The root of bitterness.

Today I disclose my well kept secret....... I harbor bitterness. Well, I did, until I finally confessed it the other day (after MONTHS of the Lord speaking to my hard heart, mind you). Interesting thing is, it was a light bulb moment when I finally saw it. I don't get too many of those. God usually takes me step by step when revealing something to me. And maybe He had been doing that but I was not listening. Either way, about a week or so ago God said enough is enough and crashed my world. Nothing would go right. My marriage was not going right, actually it was going horribly horribly wrong. My mothering had turned into something reminiscent of a screen clip of "mommy dearest". Even mentoring and encouraging other women(which is my spiritual gift) had turned dry. I had no passion to really encourage anyone. All I heard in my mind was "why won't someone encourage me?" wahh wahh wahhh (**me crying like a selfish baby**)
Then one night a few days after we had moved I realized I really had no control over anything in my life, nor did I even enjoy life. I didn't want to wake up the next day and live, what seemed to me, my dreary pointless life. Now that's the bad part, here is the good part. It was like it flashed before my eyes, immediately I could see all the bitterness in me like a disease. It was festering and affecting all areas of my life. My marriage, my mothering, my friendships, my joy and my relationship with my sweet heavenly Father. All this time I thought it was "them" and God was showing me it was ......(gasp)....ME. "What happened??" I asked myself, and God impressed upon me "you let bitterness take over. It took root first in a small area of your heart when you became unforgiving with your husband, then the root grew bigger and bigger as you allowed yourself to become jealous over the lives of other people, then the root of bitterness consumed you and became a firmly established tree when you said in your heart that 'truly it was God who had not spared you this pain, and it was God who knew how hard this would all be and yet pulled away, it was God who gave you a desire for a child yet withheld that very dream from you'"
I had done what I would have sworn I would never do, I had blamed God deep deep down, and had not even admitted it to myself. That is until He would not allow me to live in sin and denial any longer. It was killing me, inside and out. I had become the person I never wanted to be......bitter and without joy. Praise the Lord he never leaves us where we are. He simply says (to quote Beth Moore) "get out of that pit!" Anyhow, after about a day of pure confession before the Lord and some pretty good repentant apologies to my husband and children, I am happy to say I am feeling much much better. Although I do still have to watch out for bitterness. You see it became a deeply entrenched habit. Self pity and prideful accusations of "I don't deserve this" come quick to the brain, and they must be countered with God's word, which is why (duh) we must be in it! Praise the Lord that during that time I had not allowed myself to stop reading His word. I felt little joy in reading it at the time, but God's word never returns void and He is using it faithfully to restore me to the faith I once had.....my first love.

Lord, praise your holy name for caring for humans at all, least of all me and my pathetic attempts at life. You care for me that much that you will not let me get away with sin. It really is true that you wish for us to "have life to the full". You are so very good. Keep refining me Lord.
Valerie