Do any of you remember when I wrote the post on Bitterness? (If you didn't you may click on the highlighted portion to read it if you like.) Well unfortunately...I am right back where I was 8 MONTHS AGO! Well not nearly as entrenched or blind to it, but "in it" all the same. I cannot believe that I found myself back in it. However, unlike last time, as far as I know this root is not as large. I feel like I am recognizing it as quickly as it is laying claim to my heart. I feel the old urges, the old thoughts, the old feelings. "Why are they here?" I ask myself. I have no clear answer. My first initial answer to that is....well....to be honest...its my husbands fault! There I said it. Now is that really true? Probably not. Is he not helping? No he is not. But the question that I poured out to my Lord, through tears, this morning at church was "Why am I not handling this well!?!?!". I honestly don't know. Could be hormones, could be stress, could be all that we have been through lately building up. Could be lots of things. What I DO KNOW is that God has given me strength before to handle these things that Jake and I are going through. He has quieted my spirit, He has silenced my angry tongue, He has shown me peace in the midst of the chaos, He has spoken sweet words to my heart when people were hurting me to the core. Why is it now I could not hear Him? Feel Him? Or sense what in the world He wanted me to do? I think I have realized it. Bitterness took root again. I mentioned before in my post all those months ago, that I would always have to be careful about it because it had become habit to me to become bitter when certain things happened. Well a lot of those "things" involve me and my husband. Recently we have had some of these struggles creep up again and instead of turning to God and accepting His peace, I became bitter. I thought to myself "NOT AGAIN! I will NOT do this again. OH God, what if it stays this way?! What can I do to stop this?" That led to plan A, B, C, D, and E which all failed miserably (I know, surprise surprise). Those things failing and making things worse, left me feeling hopeless and frustrated. So I clung to the old, and oddly comfortable place of bitterness. It was like retreating to an old friend, and I did it literally over the span of only a few days. Now that I know where I am at, and what I have done, it's time to fix it. But even that is easier said than done. Sometimes I am not sure if I am strong enough to let go and "let God", ya know? I know what needs to be done. Repent of my wrong attitude and taking things into my own hands (did that), and completely surrender the future of everything to God (not quite). I feel to weak. I feel I can say that, but my trust is low. Anyhow, if you were looking for some profound revelation that solved it all, I am sorry, I have not found it. All I know is that I am in that place that many a Christian has walked. Where you know what you have to do, and what is best, but your not sure how to get from point A to point B. Anyone else ever been there?
One thing I do know, God does not forsake. So for now, as I work on surrender and strength I know that God will not leave. He will be there waiting for me to grow. Praise His mighty name for that! :)
So ladies, be honest....any struggles going on in your bloggy worlds?
The Root of Bitterness....revisited.
Netflix, yay!
(at the end of the post I have compiled a list of good movies)
So I was on Facebook earlier, which only happens like once a week (*insert laughter and knee slapping*) and saw a discussion going on that I thought I would bring here.
One of my favorite blogs is Raising Olives and she had put out a question on Facebook about movie suggestions because she just subscribed to Netflix. I LOVE this topic. I am passionate about what should be put in front of our eyes as Christians, or even a society as a whole. While there is no law, there is biblical common sense in this. I think each family will be different from other families and that is OK. What I think is a great starting place for what we choose is this...
Am I learning something?
Am I learning something at the expense of my morals?
Does it put down my God and His Holy name?
Is it glorifying violence?
Am I watching other peoples nakedness?
Is this a good way to spend my time?
Would I take someone totally new to the faith, try and show them the truth of sin, the goodness, mercy, and holiness of God, and then sit down with them and watch this movie?
I think these questions are good to ask ourselves based on several scriptures I think can be applicable (but not made LAW)
Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Psalm 101:3
I will set before my eyes no vile thing. The deeds of faithless men I hate; they will not cling to me.
Romans 12:9
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
So when I think about shows and movies that not only show loose sexual relationships but glorify them, I cannot help but think that I TOO am glorifying it and desensitizing myself to sin, by honoring the movie and clinging to it's entertainment value. For instance, say there is a movie that is the most recent blockbuster hit. Everyone is raving about its characters, its amazing edge of your seat scenes and its captivating storyline. Let's also say that this movie uses Jesus' name as a swear word 26 times, abuses God's name 7 times, has over 20 scenes with barely clothed women and has two very steamy sex scenes. Let's say you then see the movie, are completely blown away by the plot and storyline and the next day post on Facebook "how amazing!!" this movie was. Are people seeing that we call sin "sin" or are they seeing us confuse sin with entertainment? Is that clinging to what is "good"? Are those things helping us to "think on whatever is noble"? Can we honestly say after seeing that, that "I have set no vile thing before my eyes", as the writer of the psalm said? I realize things things are not always cut and dry, nor am I trying to claim that I know what things are good and "should" be watched and what things are evil and "should" be avoided. But what I am saying is that we are to examine ourselves and our motives very closely in this culture because I think desensitization sooooo easily happens, oftentimes without even knowing it. SOOOOOOOOO here is a list of Netflix movies for all the Netflix subscribers. They range from mildly boring yet informative, to VERY entertaining, and/or spiritually uplifting. Once again, I am not claiming my standard is better than anyone's, for all I know my standard may be too liberal for some. However I can honestly say that these movies are clean, good, wholesome fun (although some may not be suitable for little ones just due to the gravity of the storyline)
My list:
Robber of the Cruel Streets: George Muller
The Peasall Sisters
In His Steps
The Eden String Quartet.
End of the Spear
Startling Proofs
The love comes softly series (although I have not seen the newest ones, so I cannot speak for their content)
Pride and Prejudice (the newer one with Keira Knightley is surprisingly CLEAN and very well made however, there are some shots of art statues that are partially nude, as well as a painting in the far background that has female nudity. Very common to that era, but nakedness none the less. this only happens in two scenes in the movie.)
The Creation Seminar (I do NOT agree with everything in this one, but it has TONS of great evidences for creation)
The search for the real Mount Sinai
Search for the Ark of the Covenant
The Christmas Miracle of Jonathan Toomey
Drive Thru History
Creatures That Defy Evolution
A Journey Home (GREAT MOVIE!)
America's Godly Heritage: Wallbuilders
Secrets of the Vine
Inherit the Land: Agrarian Journey
A Life God Rewards
The Search for the Real Mount Sinai
Apostles of Comedy
Privileged Planet
Sarah's choice
Unlocking the Mysteries of Life
Icons of evolution
A full house of blessing: Niklas family
The Stonewall Jackson Story
Time Changer
Felicity: An American Girl
Faith like potatoes
The ultimate gift
Though none go with me
End of the spear
The Family Meal Table
The living legend of Jimmy Gentry
Homestead Blessings : The art of Bread Making
: The art of Candle Making
: The art of Soap Making
(they may have added more by now)
primarily kids stuff:
Adventures in Odyssey (some are a bit dramatic for younger ones)
Bug rangers
T.R.U.T.H about the Dinosaurs
Inspiring Animated Heroes (such as Helen Keller)
3-2-1 Penguins
Well what can I say but THANK YOU!! My sweet and "nice" friend Celee over at "Miscellaneous Musings of a 5x Mom" awarded me this very cute and quirky blog award. I have to totally agree with her answer that when it comes to whether I am Naughty or Nice, I would have to say that although I don't consider myself naughty (anymore at least), I do see my sin nature far too often to say I am nice. But I appreciate her words that she thinks I am none the less :)
Anyway, these are the questions I'm supposed to answer.
1. What is the silliest prank you ever played on someone?
Hummm well I've never been good at "silly" pranks. Mostly I just went along with the pranks being played around me, whether they be silly, tame, or really dangerous. I do however remember a time (under the tutelage of my sister) switching the sugar in the sugar shaker with salt and watching my much older half brother pour it in his coffee, take a drink, and then swear like a sailor. Good times good times.
2. If you could take a trip anywhere out of the country where would you go? Why?
Well i would have to start this out by being totally honest about my DEEP fear of flying. However if I could somehow telaport myself somewhere outside of the country and avoid the nightmarish event we simply label "flying", then I would definitely love to travel the middle east and visit Turkey and Israel. However Ireland is a very close second. I would love the rich history of the middle east and I would love to see our families genealogy played out in the land of Ireland.(OK were really not all that much Irish, but enough to see the heritage there)
3. Who plays the most influential role in your life?
Sometimes my husband, sometimes my friends, and sadly sometimes the world.
4. Are you ok with your significant other being friends with an ex?
No, not really....ummm yeah I almost certain that would be awwwwwwwwkward. Neither my husband nor I really keep in touch with many friends of the opposite sex. So thankfully we have not had to face that in recent years.
5. Favorite candle scent?
Anything that is usually put out in Fall and Winter. Pumpkin Spice, Caramel, Apple, Pie.
6. Next movie you're excited about seeing?
I have lost my excitement for most movies. A lot of movies are trash and filled with trash so I try not to get my hopes up. Maybe one day they will come out with an awesome family movie, that is clean (without naked bodies,swearing, blasphemy, or intense gore)and actually has good acting. THEN I will get excited.
7. You must ban one word from the dictionary and all usage, to be no longer uttered or written. What word do you ban?
I would like for people not to take the Lord's name in vain. And I don't like it when people use vulgar words. However, I wouldn't ban any words from the dictionary. The problem is not with the words, but with the people who mis-use them. (I stole this answer from Celee, because it is exactly as I would have answered)
8. Do you have any relatives in jail?
I'm sure I do. I have such a large extended family that you really can never tell ;)
9. What crazy fads were popular when you were a teenager?
All sorts of randomness happened in the late nineties, however in my private catholic school, we wore uniforms, so our fads came in form of socks and shoes. which for me and my friends was converse all stars with tall gym socks that went to the knee and two colored stripes at the top. That's pretty much what we wore everyday with our pleated skirts and button up shirts. (I know we were too cool.....not)
10. Have you ever been mentioned in a newspaper or on TV?
Yes. I was interviewed by several news reporters when my neighbor killed his wife and shot himself. Apparently a young teen just home from school, standing next to the yellow crime tape is perfect for getting to answer questions on camera. It was crazy the next day at school all kinds of kids walked by me and said "I saw you on the news!". I just remember thinking to myself "Well that's embarrassing, I didn't think teens watched the news!"
I'm supposed to pass this award on to 10 of my blogging friends unless I'm feeling naughty- in that case I can just pass it on to 5.
These ladies are definitely NICE.
It's your turn...
Julie at "All things Sunshiney"
Becky at "Adventures with the Ames"
Sandy at "Celebrating Life"
Mandy at "the life and times of Mandy mom"
Grace at "The Crouch family"
...to answer the above questions and pass along the award. Thanks for being a nice influence in my life!
Bathing suits.
The answer is NO, I am not in the mood to tackle the great debate of bathing suits and modesty just yet. However I would like to quickly and briefly show you all, before my day gets too hectic, that modest bathing suits DOES NOT have to equal "water proof potato sacks".
Check out these totally cute modest bathing suits that may not be completely conventional, but definitely do the job of covering up the ta-ta's while helping you still look feminine and fashionable. 
Praising Him.
Man sometimes I forget the simple truth that Praising Him brings joy. Circumstances change, our hearts and feelings are fickle at best. Things come and go. But HE remains.
I was in the car the other day and listening to this song. I had heard it before, several times actually. This time though something inside me whispered..."listen". So I did. I could not believe the amazing gravity of these words. The words, unlike a lot of christian songs these days, were filled with such depth and praise. I broke out in instantaneous tears. What a GREAT GOD we serve. Doesn't that thought ever just blow you away? Please watch this video and read the lyrics. They are truly a statement of faith. The whole song is great, but what gets me is the line "I am giving my life to the only one who could make the moon reflect the sun, every starry night was His design". OH how I forget how BIG my God is sometimes. To think, that the one who designed our sky, is the one who wishes all things to come together for good, and loves me enough to make me part of that awesome plan. He hears me. He knows me. And He loves me deeply. Love this song :)
Playing Survivorman.
I have to admit something.......I LOVE the show Survivorman. I have watched on Netflix every episode of all three seasons that he made. My husband and I are glued to the TV when this rugged Canadian drops himself in the middle of nowhere and video tapes himself surviving for 7 days. He builds fires and shelters,using all sorts of methods, catches anything from frogs, to snakes, and birds to eat. It's fascinating. Honestly. To top it off, the show is clean ;)
I am thinking my kids liked the show too because lately that's all they seem to be playing. They get out their "camping/survival kits" that their NaNa got them, and just imagine away. These pictures were taken this morning, during one of the many hours they have spent lately playing "Survivorman". They are too cute. In one of these pictures they have made an animal trap by tying yarn to a hammer and a toy car and pretending the small animal tries the grab the car and in so doing, pulls the hammer down on itself. Gross, I know. Also in the background is their "shelter" they have set up with a blanket and some books stretched between the couch and ottoman.
Oh and the cool survivor kits my mom got them included a REAL, compass, multi-tool, metal water bottle, and collapsible fork, spoon, and knife. Now THOSE are toys!
How I feel.
Well, here goes the promised next part of my "What happened" post. (if you have not yet read the first part, please read that first, thanks)
Funny, but "How I feel" is very complicated. There is not one feeling to describe how I feel about what happened and how I feel about it now that it is "over". I can probably describe it best in stages.
When I had the kids...
I felt sure of my self at first. I didn't necessarily "feel" it was God's will for me to do fostering, but I thought surely He would be behind any such sacrificial act. But then as things started to go awry, and we all started to sort of feel as if nothing was going to go right I started to doubt everything. Some of my doubts included thoughts like "Why in the world can't I make this work?!", "This is just a small boy and a baby, why are we all falling apart?", "If God were truly behind good deeds, then why isn't He in this with me? Why can I not feel Him?", "This boy is hard, but my own son was pretty hard, why is this different?".
When they were placed back...
When the decision was made, between me, my husband, my two other foster mom friends, and the case worker, to place them back into the previous homes, my feelings and thoughts went to these, "I do not deserve to be a mom. What kind of mother gives up on helping kids, even those who are not her own?", "Once people find out what I have done, they will know I must not be a strong enough Christian, for if I were, I would have been able to make this work." , "I don't understand what God want's from me. Why does he place a desire in my heart for children, yet make me barren??? Why does He place it in my heart to adopt, yet it seems to be obvious we cannot handle anything of the sort?!". Also during these dark hours of thoughts of total and complete failure on my part, I was refusing to talk to people. For probably the first time in my adult life, I could not turn to people. Most anyone who knows me, knows I need to talk about my feelings. I talk about my anger, my sadness, my joy, my hopes, my fears, my parenting, my marriage, and my walk with God.
But for the first time I didn't want to talk about it at all. I ignored phone calls from some of my most favorite and beloved family members and friends. I even ignored calls from my mother and mother in law, both of whom I usually turn to in distress. I didn't want anyone to know how hard I had failed. The thing was, so many people had such hope in me. I had the greatest supporters. And I had let them down. OR so it seemed.
Days later...
Days later, I started realizing some things. Thanks to my Mother, my Mother in law, and some very strong Christians I know, I was able to stop crying for a minute and think it through. I was given love, non judgmental advice, and even some sound rebuking by a man in our community group. This friend of ours looked at me and told me plainly that I was taking on false emotions of guilt. I was taking on the emotions of the children and that would help me none. The social workers had made some mistakes, the parents had failed, and the lack of information given, and my foolish exuberance to jump into things without clearly thinking, all played a part in having this be a bad match for our family. But it was NOT all because I had failed. It is a sick and dying world filled with sin, hate, and pain, but I, Valerie, cannot save it. That is the job of another. He then repeated what several other friends had said.....I had to take care of and DO the things God has already required of me. Raise my children well, work on my marriage and make it a good example for others to follow , homeschool my children, and pray consistently for what God may have else for me to do. In the meantime, love others, and love God, for this sums up all the laws and the prophets.
I know that in my head now, but translating that to my heart is still slow going. I no longer feel that heaviness weighing me down. But I still have a sense of shame and failure. I still feel scared and doubtful about sticking to our original plan of adopting. I am unsure of many things still. However, here are SOME things I AM sure of right now...
* "Good things" don't always equal "God things"
* Although I have a deep desire to have a big family, God wants me to be content with the little one I have now.
* The verse in Phillipians 4:13 that says "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" does not mean God backs me on every plan I take on.
*Healing comes with time and Truth.
*God had given me the beautiful body of Believers to turn to NO MATTER where I go.
*My husband rocks and is already seeking God's truth in it all, has repented of his anger, and is ready to try again, even with adopting (albeit a little farther down the road). He amazes me.
Right now, everything is on hold, even if we wanted to try foster care or adopting. We are currently in Oklahoma, but because of several issues with his military job here (we are on one year orders), we may be ending orders early on September 1st, or October 26th. Either way, I see now, even if things had worked out, we would have had to of moved at some point in the near future and the children would not have been able to come with us. Unless you are stable, unlike us right now, it is hard all around to make plans, much less involve other people into the equation.
And last, but not least, to answer a few questions I am sure some must have
"YES I do realize that if they were my own children, I could not have placed them back. I would have had to make it work. I wish I could answer why it was different in this case, but I can't. But unless you have fostered and seen its challenges, and some of the hopeless feelings that come with issues AND knowing they don't get to stay even if you work those issues out then please refrain from giving me advice. NOT because you are wrong, or because it is unwarranted, but because I fear it will confuse and distress me even further."
"YES I realize adoption could be just as hard or even harder. Again, I don't know what to think but we are still discussing on it"
"NO I am not always a total basket case, but it has been an unstable time. We have had lots of victories, lots of growing, lots of fun and love in the last few years. BUT we have also faced infertility, joblessness, debt (which we are so against and thankfully now COMPLETELY out of), my husband going back to school, my husbands 1 year deployment to Iraq, selling our house, moving to Oklahoma, a major car wreck that totaled our van and injured me, working six months to complete training and background for adoptions, and failed foster attempt, and my husband is having almost weekly doctor appointments for his DAILY migraines. On top of that we are looking at either joblessness and moving back towards family in the next 2 to 5 months, OR getting a job and moving to yet another unfamiliar place. Is this all stressful? Absolutely! But in the moments where I am not sad about our failed foster attempt, I am joyfully optimistic. God provided AMAZING friends and a GREAT church here. He can do that anywhere. He provided this job, even though we knew it was only temporary, he can provide another. He saved my husband from another deployment, and holds my family together. He is daily speaking Truth into my heart, where the liar has placed falsehood. WE WILL BE OK! I know this now. OK well, I am done for now. It's time to get dinner on the table. I hope you all have an awesome day.
Val
