet him again. We are taking time to be together as a family so if I don't return your calls, or messages back right away, it just means I am healing. 

Homestudies and patience.

Homestudy  :A three-part process required before a child can be placed with a family for foster care or adoption:

 I still cannot believe that the last time I was on here we were starting yet another homestudy journey.  It has been 7 months since then and we ARE STILL WAITING to finish.  This is by far the LONGEST homestudy we have ever done.  Partially it is because we are doing Foster to Adopt, and partially it is due to the fact that we went through a small organization that is a sort of middle man, or go-between if you will, for the County.  We really wanted to avoid dealing too much with the county directly, so this organization has been worth the wait.  They are small and understaffed, hence the extreme length of time it has taken to finish the homestudy.  We are however, nearing the end.  It looks like we will be receiving phone calls and looking at the files of precious children in just a few short weeks.  This will be the hardest part.  Looking and reading files of children after children after children, all who need a home, all who need mommies and daddies, all who need to know the love of Christ.  How do you pick just one?  Or just two?  I guess the answer is you don't.  We are praying so hard (would you join me in this prayer?) that God would make it very obvious whom he has for us.  I know the children that are meant to be with us will be with us, but I also know I might fret just a tad if I loose that focus.  So I pray that before I can fret about which children we are to bring home, that God would say "these are the ones I have for you". 
   After they come into our home, there will be a huge time of adjustment for everyone.  I am sure I don't have to tell you the absolute fear and confusion a child goes through every time they have to transition to a new home and family, both of which they are unfamiliar with.  And we ourselves will have to adjust to the logistics of more children as well as the emotional strain of trying to care for their fragile little hearts.  But this we are assured of; that God will prepare us when we are in need.  I believe with all my heart I am not prepared right at this moment for all that will be required of us as we continue adopting, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God WILL grant us all we need when we need it.  I was not prepared to be a mom at 19 when I was alone and unmarried, but God in his mercy granted me wisdom, and love and devotion every day that I needed it to be her mother.  I was also not prepared for all the challenges of marriage either, but in the mercy that is new every morning I learn how to be a wife to Jake.  I say this to show you that the power to commit ourselves to love and good works does not come from us.  It comes from the Holy Spirit in us.  He calls us to things, and we think "no way!  I am totally not able to do that".  No we are not, but He is!  And He lives in us, and greater is He that is in us, than he that is in the world!
    Everyday that Jake and I feel the joy of knowing, this is what we are meant to do (even with a bit of fear and trepidation in the back of our minds), we also feel a grieving that "the harvest is plentiful but the workers are few".  Where are the workers?  There is so much to do.  And I am not referring only to cause of the Orphan. *Sigh* but this is a topic for another day.
    The Lord is awakening our hearts and minds to the great need around us.  Almost like we are seeing it for the first time.  It is wonderful, exhilarating, terrifying, and almost sad.  Wonderful because we are ready to serve, we are ready to love, we are ready to say YES to our King.  Exhilarating and terrifying because it is a scary thing sometimes to say YES to God and not be in control of what he will ask (can I get an Amen?).   And finally it is sad.  Sad to realize how many years of following Christ we followed him selfishly.  We didn't want to care about the things He cared about.  We didn't want to love the unlovable, or even have more children.  We are also sad to see just how many Christians live exactly the same way, unwilling to stop being pampered and entertained (as we have come to the conclusion that that is how we were/and often still are), and not wanting to step out and do the things that God has prepared for all Christians to do.   Let's remember that our life is a breath, a vapor, and that there is much much much to be done.

While we wait,
Valerie

Ethan, Adoption, and Updates.

Hello sweet bloggy world,

Sometimes I still cannot believe how long I go without blogging these days.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I care less and less about the "issues" I used to be so passionate about and more and more find that I just love simply being a mom.  My three sweeties bless me tremendously.  They also grow me, stretch me, frustrate me, and mirror me.  Which in general wears me out.   But I absolutely don't want to be or do anything else except serve God, and raise these little ones.

Speaking of little ones, Ethan has his final court date for his adoption coming up soon.  His adoption was complete the moment we knew he would be ours, but the state likes to have it's say so Ethan is "officially" ours on October 3rd.  What a fun day that will be.  Do you think I will cry???  Maybe just a bit ;-)

And speaking of adoption, I am happy to announce that my sweet man and I, with much prayer and trepidation, have decided to adopt again come February.   We are very nervous and very excited.  But mostly nervous.  We are truly wanting to be in Gods will and I have to say, this is a scary decision for us.  We have decided to adopt older children, through the foster system.  And more than likely we will be adopting siblings.  Is this scary?  Heck yes!  Are we aware of the great needs these children will have, and the great turmoil that will enter our home?  Possibly.   But are we also aware that God makes all things new, and will use even the hardest of times to grow and benefit our family. Yes, God works all things together.  We think this is a good time to do it.  We have a house, a stable job, older children who are now a bit more mature and capable to handle some of the harder issues that come with adopting older children, and we have a baby who will never remember a bit of it :-)

Anyhow, Jake and I have been so blessed and so stressed as of late.  Blessed in more ways than I can mention and stressed because we have been letting things and feeling get in the way of our walk with the Lord.  We have been working through marriage issues, parenting issues,  forgiveness, communication, and our love languages.  And I am so happy to finally be seeing the fruits of the labor.  God is at work in us and in our marriage, and I am so grateful for that.  May we never stop growing.  I know what it's like to just stay stagnant, and not "feel" my need for the Lord.  It's not a good place.  But through our stresses we  have been brought to our knees in our great need for HIM to help pick up all the pieces.  IT is precious to watch the Lord do it.   I think the thing I love the most about Christ our Lord is that He isn't afraid of, nor does he shy away from, our messy messy lives.  He dives right in, and speaks truth.  Love his GRACE!

We would love to keep all of you up to date on our new adoption journey.  We even have a sibling group in mind as of now, and will contacting their social worker next week  to see if we can start visiting them and getting to know them over the next few months until we are ready to get everything started again for the adoption.  We are praying (and I hope you will join us in praying!) that the Lord will select the children he has for our family and that we would follow HIS lead and not our hearts.

May he bless you this day!

A Contentious Wife part 2

A  definition of Contentious:  1) Tending towards argument or strife; quarrelsome. 2) Causing, involving, or characterized by argument or controversy.

Hmmmmm well I am certain the question of the day is.....how am I working out the details of NOT being a contentious wife?   Well, I am trying.  That is for sure.  Some days are better than others.  Some days I remember that the Lord wishes me to count my blessings, to remember to be respectful to my husband, to show him honor rather than constant annoyance with his "failures".  Other days, he's insensitive and rude, and really, I just go off.  Then we both repent, hug one another, pray and start over again.  Really, that's about as deep as it gets.   But that's life.   It is not romantic in the sense that Hollywood often portrays romance, or even the way our Christian romance novels portray it.  It's ugly.  It's messy.  But when God steps in and redeems it, it's the most beautiful thing in the world.  Anything that God redeems, is made beautiful.  That's how I view my marriage.  It can get sticky.  It has been ugly, mean, and downright sinful.  Yet as I sit back and marvel at the Lords handiwork over these last few years, and most importantly in these last 6 months or so, I see my marriage as a beautiful thing being woven together by a master artist.  He does this for a living....really.  :-)

So, down to the details.  Some things I have been trying to do, based on the sweet motivation from the Holy Spirit, have been:

~Trying to remember it's not all about me.  That means, that when I am wishing after a long night with the baby that my husband would remember to make me a cup of coffee when he gets up to make his, I instead try and think of something I can do for him.  Is he hungry?  Does he want a good morning hug, rather than a glare for not making me said coffee?

~Remembering to look at his attributes, not his failures.  Has he done something lately that was good, thoughtful, or self sacrificing?  Tell HIM!

~When he shares a wild dream of living in Alaska, or buying a third car because he "feels" we need a truck, remembering to nod and smile.  For the love of everything good DO NOT share the thoughts in your mind (ie. "Are you nuts!" , "have you seen our budget sweet heart? Does it have a large gaping hole that is screaming 'fill me with a new car payment'?"  "Sure honey, you go live up in the wilderness where it's freezing and play inside with the kids all day while packing heat to defend against bears on your way to the store".) 

~Thinking about the fact that while he may come off as cold or indifferent, really he is just thinking through things in his mind and will share them when he has thought it all through.

~HE'S REALLY NOT A BAD GUY

~Thinking about things like : does he like this shirt on me?  Does he enjoy the smell of this perfume?  Does he like this meal, or is it just me and the kids?

These are just a few of many examples.  But really, breaking the cycle of being a contentious wife, is really just the process of being open to what God sees when it comes to how you really think and act towards your husband.    Then remembering to put into practice a life of repentance when you loose your way, forgiveness when he looses his, and filling in everything in between with love.
1 Peter 4:8  " Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins"

A Contentious Wife.

1. Proverbs 21:9
   It is better to live in a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
2. Proverbs 21:19It is better to live in a desert land Than with a contentious and vexing woman.
3. Proverbs 25:24 It is better to live in a corner of the roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
4. Proverbs 27:15
   A constant dripping on a day of steady rain And a contentious woman are alike;

Hmmmmmmm, I sense a theme here by the wonderful author Solomon.  And although what he says is true, he may have had a BIT more experience with this than most men, given that he had 700 wives and 300 concubines.  He was bound to marry a few "contentious women".  

I will start this post with a humbling admission, (*gulp*).....I am a Contentious Woman.  Well a contentious wife, to be exact.  Startling how little that hurts.  Truly, it is hard to admit, but when God reveals to you a weakness, and then works in your heart to set you free from it, it's really not so painful. God has given me much hope in this last month.  I am changing, more and more everyday, the way I see things in my marriage.  And things are getting good, and getting good fast!  This is why it is a joy to share with you my journey on leaving  the contentious side of me in the past.

If you would have asked me anytime in the last ten years if I was a contentious woman/wife, I would have meekly said "oh no.  Not me.  I definitely struggle with my own personal sins, and I am not a perfect wife, but I totally believe in biblical submission.  I love my husband and submit to him often.  I am not like THOSE women! (slyly nodding my head in the direction of the woman demeaning her husband in public, and then sort of pointing in the direction of another woman telling her husband to "keep up" as the walk by). "

No, you see, the problem was not that I didn't care that I really WAS considered contentious by my husband, the problem was, I had NO IDEA what a contentions woman really looked like!  Honestly.  I really never thought I was one.  I never thought my husband thought I was one either.  I had such extremes to compare it to.   

For instance, my Mother, who I love dearly and truly is a wonderful role model in many ways, divorced 3 husbands.  I wasn't running to divorce court every time we had conflict, no, indeed, I was running to the bible!   So I was a good wife..... right?

I also had some good girlfriends, who loved Jesus, tremendously, but honestly treated their husbands like.....well....dogs.  I wasn't like them either! I never screamed at my husband in public, or left him a mile long "To Do" list on his weekends off.  On the contrary, I tried my best to "show" my husband respect, especially in public, and I rarely asked him to do much around the house.  So far I am doing great, right??  

So why is it that we had such a tough marriage?  Why is it my husband stopped confiding in me?  Why did he seem distant and harsh?  Why did he never listen to me anymore, or bring me flowers, or show affection?

The reason is simple.  Just because I didn't do, what I viewed as, "the extremes" doesn't mean I wasn't being Contentious to Jake.  

You see, I am proud to say I reject a lot of the feminist ideas.  I think hard core feminism is harsh to society, men, families,and children.  It's unfair, and down right un-biblical.  But I have realized lately that I still held some feminist idea's somewhere deep down.  I was raised in a non-Christian home and went to public school in the 90's.  Feminism was all around me.  I thought that as I became a Christian and read the Word and walked closely with my savior, I would just naturally let go of all these worldly thoughts and ideas and assume the thoughts of my Savior.

Ummmmm No. 

Not so much.  I see now that I truly thought that my needs were more important, even more noble, than his.  I mean, my need for love and honor is highly important. I work hard all day with the kids, and house, I deserve it.  His need for an adoring wife and true respect that comes from the heart was well....selfish, and very male (foreign).  Somehow my needs were valid and his were male pride.  Yikes.  

So when I "respected" him in public, yet despised him in my heart for not being the leader and man I wanted him to be, well then I was never really respecting  him at all.  And he knew it.  I tried to be encouraging, I really did.  I tried to encourage him to be a better man, a better Christian, a better father and husband.  A man knows when he doesn't measure up, even when I would say with my lips "I love you honey".  He always heard "I love you honey, but I don't respect who you are.  Maybe one day you will meet my standards, but right now you're a miserable failure".  Try being affectionate to that message. 

Then there was the double standards. When I sin, it is minor, because I do the "right" things.  See I handle my sin biblically.  I repent, reflect, confess, and do my best to walk in God's grace and not do it again.  But HE, well HE would just hide and run away from it. So his sin is now BIGGER.  " No No No. Not OK.  Come here little one, and let me show you how it's done.  You see honey, you can't even sin correctly........ let me show you how to do it...".  

Wowza.  I just couldn't figure out why things weren't cheery anymore ;-)

And on and on this went.  

"Jake, I love you, please lead the family"

(the next day)"Jake you're messing everything up by not leading, our children are going to be prostitutes and heathens!"

"Seriously, honey, you can do it, just read your bible everyday and teach the children just a few minutes a day and you'll be just like Doug Phillips and Voddie Baucham!" (now truly I did not SAY this, but I am sure this is what my husbands heart heard)

(the next day) "Seriously!!???  This sin again??  You're hopeless. You suck"

OK, now that you all hate me and think I am the wicked witch of the west, please know that God did get a hold of my heart.   He showed me in the most loving way, the only thing that would wake me up.  What my life would be like without Jake, and all his "failures".  It was just a simple vision I saw in my head as I contemplated our marriage, after another failed "date  night" (you know the kind, where you end up parked in the neighborhood screaming at each other in the car, instead of making out in the car.  You have those right?).  

I realized just that suddenly how terrible my life would be like without Jake in it.  I also so how very hard he tried to be all we needed him to be.  I saw all the good in that man, and I was so ashamed for being disappointed in him.  I was determined to pray and think, and pray some more to figure out the specifics of what I was doing to drive Jake away.  SO I prayed, and asked friends to pray, I even accepted a book from a friend on marriage, which is rare since I HATE marriage books and think they are formed in dark pits of evile devised to frustrate people.  

What God then showed me really burst my bubble...........  come back for the second post on "A Contentious Wife" and see what I am learning, how I am applying it and how my husband is responding.  

P.S. I have full permission by my husband to write this :-)  because after all, I am the submissive type, right? ;-)

Adopted for Life....and an update :-)

Update first:    "Sandy" (the Birth Mother) is doing better, she had several blood transfusions, and many more other medical complications that happened, and are still happening, but she is alive.  For that I am so very grateful.  I went to visit her a few days ago, and I knew God was calling me to just sit with her and be her friend for a bit.  We talked, but mostly I listened.  God has overwhelmed my soul with compassion for this woman.  I cannot even begin to fathom what it is like to be in her shoes.  To be homebound and in her thirties, is something that is devastating for her.  But the hardest part is her children.  She loves them so.  Several are in different homes because she cannot care for them, all of whom she misses and loves terribly.  Now this precious little Ethan, whom she cannot keep or care for, is breaking her heart.  She tries to hide it and puts on the biggest bravest front.  She says she wont let herself get attached.  She says if she does it will crush her so she convinces herself that she is not attached.   I was with her during her ultrasound and I can tell you......She is already attached.  I know she cannot admit what that would mean for her.  Could I, if it were me?   My heart cries to make her life better.  How?  I ask God this often as of late.  Sometimes He says to go visit her, sometimes he says "buy her a sweater", but mostly He says to "love".   Love.  Love is God and Love transcends all this mess of a world we live in.  Pray for me as I continue to focus on God's love for me and the Grace that has been given to me through Christ, so that out of that, love can flow through me to the precious fertile ground that is this woman's heart.  Pray also, as I have asked from the beginning, for her health and the health of the precious little baby Ethan, my son.  She is truly a "high risk" pregnancy, and it is a miracle of God little Ethan has hung in this long.

Adopted for Life:   I cannot say enough about this book.  It is awesome and truly captures adoption in the light of what God has done for us.  I would love to make this book my first book giveaway!  I have never done one of these before but a precious dear friend of mine is so passionate about adoption that her and her husband have purchased this book in bulk and have given me several copies to give away!  So, leave a comment and I will randomly select a winner and send you out a brand new copy of Adopted for Life!  

Take care of......her?

As I wrote in the previous post, I was being allowed by the birth mother *Sandy*, to join her at her doctors appointment.  The plan was, that Jake and I would meet them ( the birth father would be joining us as well) somewhere for lunch, then we would head out to the doctor appointment, while the birth father went home.   The birth father called us the day before we were supposed to go up there and said that Sandy was not "doing well" and was wondering if we could pick up lunch and bring it to the house instead of going out to eat.  I said absolutely and agreed to meet them out their house (they are roommate's, and not in a relationship with one another).

I can tell you that nothing prepared me for what I would face that day.  So many things, just due to the privacy of the birth mom, I cannot share with you.   The other things I will share with you and how they are affecting me.......for the better.  God always has a lesson in mind when bringing you to challenging things!

First, as I said,  I cannot give all of the details that cause me the most concern, but I can tell you that when I saw her my first thought was "death".  She looked like death.  It was lingering over her and around her, waiting to sink in it's teeth.  Only God is holding it back.  She is in much worse condition than I knew, and I think, more than she knows.  She has MS and is in a wheel chair due to both the MS and her two broken legs, both of which have no function and are healing in non natural positions.  There are other factors contributing to her failing health as well.

 I conversed with her for over and hour, which was a bit hard for her, as she struggles to maintain a good flow of breath while talking.  I cut her food up for her, as she cannot do it herself.  There was so many things that went through my mind during that hour wait to leave for the doctors visit.  One thing was a question that would not go away........"who is taking care of you Sandy?".   I did not say this out loud.  As I know who she "thinks" is taking care of her.  My heart broke for her situation.  Soon came time to leave.  We rolled her outside to our van and my husband lifted her and put her in.  It took much effort, but my husband is strong (she is very thin, but is 6 feet tall and 27 weeks pregnant) and we got her in without too much trouble.

We talked all the way to the hospital about mostly small and unimportant things.  I want to reach across and hug her, yet, I know this is not something she is comfortable with...yet.   So we chit chat as all women who barely know each other do.

 We get in the hospital/medical building and wait at her doctors appointment.  We get called back, and although she welcomes Jake along, he politely declines and says he will wait in the waiting room.  I happily go in with her. The doc comes in, says hi, listen's to the heart beat, says the beat sounds great, says she is due for an ultrasound and can get one today (my heart beats happily at the sound of that) and then he says " Sandy, I would like you to see a Perinatologist.  Just with you having.....other...ummm.... health issues, I think it's best you been seen by a Perinatologist.  We have a great one here at the hospital and they can set you up with an appointment with him.  OK?"  She says "sure OK" and we roll out to the front desk to make the appointment.  The appointment itself lasted a whole 3 minutes.
I am thinking to myself  "Wow, I am really glad they are scheduling her with a specialist for high risk pregnancies, but how is it that this woman can be coming to this doctor monthly, be 27 and a half weeks along, be in this bad of shape and JUST NOW, be being referred to a specialist??   I am no expert, but that seems grossly neglectful.    Oh and it get's worse.

We go to the front and they schedule her with her same OB for the next appointment 1 month from then, and say's to go have a seat while they try and find the Perinatologist's schedule.  We roll back into the waiting room and talk some more.  That's when she opens up a little about why she didn't have an abortion (I don't know exactly how we got on the topic of abortion, but it just came up I think after I said that I thought she was brave).  She said  "Well what was I going do?  I cannot even hold a baby in my arms.  I can't take care of a baby physically.  And I know *Sam* can't either with his MS.  What was I going to do?  Have an abortion?  I wouldn't do that.  I am not a Christian but I know the Bible says not to murder, so I am not going to murder, and that is what abortion is."    All I am thinking during this is "God's word does not return void!!!!!"    His WORD is affecting an unbelieving woman in order to spare the precious life of this sweet son of mine.  God is so good.

They call us back for the ultrasound.  We roll in and are barely able to make the turns in the office with the wheelchair.  What kind of hospital is barely wheelchair accessible?  Moving along.  We get into the room and the nurses look at us, look at her in the wheelchair, and tell us to lift her on to the very high table.  They offer no help whatsoever and I know why......She smells.  She hasn't been bathed in a long time, and no one is washing her clothes.   So my husband lifts her and with my help, we get her up.  I keep asking myself "what would these "nurses" do if we weren't there?  What is it like for her when she goes alone or with Sam, who can barely lift her at all?"

The ultrasound goes along well and we all smile as we see the cutest little black and white image of a face. We see his perfect lips, eyes, nose, head, chin, and beautiful beating heart. We then once again, unassisted by nurses, lift her down into her chair, choking down the vomit that wants to rise due to the smell that is coming off of her clothes.   We then roll her to the front of the office and try again to arrange the appointment with the specialist.  As we come up, the doctor calls us back into his office, which is weird because he said goodbye and everything before and said "see you in 4 weeks".  We go into his office with her and he says "I just got off the phone with my Chairman and we believe it is in your best interest to go elsewhere for your care"  At this point I am slightly agreeing with this man, as I believe they are not really all that concerned about this precious, very sick woman.  He then says he thinks she should go to a hospital 57 miles away.  Which in Southern California is like and hour and a half without traffic and 2 or more with traffic.   She says "well I have no way of getting there.", at which he shakes his head and gives a "well I don't know what to do about this" look.   I look at him and say "well she takes the bus to get here and this is only 2 miles down the road.  I don't think the bus will take her there.  I would drive her but I live and hour and a half away in the other direction, and I can't lift her by myself.  Maybe we can if my husband can get off work, but that would be hit and miss"  I look at her and say "Are you OK with this, I mean, that is really far?".  The doctor then gets up before she can answer and says "well see me in four weeks and we will talk about it some more."   He walks out, we roll out and go again to the front desk to make an appointment with the Perinatologist.  The nurse says, "Oh I thought you were going to another hospital?", we say no, not yet, she hasn't decided.  To which she says "oh....well.....I'll call you if the doctor says you really need to see the perinatologist after all".

I told you it got worse.   I truly am not attacking the character of any of these doctors or nurses, but it was really hard to see her be "swept under the rug" so to speak.  We left and while wheeling her through the parking lot she says that she knows why the chairman want's her gone.  "Do you know who the chairman is?"  I ask.   She answers "Yeah, she is the one who was trying to force me to have an abortion with my last child,(which was years and years ago) and I don't think she likes me because I told her that I would never do it".

Goodness.   *sigh*

So we leave and I ask her to tell me if there is anything she needs before we take her home.  Does she need to mail a letter, run and errand, does she need groceries, is she hungry?  She says, she would love to go to Starbucks and get a Caramel Frappuccino.  We can do that.  So we run to Starbucks and pick it up and drive her home.

We pull into the drive, and she says to hold on because she wants to give me something.  She gives me coupons for food and formula (she is so sweetly and preciously wanting to help take care of her son) and then hands me an old worn infant pajama outfit from her closet.  She says "all my children wore this, and he will need it to keep him warm, you know he is being born in such a cold season".

That's it.  My heart is broken.  I am ruined.  If I ever wondered before at what cost adoption takes place, I know a bit of it now.  We wave goodbye and I cry and process and pray all the way home.  Jake and I come to the conclusion that something needs to change for her.  Someone needs to help her.  Those people are us.  The doctors are letting her slip through the cracks, her caregiver is not giving care, and she is slowly slipping away.   Every person who should have been protecting her has let her down.  I vow then and there that I won't.  But God, why?  Why is it so complicated?  Why do I have to care?  Why does this have to be so heartbreaking, and hard, and........smelly......and .......dirty?

Because Valerie, I didn't just call you to adopt a baby, I called you to care for the least of these.  That command stands......... always.

He whispers truth, and I know what he means.  I must do whatever I can to bring her love, and care and comfort.  With God, I will.

I was wrecked for her that whole night, and all the next day.   I was on the phone all day with transits trying to see if we can find her transportation to the better hospitals.  NONE.  No one will take her that far.  Not one.

The good news:

~God moved so deeply in my moms heart at the plight of *Sandy*, that she has arranged for Sandy to have a personal assistant come in once weekly for 8 hours and clean the house, grocery shop, prepare meals, bathe her, wash her laundry, check on her bed sores, and change the bed linens.   PRAISE JESUS!

~I have decided that I will do what ever is in my power to help her not feel alone.  I called her and asked her permission to go to all her doctor appointments, regardless of how many, and be an advocate for her, fighting for her rights, and making sure no one ignores her or pushes her around.  She happily agreed and that is the plan.  She will be protected by me like a sister.  Not just a "woman having my adopted son"

~My sweet and precious friends here at my church are all praying for her and have decided to have a huge garage sale and give all proceeds directly to Sandy.

~I was so worried about her dying because the doctors were not checking on her adequately, nor understanding the depth of her poor health.  My fear was that she would either die at home soon, or go into labor and not know it (she feels nothing from the ribs down), possibly causing herself and the baby to die. But I received word yesterday  from Sandy that she was in the hospital recovering from a blood transfusion and that she had been there a few days.  I was so scared for her, but rejoicing that they were now being forced to look at her, run tests, and possibly refer her finally to the specialist.  She is still there.

  There are so many things  that this is teaching me.  First, handing over situations that I have no control over and not giving into worry.  My sweet son, is in a situation I do not wish for him.  He is being exposed to several prescription medications and his sweet momma is just so sick and stressed, I am not sure what nutrition if any he is receiving.  But God loves her.  And God lives Ethan.  And God loves me.  His will is perfect.

Be in prayer my sweet friends.  Lift us all up and let God receive Glory!

What drives us?

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately on the "decision" of adoption. For the past few weeks I have been battling (again) the fears of what may or may not come of all of this. I think to myself..

What if it all falls apart? What if we get matched and the mom changes her mind? What if they call us with a child with severe special needs? Will we walk in faith enough to choose to say YES to that situation? What if...............

But as with all things in my life over the past few months I have been choosing to not set my fears in front of me. What I mean by that is that they may float around in my head, but Christ will not let them settle in my heart. Still there are times where the mind goes a mile and minute, the heart starts to race, then..........

"Let it go Beloved, it was never your decision to begin with. It was mine. Give your burden to me"

Such sweet comforts our God whispers, does He not? And so again I let it go. Yet with all this thinking, heartache, money, worry, time, and waiting, I can't help but ask "What is driving us to do this?"

I know we have been asked on more than one occasion "Oh your adopting? Well that will be nice to have a baby in the house again. Three is really a nice number of children"

I can tell you right now definitively that "having a baby in the house" or having "three" children as opposed to our two, is NOT, I repeat NOT motivation enough for Jake and I to adopt. Don't get me wrong, adoption is precious, but Jake and I would have given up a long time ago if our motivation was as simple as that. No, lately as I wait, I know more than ever what drives us.

HIM.

He is the creator of all things, lover of all things, and protector of the helpless. What is more helpless than humans? What human is more helpless than a child?

It is His love that works itself in our hearts through His spirit to move us ever closer in this direction. I recently had the amazing privilege of hearing Katie Davis founder of Amazima ministries speak at a local church. She said something in a video they played before she came out to speak that has really stuck with me.  She said that sometimes people tell her how lucky she is to know Gods plan for her life at such a young age. She said something along the lines of "Well I'm not "lucky". God's plan for everyone is in the Bible. It says in the Bible to love your neighbor as yourself. Well myself doesn't like to starve, so therefore I shouldn't want others to starve".   Katie does more than help the starving people of Uganda. At 21 years of age she has also adopted 14 precious little girls that she is raising by herself.

I feel like that about adoption. My flesh wants to turn away from this whole process sometimes. I want to run back to our easy life of two independent older children. But my Spirit cries louder than my flesh. It cries out to nurture and care for those who have no family. Katie makes such an excellent point. If I am to love my neighbor as myself, well anyone who knows me knows that I hate to be lonely. Do I ever want any child to be without a family when I could be their family?

This is what drives us. When we are in the Word and in prayer, we know His will for our lives is to always live sacrificially. Something I know I have not lived. But I pray Christ will forgive me and help mold me into a person who lives for His glory and lives for my neighbor. Every time I want to give in to fear and quit on this whole process, the Spirit urges on softly...
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." I want to care for the Orphan because He does.
  I was once an Orphan as well.   Yes, I had a Mother and Father, but I was as lost as an orphan could be. Then He came. Adopted me as his child, and my life has never been the same. I love how it is put in John 14:18 as Jesus is speaking to His Disciples "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."

Praise God he has come for us!  Let us then press forward and come for those who are also in need.

Living with health issues.

(photo credit)


I have so many blog posts that I have been wanting to write lately. It's kinda driving me crazy that I can't get on the computer more to get them out of my head and on to bloggy world. But every day I say "when I am done with this task I will hop on that computer and get that post written!" And yet, that task leads to another which leads to another which leads.....you guessed it...... to another! :-) But I am NOT complaining. I am joyous, and I will explain way. You see, I am blown away that I am even able to get "tasks" done. There was time, not very long ago, where I was lucky to get my self going each day, and was barely achieving my small goals of keeping the basics running. This was my life for a few years, but increasingly more so over the last 18 months. I will tell you in a moment how God is bringing healing into my life, in more ways than one. But first, I want to go into what it's like to deal with health issues, and to doubt God's goodness in the midst of it.

For the longest time I didn't know what was going on with me. I was noticing differences in my health, but was seeing it as several UN-related symptoms. As many of you know, over 3 years ago, my husband and I felt convicted, compelled, and convinced that we should leave the conceiving of children in His capable hands. We had the Vasectomy reversed and awaited the inevitable pregnancy. It never came. As we went through the first two years we assumed the vasectomy had failed. I became consumed with sadness. I so wanted to have new life in my womb, but none came. We finally went to the doctors to have the semen analysis done. The results......The reversal had worked.

"hmmmmmmm........ This is odd", I thought to myself. I was pretty sure I had two children without any sort of medical help already. How could it be me?? So the tests began. Nothing invasive really. An ultrasound, some blood tests, a dye test. That's when I was diagnosed with PCOS. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I couldn't have more misunderstood this diagnosis. I was assured by the doctor that this was a minor thing. That likely one day with some medical intervention we would be able to conceive.

Wait, what was that word? "Medical Intervention"? Oh no. We had sort of handed that area of control over to God. Does it go both ways???? Do we let Him decide How many more and also IF we have more?

I talked to my husband that night. He assured me that for him, it did go both ways. We accept it if he gives us "too many" (as we sometimes feared in the beginning) and we accept it if he gives us no more at all.

I can't say that I fully agreed at the time, but I submitted.

I now had a "diagnosis", but still, nothing made sense. My diagnosis was just.....well....a diagnosis. What was that going to do for me? It didn't tell me WHAT was wrong with me. It didn't tell me what I could do about it either. Getting a PCOS diagnosis was like getting told "we're not quite sure what's wrong with you, what caused it, or how bad it will get. We only now it's not good, and it will get progressively worse with age." yay :-/

Over the next year and a half I would gain 50 pounds, have my face wrinkle, grow facial hair, be tired every single day, crave sugar like a heroin addict, have mood swings, experience blood sugar spikes and severe drops, have heart palpitations every morning when I rise, hot flashes, night sweats, have my face cover itself in brown spots, headaches, joint pain, night time swelling of my arms and hands, and truly the list could go on. I think though I have communicated that overall, I did not feel well. I was stripped of my youthful energy, and my beauty. I am not even sure if I ever thought of myself as beautiful, but regardless of what I thought of myself before, I sure knew that I wasn't beautiful any longer. Dealing with the complete lack of energy was one of the harder symptoms. It was a torturous feeling to watch everything that needed to be done just sit there and not get done, knowing it would be waiting for me tomorrow. Only tomorrow, I wouldn't feel any different that today.
I watched my kids worry about me, and even become lazy for lack of direction and encouragment because I was just too tired or in too much pain to care. I received lectures and judgmental stares from family members and even my husband. I don't blame them really, for none of us really knew what was wrong with me. It's not like they could say "Oh poor Val, she has____(fill in blank with dreaded disease)__ " They would just look at me and say "Val you have to get this stuff done, your house is falling apart the kids are falling behind in school". You just need to pick yourself up by the boot straps and march on. It broke my heart.

For the first time in years my infertility, which had been at the forefront of my thoughts, now took the back seat.

What was wrong with me, I am only in my twenties???I would scream this at first at myself. In my head. Then after of months of praying for healing, I began to yell that at God. I was careful not to let anyone see that pain. I would try and smile around others and wait until I was alone in the shower or driving by myself to the store and then I would unleash it. My own painful dialog would go something like this....

"God, you can heal me, why don't you!!!????"

"Dang it. I'm sorry Lord, that was uncalled for. Maybe I am having another hormonal mood swing. I think I have been getting a lot of those lately."

"Wait a second, you caused me to be this way! If you didn't want me to feel sad and angry and out of control, why did you do this to me?"

"Dang it. I'm sorry again"

"I am just so angry God! Why were you not content to take away my ability to have children? Why did you take my health, my vitality, and by beauty as well??"


All I can tell you is that during those dark months I received a lot of interesting stares from fellow drivers on the road. I can't tell you how many times I have cried and yelled in my car only to look over at a red light and wish really really really badly that I had tinted windows.


Eventually I handed over the infertility. I gave it to God, and asked forgiveness for ever giving it such a high place in my life. I still asked that he would return my fertility one day to what it used to be, but I was content to leave God in control. I even, slow as it was, was brought to the point where I had to become content with my poor health (not to mention saggy boobs and growing mid-section).
I knew if I let this anger consume me I would loose my faith. I would loose everything. I knew my faith was weak, and small, but I still had faith. I knew God was in control, I knew God sent His Son for me. I knew he had forgiven me so much. I knew I was truly blessed. I knew I had no right to be angry at God.

But still I doubted his character and goodness.

I stayed in the word daily but nothing touched my heart as it had before. I kept praying but instead of my prayers drifting to Heaven like incense, they stopped at the ceiling. It had to change.

Slowly but determinedly, I turned my heart back towards God (or maybe HE turned my heart back towards Him). I acknowledged my sin before him, repented, and once again accepted His FULL and gracious forgiveness.
That was the best thing to happen to me in a long long time.

I am now on the road to healing. In more ways than one. First I began to focus my heart on Christ and heavenly things, not on earthly temporal things. Then I began to learn my habits of "blame when pained"(as I like to call it), I prayed often for God's help in the process and still do. Following my change in my relationship with God, I began to seek out better medical help and better answers.

I now understand so much more about my body than I ever thought that I would. After 6 doctors I now see a very knowledgeable doctor who is an MD but also has her degree and licensing in Naturopathy. She has reviewed all my blood tests, and all my samples, and all my symptoms and is helping me find out what exactly is going wrong and what I can do to treat it. It was great to have a doctor spend more than 7 minutes with me and also know what the tests mean.
For one, I have severe hormonal imbalances. When I say severe I mean very very bad. I am also insulin resistant (caused by the hormonal imbalance), have adrenal fatigue, and my thyroid is not working properly.

So here are some things I am doing to help my health,
I am taking natural (not synthetic) Hormone replacements
I am taking a natural Thyroid
I am taking Vitamin D (which I am also severely deficient in)
I drink water first thing in the morning every morning with lemon in it (helps the liver, which in turn helps the Adrenal gland)
I am taking 4 capsules of good quality Fish oil (helps the hormones and thyroid)
I am walking daily
I am not eating refined sugar and have severely limited any other sugars like honey.


Since being on the natural hormone replacements, and vitamins, I have stopped gaining weight for the first time in a year and a half. In addition to not gaining weight I have also lost 5 pounds. The biggest difference I have noticed is my energy. It is amazing to have energy again! I still have a few days here and there where my energy wipes out but it usually only lasts an hour whereas before it would last for 4 hours or more. I just feel overall so much better. The swelling at night has also gone down, my hot flashes are few and far between and I am becoming so much more productive. It has been so great. I can't tell you what a treat it is to get up and have a 1000 things to do and know I just might be able to get them done, or at least try!
Most importantly, by the Grace of God, I am learning to lean on and Trust Him in all things. I am breaking bad habits daily and tearing down walls of doubt.

What I have learned through all this will carry with me for a long time. Top three...
1)Never take for granted your health or fertility. It is NOT guaranteed to always be there, so be grateful while you do have it.
2)God is good. All the time. When we view Him as anything else every trial is a double trial. It is too hard to go through a trial and doubt His goodness at the same time. Nor is it right.
3)There are seasons in life. There is a time for everything under the sun. Yes some things last a lifetime. But a lot of the time if you hold fast with perseverance and patience the reward is great when the trial is over. I wish to God I had persevered with patience and faith. I did not. I still have wounds from those dark times and very bad habits that the Lord is still weeding out of me due to my lack of patience and lack of trust in Him.

I realize that I have once again been very honest in my blog post. And that lends me open to some criticism I am sure. I realize I was vain to complain about beauty, I realize I should have been glad that it was me and not my children suffering (as that would have been much much worse) , I realize a lot of things. But I also know that some people are going through things similar and they need to know that God is faithful. And they also need to know that they are not alone, and that they are not the only ones who think those thoughts and who doubt. I want to offer encouragement through my honesty and also stand as a monument that screams "Do not waste you time blaming God! Turn to him for love and comfort and you will be comforted! Do not give in to anger, it will poison your life."

If anyone would like to talk to me personally about any of this, or just need a listening ear for anything you are going through. I am here. Just email me at sgtswife03@yahoo.com.

Sigh.

I am sighing right now. I think I have been doing that a lot lately. When I just don't know what to say or think or do, I just let out one big heave of a sigh. In case you don't know what a good sigh is, it's where you exhale emotion. That's my way of thinking about it at least. What does "sighing" have to do with our adoption? Well, it's the only way I can really express how I feel about being rejected as a family for the little guy we were hoping to adopt. The sigh that has been escaping my lips these past few days (along with quite a few tears) says in it's own way "OK Lord. I know you know what your doing. But it hurts anyhow."

I have been thinking a lot lately about how "challenging" things have been lately. I am fully aware that the things I am going through pale in comparison to true suffering. But we all live different lives, and to me, in my own little world, these past 2 years have been difficult.

It seems as though everything that we have done or tried to do has come with great difficulty or trial. I just want to cry out as my old spoiled self used to, "Just make something go right already!"

The ways of God are not man's ways. They certainly are not my ways. I wish often that God would make things different. That He would heal me, that He would heal our marriage, that He would grant me my fertility back. So many things are troublesome, and yet, I know He remains there. He not only remains, but He remains with a plan.

I have no clue what his plan is. I haven't the foggiest idea of why he is allowing the things he is allowing, and in the order he is allowing them. BUT, even with faith as weak as mine is (and it is weak my friends, If I can be honest with you), I CLING to his promises. It is clinging to those promises even as I cry "help my unbelief", that keeps me.

Jesus keeps. That is a phrase that has been stuck in my mind and heart lately. He keeps me from running away from him when I am tempted to rebel. He keeps me from loosing my faith altogether, when thing after thing tests and challenges my faith. He keeps me from relapsing into a life of sin, when I know that apart from his Holy Spirit holding me in check I would run back to the pig pen I once called a life.

Jesus also keeps my marriage. He keeps us together, He keeps us from giving up, and He keeps us from hate. We have wanted to do all those things. We have rebelled, hurt, and fought against this marriage. But by the GRACE of our God and the working power of his Holy Spirit, we have also forgiven, surrendered, loved, and triumphed over evil.

It is my prayer now, as it has been over these difficult past few years, that God will keep me. Keep me safe in his love and in his power.


Now onto the adoption update.....

As I mentioned before, we were told Thursday that we were not selected for the child we had applied to adopt. It was only us and one other family that they had to choose between. And although I knew that Gods will would be done in it, and prayed that I would accept the result, it was still very hard. It felt like a rejection. Not just from my adoption agency and the people in the committee, but also from God. Knowing that was not true, it only took a few hours to get my heart and emotions into alignment with the truth. Perspective is everything. Once my heart got into the right realization that this was not personal, but God's will, it became so much easier to bear. We are now just going to wait. Wait and see if this will all work out, or not. If it does, we should be matched with another child in less than 6 months. Until then I will keep you updated on everything we hear and know.


Prayer.


As you read in the beginning of this post, and frankly in the beginning of a lot of posts over the last 2 years, I am weak. For the longest time I saw this as terribly wrong. I thought, and still sometimes do, that God wants us to walk in victory, strength and great Faith all the days of our Christian life. I figured I would have bumps and bruises and hard times along the way, but I knew I could get through anything with my Faith in my precious Father. Yet somewhere along the way my faith became weak, and harder to see and feel. What do you do when your faith isn't all that strong? When you feel defeated from the moment you wake up? When you foresee more things going wrong, rather than rejoicing in the knowledge that God will work all things together?
My answer is the only thing I have lately, and that is to CLING with all your might to His promises. He will never leave, He will never forsake. He sees your heart, your sin, your thoughts, and your weak faith, and He accepts you anyway. This is where I am at. Some people wake up (and I have been there too) saying "Lord what do you want me to do today? I want to serve you Lord and be mighty in your kingdom!". I think that is a wonderful place to be. I miss being there.
But I wake up saying "Lord hold me together and keep me". And I think that being here is OK too. If God has a purpose in all this, and I know he does, then let His will be done, in and through this.

Staying focused.

In the midst of personal stress, be it emotional, spiritual, marital, or health (and in some cases many of these at the same time), how do you stay focused?

Lately I have felt the Lord prompt my heart to stay focused on Him, Him alone, and The blessings He has given me.

I started to realize that in times like these, I needed to have on blinders to the distractions or even just distracting thoughts in my life. I needed to see Him and focus on that. So I did.

When thoughts came asking "Am I good enough wife?"

I focused on the fact that God knows all things about me and loves me as His beloved daughter anyway.

When thoughts came asking "Am I good enough mother?"

I focused on the fact the God knows all things about me and loves me as His beloved daughter anyway.

When thoughts came asking "Will I be everything the child we adopt needs?"

I focused on the fact the God knows all things about me and loves me as His beloved daughter anyway.

When thoughts came asking "Will my health continue to deteriorate and rob me of vitality and youth?"

I focused on the fact that God is good and has his plans all worked out.

When thoughts came asking "Do Jake and I have a strong enough marriage to make it through?"

I focused on the fact that God is good and has his plans all worked out.

You see where I am going with this right?

It sounds silly at first. Like I'm repeating phrases to "change" something. But it wasn't like that at all. It was taking my eyes off the world and placing them on things above! (Col 3:10)

It worked too. :-)

So my advice when your heart and head seem to be at war with you.....
Look at what God has blessed you with and Thank HIM.



Work on something that keeps your hands busy.



And most importantly BREATH HIM IN, and rest in His promises.

Adoption.

Hello there! Well if you read the last post, you know that things have not been super encouraging this last few months. Lot's of things have fallen through, things just haven't gone right, and I just have not felt like myself lately. But besides the encouragement that I have received from a few sweet sweet ladies, one thing that has consistently put a smile on my face has been the adoption. So I thought I would give you all an update.

We are currently at the end of submitting all our paperwork needed for the "home study". Then a social worker will come out and start the interviews. Once that is complete and all our paperwork is approved, and we get back our background checks, than we will be finished with our Home Study.

At that point then we will wait to be "matched" with a child from South Korea.

There is a small twist in that though. We are doing what is called a Parallel adoption. Meaning we are pursuing the "standard" adoption program AND the "waiting child" adoption program at the same time. So we can wait the 5 months to be matched with a "healthy" child, or in the meantime review children that are available with disabilities. We are praying about this option.

For those who do not know, the Waiting Child program is an adoption program for adopting children with special needs (or older children or sibling groups, but this is almost never the case from Korea. They have primarily infants and toddlers with disabilities). Those special needs are very varied. They can be anything from a birthmark to Down Syndrome, and everything in between. We are not sure what God has planned through all this, but we are leaving ourselves open.

The time frame for all this can change at any moment. We are being told anywhere from 12 to 30 months from now. It seems soooo far off! I cannot believe that my youngest will be AT LEAST 8 by the time we are able to receiver our little one from Korea.
That will be an ADJUSTMENT!

So at this time our prayers are(if you do desire to pray with us)

*That God will provide the funds for this adoption.

*That the child we will adopt is safe and being cared for by loving people right now.

*That God would continue to speak to my heart about His unfailing love for me an my family.

*That some of my hormone issues will be worked out soon.

*That my husband and I would have a weekend soon to get away together and bond. We have been married 9 1/2 years and never taken a vacation alone together.....ever. We are thinking this would be a good time. We need money and a free weekend.
Lord help us :-)

Encouragement.

So where do we go for encouragement? I'm not talking fluffy stuff. I am talking soul shaking, heart healing, truthful love that comes from the Father through a Sister in Christ. I have been so discouraged lately with some things going on. Not to the point of utter despair or hopelessness, but.....pretty close to it. Most of these things are are internal "pruning" type things. Things God is working out in me. Things that are going on in my heart and mind that honestly, most people either don't understand or don't care to.
So I ask again, when you are going through these dark nights of the soul, where do you turn?

Recently I have found a lot of comfort in a blog, of all places. Sounds just plain silly but this woman has truly spoken to me, encouraged me, and laid her life out on her little piece of cyber space to encourage women going through some of these thoughts. Her blog is called "Journey to Beloved". And that is exactly where I am seeking to be. To see myself not just as His follower, but as His BELOVED. I feel lately that I am not beloved to any one. Doesn't every person, especially every girl, long to be someones beloved? What an endearing term that is. I am learning. I am listening to Him. But I also hear the words of the evil one who speaks and says I am not worthy. I am not beloved. I am nothing. But the voice of Him who loves my soul is winning. I am listening for that voice who says "I WILL CALL THOSE WHO WERE NOT MY PEOPLE, ‘MY PEOPLE,’ AND HER WHO WAS NOT BELOVED, ‘BELOVED.’” (Romans 9:25)
I am learning. I am listening. Thank you so Julie at Journey to Beloved. You are helping me on my journey.

The CALL to adopt.

I first want to clarify that I am in no way able at this time to speak about the experience of adoption. While we have had many many wonderful friends and family members adopt children, we have yet to do so. I did want to share though why we feel CALLED to this great, beautiful, terrifying task.

It started with the knowledge that my husband and I always felt "comfortable" with the prospect of adoption. What I mean by that is neither my husband nor I ever felt weird, or scared of the thought of adopting a child. This is not to say that our whole marriage we "wanted" to adopt, but only to say that we were both open and comfortable with the idea of it. We actually never really considered it until about 5 years into our marriage. At that time we were "done" having children biologically. We, as most of you know, decided that after much pressure from family and ourselves we would get a vasectomy after my son was born. When he was two weeks old, we did. At the time we felt totally OK with that decision. A few years went by and my heart began to break for the young girls in the foster care system. I wanted to "save" them. I wanted to give them a home, and love, and show them the Jesus that I had found. The Jesus that not only saved my perishing soul, but saved me from the pit I was determined to bury myself into.
As I continued to think, pray, and discuss with my husband about this process of adopting a young teen, the Lord blessed me with the wisdom to see the folly in the idea. He allowed me to realize how unwise it would be at only 26 years of age, with two young children, and an unbelieving husband, to take on such a task. Of course God can do amazing things through young and ill-prepared people, but this was not one of those times. This was a time where I asked and was told no. And He was gracious to show me the reasons why. I look back now and can see so very clearly, how unprepared I was then. I can see now, how many years my husband and I would work on our marriage only to completely destroy it again and again until finally the Lord would show us how to put HIM in the middle of it and start the healing process, which is where we are at now. We have moved 3 times to three different states since then. God also showed me other ways to express my heart towards young girls, like through teaching Sunday school class for teen girls, and through volunteering as a counselor at a Crisis Pregnancy center. I also really loved going with a friend of mine to help lead a bible study at a teen juvenile detention center for girls. I grew so much doing those things and I am so grateful to have had those opportunities.

About a year after the Lord revealed to me to not adopt a young teen girl, he put it into my heart to have more children biologically. That began months of prayer. I was so confused why I was desiring more children. I HATED being pregnant for the first four months. I wasn't that great at birthing them either. And neither of my children slept through the night for months and months. They were finally getting independent! I was free of diapers and night time waking. But there was a small voice in my heart calling for more children. Around this same time my husband committed his life to the Lord and also miraculously changed his mind about the vasectomy. You have no idea what a shock it was when a man who swore he wouldn't ever have children, says to you he feels convicted to reverse the vasectomy and leave it all in God's hands (this even after having two children already).

It was right. We both knew it. We found a doctor (also a miracle)and reversed the vasectomy 2 days after my husband came home from Iraq. Even during that time of thinking of having more biological children, we would both talk fondly, and often, about the possibility of adopting as well. It was so weird. Why did we keep talking about adopting, right on the wings of our HUGE decision to have more biological children??? It could have only been God. We bought bunk beds, and stored things we thought we may need to keep for future children. We prepared our hearts for a future of children, either biological or adopted, preferably both.

As we sit here now almost 3 years from that time, knowing we never were able to conceive a child again, nor probably ever will, our desire for adoption has not been quenched.

However, I do have to say there have been doubts. Some thoughts of ...
"What are we doing thinking about adoption!? Our children are 9 and 7, and completely independent. We can go anywhere with them. We can take vacations and travel, and finally go to the bathroom in peace. Why are we thinking of ruining that?"

Other thoughts we have had are a little less selfish and they go like this....
"What if we are pursuing adoption out of our own selfish need to have more children? What if this is not God's will for us? What if God only intended for us to have two children and we are stepping out of his will by forcing this issue?"

My husband voiced that concern about our motives the other day while lying in bed. He looked at me and said, "How can we be sure we are not meant to just have two?"

My answer came so easily it stunned even me. "Look at the pieces of the puzzle just fall into place. Why on earth do we have a carseat, two boosters, a baby potty, a swing, a bouncy, and baby clothes in our garage when our children are years and years out of those things? Why do have only two children but still insist on driving a mini-van when we could easily fit into something more economical? Why in the world did we feel compelled to buy a 4 bedroom, 2200 sqft house for only 4 people? The answer is we have felt for YEARS that we are not complete. This family was meant to welcome more in. That has not come from us. We know it. We didn't buy this house because we like big houses, we bought it because we kept saying 'look how many children we could put in all those bedrooms!'. We do not keep the mini-van because it is cool, we keep it because we know we will need the room one day."

We KNOW we are being called to adopt.

He agreed with my answer.

IF you knew us you would know, we don't like big houses just because they are big, and we are not pack rats that keep old baby stuff. We have meticulously, and yet almost accidentally, kept this stuff and I believe God is the reason it has all worked out this way.

Now the answer to, how, where, and when we will adopt, we do not know. But the more we discuss our plans to adopt as well as our motives, the more we become convinced that we are being called. Not by our own will, but by HIS.

Some things on our hearts and mind lately about adoption are....

~Which agency to use. It can be scary to trust your heart, your time, and your money to people who may or may not have your best interest at heart.

~Which adoption. There is adoption through the foster care system, adoption domestically of a baby that a mom is placing, international adoption, and even embryo adoption. Which one is right for us, and can we do them ALL?!?! :)

~Do we wait and save the money before we move forward in an adoption, or move ahead and trust God will provide?

~Do we adopt special needs children or no?

Please pray for us, if you feel so inclined, as you can tell we have a lot of beautiful decisions to make soon! Also you have adopted could you please comment and tell me which adoption you chose and which agency you went through? Thank you!

Take care and have a blessed weekend beautiful people!!!