The Root of Bitterness....revisited.

Do any of you remember when I wrote the post on Bitterness? (If you didn't you may click on the highlighted portion to read it if you like.) Well unfortunately...I am right back where I was 8 MONTHS AGO! Well not nearly as entrenched or blind to it, but "in it" all the same. I cannot believe that I found myself back in it. However, unlike last time, as far as I know this root is not as large. I feel like I am recognizing it as quickly as it is laying claim to my heart. I feel the old urges, the old thoughts, the old feelings. "Why are they here?" I ask myself. I have no clear answer. My first initial answer to that is....well....to be honest...its my husbands fault! There I said it. Now is that really true? Probably not. Is he not helping? No he is not. But the question that I poured out to my Lord, through tears, this morning at church was "Why am I not handling this well!?!?!". I honestly don't know. Could be hormones, could be stress, could be all that we have been through lately building up. Could be lots of things. What I DO KNOW is that God has given me strength before to handle these things that Jake and I are going through. He has quieted my spirit, He has silenced my angry tongue, He has shown me peace in the midst of the chaos, He has spoken sweet words to my heart when people were hurting me to the core. Why is it now I could not hear Him? Feel Him? Or sense what in the world He wanted me to do? I think I have realized it. Bitterness took root again. I mentioned before in my post all those months ago, that I would always have to be careful about it because it had become habit to me to become bitter when certain things happened. Well a lot of those "things" involve me and my husband. Recently we have had some of these struggles creep up again and instead of turning to God and accepting His peace, I became bitter. I thought to myself "NOT AGAIN! I will NOT do this again. OH God, what if it stays this way?! What can I do to stop this?" That led to plan A, B, C, D, and E which all failed miserably (I know, surprise surprise). Those things failing and making things worse, left me feeling hopeless and frustrated. So I clung to the old, and oddly comfortable place of bitterness. It was like retreating to an old friend, and I did it literally over the span of only a few days. Now that I know where I am at, and what I have done, it's time to fix it. But even that is easier said than done. Sometimes I am not sure if I am strong enough to let go and "let God", ya know? I know what needs to be done. Repent of my wrong attitude and taking things into my own hands (did that), and completely surrender the future of everything to God (not quite). I feel to weak. I feel I can say that, but my trust is low. Anyhow, if you were looking for some profound revelation that solved it all, I am sorry, I have not found it. All I know is that I am in that place that many a Christian has walked. Where you know what you have to do, and what is best, but your not sure how to get from point A to point B. Anyone else ever been there?

One thing I do know, God does not forsake. So for now, as I work on surrender and strength I know that God will not leave. He will be there waiting for me to grow. Praise His mighty name for that! :)
So ladies, be honest....any struggles going on in your bloggy worlds?