I was hesitant to write something so very personal on here, but what is the purpose of a blog if you can't share your passions, your peeves AND your burdens? As some of you may know, my husband had a Vasectomy Reversal last September. It is a whole huge marvelous story on how we got to that point but I will save that for another time. One week after his surgery I went in for "emergency" (not quite) surgery to have my right ovary removed due to a very large cyst they deemed to be the kind that does not shrink back down. Maybe I should have gotten a second opinion, maybe I should have done lots of things, but either way, last October I had my right ovary taken out. Yet I was STILL convinced I would get pregnant right away. The very first month we tried to conceive I thought for sure It would happen. It did not. And every month at the time of my cycle I am filled with disappointment. But today I have a different feeling. I am upset! I am upset with my self most of all. Why am I so impatient (as my dear friend Candice tells me everyday)? Why do I still spend 10 dollars almost every month on STUPID pregnancy tests??????? Why? Why cant I just let this go. So maybe God is waiting, so maybe we will never be able to have another one, so maybe I should just be happy with the two I have (which by the way, NEVER say that to me, I am a bit touchy when people say that). The thing is, every month I think "this could be the month" and every time I get a negative test or my cycle, I think "I am so stupid for getting my hopes up. I am NOT going to do that next month". I have literally said that EVERY month now for a year. I tell myself not to get upset the next time. Not to get my hopes up. But, I am hopeless, and I do get them up every month. I just don't understand sometimes. I know and truly believe God is good, and loving, and awesome, and His ways are not my ways, and He is trustworthy. Yet still it is hard to accept His ways over mine. I am sorry for how "emotional" of a rant that was, but I just got a negative pregnancy test 25 minutes ago, so I am a litttttttllllleeee sensitive :)
Will you pray with me?
"Lord, please help me be patient. Guide me in handing over my worries and hopes and laying them at your feet. Help me not to pick them back up again, but leave them with you. For you are trustworthy. Help me also to not envy those with the big family I so desire, and to guide my heart to not grow angry with those who can't wait to be done having children, while I yearn until heartbreak, for more. Make me more like you Father. Amen"
struggling.
Posted by
Valerie
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
5 comments:
Thank you for sharing that Valerie. I'm so sorry you are struggling. I love that Paul says he learned to be content no matter his state (Philip 4:11). It helps me to know that it isn't easy and it doesn't come naturally. It's ok to grieve. We have to learn to be content. May we all pray that sweet prayer of yours. God will answer and give you what you need. (But I'll be praying for a baby:)
ohhhhh thank you so much. I feel much better today. My god is so good to forgive my impatient heart. I need so much work :)
p.s. thanks for praying for that baby
Valerie-
Thank you so much for sharing this! First of all let me tell you that YOU ARE NOT SILLY! Let your hope be in the Lord! He loves us more than we love ourselves! Remember that HE is never caught by surprise. I feel I need to ask this. Is your trust in becoming pregnant because you now have had a reversal? Or did you know the Lord could and would open your womb regardless. I m not saying this because a reversal was wrong. It was not! And i would have done the same thing. But the reversal was really more of "an obedience " thing unto the Lord! To show him where your heart is. i am asking this because the Lord wants your trust in him, not the "natural".
Trust in the Lord and lean not unto your own understanding. I will be praying for your new baby! And praying for you to have peace and rest! Please email me anytime!
Thank you so much "too many kids in the bathtub" (I have got to shorten that:)
I see exactly what your saying. I believe whole heatedly that God opens and closes the womb, and our reversal was just an act of obedience from a burden he put on our hearts about having it done. But I have to say, sometimes it is so easy to confuse things. I do sometimes "assume" I will get pregnant because we got reversed, and now, I sometimes assume we will NEVER get pregnant because he must have scarred over, or I am barren. But in my heart I know, the reversal does not guarantee a baby, nor does the wait guarantee I wont have one. I must remember these things!
Trusting the Lord is the best place to be! And my name is Tara :)
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