hard times

(warning, all those who dont want to be lulled to sleep by someone elses crazy revelation about their selfish behavior, just go ahead and skip this very long post)

OK so I will be totally honest, things have been rough lately. I don't mean rough as in serious medical problems, a death in the family, divorce, type of stuff. No, if I did then I might have had a reason for the the way I have been feeling and acting. The rough times I am going through are nothing more than life, and all that entails. But I have been throwing myself a pity party and saying to myself and anyone who will listen that " I have had enough!" or my personal favorite, "I'm so done!". I have been struggling with my relationship with God, my husband, my children, and most of all, myself. I have been depressed and pessimistic about everything. Until finally tonight I realized some things. Actually God "showed" me some things. My little revelation was in no way brought about by myself, I am sure I would have continued down the road I was on. I will spare all the ugly details of the stresses in my life and skip to the point about how cool God is and how I am not. Today I told God, "I was done". I was done trying to be a "good mom", a good wife, a good cook (healthy one too), a good homeschool teacher, a good servant, a good blah blah blah. I told him I could no longer pray to Him because I didn't understand him anymore. I didn't "feel" close to him anymore. I didn't think he had my back anymore. I felt like I had no one to talk to, no one to lift me up out of this pit that I had somehow landed in. I felt like I had been there for so many people, and now that I was weak, had nobody there to be there for me. But tonight I had a conversation with Rae, my pastors wife, and told her how I had been feeling. She said It was OK to want women to lead me and it was OK to want my husband to lead me. That it was true, that God is all we need, but that he created relationships with other believers to be meaningful and encouraging. I went home thinking on that, and soon my phone rang. It was my friend Celeste, who I don't get to talk to often, but when ever I do, its always uplifting, and almost always about our walk with God. We talked and talked and the answers to my questions just flowed out of me and her. I realized that first of all, half my problems were self induced, and also that I could completely change how I was reacting to the ones that were beyond my control. I thought back on a time in my life a few years ago, when things were really hard, but I felt I had so much more strength than I do right now. How did I have that strength? where did It come from? If I am a Christian now, and was a Christian then, then why don't I have it now?
I realized something interesting about God tonight when the answers to those questions hit me. It was so simple. God rewards the humble spirit. The contrite heart. THAT IS THE ANSWER. The difference between then and now, was not reading the bible, I do that now, I did it then. The difference was not prayer, I did that then, I do that now. the difference was not church......you get my point. Then (as in back when I had peace and strength) when things happened I cried out to God in my pain, but accepted my life as it was, praying for change YES, but accepting Gods timing, and HIS ways. I was......humble. Lately when things go wrong, I say, "I have been patient long enough, things have to change now!" Or I would say, that "somebody else needs to be strong in this house (uh hum.....Jake)". What a totally rebellious unforgiving spirit I have had lately, and I cant believe I actually didn't understand why God was not hearing me. 1 Peter 3:12 says "For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil." Was throwing a tantrum because things haven't been going my way righteous? Was blaming God for my problems righteous? I think not. I am so grateful for the lessons I learned tonight. I pray that I will have a humble and contrite heart, and be grateful for all I have and do as Psalm 37:7 says and "be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him". My prayer and goal from here on out is to be STILL, patient, and righteous.