A post on all things personal

OK, just an FYI this post may be filled with TMI. For those of you who may not know, that stands for TOO MUCH INFORMATION. If you are looking for a fun post on homeschooling go to Raisingolives.com, or posts on great adventures in traveling across the states go to blogginbridget.blogspot.com, and if you love learning more about scripture and theology, and creation, Celee has some awesome posts lately on that at http://miscellaneousmusings-x.blogspot.com/. But alas, today I only have my little dilemmas and small revelations that God has given me about some personal things I have been going through lately, so if you are interested, here goes.

Update on growing our family. No,I am still not pregnant. I will talk further on my thoughts on that in a bit. But for now I would love to share with you that we had our first homestudy visit last night. The "homestudy" is the next step in our process towards adoption. It is kind of a scary step in the sense that a person comes into your home, asks you a TON of personal questions, judges your answers, inspects your home, investigates your background, your history, your family, your friends, and basically just freaks you out a little bit. At least that's what I had been told. Our lady who is doing our homestudy however, was awesome! I had heard horror stories on the homestudy people being aloof and taking up to a year to get the work done. I don't think that will be the case with her. She was efficient, fast moving, kind, personable, and I am almost certain a Christian. So we have one more homestudy visit left, and 27 hours of classes to go. Either way, we are starting, and that is exciting.

How I feel about not being able to conceive for the past year and a half. I think I feel differently every month actually. The first few months of trying, were disappointing, the next few months of no conception was when I foolishly allowed myself to become bitter. The few months after that I was sad and disappointed, almost to the point of depression and still held on to a bit of the bitterness. Now I think I am at a point that I need to be in. A point of honesty, with myself, and with God. A point of forgiveness with myself and my husband for what we had done. No more bitterness, no more anger. The greatest part of all though is that I am at a point were I truly realize the power and sovereignty of God, and rest in that. I can write a whole post on just the subject of what God is revealing to me about decisions, consequences, grace, forgiveness, and how He makes ALL things new again. But for now, I will just say, this is where I am at. I love Him, and I love my family. Yet still I grieve for the opportunity to have a child within my womb. I probably always will.

Physical issues (this it the TMI part). I had an ovary removed and year and a half ago due to a large dermoid cyst on my right ovary. Since then things have gone a little down hill. Within the last 7 months my hair is changing, my cycles are changing, my sleep is changing, even my skin is changing. I have been spotting before my cycles now for 6 months. As of this last cycle, I am now spotting before and AFTER my cycle (see I told you this may be more than you wanted to know about me :) On top of all of that, for the last 3 weeks I have woken up EVERY night drenched in sweat (in the middle of winter, may I remind you). I am 28 and having HOT FLASHES PEOPLE!! So I went to my primary care physician, and told her what was going on. Two things were discussed, both of which I already suspected. My thyroid possibly being out of whack, and the possiblity that I am going through perimenopause. Are you shouting at your computer "wait Valerie, you are only 28, its impossible to go through menopause that early!". Actually it has been known to happen to women who have had an ovary removed. It usually happens within the first two years. Which is exactly where I am at. Thyroid is another possibility and would explain a lot. Anyhow, my doc sent me to the lab to do blood work. She ran tests to check hormone levels and thyroid. Both came back normal. This should comfort me, right? No. Unfortunately for myself I sort have a sick addiction to self diagnosing sites like WebMD. I have learned that even if you are in perimenopause (perimenopause meaning you are starting menopause, but not fully in Menopause) your hormone levels will stay "normal" on tests. They will only register "abnormal" when you are IN menopause. So no comfort with that at all. As far as the Thyroid is concerned, unfortunately I have been told by several people with thyroid issues that it is incredibly hard to pin point your exact problems with thyroid. So I sort of feel back as square one. I am OK though. I hate that things are going a little wacky with me physically, and the thought of my one precious ovary shriveling up at the age of 28 makes me want to crawl in bed and cry. But at the end of the day, this is my life. What will I make of it? Will sit around depressed over things I cannot change? Certainly not. Will I have remorse for what I have done (Jake and I deciding to get he vasectomy)? Always. But for now, I will praise my God, that He has given me so much that I do not deserve already. I am reaping SOME consequences of my decisions, but not near as many as I could have. God has been gracious and merciful to me. He has always bestowed such great blessings on me. So do I doubt Him now that He is not giving me what I want? No. I did for a while, but not now. I am learning so much about this great God I serve. So for now, I leave you with my personal issues, of life, learning, hot flashes and periods.
Oh please do come again after this post! :)
p.s. if you are a doctor or nurse (or have gone through this) please post some info for me! I am always on the lookout for free advice!