Tomorrow, my husband and I are taking lunch to the birth mother and father of our future son. This is far beyond anything I had imagined I would be doing in this journey. As so many of you know, I was researching and planning and on board with international adoption for sooooooo long that the thought of "birth mother" rarely crossed my mind. I thought "orphanage" and plenty of other words and scenarios, but birth mom? Not so much. But then things changed. God just abruptly picked us up off one path and deposited us on another.
I want to love her and show her that love with my actions, but how do I do that without....well.....freaking her out??
Truly, I don't know what it will be like to sit and have a meal at their house tomorrow. Will it be awkward? Maybe. Will I have a clue what I am doing? NO way. But I know God must guide us, to be for them, what we need to be. I just want to wrap my arms around her, yet I am so afraid. Afraid of what she might think or interpret, afraid I will push her away with my love. But here goes. We officially meet tomorrow. Following the meal I will go with her to her doctor appointment, and she will decide in the waiting room whether or not she wants me to go in the room with her. Pray for Jake and I. Pray for the birth Mother and Father. Here we go........
Birth Mom.and doctor apt.
The Call.
So here's the good stuff.........
Thursday:
On Thursday afternoon I was watering my back yard and picking up dog poo (my life is super glamorous right?) when I heard my cell ring. I decided not to try and leap through the poo I was picking up in order to run and get it, so I ignored it. Luckily my daughter answered it. Next thing I knew, my sister (who was over visiting with me that day) was coming outside with my phone and said "Valerie, someone from Adoption Network is on the phone". My heart dropped.
"Don't get excited Valerie. Don't get excited! It's probably just a "check in" phone call" That's what I was telling myself as my sister walked towards me with the phone. Those 6 long steps it took her to get to me seemed like 6 miles.
"Hello, Valerie, this is Martha (name changed for privacy) from Adoption Network, and I think I have a possible match for you"
I was waiting for the surge of adrenalin. That heart racing type of excitement. At least a smile to cross my face. But still I held back. Held back my heart from this moment. Not wanting it to be crushed.
I said "OH, really, well tell me the situation"
She went on to describe a situation that broke my heart. I cannot reveal too many details about the birth mom's life, but I can tell you several things that stood out to me. One of them, was that she had five children already. That's when my mind when on "processing mode". I KNEW when I heard that, that she would change her mind. I just knew it. How can someone with 5 children place their sixth for adoption? I am not saying that in a judgmental tone, but a tone of compassion. I knew she was in a tough spot and I completely understood as to why she felt she needed to place this child for adoption. But in my heart at the time I thought "she is going to make this decision now, but she will take one look at that child and change her mind."
Then the worker for ANLC (adoption network law center) said the second thing that sent my mind reeling, she said both the mother and father have MS. "crap Valerie, think!!! what's MS??? what's MS???? It has to do with the nervous system I think. Is it genetic?? If it is, when will it effect the baby??"
After that the woman says "Oh and she lives in California about an hour and a half from you"
"WOW GOD, your amazing." That is specifically what I had been praying for. I knew the odds of getting a child in California were small. There is 50 states in this country and ANLC works in all of them. So we knew the odds were that we would probably have to go out of state. Which of course, I wouldn't mind, given the circumstances! A baby is a wonderful reason to travel :-) BUT, we also had heard stories of couples being stuck in states for almost a month after the baby was born due to the varying laws from state to state that regulate the taking of infants across state lines before all paperwork is completed. 4 weeks in a hotel is A LOT of money. Money we weren't sure we had. That's a lot of time also for my kids to be away. Anyhow, one night I just remembered that God says "You have not because you ask not", so I asked Him "Lord, I will be grateful for any child, but if it's possible, can the child be born in California?" And so He did, as I requested. He is so good.
So Martha for ANLC finally asked, after giving all the details she could at that time, if we would be willing to accept a child that has the possibility of one day having MS, and also a birth Father who wants visits and letters and pictures. I told her that my husband and I had already discussed whether or not we would accept a match to a child with disabilities or possible disabilities, and we had firmly come to the conclusion that we would. I told her that I was pretty certain that we would not turn this opportunity away, but that I had to quickly call my husband who had just landed in North Carolina for a business trip and let him know.
Still my heart held back a little.
I called my husband. Poor guy was surrounded by soldiers and could barely hear. He finally got to a quiet area of the room and I told him all that I knew. I told him my fears of the mother changing her mind, and my fears of the MS, but that I was 100% on board if he was. He said "I am absolutely on board. Remember Valerie, if she changes her mind then that is OK, we did not get into this to take a child, but adopt one who needs to be adopted." I love that man.
I called Martha back and told her. She said that she would now present our profile to the couple. The couple had not even picked us! Martha did. I cannot begin to tell you how much I love this woman. We had a wonderful talk after that. Words I will treasure in my heart.
She then told me that after she showed our profile to this couple, that they would then approve us or not.
I had to wait until 9am the next day to find out.
Still my heart held back a little.
Friday:
She called at 9 in the morning saying that they really liked us and would be glad to be matched with us.
We then scheduled a conference call with my husband in North Carolina for that afternoon so she could give us all the info that she had on the Birth Mother and Birth Father. We went through that conference call and felt so much more excited after that call.
My heart opened up a bit more each day of that weekend.
Monday:
We had a phone conference with me and my husband in our room, Martha at her office at ANLC and the Birth Father and Birth Mother at their place. It was awkward at first, but then turned into one of the most amazing phone calls of my life. I cannot tell you how many miraculous things that God worked in that phone call. Needless to say, it went well. We were really really really worried that when they found out what crazy homeschooling Christians we were, that they would run in the opposite direction. So even though one is an Atheist and one practices Wicca, AND I gave my testimony over the phone, they still thought they would love to place their precious son in our lives. Amazing.
After this phone call I realized that I could let my heart hope and love this child. Regardless of what may come. After talking with her I believe it is unlikely she will keep the child.
The next step will be meeting the couple. We are driving up to their city on November 8th. I am super nervous but I know God's hand is in this all.
Prayer requests:
~That God will use me to show them the love of Christ, without hesitation.
~That the baby survives this very difficult pregnancy, as the mother is very disabled with her MS and wheel chair bound. She is six and a half months pregnant and still not showing. But she is receiving medical care.
~That my heart will love fully and accept whatever is to come.
~That Jake and I would be able to qualify and be selected for grants to help us pay off our adoption debts.
More to come soon!!!
It's a.......
Hello beautiful people. I just wanted to quickly update and say that after only 48 hours after our profile being put online, we were matched! However, I have to say, that our profile had nothing to do with it. The agency actually picked us for this couple. But more on that to come in another post. We are so very happy and excited about this news. We found out yesterday. I will write a longer post soon with more details but for now, I can say that God's hand is in this for sure!
Oh and by the way..................it's a ..............BOY! The babies due date is February 5th :-)
Be in prayer for us as a family, and for our witness to this precious couple. Pray that we would show them God's love. Pray for the safety of this precious boy.
What drives us?
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately on the "decision" of adoption. For the past few weeks I have been battling (again) the fears of what may or may not come of all of this. I think to myself..
What if it all falls apart? What if we get matched and the mom changes her mind? What if they call us with a child with severe special needs? Will we walk in faith enough to choose to say YES to that situation? What if...............
But as with all things in my life over the past few months I have been choosing to not set my fears in front of me. What I mean by that is that they may float around in my head, but Christ will not let them settle in my heart. Still there are times where the mind goes a mile and minute, the heart starts to race, then..........
"Let it go Beloved, it was never your decision to begin with. It was mine. Give your burden to me"
Such sweet comforts our God whispers, does He not? And so again I let it go. Yet with all this thinking, heartache, money, worry, time, and waiting, I can't help but ask "What is driving us to do this?"
I know we have been asked on more than one occasion "Oh your adopting? Well that will be nice to have a baby in the house again. Three is really a nice number of children"
I can tell you right now definitively that "having a baby in the house" or having "three" children as opposed to our two, is NOT, I repeat NOT motivation enough for Jake and I to adopt. Don't get me wrong, adoption is precious, but Jake and I would have given up a long time ago if our motivation was as simple as that. No, lately as I wait, I know more than ever what drives us.
HIM.
He is the creator of all things, lover of all things, and protector of the helpless. What is more helpless than humans? What human is more helpless than a child?
It is His love that works itself in our hearts through His spirit to move us ever closer in this direction. I recently had the amazing privilege of hearing Katie Davis founder of Amazima ministries speak at a local church. She said something in a video they played before she came out to speak that has really stuck with me. She said that sometimes people tell her how lucky she is to know Gods plan for her life at such a young age. She said something along the lines of "Well I'm not "lucky". God's plan for everyone is in the Bible. It says in the Bible to love your neighbor as yourself. Well myself doesn't like to starve, so therefore I shouldn't want others to starve". Katie does more than help the starving people of Uganda. At 21 years of age she has also adopted 14 precious little girls that she is raising by herself.
I feel like that about adoption. My flesh wants to turn away from this whole process sometimes. I want to run back to our easy life of two independent older children. But my Spirit cries louder than my flesh. It cries out to nurture and care for those who have no family. Katie makes such an excellent point. If I am to love my neighbor as myself, well anyone who knows me knows that I hate to be lonely. Do I ever want any child to be without a family when I could be their family?
This is what drives us. When we are in the Word and in prayer, we know His will for our lives is to always live sacrificially. Something I know I have not lived. But I pray Christ will forgive me and help mold me into a person who lives for His glory and lives for my neighbor. Every time I want to give in to fear and quit on this whole process, the Spirit urges on softly...
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." I want to care for the Orphan because He does.
I was once an Orphan as well. Yes, I had a Mother and Father, but I was as lost as an orphan could be. Then He came. Adopted me as his child, and my life has never been the same. I love how it is put in John 14:18 as Jesus is speaking to His Disciples "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."
Praise God he has come for us! Let us then press forward and come for those who are also in need.
Making hand soap.
About a year ago a few good friends of mine and I got together and made bar soap. It was a wonderful time of learning, fellowship, and well....soap making! I felt slightly old fashioned and very frugal, both of which were good feelings :-) I still have that soap and sadly we are down to our last two bars. However, making the soap was a lot of work, and buying the initial ingredients wasn't super cheap either. But when I read that you can make your own liquid hand soap easy AND cheap, I was in! It really is one of the easiest things I have done. So, in the event that you might not yet be on the frugal, do-it-yourself bandwagon, here is something cheap and easy to get you started. Also, and I cannot stress this enough, this is wayyyyyyyyy healthier than the soap you buy in the store. This can be a completely natural soap with NO chemicals or parabans.
You first start with....
~ a bar of organic (or natural) Castille soap (trader joes, health food stores, even target carries these)
~ a small bottle of Glycerin (super easy to find. I bought mine at CVS)
~ scented oil of your choice (or tea tree oil for its anti-bacterial properties.) OR no oil at all. It is not required for the soap.
As you can see in my picture above, I have a bar of soap, a cheese grater, two small containers for oil and my Glycerin. The two small green bowls holds my Tea Tree oil and Jojoba oil.
Next you grate. And grate. And grate. And grate. When you feel your hands and muscles burn like fire, then suck it up, call yourself a sissy and push on. Your usually only halfway done ;-)
After you grate you pour our grated soap in a pot
Then you cover it with water (a lot of people measure this out, but that's not my style, so I cannot remember how much water I used. Maybe 5 cups??)
Once you have sufficient amounts of water in there, then put it on your stove on low and stir occasionally until all the soap is melted. Mine even turned clear and I thought I had done something wrong like added too much water. I thought it would be gloppy or at least slightly thick. No. That happens over night. It actually turned out that I needed to add much more water than I did because mine became way too thick originally. If this happens to you then just put the soap back in the pot the next day, add more water, and heat on low again. Then let it set overnight and viola, perfect hand soap.
But I digress. Where was I? Oh yes, the melting. So while you are starting the melting process and you notice that most, if not all, of your shavings have melted, then add your tablespoon of Glycerin and your oils if your using oils (I used around a teaspoon of each tea tree oil and jojoba oil).
When you are certain your soap has melted, allow mixture to cool down for about 30 minutes then pour into a container. I used a jar, but had I added the amount of water that I should have, which I later ended up doing, it would not have fit in the jar, so be prepared to pour it into something semi-large.
Lastly, let it sit overnight and thicken. When you check it the next day, if it is of desired consistency (kind of like egg whites or thicker), then grab your funnel and pour into old washed out hand soap bottles. I love seeing my new soap that I made for about less than a dollar a bottle, put into containers of hand soap that I bought for $4.50 a bottle. Have I mentioned before how I love the feeling of saving my hubster some money????
The end product should fill AT LEAST 3 bottles with some leftover (I probably could have filled four bottles but I didn't have a fourth bottle, so I had to stick the rest in a jar.
And there you have it.
Oh and by the way, just ignore those insane amounts of crumbs on my table. That was just a trick of photography. They're not really there ;-
Living with health issues.
I have so many blog posts that I have been wanting to write lately. It's kinda driving me crazy that I can't get on the computer more to get them out of my head and on to bloggy world. But every day I say "when I am done with this task I will hop on that computer and get that post written!" And yet, that task leads to another which leads to another which leads.....you guessed it...... to another! :-) But I am NOT complaining. I am joyous, and I will explain way. You see, I am blown away that I am even able to get "tasks" done. There was time, not very long ago, where I was lucky to get my self going each day, and was barely achieving my small goals of keeping the basics running. This was my life for a few years, but increasingly more so over the last 18 months. I will tell you in a moment how God is bringing healing into my life, in more ways than one. But first, I want to go into what it's like to deal with health issues, and to doubt God's goodness in the midst of it.
For the longest time I didn't know what was going on with me. I was noticing differences in my health, but was seeing it as several UN-related symptoms. As many of you know, over 3 years ago, my husband and I felt convicted, compelled, and convinced that we should leave the conceiving of children in His capable hands. We had the Vasectomy reversed and awaited the inevitable pregnancy. It never came. As we went through the first two years we assumed the vasectomy had failed. I became consumed with sadness. I so wanted to have new life in my womb, but none came. We finally went to the doctors to have the semen analysis done. The results......The reversal had worked.
"hmmmmmmm........ This is odd", I thought to myself. I was pretty sure I had two children without any sort of medical help already. How could it be me?? So the tests began. Nothing invasive really. An ultrasound, some blood tests, a dye test. That's when I was diagnosed with PCOS. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I couldn't have more misunderstood this diagnosis. I was assured by the doctor that this was a minor thing. That likely one day with some medical intervention we would be able to conceive.
Wait, what was that word? "Medical Intervention"? Oh no. We had sort of handed that area of control over to God. Does it go both ways???? Do we let Him decide How many more and also IF we have more?
I talked to my husband that night. He assured me that for him, it did go both ways. We accept it if he gives us "too many" (as we sometimes feared in the beginning) and we accept it if he gives us no more at all.
I can't say that I fully agreed at the time, but I submitted.
I now had a "diagnosis", but still, nothing made sense. My diagnosis was just.....well....a diagnosis. What was that going to do for me? It didn't tell me WHAT was wrong with me. It didn't tell me what I could do about it either. Getting a PCOS diagnosis was like getting told "we're not quite sure what's wrong with you, what caused it, or how bad it will get. We only now it's not good, and it will get progressively worse with age." yay :-/
Over the next year and a half I would gain 50 pounds, have my face wrinkle, grow facial hair, be tired every single day, crave sugar like a heroin addict, have mood swings, experience blood sugar spikes and severe drops, have heart palpitations every morning when I rise, hot flashes, night sweats, have my face cover itself in brown spots, headaches, joint pain, night time swelling of my arms and hands, and truly the list could go on. I think though I have communicated that overall, I did not feel well. I was stripped of my youthful energy, and my beauty. I am not even sure if I ever thought of myself as beautiful, but regardless of what I thought of myself before, I sure knew that I wasn't beautiful any longer. Dealing with the complete lack of energy was one of the harder symptoms. It was a torturous feeling to watch everything that needed to be done just sit there and not get done, knowing it would be waiting for me tomorrow. Only tomorrow, I wouldn't feel any different that today.
I watched my kids worry about me, and even become lazy for lack of direction and encouragment because I was just too tired or in too much pain to care. I received lectures and judgmental stares from family members and even my husband. I don't blame them really, for none of us really knew what was wrong with me. It's not like they could say "Oh poor Val, she has____(fill in blank with dreaded disease)__ " They would just look at me and say "Val you have to get this stuff done, your house is falling apart the kids are falling behind in school". You just need to pick yourself up by the boot straps and march on. It broke my heart.
For the first time in years my infertility, which had been at the forefront of my thoughts, now took the back seat.
What was wrong with me, I am only in my twenties???I would scream this at first at myself. In my head. Then after of months of praying for healing, I began to yell that at God. I was careful not to let anyone see that pain. I would try and smile around others and wait until I was alone in the shower or driving by myself to the store and then I would unleash it. My own painful dialog would go something like this....
"God, you can heal me, why don't you!!!????"
"Dang it. I'm sorry Lord, that was uncalled for. Maybe I am having another hormonal mood swing. I think I have been getting a lot of those lately."
"Wait a second, you caused me to be this way! If you didn't want me to feel sad and angry and out of control, why did you do this to me?"
"Dang it. I'm sorry again"
"I am just so angry God! Why were you not content to take away my ability to have children? Why did you take my health, my vitality, and by beauty as well??"
All I can tell you is that during those dark months I received a lot of interesting stares from fellow drivers on the road. I can't tell you how many times I have cried and yelled in my car only to look over at a red light and wish really really really badly that I had tinted windows.
Eventually I handed over the infertility. I gave it to God, and asked forgiveness for ever giving it such a high place in my life. I still asked that he would return my fertility one day to what it used to be, but I was content to leave God in control. I even, slow as it was, was brought to the point where I had to become content with my poor health (not to mention saggy boobs and growing mid-section).
I knew if I let this anger consume me I would loose my faith. I would loose everything. I knew my faith was weak, and small, but I still had faith. I knew God was in control, I knew God sent His Son for me. I knew he had forgiven me so much. I knew I was truly blessed. I knew I had no right to be angry at God.
But still I doubted his character and goodness.
I stayed in the word daily but nothing touched my heart as it had before. I kept praying but instead of my prayers drifting to Heaven like incense, they stopped at the ceiling. It had to change.
Slowly but determinedly, I turned my heart back towards God (or maybe HE turned my heart back towards Him). I acknowledged my sin before him, repented, and once again accepted His FULL and gracious forgiveness.
That was the best thing to happen to me in a long long time.
I am now on the road to healing. In more ways than one. First I began to focus my heart on Christ and heavenly things, not on earthly temporal things. Then I began to learn my habits of "blame when pained"(as I like to call it), I prayed often for God's help in the process and still do. Following my change in my relationship with God, I began to seek out better medical help and better answers.
I now understand so much more about my body than I ever thought that I would. After 6 doctors I now see a very knowledgeable doctor who is an MD but also has her degree and licensing in Naturopathy. She has reviewed all my blood tests, and all my samples, and all my symptoms and is helping me find out what exactly is going wrong and what I can do to treat it. It was great to have a doctor spend more than 7 minutes with me and also know what the tests mean.
For one, I have severe hormonal imbalances. When I say severe I mean very very bad. I am also insulin resistant (caused by the hormonal imbalance), have adrenal fatigue, and my thyroid is not working properly.
So here are some things I am doing to help my health,
I am taking natural (not synthetic) Hormone replacements
I am taking a natural Thyroid
I am taking Vitamin D (which I am also severely deficient in)
I drink water first thing in the morning every morning with lemon in it (helps the liver, which in turn helps the Adrenal gland)
I am taking 4 capsules of good quality Fish oil (helps the hormones and thyroid)
I am walking daily
I am not eating refined sugar and have severely limited any other sugars like honey.
Since being on the natural hormone replacements, and vitamins, I have stopped gaining weight for the first time in a year and a half. In addition to not gaining weight I have also lost 5 pounds. The biggest difference I have noticed is my energy. It is amazing to have energy again! I still have a few days here and there where my energy wipes out but it usually only lasts an hour whereas before it would last for 4 hours or more. I just feel overall so much better. The swelling at night has also gone down, my hot flashes are few and far between and I am becoming so much more productive. It has been so great. I can't tell you what a treat it is to get up and have a 1000 things to do and know I just might be able to get them done, or at least try!
Most importantly, by the Grace of God, I am learning to lean on and Trust Him in all things. I am breaking bad habits daily and tearing down walls of doubt.
What I have learned through all this will carry with me for a long time. Top three...
1)Never take for granted your health or fertility. It is NOT guaranteed to always be there, so be grateful while you do have it.
2)God is good. All the time. When we view Him as anything else every trial is a double trial. It is too hard to go through a trial and doubt His goodness at the same time. Nor is it right.
3)There are seasons in life. There is a time for everything under the sun. Yes some things last a lifetime. But a lot of the time if you hold fast with perseverance and patience the reward is great when the trial is over. I wish to God I had persevered with patience and faith. I did not. I still have wounds from those dark times and very bad habits that the Lord is still weeding out of me due to my lack of patience and lack of trust in Him.
I realize that I have once again been very honest in my blog post. And that lends me open to some criticism I am sure. I realize I was vain to complain about beauty, I realize I should have been glad that it was me and not my children suffering (as that would have been much much worse) , I realize a lot of things. But I also know that some people are going through things similar and they need to know that God is faithful. And they also need to know that they are not alone, and that they are not the only ones who think those thoughts and who doubt. I want to offer encouragement through my honesty and also stand as a monument that screams "Do not waste you time blaming God! Turn to him for love and comfort and you will be comforted! Do not give in to anger, it will poison your life."
If anyone would like to talk to me personally about any of this, or just need a listening ear for anything you are going through. I am here. Just email me at sgtswife03@yahoo.com.
No baby....yet.
We are still waiting. Don't worry, I will let everyone know as soon as we get "the call". We are very very excited for that day. And yet, as excited as I am, I am glad it has not happened yet. I have so much to do! I am totally nesting. I never believed that you could "nest" when you weren't pregnant, but I am nesting for sure! I am trying to get everything ready. The call can come any day.
The List.....
~swing by my brother and sister-in-law's storage to pick their baby stuff left over from the twins------check
~pick up the crib from my sweet friend Anh-------check
~clean and wash the bassinet that I got off Craigslist-------check
~organize Ireland's room to make room for baby-------check
Still to do....
~figure out which kind of cloth diapers to use (there's so many choices!!)
~get cloth diapers and formula
~find some uni-sex baby outfits (poor child has NO CLOTHES yet in this house)
~pray for God to prepare my heart with patience and love, gentleness and self control
~get the house in order
~make freezer meals
~be sure to get homeschooling in order so things will run smoothly when baby comes.
~jump up and down and shout praises to the Lord for all the kindness He has shown to us :-)
