How I feel.

Well, here goes the promised next part of my "What happened" post. (if you have not yet read the first part, please read that first, thanks)

Funny, but "How I feel" is very complicated. There is not one feeling to describe how I feel about what happened and how I feel about it now that it is "over". I can probably describe it best in stages.

When I had the kids...
I felt sure of my self at first. I didn't necessarily "feel" it was God's will for me to do fostering, but I thought surely He would be behind any such sacrificial act. But then as things started to go awry, and we all started to sort of feel as if nothing was going to go right I started to doubt everything. Some of my doubts included thoughts like "Why in the world can't I make this work?!", "This is just a small boy and a baby, why are we all falling apart?", "If God were truly behind good deeds, then why isn't He in this with me? Why can I not feel Him?", "This boy is hard, but my own son was pretty hard, why is this different?".

When they were placed back...
When the decision was made, between me, my husband, my two other foster mom friends, and the case worker, to place them back into the previous homes, my feelings and thoughts went to these, "I do not deserve to be a mom. What kind of mother gives up on helping kids, even those who are not her own?", "Once people find out what I have done, they will know I must not be a strong enough Christian, for if I were, I would have been able to make this work." , "I don't understand what God want's from me. Why does he place a desire in my heart for children, yet make me barren??? Why does He place it in my heart to adopt, yet it seems to be obvious we cannot handle anything of the sort?!". Also during these dark hours of thoughts of total and complete failure on my part, I was refusing to talk to people. For probably the first time in my adult life, I could not turn to people. Most anyone who knows me, knows I need to talk about my feelings. I talk about my anger, my sadness, my joy, my hopes, my fears, my parenting, my marriage, and my walk with God.
But for the first time I didn't want to talk about it at all. I ignored phone calls from some of my most favorite and beloved family members and friends. I even ignored calls from my mother and mother in law, both of whom I usually turn to in distress. I didn't want anyone to know how hard I had failed. The thing was, so many people had such hope in me. I had the greatest supporters. And I had let them down. OR so it seemed.

Days later...
Days later, I started realizing some things. Thanks to my Mother, my Mother in law, and some very strong Christians I know, I was able to stop crying for a minute and think it through. I was given love, non judgmental advice, and even some sound rebuking by a man in our community group. This friend of ours looked at me and told me plainly that I was taking on false emotions of guilt. I was taking on the emotions of the children and that would help me none. The social workers had made some mistakes, the parents had failed, and the lack of information given, and my foolish exuberance to jump into things without clearly thinking, all played a part in having this be a bad match for our family. But it was NOT all because I had failed. It is a sick and dying world filled with sin, hate, and pain, but I, Valerie, cannot save it. That is the job of another. He then repeated what several other friends had said.....I had to take care of and DO the things God has already required of me. Raise my children well, work on my marriage and make it a good example for others to follow , homeschool my children, and pray consistently for what God may have else for me to do. In the meantime, love others, and love God, for this sums up all the laws and the prophets.

I know that in my head now, but translating that to my heart is still slow going. I no longer feel that heaviness weighing me down. But I still have a sense of shame and failure. I still feel scared and doubtful about sticking to our original plan of adopting. I am unsure of many things still. However, here are SOME things I AM sure of right now...
* "Good things" don't always equal "God things"
* Although I have a deep desire to have a big family, God wants me to be content with the little one I have now.
* The verse in Phillipians 4:13 that says "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" does not mean God backs me on every plan I take on.
*Healing comes with time and Truth.
*God had given me the beautiful body of Believers to turn to NO MATTER where I go.
*My husband rocks and is already seeking God's truth in it all, has repented of his anger, and is ready to try again, even with adopting (albeit a little farther down the road). He amazes me.


Right now, everything is on hold, even if we wanted to try foster care or adopting. We are currently in Oklahoma, but because of several issues with his military job here (we are on one year orders), we may be ending orders early on September 1st, or October 26th. Either way, I see now, even if things had worked out, we would have had to of moved at some point in the near future and the children would not have been able to come with us. Unless you are stable, unlike us right now, it is hard all around to make plans, much less involve other people into the equation.

And last, but not least, to answer a few questions I am sure some must have
"YES I do realize that if they were my own children, I could not have placed them back. I would have had to make it work. I wish I could answer why it was different in this case, but I can't. But unless you have fostered and seen its challenges, and some of the hopeless feelings that come with issues AND knowing they don't get to stay even if you work those issues out then please refrain from giving me advice. NOT because you are wrong, or because it is unwarranted, but because I fear it will confuse and distress me even further."

"YES I realize adoption could be just as hard or even harder. Again, I don't know what to think but we are still discussing on it"

"NO I am not always a total basket case, but it has been an unstable time. We have had lots of victories, lots of growing, lots of fun and love in the last few years. BUT we have also faced infertility, joblessness, debt (which we are so against and thankfully now COMPLETELY out of), my husband going back to school, my husbands 1 year deployment to Iraq, selling our house, moving to Oklahoma, a major car wreck that totaled our van and injured me, working six months to complete training and background for adoptions, and failed foster attempt, and my husband is having almost weekly doctor appointments for his DAILY migraines. On top of that we are looking at either joblessness and moving back towards family in the next 2 to 5 months, OR getting a job and moving to yet another unfamiliar place. Is this all stressful? Absolutely! But in the moments where I am not sad about our failed foster attempt, I am joyfully optimistic. God provided AMAZING friends and a GREAT church here. He can do that anywhere. He provided this job, even though we knew it was only temporary, he can provide another. He saved my husband from another deployment, and holds my family together. He is daily speaking Truth into my heart, where the liar has placed falsehood. WE WILL BE OK! I know this now. OK well, I am done for now. It's time to get dinner on the table. I hope you all have an awesome day.
Val