I have had the most astounding revelation this week. As you know from the previous post I have been facing an emotional battle for a while now. The battle had to to do with Selfishness and bitterness. I knew in my heart and from the Word, and from the conviction of my soul, that I needed to stop feeling that way. But HOW to stop a feeling was beyond me. I begged and pleaded with God to "give me a new heart of flesh and take away from me my heart of stone". Yet the very next day I would wake up and feel the heaviness of it in my heart. Why would it not go away? Surely if a servant asks of the Lord something so honorable He would oblige, would He not? The answer is NO. He would not. Not when He had already laid out the cure.
I will spare the ridiculously embarrassing details for another day and another blog post, but basically, while doing something so completely normal, God spoke to my heart in that gentle way that only He can do. It was a moving of my spirit that simply said for me to do something that was opposite of what I was going to do. It wasn't until I heard the urgings to basically step back and be more self-less rather than selfish in the particular situation, that I realized he was giving me a choice. A choice to choose me, or choose His way. The way of the servant. AWWWWWWW it HIT ME! The cure is Humility! The cure is self sacrifice!
Duh
Duh
Duh
How could I think that I was living for Him, while daily, living for myself? It's really amazing how simple and easy the yoke is to bear. Humility and selflessness are choices. Choices that we make that walk out the words of Jesus..... "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many."
It has been an awesome time of refreshing for me. After every choice that I make to choose the role of servant rather than "Queen Valerie" I feel infinitely better. Set free is actually a more appropriate description.
Our God is so awesome, amazing, and yet.....so simple. I love that about Him. Don't you?
So I find that scriptures like "If anyone serves Me, he must follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also; if anyone serves Me, the Father will honor him. "
encourages me greatly to stay on the path of humility and dying to ones self. Lord Help this spoiled girl to become a good and faithful servant! :)
My conclusion is this, WHATEVER THE PROBLEM IS, THE CURE IS HUMILITY.
The CURE!!
Down to business.
(photo credit)
So let's get down to it. Selfishness. We all deal with it in one form or another. Some of us let it control our lives, while others of us, put up a brave fight and consistently call upon God to help us overcome it's nagging pull.
I was thinking about my hearts attitude recently and was so burdened down with how "far I have fallen". I mean, do you ever just look back on your life of walking with the Lord and ask yourself "Man I used to live so much more in His peace! Why was I able to deal with things better before?". I do. I know that when I first gave my allegiance to Christ, and accepted His forgiveness, I was overcome with Joy in Him. Then as the time went by and hard times came, I leaned on Him and asked him to comfort me and change me. I had peace. I had patience. I had a sense of calm. Even when I was crying out in pain at some of my circumstances, I still left it in His hands. I still trusted He was in control, and I was too reliant upon Him to squander all my time thinking and dwelling upon all that is wrong. Don't get me wrong, I worried about my life and my marriage, and lots of things. I cried, and made hard decisions, and even fell apart from time to time. But I remember also being thoughtful of others in the midst of it, I remember thinking "God will turn this all for His good". I share all that with you to share this......I no longer act that way. I have sensed in myself, and God has revealed through pondering over these last few years, that I have slowly allowed selfishness into my life. So much so that it has affected every area. Where I once had peace, I now feel discouraged. Where I once forgave, I now linger on the wrongs that are done to me. Where I once let love cover a multitude of sins, I now stand self-righteous. Where I once had patience, I now have temper.
Why oh why do I share this with you all????? Well the answer to that may shock you. That answer is, this revelation is actually GOOD NEWS.
What? This doesn't sound like good news??
Well follow my train of thought for a moment and let me 'splain.
For one, I honestly believe that selfishness is hard for God to work with, but what is more impossible is Pride. Pride says "I do not need to change". My understanding of my selfishness, is good. It means that although I am desperately selfish and in need of a Savior, and some serious pruning, I am not hopeless. For I WANT to be helped. I want to change my ways. I want to love as I once loved. No, I want to love MORE than that. I want to love AS Christ loves. I think I am on the right track. It does not feel good to have the Holy Spirit reveal to you your very well hidden sin. So well hidden I almost didn't even see it. But it hit me in the face like a brick one night. I was alone in my car and had just been shown such kindness by someone. As I drove I literally burst into tears and wept. All I was able to say over and over was "I am so selfish!". I wanted to stop but my mouth had a mind all it's own that night. I began confessing it over and over to my Lord and asking His forgiveness. A forgiveness by the way that so beautifully given to me, before my very creation. I felt His love and forgiveness wash over me, and YET I also had a sense of severe pruning coming up. It has not been easy since. I wish sometimes that Sanctification just came to me, and that my sins and habits would just fall away like the scales on Saul's eyes. But it does not. God has shown me my sin, offered His forgiveness, and shown me the way to stop. But I must make the choice. The choices that offered to me daily of whether or not to choose ME, or to choose God and then others.
I mentioned in my Pre-lude that I believe Selfishness to be tied to Bitterness. I truly can see that when a heart is selfish, it will inevitably become bitter. A selfish heart says "Me first", "why me?", and "I deserve_____ (fill in the blank)". When we are not first, it hurts. When things happen and we ask "why me?", often no answer comes. And when we believe we deserve something, even a simple something, or a good something, and we are denied that, we become angry. All of those feelings of hurt and anger compound over time and root themselves in your heart as bitterness. But a Christian cannot live this way and have any peace. Selfishness is contrary to the Word of God and his nature. Some things I have learned and say to myself as of late are...
* We do not deserve anything
* We have not earned anything
* God does not owe us answers no matter how much we plead for them
* God is not my "religion". He is my Lord, my King.
* Fear God and do not let sin take hold in your heart.
* Jesus' yoke is easy and burden is light.
* Tomorrow is a new day to start over.
Remember, selfishness is not always easy to spot. We may help people out, serve in our homes, and be kind (most of the time) and still struggle with selfishness.
I ask you that you pray for me and with me on this as the Lord continues to prune away dead branches and makes me new :)
"Lord, search my heart,and the hearts of all who read this. Reveal to us truths in our lives, even when they are painful. Give us the ability to change these things that run contrary to your nature, and grant us humility to keep us going. Thank you Lord that you finish the good work you start in us. You bring all things into completion. Lord shut my mouth when I want to speak in my selfishness. Let my words and actions be as sweet as honey. Give me wisdom to seek change in areas your are yet even to reveal. Bless our home, even though you have already blessed us beyond what we could ever deserve. Thank you for your goodness, your forgiveness, and for even caring at all about the state of my heart. You have it Lord, it is yours."
Coming super super super soon.
OK so I know it's kind of lame to tell you about a blog post that is yet to be written, but I am very anxious to write the next post. I am just super struggling to find time these days. But I wanted to let you all know what has been sooooo on my hear lately. Are you ready? S E L F I S H N E S S Oh yeah, it's written all over my heart. How about yours? I wrote twice now since the start of this blog about the root of bitterness that can take hold of us. But what I cannot wait to expand on is how totally intertwined Selfishness is with bitterness. And is in most cases the cause of bitterness. Most of you who have been reading my blog long enough know that God has really been working on my heart these past 13 or so months. It's been hard. But God's revelations are always for our good :) Amen.
Can't wait to talk it all up soon. Till then....Watch your selfishness!
Finally a day I can update.
I finally feel that I have a day with a second to update. We have been busy doing things, busy visiting people, busy driving, and BUSY RELAXING :P
Anyhow, I thought I would grab the trusty, albeit neglected, laptop and update with some photos from our trip to Tucson. Hope you all are have a great week :)
Here are the kiddo's with their PAPA hiking in Tucson...
and here they are also hiking in Tuscon with thier Uncle Jeremiah...
Here they are decorating cookies :)
And last but not least here is Jakey with his favorite person in the world...Grandma
The Blessings of Christmas.
Now as I shared a little in my last post, my husband and I seem determined to re-think Christmas every year. Part of that is because we do not like what Christmas has become. On the flipside, we also aren't particularly excited about the origins of the Christmas holiday either. So where does that leave us? Well that leaves us...... praying. And praying is always a good thing. We rediscover our passions to hold fast to the word of God every year and try not become people that would contradict our Christian walk during this very tempting time of year. Soooooo my husband and I discuss EVERY single detail of EVERY single American holiday tradition we have been raised in. We abandon some, tweak others, and discuss all. I love what that process has done for us. It has driven us to want to know the Lords heart more on everything we do.
Now, as far as Christmas is concerned, we have believed in the past so much of it was almost irredeemable, with all the materialism, self love, magic talk, and pagan backgrounds. HOWEVER, we have seen this year the amazingness (<--I am certain that is not a word, but I love it anyhow) of handing it all over to Christ. We decided to celebrate Christmas this year again and see how it goes with our limitations in place. I think God has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, He can be a light and prove himself mighty in ANYTHING! I am really enjoy this Christmas season. I am enjoying my conversation with others. I am enjoying the teaching of Advent to my children. I am enjoying the beautiful Hymns of songs of believers that sing out praises for bringing the Son to this Earth. What a miracle it was that He came to save us. That is my focus this year. We have decided to give gifts this year in much moderation, and thoughtfulness. We are excited to give to those we love. We are excited to travel to Arizona this year to visit my in-laws who we miss desperately. We are in love with Christ and celebrating His birth this year. So that's where we are at :) How about you?
Pondering Christmas
I want to start a Blog session on our thoughts on Christmas. I want to know what other Sisters in Christ are doing and thinking about his holiday too. I found a link to this post on another blog I read Called Pursuing the Old paths. I love the link and I love that Jamie at Pursuing is pondering Christmas too. More to come on what Me and my DH are thinking about Christmas lately. I strongly urge you to read the short post, I think it will get you thinking as it did me.
More to come....
My own family UNIT.
I was thinking tonight about how excited I should be about being in my hometown for Thanksgiving. We have traveled back this way once or twice for thanksgiving in the last 6 years, but for the most part, we have lived too far away to come. My mother LOVES Thanksgiving and always does it up big, so there was never a chance at my family coming to visit me during this special holiday.
However, as I was driving home tonight from cooking with my mom at her big beautiful house, I realized something. As much as I love my family, and I do love them tons, I couldn't wait to get home to MY OWN little family in our cozy little apartment. I pulled into my apartment (just down the street from my moms) and thought how grateful I am to be with my husband and kids. We have lived a pretty hectic life since my husband and I have gotten married. We have dealt with YEARS of separation due to military service, and have moved more times than I care to count. I realize how true it is when God says "And he shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife". My husband and I have had our issues for sure, but the one thing we have been able to do well is leave our fathers and mothers and cleave to one another. My husband, my daughter, my son, and I are so very very close. Wherever we go, we make it because of God, and because of the blessing of being a family unit. We are small, but we are strong in the Lord. So tonight, as I reflect on Thankfulness to the Lord, I realize that being here in Cali near my mom and brother and sister, is not what I am most thankful for. It is being where God has placed me, WITH my precious family. "Thank you God that my husband is not in a foreign country this year. Thank you Father for granting us health, that we are not confined to hospitals or beds, and thank you God for healing a broken marriage and making all things new. Lord please be with my Dad in Oklahoma, bless him this day and open His eyes to see and know you. Please show all my family their great need for your Son. Amen.
