How I feel.

Well, here goes the promised next part of my "What happened" post. (if you have not yet read the first part, please read that first, thanks)

Funny, but "How I feel" is very complicated. There is not one feeling to describe how I feel about what happened and how I feel about it now that it is "over". I can probably describe it best in stages.

When I had the kids...
I felt sure of my self at first. I didn't necessarily "feel" it was God's will for me to do fostering, but I thought surely He would be behind any such sacrificial act. But then as things started to go awry, and we all started to sort of feel as if nothing was going to go right I started to doubt everything. Some of my doubts included thoughts like "Why in the world can't I make this work?!", "This is just a small boy and a baby, why are we all falling apart?", "If God were truly behind good deeds, then why isn't He in this with me? Why can I not feel Him?", "This boy is hard, but my own son was pretty hard, why is this different?".

When they were placed back...
When the decision was made, between me, my husband, my two other foster mom friends, and the case worker, to place them back into the previous homes, my feelings and thoughts went to these, "I do not deserve to be a mom. What kind of mother gives up on helping kids, even those who are not her own?", "Once people find out what I have done, they will know I must not be a strong enough Christian, for if I were, I would have been able to make this work." , "I don't understand what God want's from me. Why does he place a desire in my heart for children, yet make me barren??? Why does He place it in my heart to adopt, yet it seems to be obvious we cannot handle anything of the sort?!". Also during these dark hours of thoughts of total and complete failure on my part, I was refusing to talk to people. For probably the first time in my adult life, I could not turn to people. Most anyone who knows me, knows I need to talk about my feelings. I talk about my anger, my sadness, my joy, my hopes, my fears, my parenting, my marriage, and my walk with God.
But for the first time I didn't want to talk about it at all. I ignored phone calls from some of my most favorite and beloved family members and friends. I even ignored calls from my mother and mother in law, both of whom I usually turn to in distress. I didn't want anyone to know how hard I had failed. The thing was, so many people had such hope in me. I had the greatest supporters. And I had let them down. OR so it seemed.

Days later...
Days later, I started realizing some things. Thanks to my Mother, my Mother in law, and some very strong Christians I know, I was able to stop crying for a minute and think it through. I was given love, non judgmental advice, and even some sound rebuking by a man in our community group. This friend of ours looked at me and told me plainly that I was taking on false emotions of guilt. I was taking on the emotions of the children and that would help me none. The social workers had made some mistakes, the parents had failed, and the lack of information given, and my foolish exuberance to jump into things without clearly thinking, all played a part in having this be a bad match for our family. But it was NOT all because I had failed. It is a sick and dying world filled with sin, hate, and pain, but I, Valerie, cannot save it. That is the job of another. He then repeated what several other friends had said.....I had to take care of and DO the things God has already required of me. Raise my children well, work on my marriage and make it a good example for others to follow , homeschool my children, and pray consistently for what God may have else for me to do. In the meantime, love others, and love God, for this sums up all the laws and the prophets.

I know that in my head now, but translating that to my heart is still slow going. I no longer feel that heaviness weighing me down. But I still have a sense of shame and failure. I still feel scared and doubtful about sticking to our original plan of adopting. I am unsure of many things still. However, here are SOME things I AM sure of right now...
* "Good things" don't always equal "God things"
* Although I have a deep desire to have a big family, God wants me to be content with the little one I have now.
* The verse in Phillipians 4:13 that says "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" does not mean God backs me on every plan I take on.
*Healing comes with time and Truth.
*God had given me the beautiful body of Believers to turn to NO MATTER where I go.
*My husband rocks and is already seeking God's truth in it all, has repented of his anger, and is ready to try again, even with adopting (albeit a little farther down the road). He amazes me.


Right now, everything is on hold, even if we wanted to try foster care or adopting. We are currently in Oklahoma, but because of several issues with his military job here (we are on one year orders), we may be ending orders early on September 1st, or October 26th. Either way, I see now, even if things had worked out, we would have had to of moved at some point in the near future and the children would not have been able to come with us. Unless you are stable, unlike us right now, it is hard all around to make plans, much less involve other people into the equation.

And last, but not least, to answer a few questions I am sure some must have
"YES I do realize that if they were my own children, I could not have placed them back. I would have had to make it work. I wish I could answer why it was different in this case, but I can't. But unless you have fostered and seen its challenges, and some of the hopeless feelings that come with issues AND knowing they don't get to stay even if you work those issues out then please refrain from giving me advice. NOT because you are wrong, or because it is unwarranted, but because I fear it will confuse and distress me even further."

"YES I realize adoption could be just as hard or even harder. Again, I don't know what to think but we are still discussing on it"

"NO I am not always a total basket case, but it has been an unstable time. We have had lots of victories, lots of growing, lots of fun and love in the last few years. BUT we have also faced infertility, joblessness, debt (which we are so against and thankfully now COMPLETELY out of), my husband going back to school, my husbands 1 year deployment to Iraq, selling our house, moving to Oklahoma, a major car wreck that totaled our van and injured me, working six months to complete training and background for adoptions, and failed foster attempt, and my husband is having almost weekly doctor appointments for his DAILY migraines. On top of that we are looking at either joblessness and moving back towards family in the next 2 to 5 months, OR getting a job and moving to yet another unfamiliar place. Is this all stressful? Absolutely! But in the moments where I am not sad about our failed foster attempt, I am joyfully optimistic. God provided AMAZING friends and a GREAT church here. He can do that anywhere. He provided this job, even though we knew it was only temporary, he can provide another. He saved my husband from another deployment, and holds my family together. He is daily speaking Truth into my heart, where the liar has placed falsehood. WE WILL BE OK! I know this now. OK well, I am done for now. It's time to get dinner on the table. I hope you all have an awesome day.
Val

Breath......OK here we go.

I was putting this post off until I felt a little bit more like writing it. Well it turns out, I will never be ready to write and share things that are deeply personal and painful for me. They are just plain not fun to write. I also knew however that the daily questions of "what happened?" could not easily be ignored, so I thought it best to just go ahead and get it out there.

I am going to write it in three sections, so that I can keep my thoughts organized. Please read all three section before commenting, or passing any judgment. I am not saying you are not entitled to judge, just try and wait until I have written everything. The three sections will be, "What happened", "How I feel", and "What I am learning".

What happened.

For at least 6 years now my husband and I have been considering adoption. We have not always talked seriously about it and sometimes it was just one of those things where you say "Maybe one day...". However, when we got the one year orders for a job in Oklahoma through the military, we finally decided that maybe this was a good time to really pursue it. So in January, we started our homestudy (basically a thorough background check and in depth interview into who you are and why you are adopting). We then started the foster and adoption classes through DHS (department of human services). At this time we were not really considering foster at all, but the classes for foster or adopt were the same, so you took them regardless of which one you were doing. My husband and I briefly discussed fostering and after a few nights discussion, realized it was a not a good fit for our family, or our time line. So we stuck with the plan of doing what we needed to do for adoption, and if God opened a door, we would take it.
Jump forward several months and we have both finally completed all of our classes and our homestudy. Our worker calls me on a Wednesday and we set up an appointment for a Thursday to discuss where to go from here. My thinking was that I was going to get more information and be told a little bit more about the whole process. Since I knew very little about how it all worked, I went into Thursdays meeting very ignorant. However I did know that they were more than likely going to ask me to try fostering while I waited to adopt. They are in such need of good foster families, that of course it's a given they will ask. So the night before the meeting I started to reconsider my stance on fostering. Mostly I thought whimsical ideas of shy children whom I would love and hug until they were whole and healed, and then be told "Valerie, would you like to adopt these precious children?" to that of course I would answer "YES!". I knew it wasn't realistic, but I let thoughts roam anyhow.

So the next day I walk in my social worker's office with my two curious and excited homeschooled children. We exchange pleasantries, and I start asking some basic questions. She answer's my basic questions and then asks if I am ready to foster. I tell her that my husband and I had decided not to foster when we were doing classes, but that we are not saying "NO, NEVER!", just "we are not sure its a good fit for us." One reason, although there was many, was the school age factor. Being that we homeschool and it is illegal to homeschool foster children, we thought that might be a hard adjustment for a school age foster child to be the only one sent off to school everyday, when the rest of the family stays home. Then it happened. She held up the paper and my heart melted. She told me she was in dire need of a foster home for a 3 year old boy (to which my son shouts in my ear, "yeah mom a boy!") and his 3 month old baby sister (to which my daughter shouts in my ear, "yeah mom a BABY!"). She offers me no other information besides gender and age, I being new, didn't know what else to ask. My hearts starts to melt and race all at the same time. I become absolutely engrossed in these two precious children, and all other reservations against fostering go out the window. I tell her I must call my husband and ask him and that I would call her within thirty minutes of leaving her office to let her know. I no sooner walk out the building and I am on the phone with my husband. The two children and their precious little ages touches his heart the same as mine and he says "yes". I call the worker and I am told I will be placed with them the very next day. My heart was racing with excitement. I went to Goodwill and purchased some small inexpensive baby things and some little toddler toys for the 3 year old. I make phone calls and for the next 24 hours friends drop off pack and plays, clothes, toddler bed, bottles, pacifiers, and blankets.
The children arrive the next afternoon by a social worker who also knows very little about the children. You see every foster or adoptive family has their own social worker kind of "assigned" to them and every child in the system has their own social worker "assigned" to them. These children had a social worker who knew all about them. Their history, their temperament, the reason they were put into care in the first place, how many times they had been put into homes, and if there was any behavioral issues. However, their social worker was out of town on vacation during all of this, so I was placed with the two children by a worker who did not know the children nor anything about them, and placed into a home that knew even less. I cannot go into too much detail but I will do my best to sum up what happened after that. I came to find out that very day through a friend who does emergency foster care here (and has done foster and also has adopted through the system for 12 years), that there was several people who knew the kids and were very shocked they were being placed together and that they were being placed with a "new" foster family. I just took that warning as "they doubt my abilities". How prideful I was. It turns out the baby, was incredibly needy. She needed to be held constantly and would cry often if you laid her down. She also suffered from colic and reflux both of which (along with the added stress of me not being familiar and her brother screaming all day) kept her up a good majority of the night, and not very happy at all from about 5pm to 2am. The boy on the other hand had no problem sleeping. It was the daytime that was his trouble. He adjusted OK the first day and a half, but then the tantrums went from screaming to pure rage. Anytime he felt frustrated at anything, food, toys, sharing, going to the bathroom, or getting in the car, he raged. He screamed, hit walls, threw toys, and eventually hit my son and myself. I stayed calm and consistent with him. I calmly talked him through, and did consistent time outs. If I had to put the baby down to go speak to him, hold him, or place him on a time out, my eight year old daughter shouldered the burden of taking care of the baby so that I could. Usually at the little boy's loudest points, my six year old son would find a place to go sit and put his hands over his ears. My daughter and I felt such sadness and compassion for this boy that it brought us to tears many times during the day. The tears of sadness for these precious children were shed during the day, and my tears of hopelessness and exhaustion were shed at night. We kept on. I kept holding and rocking the baby in between putting the our foster boy on time out and keeping everyone safe from his rage. Also within this time we realized I could no longer go to the grocery store with my children like I used to. The little boy would get frustrated with wanting things and scream as loud as he could in the store. I tried going to the store once and that was all it took to realize that I could not do it. The grocery store was not the only thing to go. I could not even get one dinner meal on the table. Also all cleaning, homeschooling and spending time with my two children went out the door. I was so tied up with the two very needy and almost "special needs" children that my two had to wait until bedtime. We put the other two to sleep and then let our two stay up later to spend time with them. Which posed another problem of my husband and I having any time together. This is when things started to break down. I saw because I wanted to do a "good" thing (fostering) I was neglecting all my other responsibilities. My home, my kids, my teaching, my cooking and providing, and my nurturing of my husband. Other Foster parents that I knew were coming by to visit and saw how things were going. They kept saying "Valerie, this was a bad placement, you can't keep doing this, it's not your fault. These children should not have been placed together". that's when I learned that another section of DHS had been suggesting that the boy not be placed with other children. Yet I had only one question for myself, one that plagued me constantly all day....."WHY can't I do this??!! I should be able to do this!" I just kept thinking that it should all be working out. Maybe it needed more time, maybe I needed less sleep (although I was only going on a few hours a night). I could not understand why it wasn't working. I was a strong woman. My kids were great kids. I knew how to handle children. I kept my cool. I stayed consistent. But inside, my husband and I had no peace. We were in constant turmoil over this decision. Finally, the last night we had them, my husband came home, and he was edgy. He was stressed, and it was showing. He told me he just wanted to "forget the world". I knew my husbands history with alcoholism, and he knew it well too. We did not like what this was doing to our family and our marriage. I called a friend who was a fellow foster mom and broke down and cried. I told her everything that had been going on, what I was feeling, and what my husband was going through. She said simply "Valerie, the kids must go today. They need individual homes and you need to protect what God has given you to protect and take care of." The first four days, the idea of placing them back with other foster homes, was not an option for us. But that day, it became the only option left. I cried the entire day. I called DHS, and we set up a time to place the children back into the homes they were previously in. It was a blessing that they were both able to go back to the homes they had already been in for 6 weeks, rather than go to all new houses. However, I felt like I wanted to die that day. I felt undeserving to be called a "mom", or even a human for that matter. I felt like the lowest person on the planet. I was depressed, and felt I had hurt these children by giving up on them. I could not stop crying the whole day. My husband felt frustrated and overwhelmed too, but he turned it to anger instead of depression like me. He was angry at the biological families, at DHS, at me, and even God. We felt like failures, but we also felt like we were somehow given a "hard time" by God for doing something good. We were confused.

Next post will be "How I feel" and "What I learned", which will talk more about why we were wrong to feel some of the things we felt, how we worked through that, who helped us, and what Truth brought us out it.

An update...sort of.

OK here is the update......I am not ready to give one. Lame I know.

The thing is, as much as I am doing better, I am still too worn, emotional, and raw to really write all about it right now. I can say this, we have been through a challenging time, and I am hoping to learn from it. I am working through lots of "feelings", so when I get those out of the way, I am hoping God will reveal to me the many lessons, of stepping out on our own, and leaning on our own understanding. He already has in some respects, but like I said, I need to work through the emotions that cloud my head and heart from the Truth first, in order to hear completely. At this moment that is what I am doing. Taking it one day at a time, and getting back into reading the Word, praying to the one I know hears me, even when I don't feel it. When the things clear up a bit, I will be writing all about it I am sure.

I hope everyone enjoys their Holiday weekend, and spends extra time hugging and kissing your little ones.

Can I admit...

Can I admit, that things are hard? That fostering is hard? It is. We have not even hit the 24 hour mark, and things are difficult. There are lots of little issues that I feel confident to deal with, but the hard ones, are the ones that effect my own children. My daughter, is my helper, my sweetie, my worrier, is taking it so hard. Not in the way you would naturally think. She feels so sorry for these sweet children that her empathy has caused tears already three time. But she also feels shame that she is already having a hard time dealing with all the crying that little "T" has been doing lately. I have explained to her that it is normal for him to cry a lot, and to throw fits. I also told her that it is normal for her to feel sorry, and angry, and scared, all at the same time. I feel the same way. She is clinging to me for comfort, and also retreating from realty by sneaking off and putting her nose into a book. Does this scare me? Absolutely. Is it very possible this will all calm down with a few days of good routine and getting to know one another? It's possible. We will see how it goes. All I know now is things are hard. I am praying for strength from our Heavenly Father, for strength in taking care of the least of these, but also taking care of the ones God had entrusted to me. Be praying for us too, will ya?

More to come on this fostering update. I only squeezed this one in because both foster children happen to be sleeping.
Till then.

Our new chore system.

I am going to post some pictures on a very simple chore system we are using right now. I just came up with it one day because I realized I had everything I needed to make them. I love not spending extra money, it makes me seriously giddy to recycle things in my house and give them new uses. First I have to say that there was nothing wrong with our old chore system (we did chore packs=cards or "post it notes" with chores written or drawn on them, then shoved inside a clear badge that attaches to the child). It worked great, but I was sensing it was time to change things up a bit. My kids are military kids, and you have to keep them on their toes sometimes :)

Anyhow, where was I?

Oh yes! The new chore system. Soo first I went to Microsoft Word and found clip art of some chores I wanted the kids to do. You would not believe all the clip art you can find on that thing!
For instance..
A picture of a Cat= do litter box
A picture of a lady washing dishes= wash some dishes
A picture of a dishwasher= empty dishwasher (or whatever things you know how to)
A picture of a toy= put away all the toys on your bedroom floor
A picture of a hanger= hang up or fold all you clothes in your bedroom
A picture of a child brushing his teeth= well, you get the picture (pun intended)

Anyhow, as you can see I just put them on a Word Document, then printed them all out (I made doubles because I have two children and they each need their own pictures for their chore list).

Then I took my laminator (they sell these at Sams club for a very decent price and we love ours) and laminated the page with the clip art then cut them into small squares.

After that I took a roll of magnet tape (the thick kind) that we had laying around and cut smaller squares and attached it to the back side of the laminated clip art picture. I was able to attach it easily because the magnet tape roll had an adhesive side on it.

After that I took these LARGE white magnets that I had attached to the side of my refrigerator. I had bought these in the winter at Walmart because they claimed you could just simply put them up on some of the vents in your house that are not being used as much, and it would keep the cold draft form seeping in. They were not the right size for our vents AND they did not stay on. So we had these random huge rectangle magnets on our fridge for 4 months. Finally they have a use.

OK I did it again.....rabbit trail........

Sooooo I wrote in permanent marker a child's name on each one, then divided them in half and wrote "morning" on one side and "evening" on the other. Because once a day is not enough to have kids helping around the house. I'm just sayin....

Then all you do is put the magnet chart and clip arts low enough to be eye level with children and VIOLA! you have a chart. I simply walk over to the fridge in the morning, after I turn my coffee machine on, and put some "chores" onto their "charts". They magnetize perfectly and the children simply take them off the chart when they are done. We love it. It works for us. The pictures are so easy and I can change the chores daily if I feel like it. I like that freedom. For instance if the child fusses at doing his chores I simply let him know that I will add another chore if he whines, and then of course follow through if he/she doesn't stop immediately. Having that option of adding chores if necessary is not used often, but when it is used, it is highly effective and VERY handy :)

The last picture is the finished product with ALL the chores on the list. I did this only to show you all the clip art I made. I usually though only have about five for the morning and five for the evening, give or take.

Totally awesome superrific update.

Jake is not going to Iraq. At least that is the most recent news :) With the Army you can never be super sure about anything. But as of right now, they are not taking Him. Praise the Lord. Thank you to anyone who prayed. Although I know they could change their minds and take him at the last minute, I still praise my God in the midst of unknowns, and as of right now.....this news rocks! Here are some pictures of my totally cute kids, just because.

Crazy Storms.

OK, so I knew when I moved to Oklahoma I was headed to tornado alley, (although I was sort of already in it while living in Arkansas), but SHEESH, this is a lot of storms. In the few short months we have been here, there have been ice storms, blizzards, tornado's, hail, thunderstorms, flooding, and days with over 100 degree temps. I think the storms here like to mimic my life, HA!

So here are some updates...

~Jake is still going to deploy (we do not know yet if it's Iraq or Afghanistan)
~We are still hoping, praying and *trying* to get pregnant
~We are still deciding on where I should live while Jake is overseas(stay here in Oklahoma or return to California for that year to be closer to family)
~Our adoption process is, to say the least, still up in the air.

God is sustaining me as always. I want to fall apart, fall into worry, fall into pity, or fall into depression, but He just wont let me. He keeps bringing fantastic things and people into my life, to balance out the craziness that seems to be our future. Here are some great things that keep me and my kids sane and lifted up...

~I have a fantastic walking buddy whom I walk with 3 times a week(3 miles each time)
~Ireland has a great sewing teacher as well as a violin/piano teacher, both of whom we love.
~Jake is working a little less than his usual 70 hours a week. yay!!!!
~My kids are the best kids ever and our summer schooling is going great!
~I know some of the most amazing Christian ladies out here, and they serve me coffee whenever I want it :)
~I just recently starting attending a bible study at church, and I am loving me some Beth Moore.
~lastly, simply His Word.

Hope all is well with everyone! Have a great week. I will not be on here much due to the fact that my computer had to be sent away for repair. Apparently it thought it was funny to throw some horizontal lines through my screen and make them dance the jig. No fun. So anyways, I have to borrow my husbands computer to come check the blog and he is a little selfish with it spends a lot of time on it, so I wont be on much.