Sigh.

I am sighing right now. I think I have been doing that a lot lately. When I just don't know what to say or think or do, I just let out one big heave of a sigh. In case you don't know what a good sigh is, it's where you exhale emotion. That's my way of thinking about it at least. What does "sighing" have to do with our adoption? Well, it's the only way I can really express how I feel about being rejected as a family for the little guy we were hoping to adopt. The sigh that has been escaping my lips these past few days (along with quite a few tears) says in it's own way "OK Lord. I know you know what your doing. But it hurts anyhow."

I have been thinking a lot lately about how "challenging" things have been lately. I am fully aware that the things I am going through pale in comparison to true suffering. But we all live different lives, and to me, in my own little world, these past 2 years have been difficult.

It seems as though everything that we have done or tried to do has come with great difficulty or trial. I just want to cry out as my old spoiled self used to, "Just make something go right already!"

The ways of God are not man's ways. They certainly are not my ways. I wish often that God would make things different. That He would heal me, that He would heal our marriage, that He would grant me my fertility back. So many things are troublesome, and yet, I know He remains there. He not only remains, but He remains with a plan.

I have no clue what his plan is. I haven't the foggiest idea of why he is allowing the things he is allowing, and in the order he is allowing them. BUT, even with faith as weak as mine is (and it is weak my friends, If I can be honest with you), I CLING to his promises. It is clinging to those promises even as I cry "help my unbelief", that keeps me.

Jesus keeps. That is a phrase that has been stuck in my mind and heart lately. He keeps me from running away from him when I am tempted to rebel. He keeps me from loosing my faith altogether, when thing after thing tests and challenges my faith. He keeps me from relapsing into a life of sin, when I know that apart from his Holy Spirit holding me in check I would run back to the pig pen I once called a life.

Jesus also keeps my marriage. He keeps us together, He keeps us from giving up, and He keeps us from hate. We have wanted to do all those things. We have rebelled, hurt, and fought against this marriage. But by the GRACE of our God and the working power of his Holy Spirit, we have also forgiven, surrendered, loved, and triumphed over evil.

It is my prayer now, as it has been over these difficult past few years, that God will keep me. Keep me safe in his love and in his power.


Now onto the adoption update.....

As I mentioned before, we were told Thursday that we were not selected for the child we had applied to adopt. It was only us and one other family that they had to choose between. And although I knew that Gods will would be done in it, and prayed that I would accept the result, it was still very hard. It felt like a rejection. Not just from my adoption agency and the people in the committee, but also from God. Knowing that was not true, it only took a few hours to get my heart and emotions into alignment with the truth. Perspective is everything. Once my heart got into the right realization that this was not personal, but God's will, it became so much easier to bear. We are now just going to wait. Wait and see if this will all work out, or not. If it does, we should be matched with another child in less than 6 months. Until then I will keep you updated on everything we hear and know.


Prayer.


As you read in the beginning of this post, and frankly in the beginning of a lot of posts over the last 2 years, I am weak. For the longest time I saw this as terribly wrong. I thought, and still sometimes do, that God wants us to walk in victory, strength and great Faith all the days of our Christian life. I figured I would have bumps and bruises and hard times along the way, but I knew I could get through anything with my Faith in my precious Father. Yet somewhere along the way my faith became weak, and harder to see and feel. What do you do when your faith isn't all that strong? When you feel defeated from the moment you wake up? When you foresee more things going wrong, rather than rejoicing in the knowledge that God will work all things together?
My answer is the only thing I have lately, and that is to CLING with all your might to His promises. He will never leave, He will never forsake. He sees your heart, your sin, your thoughts, and your weak faith, and He accepts you anyway. This is where I am at. Some people wake up (and I have been there too) saying "Lord what do you want me to do today? I want to serve you Lord and be mighty in your kingdom!". I think that is a wonderful place to be. I miss being there.
But I wake up saying "Lord hold me together and keep me". And I think that being here is OK too. If God has a purpose in all this, and I know he does, then let His will be done, in and through this.