(warning, all those who dont want to be lulled to sleep by someone elses crazy revelation about their selfish behavior, just go ahead and skip this very long post)
OK so I will be totally honest, things have been rough lately. I don't mean rough as in serious medical problems, a death in the family, divorce, type of stuff. No, if I did then I might have had a reason for the the way I have been feeling and acting. The rough times I am going through are nothing more than life, and all that entails. But I have been throwing myself a pity party and saying to myself and anyone who will listen that " I have had enough!" or my personal favorite, "I'm so done!". I have been struggling with my relationship with God, my husband, my children, and most of all, myself. I have been depressed and pessimistic about everything. Until finally tonight I realized some things. Actually God "showed" me some things. My little revelation was in no way brought about by myself, I am sure I would have continued down the road I was on. I will spare all the ugly details of the stresses in my life and skip to the point about how cool God is and how I am not. Today I told God, "I was done". I was done trying to be a "good mom", a good wife, a good cook (healthy one too), a good homeschool teacher, a good servant, a good blah blah blah. I told him I could no longer pray to Him because I didn't understand him anymore. I didn't "feel" close to him anymore. I didn't think he had my back anymore. I felt like I had no one to talk to, no one to lift me up out of this pit that I had somehow landed in. I felt like I had been there for so many people, and now that I was weak, had nobody there to be there for me. But tonight I had a conversation with Rae, my pastors wife, and told her how I had been feeling. She said It was OK to want women to lead me and it was OK to want my husband to lead me. That it was true, that God is all we need, but that he created relationships with other believers to be meaningful and encouraging. I went home thinking on that, and soon my phone rang. It was my friend Celeste, who I don't get to talk to often, but when ever I do, its always uplifting, and almost always about our walk with God. We talked and talked and the answers to my questions just flowed out of me and her. I realized that first of all, half my problems were self induced, and also that I could completely change how I was reacting to the ones that were beyond my control. I thought back on a time in my life a few years ago, when things were really hard, but I felt I had so much more strength than I do right now. How did I have that strength? where did It come from? If I am a Christian now, and was a Christian then, then why don't I have it now?
I realized something interesting about God tonight when the answers to those questions hit me. It was so simple. God rewards the humble spirit. The contrite heart. THAT IS THE ANSWER. The difference between then and now, was not reading the bible, I do that now, I did it then. The difference was not prayer, I did that then, I do that now. the difference was not church......you get my point. Then (as in back when I had peace and strength) when things happened I cried out to God in my pain, but accepted my life as it was, praying for change YES, but accepting Gods timing, and HIS ways. I was......humble. Lately when things go wrong, I say, "I have been patient long enough, things have to change now!" Or I would say, that "somebody else needs to be strong in this house (uh hum.....Jake)". What a totally rebellious unforgiving spirit I have had lately, and I cant believe I actually didn't understand why God was not hearing me. 1 Peter 3:12 says "For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil." Was throwing a tantrum because things haven't been going my way righteous? Was blaming God for my problems righteous? I think not. I am so grateful for the lessons I learned tonight. I pray that I will have a humble and contrite heart, and be grateful for all I have and do as Psalm 37:7 says and "be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him". My prayer and goal from here on out is to be STILL, patient, and righteous.
hard times
I love Tenth Avenue North
Ok so I was listening to music while cleaning out my kitchen (I know seriously, who cleans out their kitchen on such a beautiful day? I get such random ideas) , anyhowwwwwwww, one of my favorite songs came on and its called "Let It Go". WOW, God spoke to me today. here are the lyrics....
 "Let it Go" Lyrics | [edit] |
| by Tenth Avenue North | from the album Over And Underneath | |
I've been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles
They've gone white
I'm fighting for who I wanna be
I'm just trying to find security
But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go.
Well it's hard enough to hear
Harder still, to move beyond this fear
We know there's nothing I can bring,
So tell me what do you want from me?
But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go
What do I love?
What do I hate?
What will I lose?
What will I gain?
How do I save my soul?
What if I bend?
What if I break?
What will it cost?
What will it take?
For you to save my soul.
You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go
So I am guessing I need to let it go. I will get back to you on what it is I let go, and how I did it..
val
Ahhh... good advice.
I just had to write this down. Tonight I was finally reading in that book a friend gave me several months ago (you know, the one's your friends give you and you never read.). How astonishing that she was actually right and I really do need this book! :)
Here is just a part of what I needed to read tonight....
"If I choose to, I can learn to be content with the life God has given me, whether I have a little or a lot to live it with. What keeps me from being content is not what God is or isn't supplying. The real problem is that I,(Valerie), will not adjust my expectations to life's limitations- I want more than I can have, ask for more than I need, strive for more than I can do, and expect more than God has promised." (page 11, Seasons of a Mothers Heart, by Sally Clarkson)
OK read that last line again and let that sink in.........real deep.
Ok so I have decided to get on the Blog bandwagon. yeehaw! ok I am not even sure If I will tell anyone about this, but I haven't decided how yet to use it. Do I speak about my kids, which my extended family would love, or about my faith which they would NOT love. Do I speak about all the things weighing on my mind and heart these days, politics, religion, true faith? But then I would risk offending some people I know, which I don't want to do either. But hey, what are blogs all about if you don't offend someone right? soooo here goes, the launch of my blog, which will officially get two readers, me and the poor helpless victim who misspelled something on google and got misdirected there.....lol
